Do we look for partners that remind us of our mother/father?

[yeawutever]

I don't know how true is this: We unconsciously choosing a man that has some qualities our fathers have while the man's gf or wife might posess some of his mother's traits.

Personally, I wouldn't want to date a man that reminded me too much of my father. I don't really like some of his flaws (his temper being one of them and how he doesn't like being contradicted in an argument, him using too much logic, etc). So the idea that I would be settling with my father

 

I don't really take after my mother. We're completely different individuals. However, only thing I'm concern once in a while is I might start displaying my father's negative traits. At times I really find myself acting like him a bit. Example: If we were arguing, no one would really win because like him, I'm an alpha that doesn't back down either nor likes taking orders (sometimes I'm him in the female version... seriously).

 

Needless to say if I would rather be single for life than choose an alpha, dominant, short-tempered man like my father. We would be arguing and it would probably be followed by either a break-up or divorce right away (and if he did any threatening gestures it would be followed by a report).

[Fudgie]

I feel like my current boyfriend, out of my previous ones, shares the most traits with my dad. Good ones though. My father is extremely logical, rational, and puts his foot down with me when I am emotional or irrational. My boyfriend does the same. He is not what I would describe as very comforting and he definitely won't tell me what I want to hear, but I think at the end of the day, that's what I need. I need someone to tell me like it is. I do tell him thank you for being that way, because sometimes it irritates when I'm upset but when I come around, I see that what he is doing is actually the best.

[The_Seeker]

LOL, you and I are the same and almost the same age.

 

My previous two boyfriends had mix traits of my father and my mother. First one was EXACTLY like my dad. I dated him. Found him quite charming. But his bad side, HORRIBLE like my mother. It made me go UGGH.

 

Second one was like my mother on the good side. VERY FUN! But he has a bad side like my dad, DOESN'T THINK before speaking. SHOWS off a lot. Pointless argument without facts backing up.

 

Third boyfriend is like me. Thank GOD!

 

So I am making sure someone who has most traits like mine which is good appetite and moral views. I'm all good. Hopefully it ends up being a long-term since I like to to know him more.

[yeawutever]

It's ok to use logic, esp. in important matters but everything in excess is bad. My father sometimes reminds all of us the song he dedicated to my mother. It's basically about how a man will not be a doormat and putting conditions. In the song it said ''I can be your lover or enemy''.

Talk about ''nice gestures''. If a man dedicated a song like that to me, it would be over.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes and no. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't. My husband in no way reminds me of my biological father but he reminds me of my uncle (not blood related) who I have always viewed as more of a father figure than my real father. Oddly enough my ex who was a lying, cheating, scum bag reminded me of my father (go figure!) and was nothing like my uncle. Flipside my husband is the younger, British version of my uncle in his view on women, the world, loyalty, love... that's how I knew he was the guy for me because he reminded so much of a man that I adored and held above all other men.

 

My husband made the remark the other day (we are long distance) while I was cooking and had him on Face Time that in that moment I looked like his mother some 20 odd years earlier. Dressing gown on, brown hair... his exact words were 'God, I've married my mum.' Personality wise? Hmmmm I don't know if I remind him of his mom tbh, must ask him when he wakes up!

[Pinnacle]

Personally...oh god no. OH GOD NO!!!!

 

If I can play Freud for a second, what you are describing is somewhat an offshoot of the Oedipus complex. Rather than killing my father and developing a sexual relationship with my mother (OHHH GODDDD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) you look for certain attributes in a partner the replicate your mother in a way. If your mom was strict, well then maybe a strict girlfriend is the one for you.

 

But if I hadn't made it clear already, I look for traits that are literally the opposite of my mother. I kind of think the theory itself can not be taken in absolute, but I can agree that some people would like traits found in their parents to be in their partner.

 

Needless to say if I would rather be single for life than choose an alpha, dominant, short-tempered man like my father.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you changed your mind in about 3 years. I only say this because I knew a girl who literally said the same exact words you said....dated someone who I would consider to be a sensitive, kinda girly kind of guy. She ended up dumping him and is now engaged to a more burly, do-it-yourself, no BS kind of guy. A man's man so to speak.

[The_Seeker]

Personally...oh god no. OH GOD NO!!!!

 

If I can play Freud for a second, what you are describing is somewhat an offshoot of the Oedipus complex. Rather than killing my father and developing a sexual relationship with my mother (OHHH GODDDD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) you look for certain attributes in a partner the replicate your mother in a way. If your mom was strict, well then maybe a strict girlfriend is the one for you.

 

But if I hadn't made it clear already, I look for traits that are literally the opposite of my mother. I kind of think the theory itself can not be taken in absolute, but I can agree that some people would like traits found in their parents to be in their partner.

 

Gotta love AP English!

 

HAHAHA!

 

I definitely agree. Sometimes we do look for traits based on our parents. But it's better to focus on WHAT RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT instead of traits.

[yeawutever]

Perhaps one good trait would be him being somewhat of a handy-man too (I don't mind if he isn't but if he is then it's a plus). This means he knowing how to fix certain things in the house if anything goes wrong or how to plug the various switches found on my computer.

 

Other than that, I'm would take a beta man over an alpha 1,000 times.

[yeawutever]

I definitely agree. Sometimes we do look for traits based on our parents. But it's better to focus on WHAT RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT instead of traits.

Indeed and what I'm looking for in a relationship doesn't even resemble my parents' lifestyle at all.

[LDRohnos]

Maybe? I think what we look for in an ideal partner usually derives from our upbringing. Such as a phsysical affection, values, morals, structure and so on. Direct traits of our mothers and fathers, nah? Probably not anything beyond that.

