1st date invitation at his house .. disrespectful?

[wannadoitright]

I'm not big on being social, so I'd prefer to do everything at home. Frankly, I dislike the "fanciness" of a lot of these cultural conventions, I view it as being show-off-y and unnecessary. I think it's disrespectful to expect a man to take a stranger out and pay for whatever (which I've never done, btw). Sex notwithstanding, I like the casual, no-frills style of just inviting women over. If you actually want to spend time with me, come and hang out. If you want to be treated like a princess in front of a group of peers, well, you'd better keep moving.

 

Lol. It seems you're so against women acting like princesses that you haven't bothered to consider any other (more probable) consequences of having a first date at your house or her house.

 

For the money conscious, a date could be a walk in a public park or even a picnic (just remind her to bring her own sandwich and bag of chips). That costs nothing. It could cost even more to cook her dinner at home so this issue has nothing to do with having to pay for a stranger's dinner.

 

There are crazy people out there...many. Bad things could happen if they step into your home. Watch more TV.

[Liraele]

After a few brief messages... yeah, I'd say that maybe it wouldn't be a good first date, and I'd probably feel a lot like you do - that it was more about hooking up than a date-date.

 

After lots of conversation, and if he/she brags about their wonderful culinary skills especially... I'd probably go for it, if I was getting a good vibe. (I don't know what it is, but men that can cook well are sexy to me... I'm not just talking throwing steaks on the grill or whatever, but actually cook without being glued to a cookbook.)

[FathomFear]

I don't know about disrespect, but I know I'd feel uncomfortable going to a stranger's house. Hell, none of my friends have seen the inside of my house. It's just personal!

 

Yeah, this would be my opinion as well. While it's completely possible that it's innocent and filled with good intentions, the fact of the matter is that you really shouldn't be meeting a complete stranger at his house. Unless, of course, you're interested in becoming a rape victim statistic. It's just far more logical to play it safe until you have a reasonable level of comfort with the person.

[FathomFear]

I'm not big on being social, so I'd prefer to do everything at home. Frankly, I dislike the "fanciness" of a lot of these cultural conventions, I view it as being show-off-y and unnecessary. I think it's disrespectful to expect a man to take a stranger out and pay for whatever (which I've never done, btw). Sex notwithstanding, I like the casual, no-frills style of just inviting women over. If you actually want to spend time with me, come and hang out. If you want to be treated like a princess in front of a group of peers, well, you'd better keep moving.

 

I think you're setting up a false dichotomy. The two options aren't "At home" or "Being treated like a princess in a public setting". There are many other options in between. Drinks at a bar. Some lattes at a coffee shop.

 

It's just not logical to go directly to someone's house, especially for women. The statistics around rape and battery are far prominent to make that a good idea.

[Blue Spiral]

It's disrespectful to ask a lady...

 

"gentlemen" and "ladies" were retired when equal rights came along. Adults can ask other adults anything in a direct way, without worrying about sensibilities.

[Blue Spiral]

Lol. It seems you're so against women acting like princesses that you haven't bothered to consider any other (more probable) consequences of having a first date at your house or her house.

 

I'm sure most women would consider it unsafe, and I can see why they would, but that won't stop me from asking.

 

Also, there's no way on earth that a meal I cooked (assuming I was going to cook a meal at all) is going to be more expensive than a restaurant.

[The_Seeker]

Hm, my first date with my current boyfriend was at his place. Well more like we met at his place, then went to go ice skating, and have lunch then watch movies on the coach. So yea a 7 hour date.

 

I think it if was long distant. Then you have to agree to meet up somewhere.

 

OP, I have a question. Did he invite you to come over and watch a movie on the first date?

 

If it is, then you can always suggest something else. Im pretty sure a person would be willing to accommodate to do something else. LOL Besides some guys aren't great planners. But some really are.

[Blue Spiral]

I think you're setting up a false dichotomy. The two options aren't "At home" or "Being treated like a princess in a public setting". There are many other options in between. Drinks at a bar. Some lattes at a coffee shop.

 

I don't drink coffee or alcohol. And others suggested a picnic (does anyone really do that?) or a walk in the park, but my skin is not a big fan of the sun, frankly. (And let me be clear, I'm only blaming women for the princess-y options, not these middle-ground ones, which are all me. But, from what I've heard, first dates are about impressing women, and I don't think the middle-ground options are as common as they claim.)

 

It's just not logical to go directly to someone's house, especially for women. The statistics around rape and battery are far prominent to make that a good idea.

 

I don't disagree, but it seems like the most natural option, to me. Paying for a woman I don't know sounds as crazy to me as just "hanging out" apparently sounds to other people.

[The_Seeker]

I don't drink coffee or alcohol. And others suggested a picnic (does anyone really do that?) or a walk in the park, but my skin is not a big fan of the sun, frankly. (And let me be clear, I'm only blaming women for the princess-y options, not these middle-ground ones, which are all me. But, from what I've heard, first dates are about impressing women, and I don't think the middle-ground options are as common as they claim.)

 

I FOUND A VAMPIRE! HAHAHA!

 

Just kidding. Just had to reply to this statement you made.

