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This no contact in between dates is driving me crazy! Is he really interested?

Zebrelle

By Zebrelle
in Dating Advice

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Madison12 Apprentice

Madison12

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Zebrelle, hun, you're not getting it. This has nothing to do with HIM and everything to do with how YOU conduct yourself. The only person you can control here is YOU, and you are not dating from a place of self-worth and strength.

 

Get your nose in this book right now. You can download it for 12 bucks.

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superfox Apprentice

superfox

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Don't be super early, don't hang on his every word or laugh at his every joke, be mysterious about what your been up to, don't slate the coffee guy - this needs no more than you met someone else for coffee, don't compliment him I'd even suggest mocking his pool skills as 'not all that', don't recall every minuscule detail of previous conversations with him - act as if you hadn't hung on every word, let him come near you, don't touch him, no sex or making out, act nonchalant but happy. I'd even be tempted to tease him about his 'hareem' of backups if that crops up - don't mention it first though. No sulking, whining, whinging or moods ;-)

 

Oh and definitely don't shave your legs, this way you KNOW you won't want sex with him

!!

 

I'm not a fan of games and personally I'd have walked away, I would have teased him about his other women first though. Always leave them wanting more.

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april15 Rookie

april15

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Zebrelle, You can do better. If you are fine without monogamy (which I don't think you are) he would be a good match. I think you can find someone out there who will not mind being exclusive with you after a few dates. This half in half out you seem to be in is going to torment you. Either be happy with a dating relationship or get out and find a meaningful relationship with someone else.

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Ariel85 Enthusiast

Ariel85

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I understand what you guys are saying, but is it really too late to turn the tables? Isn't there a way to start fresh if I change my attitude with him? It was difficult for me to not control the situation when he contacted me yesterday afternoon. It wasn't perfect, I'm still learning, but I'm relatively proud that I at least asked him to pick me up. Believe or not, I felt bad to ask him this!!! But I did it anyway. Slow progress for me. I don't like the fact that he's seeing someone else. I don't like competition either and it makes me want to definitely stay careful now that I know what's going on.

 

This isn't what it's about. You have zero bargaining power with this guy, so you can't possibly turn the tables.

 

You're still going into this with a mentality that things are the way they are because of something you did or didn't do, and that you changing your attitude or actions is going to get him to respect you, and see you as a legitimate relationship option. Neither are going to happen.

 

This is what I mean about players ending up with women with low self-esteem. He's got you so under his thumb, that you think asking him to pick you up is some kind of great stride on your part, and you making a stand for yourself.

 

What you still don't see, is that the only way you'll ever redeem yourself in his eyes is if you blow him off. Guys simply don't respect women they can treat poorly, and since he enjoys doing that, as long as you stick around, he'll continue to devalue you.

 

But again, this is feeding a very basic pathological need for you, which is why you're even staying in the game to begin with.

 

None of this has to do with him, but all about you trying to make yourself feel better about yourself, by trying to get him to treat you nicer. It's part of the abuser/victim mentality as well. They also stick with bad men hoping for change. You can always claim that you did everything right, and were the perfect girl, and if only he just saw that, everything would be wonderful. This way you avoid taking any responsibility for your biggest mistake, which is staying involved with him at all.

 

I always the psychology of these things fascinating, actually.

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Zebrelle Rookie

Zebrelle

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So, because he told he was currently seeing another woman and I still go out with him even though I know this information, it mean he'll assume I accept the situation as it is? But what if I change how I act with him and it will always be that way? What if I more distant and less available, but I still go out with him when he makes the effort to see me? What if I tell him I won't be sleeping with him anymore until he stops seeing this other woman?

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camus154 Mentor

camus154

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But what if I change how I act with him and it will always be that way? What if I more distant and less available, but I still go out with him when he makes the effort to see me? What if I tell him I won't be sleeping with him anymore until he stops seeing this other woman?

 

Zebrelle, you just answered your own question. You can't make yourself less available while still jumping at the chance to go out with him when he decides he's available.

 

A few pages ago you were talking about insight and moving on. Now you're talking about changing YOURSELF in order to hold onto this guy who's sleeping with other women.

 

If that doesn't tell you something about how you view your own self-worth, then I don't know what will.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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So, because he told he was currently seeing another woman and I still go out with him even though I know this information, it mean he'll assume I accept the situation as it is? But what if I change how I act with him and it will always be that way? What if I more distant and less available, but I still go out with him when he makes the effort to see me? What if I tell him I won't be sleeping with him anymore until he stops seeing this other woman?

 

I don't think it's about being more distant. I think it's about working on your self esteem so it wouldn't occur to you to be available on 24 hours notice for a man who made those types of comments to you.