[EmmaB78]

I honestly find this theory all too true. I don't think it is conscious at all - my dad was kind of a horrible guy so why would I, consciously, ever seek to replicate him. But I find myself attracted againg and again to guys with emotional problems who can be affectionate one moment and then sarcastic or cold the next - just like dear old dad. I don't WANT to be this way. But I absolutely think my opinions of what a "man" are are affeccted by my dad. I tend to go for wickedly funny, sarcastic, slightly arrogant dudes who put me down when they're in the mood - guess who is EXACTLY like that?

[Alpine]

I think that when I try to put this theory to the test I just end up looking at the similar traits that my boyfriend and dad have, whilst ignoring all the many differences they have that probably outweigh the similarities! Because my boyfriend and dad do have a lot in common, and share similar personality traits/interests, but at the same time there are many things that are also vastly different about them. So I am really not sure how I feel about this theory! It is very Freudian and I can't say I'm a huge fan of good ol' Sigmund...

[ebonyamberjade]

I have never known a couple who were as head over heels in love with each other as my parents.

 

I've always compared my relationships to theirs (and always come up short).

 

I've long been jealous of the way they loved each other.

They were exceptionally cruel to me, and used me a scapegoat for any problems in their relationship. Whenever there was any hint of discord between them, they would quickly find a way to twist it around so that I became the problem. And having me as a common enemy made their bond stronger than ever.

 

I guess I should be happy that I made it possible for my parents to maintain their fairy tale romance. Rather than confronting any problems that might have existed between them, they were able to make me their whipping girl and remain blissfully in love.

 

I guess I should be happy about this.

But I'm not.

[Circe]

It's all about familiarity. The idea is supposed to be that we are attracted to people that we feel a sense of familiarity around. So when a male has the qualities of a male parent or female has the qualities of a female parent, we feel that sense of familiarity and find them more attractive.

[RitaTrue]

But if I hadn't made it clear already, I look for traits that are literally the opposite of my mother. I kind of think the theory itself can not be taken in absolute, but I can agree that some people would like traits found in their parents to be in their partner.

 

 

I do the same thing, with my dad. I want a man who's opposite of my dad.

 

Freud would probably say that we're in subconscious reaction formation, going against the grain to prove you dont want our parent, when really you DO. LOLOLOLOL

[Seraphim]

It's all about familiarity. The idea is supposed to be that we are attracted to people that we feel a sense of familiarity around. So when a male has the qualities of a male parent or female has the qualities of a female parent, we feel that sense of familiarity and find them more attractive.

 

I agree. I married a man that had a lot in common with my dad. Similar build, similar characteristics, the same ethnicity etc. He is also not like him too. My brother married someone with some of the same mental characteristics as our mother, a very big drive to succeed in business, tons of energy,non traditional, things like that. She does not look like our mother in any way though. She is about a foot taller than our mother, a boyish figure.......etc. So I think it is a mix. We like some characteristics and not others, but I believe we look for familiarity is some capacity.

[Wayfara]

My father is very charming man but is abusive and needy and while I love him I get annoyed by him easily, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who was like him. Only one of the people I've dated I would say have resembled him, a guy I casually dated, very charming and "alpha" but so needy. I often felt annoyed with him and never felt like I really respected him so I'm glad it never developed to a relationship. So if a man would resemble my father a lot then my relationship with him would probably mirror my relationship with my father and I find it unlikely that I would fall for someone I find that annoying.

[piruru]

My father and I had next to no relationship. I've always sought to find a man who was the opposite of my father, but instead I think I just wound up with a guy who is almost exactly like him. At first he wasn't anything like my father, but as time went on and I got to know him better, he just resembles my father more and more. I hate it. Thankfully he's an ex now.

[Snny]

It's all about familiarity. The idea is supposed to be that we are attracted to people that we feel a sense of familiarity around. So when a male has the qualities of a male parent or female has the qualities of a female parent, we feel that sense of familiarity and find them more attractive.

 

Or for some people (like me), we are attracted to people who seem exotic or different. My fiance being from another culture and race is the complete opposite of my parents. I come from a very headstrong family who LOVES to debate and argue about a lot of things over thanksgiving. We come off like biting each other's heads off by the way we argue (based on tone and voice level) though we really aren't. I still can't figure out how the heck my parents stay married because they both got big tempers at times, LOL. I need a person who is the opposite of my personality and can calm me the hell down. He's my decaffeinate side and I'm his caffeine half.

[RyanJ]

Don't believe it at all. No correlation.

 

This is like astrology, you can make anything fit. Everyone has at least some traits in common or opposite your opposite gender parent, and you can always say it's because they share or don't share these traits.

[SarahRose]

My dad was so awesome. They broke the mold. I do compare some things like work ethics, integrity, calmness to him.n

 

My husbands seems to think I am like his father.

[Yilin]

Sometimes I think we do. My boyfriend reminds me sometimes of my dad in little things that he does or says. I've said to him a couple of times before "that's something my dad would also say/do". My father has always had a beard, and I figured I wasn't into beards before I met my current boyfriend. He has a beard and it looks absolutely great on him, to the point where I'm disappointed when he shaves it.

 

I don't mean to say my boyfriend is exactly like my dad, but there are certain things that are very similar.

[DoGGYtREAts]

Like a few others have hinted at.. Its probably more a matter of similar upbringing / morals /religious back ground Since most look to these in picking companions its reasonable to assume that someone with similiar Upbringing and values may have had a similiar childhood and possibly remind you of your own family.