[Batya33]

"gentlemen" and "ladies" were retired when equal rights came along. Adults can ask other adults anything in a direct way, without worrying about sensibilities.

 

 

Actually no -the adults I know and am comfortable interacting with -who at least attended kindergarten -balance what they say to other people with tact, sensitivity and kindness. Basic manners - never go out of style.

[Blue Spiral]

I FOUND A VAMPIRE! HAHAHA!

 

Just kidding. Just had to reply to this statement you made.

 

This may explain my success with women in their early twenties. Now that I think about it, they're all Twilight fans...

[Blue Spiral]

Actually no -the adults I know and am comfortable interacting with -who at least attended kindergarten -balance what they say to other people with tact, sensitivity and kindness. Basic manners - never go out of style.

 

I'm not talking about basic manners. You said "It's disrespectful to ask a lady...", which sounded Victorian, to me.

 

I'm offended that you think that being direct with someone means you don't have basic manners. I'm always extremely polite, and if someone gets offended by something I do or say, I apologize and move on.

[lila...]

If a guy asked me to his place for a first date it would be a red flag. He may not necessarily have bad intentions, but it's lazy (why can't he think of a more creative and original first date?) and the fact that he's not putting in a lot of effort isn't good.

[The_Seeker]

This may explain my success with women in their early twenties. Now that I think about it, they're all Twilight fans...

 

Ha ha ha, twilight, ugh.

[ParisPaulette]

I would never go on to someone's house on a first date or as a first meeting for any reason with someone I didn't know well. Call it paranoia if you want, but the fact is when you go to someone's home they have the turf advantage. Which is fine if their intentions are honorable, but if they aren't...well things could end very badly. So in much the same way I don't cross the street without looking both ways or go running up to pet that dog that's snarling at me I very much hold to that other golden safety rule of never let someone you don't know well get you alone in private where you can't call for help if things go south. And yeah, I would pretty much end it right there since it tells me either he indeed disrespects me by thinking I"m too dumb to suspect ulterior motives or he truly is that clueless about what makes a woman feel safe or comfortable. Neither one of these things are endearing qualities to me. I would never invite someone I barely know to my house either. In fact as an added safety rule when meeting new people and getting to know them, both men and women, I insist we meet at a restaurant or in public somewhere away from my house and I am able to come and leave from the date with my own transportation.

 

Maybe I am being paranoid, but life experience has taught me that sometimes the nicest, most charming people can turn very bad very quickly when they think you are vulnerable and can't protect yourself. So no, I don't think it's odd at all or unreasonable to tell the guy thanks but no thanks or at the very least tell him you both have to meet in public at the beginning of getting to know each other.

[Batya33]

I'm not talking about basic manners. You said "It's disrespectful to ask a lady...", which sounded Victorian, to me.

 

I'm offended that you think that being direct with someone means you don't have basic manners. I'm always extremely polite, and if someone gets offended by something I do or say, I apologize and move on.

 

You wrote that adults don't have to worry about sensibilities and can be direct without regard to tact/sensitivity, etc.. That is what I disagreed with. I also disagree that referring to women and men as ladies and gentlemen at times is "victorian" and even if it is old fashioned, nothing wrong -and often a lot right -with old fashioned.

[ParisPaulette]

I would never go on to someone's house on a first date or as a first meeting for any reason with someone I didn't know well. Call it paranoia if you want to, but the fact is when you go to someone's home they have the turf advantage. Which is fine if their intentions are honorable, but if they aren't...well things could end very badly. So in much the same way I don't cross the street without looking both ways or go running up to pet that dog that's snarling at me I very much hold to that other golden safety rule of never let someone you don't know well get you alone in private where you can't easily get help if things go south. And same goes for them coming to my house when we barely know each other either.

 

I don't know if I'd call it disrespect, but something close to that or at the least bad manners or being completely clueless about how to make someone feel comfortable or safe when you are both just starting to get to know each other. And no, emails and chatting online or even by phone is not a substitute for getting to know each other in person. It's different obviously if you know each other for awhile or hang out with the same circle of friends and you've been to their house say for a party or something before, but to a near stranger's house--absolutely not, never. I've been called paranoid before for being cautious like this, but hey better that than becoming another crime statistic. Some guys may not get that, but try living in a world where the opposite sex tends to have at least 50 pounds or more of muscle and a foot or more in height on you and let's see how eager you are to put yourself in situations where you might have to fight for your life.

[Batya33]

The two times I was sexually assaulted it was because I decided to go to a private place with a person I didn't know well -one time on a second date (well the second time we met- the first time was a first meet)and one time at a resort.

[wannadoitright]

I'm sure most women would consider it unsafe, and I can see why they would, but that won't stop me from asking.

 

Also, there's no way on earth that a meal I cooked (assuming I was going to cook a meal at all) is going to be more expensive than a restaurant.

 

I was referring to cooking a meal compared to something free like a walk in the park or a picnic (where you both bring your sandwiches). A great number of women would be suspicious at the least of a guy who asks to have a first date over at his house. That is arguably the male version of wanting to be treated like a princess. It seems like the behavior/action of a male diva who wants to eat his cake and have it.