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calichick007 Enthusiast

calichick007

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I understand what you guys are saying, but is it really too late to turn the tables? Isn't there a way to start fresh if I change my attitude with him? It was difficult for me to not control the situation when he contacted me yesterday afternoon. It wasn't perfect, I'm still learning, but I'm relatively proud that I at least asked him to pick me up. Believe or not, I felt bad to ask him this!!! But I did it anyway. Slow progress for me. I don't like the fact that he's seeing someone else. I don't like competition either and it makes me want to definitely stay careful now that I know what's going on.

 

You feel comfortable having sex with him, but uncomfortable asking for him to pick you up for a date (that he's turned into a stay-at-home hookup 2x already)?

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calichick007 Enthusiast

calichick007

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What if I tell him I won't be sleeping with him anymore until he stops seeing this other woman?

 

First of all, it wouldn't work. And anyway, you keep viewing this other woman as your competition - like he'd suddenly want to commit to you if she was out of the picture. What do you plan to do when he meets another woman, and another? Is he still active on the dating site where you met him? Are you prepared to stick around and fight off every other woman he dates? And secondly, re-read what you wrote. Even if it COULD work - which it won't - why would you want to sell yourself as though sex is the best you have to offer?? Like if your personality and the person you are aren't enough to make him want to be with you, maybe your sex will be? That's such an unhealthy mentality.

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Zebrelle Rookie

Zebrelle

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I received a message from the guy I met last night. He wants to see me again this weekend. I so don't want to see him ever again. Gawd, no!

 

Ok, calichick007, I have to admit that you are right. I lack confidence a lot and I have a hard time believing I'm an interesting person with an amazing personality. I have a really hard time, especially when I really like someone. I've never experienced being interested in someone and the feelings being mutual. So, when it happens, I so want it to work because I'm afraid he'll never happen again. I'm working on it, but it's true I need to do a lot more work. And I'm really trying to distance myself from this guy, but it's hard because I really like him. Easier said than done.

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lalalollipops Community Regular

lalalollipops

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^ LMFAO what happened with the coffee guy? Spill lol was he boring?

 

And why settle for this jerk? You CAN do better. The sooner you demand better, is when you'll get it. People treat you the way you allow them to. If you demand respect and show with actions that you won't put up with crap, that you are happy with who you are and what you have to offer... they will lap it up and treat you better. That's what I've learnt. I went through being treated like crap (by exes not randoms though) and I've learnt alot.

 

Oh and NEVER thank anyone for asking you out. You should think it's their lucky day that you're giving them the time of day. And DO remember, you're 'always' going to be busy. Don't go out with sb that asks you out one day in advance. You lead a busy life, you shouldn't be on their beck and call. =)

 

When he asked, you should have told him 'you've already made plans for the next few days, that u can't talk right now as you're out having lunch (or dinner depending on time)/shopping/playing sports (if you DO play sports lol) so you'll get back to him on that when you get home.' Then go silent for a few days. THEN get back to him regarding a time. Of course he's got to pick you up. You don't need to ask him anything. Let him be the man.

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calichick007 Enthusiast

calichick007

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I've never experienced being interested in someone and the feelings being mutual. So, when it happens, I so want it to work because I'm afraid he'll never happen again.

 

It's not happening, though. You're interested enough to want to stop dating other people, make him stop dating other people, and have a real, committed relationship with him. He's interested enough to have sex with you when you invite yourself over and (maybe) shoot pool from time to time, still dating and meeting other women as he pleases. Those aren't mutual feelings... not even close. You're very into him, he's not that into you. Meanwhile, the guy from last night seems into you, but you're not into him at all. I know that sucks. But eventually there will be someone who is totally into you (whether sex is on the table or not), and you'll be just as into him. You could be missing the chance to experience that by wasting time on what I believe you know is a dead-end situation.

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Zebrelle Rookie

Zebrelle

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Well, the guy looked different than what he looked like in his pictures. He wasn't my type AT ALL!!! (Personality AND physique wise) The conversation just wasn't flowing. I hated it. I asked him questions like I was interested and I talked about myself as well, but after an hour, I really wanted to leave. I had to find an excuse and I felt bad for it. I thought it was SO obvious I just wasn't interested. I'm actually surprised he contacted me again. I guess I'm a good actor, ahaha! I so knew I should have exchanged a few more messages before agreeing to meet him. Oh, well... I won't do that again.

 

Back to Joel, I didn't thank him for asking me out. I thanked him to come and pick me up. It's not any better, I know. I guess I just wanted to be polite. We live 35 minutes away from each other and I really do appreciate than he comes to me. He did come to me for our 2 first dates as well, just thought I'd mention it. Yes, next time (if there is one), I won't be available to him if he asks me one day in advance. I'll try to keep in mind, even starting tonight, that, like you said, it's their lucky day that I'm giving them the time of day.

