This no contact in between dates is driving me crazy! Is he really interested?

[Batya33]

Is it better to cancel the date for tomorrow then or to go and see what happens?

 

I would go only if you're not going to get more attached to him if you do and only if you feel you can evaluate things objectively.

[Zebrelle]

Do nothing.

 

Don't text/call to confirm the plans. Just do nothing. And see if he contacts you at all this week.

 

What do you mean do nothing? You mean don't go, but don't tell him and see if he contacts me?

[Zebrelle]

I would go only if you're not going to get more attached to him if you do and only if you feel you can evaluate things objectively.

 

I don't think I'm that emotionally attached. I don't think I'll cry if I don't see him ever again. I won't necessarily like it, but I'll be okay. I'm not planning on sleeping with him tomorrow. But it just seems like seeing him is not such a good idea anymore.

[calichick007]

I personally wouldn't go. But I've also reached a point in my dating life where my number one goal is self-preservation. That means excusing myself immediately when I realize I'm not on the same page as someone I'm dating, that my needs are not being met, or that I am not truly happy with the way things are going. It took me some time to get here, though. Early- to mid-20's Calichick would have gone and then regretted it right after. LOL.

 

I say that to let you know that even though I'm being slightly harsh, I understand b/c I've been there. When you meet someone who seems to have their life together, is fun to be around, and you're attracted to them - it's easy to start feeling like you might not meet another one. But you do, and you will. And eventually, you'll meet one who feels the same way about you. My biggest turning point was deciding that I never want to be in another situation where I'm constantly initiating, always trying to "sell" myself to convince a guy he should want to be with me. I want somebody who wants to be with me. Someone who feels lucky to be with me. Waiting for that does get lonely sometimes, but I fully believe it will be worth it when it happens.

[DylanNotorious]

What do you mean do nothing? You mean don't go, but don't tell him and see if he contacts me?

 

Yes lol. Just see if he contacts you to make sure the plans are still on, or to make some plans.

[Zebrelle]

Sometimes, harsh words are needed. But I totally agree with you. I've been in that situation as well before with my ex and I told myself I would never be treated this way ever again. Yet, here I am. I haven't been single for 3 years for nothing. I've met a lot of people, I don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. Normally, I wouldn't have contacted a man that I didn't hear from in 5 days. I don't know why I did with him. I like him enough to take a chance. And, last Sunday, I wasn't totally convinced it was a good idea to see him again. I didn't want to go, but I ended up going anyway. I honestly didn't think I would have slept with him though. It just happened and I kind of got caught up. A part of me thinks it would probably be better not to go tomorrow. Yes, another part of me is curious to see how he will act with him. *sigh*

 

Yesterday, when he replied: "Ok." I wanted to answer nothing.

[Zebrelle]

Yes lol. Just see if he contacts you to make sure the plans are still on, or to make some plans.

 

I'm pretty sure he won't confirm the plans before I get to his place. If I'm not at his place by 5:00 PM, I think there is a chance he will contact me to see if I'm okay. That's my guess.

[calichick007]

I think you're in that frustrating place of knowing (logically) that the situation is wrong, but having your feelings overtake that logic. It sucks. I don't say this to suggest that you are weak... but realistically, I think you will go tomorrow. And we both know how he will act. He will be nice enough to get your hopes up, and you will likely sleep with him if he initiates it. He probably will, since that's the pattern you've established now. Then next week, when he's off with whomever celebrating his birthday and not contacting you, you'll wish you hadn't gone at all and feel badly again. I think that's the basic cycle of this "relationship."

[CMS]

Listen Zebrelle, there is playing hard to get, and then there is no effort, given the new updates, he falls into no making effort category which is bad, he is simply not playing a game of hard to get with you to raise your attraction level for him, he is simply behaving like he does not care, and I can promise you he does not, I mean you chase him around, ask him out, go over his place to have sex with him, you do all those things without him even having to booty call you, man you are making his life easy and devaluing yourself at the same time.

 

Trust me, have some self respect and people will respect you accordingly. You know what you need to do if you do not want to become just another booty call.