[Lonewing]

...

 

No, I don't think that's a very smart thing to do...

 

Counter with a proper dating place, and keep it in mind as a "he's probbaly not right, anyways" note. But hey, in meeting him, you may discover "geez I WISH we were in a private place..." If so, hey - move right ahead!! There's no reason why a girl should feel any more or less embarassed about wanting just this or just that.

 

Best of luck...and yeah, keeping away from the private venues while you're still just learning each other is probably the best route, anyways...

[Blue Spiral]

I was referring to cooking a meal compared to something free like a walk in the park or a picnic (where you both bring your sandwiches). A great number of women would be suspicious at the least of a guy who asks to have a first date over at his house. That is arguably the male version of wanting to be treated like a princess. It seems like the behavior/action of a male diva who wants to eat his cake and have it.

 

I'm not talking about dating, for the record, just hanging out.

 

That said, you're absolutely right about having cake and eating it too. Women are able to do that, since they get the best of both worlds. Legally, you're equals, but socially, you have special privileges and are sort of an honored class. You get the best part of modern times and the best part of old-fashioned times. I don't know that I'd call it being a diva...but whatever it is, it looks so fun that I thought I'd give it a try myself.

[lavenderdove]

I think some people are more socially savvy than others... For example, let's say a guy is really proud of his house or his cooking skills and decides the best way to make a good impression is show that off. But he doesn't get that a first date at his house isn't that appropriate because they don't really know each other and there are safety concerns for the woman that may not occur to him because he would never harm one.

 

But there are an equal number of guys who want to try for sex on the first date and will hence try to set up the situation to make it more likely to get that. And unfortunately way too many weirdos who rape and harm/kill women.

 

And many 'normal' guys don't get how scary it can be for a woman to be with a weird/aggressive guy they don't know well in a situation they can't control (i.e., isolated with a stranger in their house) and hence women are wary of that.

 

So i wouldn't call it disrespectful, but i would say that for a guy who is interested in more than sex with a woman, it is not a good choice and can send the wrong signal to her. Most women do want to get to know a guy before they hop into bed with him and are put out by men who try to isolate the woman in a location where they can get sex right away... it makes them suspicious of the guy on multiple levels, from their own safety to whether the guy just wants some quickie sex and they'll never hear from him again.

 

I would never ever in a million years accept a first date with a guy i'd met online (or anywhere else) at his house for safety reasons alone. I've met some guys who seem OK on the surface, but turn out to have some big issues where I would never see them again after the first date. And a couple dates where i have literally panicked and had to plan my escape from a guy who was way too aggressive and one who i thought was mentally ill. I was fine in both cases because i was in a public place and could leave, but if i had been in their houses, it would have been big trouble. I now won't even get in a car with a guy I don't know enough to trust because of the experience i had with the one guy i thought was nuts and i luckily escaped.

 

There is just no way you can know a guy well enough in a few hours conversation or online chatting to trust your safety to him. And most good guys who do want to date and find a GF will be perfectly happy not jumping into bed with you until you are comfortable with both them and the situation, whether that is waiting weeks or months for sex.

 

Men don't ever see themselves as 'prey', but unfortunately every woman i know lives with the possibility or rape and usually some personal experiences with at least one guy who was scary and harmed them or came close to doing so. So it is not a question of being 'old fashioned' it is a question of evaluate risk and the genuine recognition that many women do get raped, and by their dates.

[Batya33]

I'm not talking about dating, for the record, just hanging out.

 

That said, you're absolutely right about having cake and eating it too. Women are able to do that, since they get the best of both worlds. Legally, you're equals, but socially, you have special privileges and are sort of an honored class. You get the best part of modern times and the best part of old-fashioned times. I don't know that I'd call it being a diva...but whatever it is, it looks so fun that I thought I'd give it a try myself.

 

If you feel that way then your problem is solved -it sounds to me like don't like women very much as people so how to go about making a plan to spend time with a woman (other than for sex -and for that neither of you have to like each other as people) should not be an issue for you. From your perspective of course you wouldn't bother to make any sort of outside plan or anything that took effort for a person you think so poorly of just based on gender.

 

And I'll say I never felt I had any special privileges as a woman other than I got to have the experience of being pregnant and giving birth -for that I feel honored but that's just biology.

[bulletproof]

That said, you're absolutely right about having cake and eating it too. Women are able to do that, since they get the best of both worlds. Legally, you're equals, but socially, you have special privileges and are sort of an honored class. You get the best part of modern times and the best part of old-fashioned times. I don't know that I'd call it being a diva...but whatever it is, it looks so fun that I thought I'd give it a try myself.

 

If you are a white, heterosexual, American male, you are already giving it a try. Last I checked, that was a pretty privileged group. Even if you only have some of those traits, my guess is that it's not too tough going for you in the world.

[Alezia]

I would never meet a guy who I had not befriended for a long time at his house for a first date. I would be really uncomfortable with that preposition, even if he offered to cook for me (which has happened before), so I would suggest somewhere else. If he was insistent on the house date, then I would simply turn him down. I'd rather be safe and miss out on a fun date, then the opposite. The reward is just not worth the risk.