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Zebrelle Rookie

Zebrelle

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(Keep in mind that the conversation below is not totally in the same order it was last night. It's just the overall discussion.)

 

Ok. Where do I start? *sigh* I don't even know. He picked me up around 6:50 PM. We played pool for about 1:30 hour. He showed me some techniques. We joked around. He touched me on a few occasions, but not overly. This part of the evening was fun. Then, we sat to finish our drinks. It was weird. I don't know why. I can't explain. It was different. The conversation didn't flow too well for some reason. Perhaps it's because I didn't know how to act with him anymore. We decided to go to another place to get another drink and continue talking. Again, it seemed like the conversation wasn't the same. I think I was more distant, but I'm not sure if it was just me or him as well.

 

At some point, he asked me if I wanted to have another drink and I refused. I said: "No, I drank too much last time I was at your place and I said stupid things I shouldn't have said." He said: "What do you mean? I didn't think you said anything stupid." I said: "I just think some things should be left unsaid in the early stage of a relationship... not that we are a relationship, but you know what I mean." He said: "No, don't agree. It's important to communicate and I liked that you opened up to me last time and that you let me know what you though." I said: "You don't want to know what I think." He said: "I think I know." I said: "No, I don't think you really do." He said: "Well, tell me then. I want us to communicate." I stayed silent. He said: "Do you want to have the conversation?" I said: "Ok, sure..." He said: "Go ahead." I said: "I personally would like to see you more than once a week. I don't think once a week is enough to get to know someone. I personally prefer to concentrate on getting to know you better and only you." He said: "I agree with you. The other person I'm seeing complained about the same thing (seeing him only once a week) I'm trying to balance the time between both of you equally." I said: "You know you'll have to eventually make a choice, right?" He said: "Yes, I know, and I think about it everyday. I honestly can't choose between both of you. You have both the same good qualities I'm looking for in a partner, but you're two different people at the same time. But I like both your differences. If I could marry both of you, I would. But I can't do that forever." I said: "Someone will get hurt. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be for that person." He said: "I know and I don't like that. I want to make a decision within the next 2 to 3 weeks." We said a bunch of other things, but these were the most important things that were said. Then, talked about when we were next available. He said: "It could be Friday after I play hockey, but it's probably too short notice, right?" Don't ask me why but I said: "No, that's good. I'd like that." We talked about me sleeping over to his place. We left the restaurant and it was 11:00 PM with the plan of seeing each other tonight at around 10:00 PM, after his hockey game. For some reason, I felt okay last night when I got home. It's weird.

 

But this morning he sent me a message and he said that he forgot he was playing curling tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM and that he had to get up at 7:40 AM and that we should reschedule it for next time. We exchanged a few messages, which I'm not too proud of, but he really seemed like he preferred to either be alone or not with me or both. I know he won't be at home before 10:00 PM, but whatever... I ended up just telling him to have a good evening and that's it. And now I'm back to feeling like * * * * . I'm back to feeling insecure because he cancelled our plans for tonight. It's stupid because it's as if I thought I had some chances to be the chosen one last night because he said he couldn't make a decision between me and her and because he cancelled our plans. I don't know... Perhaps our discussion made him realize he needs to * * * * ing take a decision once and for all and he wants to spend some time alone to think about it. It would be a good idea actually. I must admit that I was at work and I had to go outside to hide and cry. This is SO pathetic. I know... Someone needs to give me a slap in the face. I'm starting to think he's just not interested enough in neither of us and that's why he can't make a decision. It's impossible he doesn't know who he wants at this point. One of us must stand out a little more. This is ridiculous. And I just feel stupid and ashamed as usual. I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.

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camus154 Mentor

camus154

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What's ridiculous is that you're even trying to get inside his head space, thinking that he should have made a choice by now.

 

If you're tired of feeling stupid and ashamed "as usual", then quit making the same decisions. Time for you to start taking some responsibility for the situations you put yourself in.

 

Good luck.

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DylanNotorious Rookie

DylanNotorious

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I think you need to use this time to clear your head, and try and look at this as clear as possible.

 

Does he have the qualities that you are looking for. You said the conversation wasn't flowing last night, so you have to ask yourself do you think in the long term you guys would be true friends where you can talk each others ears off. You need friendship in a relationship. Do you think you have that with him? I think you need to really sit down and analyize what you know about him so far, and if in fact he would make a great boyfriend. Not just thinking about how attracted you are to him, but really thinking about his qualities. I think you should continue dating other men, because I have the feeling that your going to click with someone much better.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

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Zebrelle why are you giving him all the power here? You have a decision to make too - and that's not to see this tw@twaffle anymore.

 

I agree.

 

I would have bounced when he said that if he could marry both of you, he would.

 

You really just gave this guy all kinds of power over you. It's sad.

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