[Zebrelle]

Yes, I feel stuck. I know the situation is wrong and I can't do anything about it. So, I feel stuck because I don't want to leave it, but I know I have to. Why do you guys think he contacted me Thursday afternoon though? I know he didn't ask me out, but why did he take the time to at least send a message?

[CMS]

Yes, I feel stuck. I know the situation is wrong and I can't do anything about it. So, I feel stuck because I don't want to leave it, but I know I have to. Why do you guys think he contacted me Thursday afternoon though? I know he didn't ask me out, but why did he take the time to at least send a message?

 

False, there are plenty of things you can do, most of them are hard choice, what do you want from this relationship? whats your boundary (which of his behavior that you can tolerate and which one you can not?), you need to respect your own boundary and be willing to cut off ANYONE who violates them. Be strong and assertive with your life is one of the most attractive quality a person can have, anything short of it is just selling yourself short.

[CMS]

If you need tips on how to make a man chase you and pursue you, feel free to pm me.

[Zebrelle]

Let's say I cancel the date for tomorrow. If he's interested, how should he react to this?

[CMS]

If he is interested, he will get off his butt and contact you to reschedule with concrete plan, if he drops breadcrumbs asking you to make the effort then he is not interested.

[calichick007]

Let's say I cancel the date for tomorrow. If he's interested, how should he react to this?

 

You know the answer to that. First, he should be understanding - the same way you were when he turned your actual date into just staying home and having sex last week. Then, he should pick up the phone, call you, and ask you out for a date on an alternative day and time that works for you. He should plan that date (e.g., where you will go, where you'll meet, who will pick up the other), and give you the details. Then, he should follow through. The date should not consist of you going to his house and having sex, and he should make a concerted effort to maintain contact with you when you aren't together in order to get to know you as a person rather than a sex buddy. That's what it looks like when a man is interested in you.

[CMS]

You know the answer to that. First, he should be understanding - the same way you were when he turned your actual date into just staying home and having sex last week. Then, he should pick up the phone, call you, and ask you out for a date on an alternative day and time that works for you. He should plan that date (e.g., where you will go, where you'll meet, who will pick up the other), and give you the details. Then, he should follow through. The date should not consist of you going to his house and having sex, and he should make a concerted effort to maintain contact with you when you aren't together in order to get to know you as a person rather than a sex buddy. That's what it looks like when a man is interested in you.

 

I take back on my comments about him being a player, I will put money down as he is just not interested

[Zebrelle]

Ok, true. I probably know the answer already. But nobody answered me as to why he contacted me Thursday afternoon. I mean... He contacted me at least, no?

[calichick007]

Yes, I feel stuck. I know the situation is wrong and I can't do anything about it. So, I feel stuck because I don't want to leave it, but I know I have to. Why do you guys think he contacted me Thursday afternoon though? I know he didn't ask me out, but why did he take the time to at least send a message?

 

Who knows? Maybe he was bored. But really... it's one text. You've had sex with this person multiple times and are totally emotionally invested. A single text message (that you basically had to coerce him into sending by complaining the last time you saw him) is hardly meaningful enough to create any balance. And anyway, like you said earlier, it was a breadcrumb text. He didn't ask you out or engage in any conversation to try to get to know you. It takes 2 seconds to send a text message, which is why (1) they aren't all that impressive, IMO, and (2) it's pretty crappy that he can't even find 2 seconds to ask you out on a date.

[calichick007]

And honestly, Zebrelle - he's probably going to do just enough to keep you doing what you're doing now (making excuses for him e.g., "But he did text me that one time!"). Again, he gets a pretty girl literally chasing him, having sex with him when he's already said he's not about to commit because he doesn't even know you, and overanalyzing his every move... and all he has to do in return is send a "Hey, what's up?" text. You've already shown him that you don't view yourself worthy of any effort, so he exerts none. If you complain about no contact, he'll drop meaningless texts like the one from Thursday to keep you around for the no strings attached sex/company. Simple. He wins.

[BrowneyedMan]

Zebrelle, I quite agree with Calichick, after following how things have been going. You are so totally invested in it, and it seems like he isn't anywhere near as invested as you, to say the least. I think actually, you are 'over-invested' in the whole thing, which to me seems like you are chasing a dream in your head that you have about him and you together. You are just very attracted to him, that's why you desperately want to make it happen with him. ..I kind of went through a similar thing recently.. I had formed an entire lovey-dovey fantasy around this woman I met and fancied like crazy, and I wanted to see it transformed into reality. But the reality was, she was just not really interested in me. So I let it go eventually. ..well, two weeks on, I'm still alive.

 

I would recommend to you first of all: say good-bye to that fantasy about him and you in your head. It is nothing but a 'castle in the air' of your own imagination, that has its root solely in the boxes that he apparently ticks for you. (and maybe also in the closeness from the sex with him.) Detach yourself from wanting to 'make it happen' with him at all cost. Cause the way things are looking, there is a huge discrepancy between what you want from him, and what he's actually giving you. Why spend your time driving yourself crazy over this guy, when things could be so much easier and more satisfying with another guy who actually wants you and will show you that in an obvious and satisfying way ?! Unless you have unresolved ego-issues that make you want to attain the unattainable simply because your ego needs to validate itself that way, I think what I'm recommending would be the sensible choice to go about it. (..I know all about those ego-issues.. it's a trait of goal-orientated perfectionists (like me). but they are not particularly healthy.)

 

Take it from me: you're a very attractive woman who will have no trouble attracting other men, including guys you actually fancy. And if through this experience you've discovered for yourself that you like older guys in their mid-thirties who have good jobs and own houses, well, I'm pretty sure you can attract more of that kind, too. So stand by your boundaries, which you've already set (the things you'd actually want from this guy) ! Hopefully another guy you meet will be giving you more of that. I doubt this guy will, and currently you're compromising yourself, and that doesn't bode well for a happy relationship.

 

As for tomorrow, I'd say, yes, cancel the date and see how he reacts. And then see what he makes of it. Even when he does get in touch, don't give in so easily and make yourself readily available. Let him fight for you a bit. If he does, give him another chance. If not and he carries on with you as lazy as he has been, you know it's safe to move on.

(Lastly: in case you do meet him tomorrow, do NOT have sex with him ! - even if it'll be hard to resist. ..If he tries to push for it and gets irritated when you still resist, you will have another clear sign that he is mostly after sex and not seriously interested. - just to let you know..)

[Zebrelle]

Update: He sent me a message this morning. He said: "Hi! Do you like bacon? I was thinking of cooking a spaghetti for supper." I said: "Mmmmm... That would be delicious! He said: "With green and red peppers and bacon. Do you like onions?" I said: "I love onions. I put some in almost everything I eat. Bacon, green and red peppers as well. I can't wait to taste that spaghetti. He said: "You'll be here at 5:00 PM then?" I said: "For sure! At 5:00 PM, I'll be at your place. " He said: "Ok! See you later!

 

So... He will actually cook supper for me. That's amazing, no? I didn't even ask for it!!!!

[calichick007]

I thought him cooking was the plan... you're the one who told him the two of you would have dinner at his house. Honestly, I'd be more impressed at this point if he actually got of his ass and took you out. Do not let him talk you into staying home after you're done with dinner! Good luck, dear. I think you will need it.

[Zebrelle]

I thought him cooking was the plan... you're the one who told him the two of you would have dinner at his house. Honestly, I'd be more impressed at this point if he actually got of his ass and took you out. Do not let him talk you into staying home after you're done with dinner! Good luck, dear. I think you will need it.

 

Well, I told him we could either have dinner at his place OR at the restaurant. I gave him the choice. But, yes, I will make sure we won't stay at his place afterward. I really want to get out and have fun OUTSIDE his house.

[freiabereinsam]

So how was the date??

[Zebrelle]

I don't know what to think or what to do anymore. I just feel like crying and I actually am. (Must be the wine.) I'm just so tired of this. During the supper, I decided to ask him about our relationship. I don't remember exactly how we started talking about it, but I pretty much said everything I told you guys. (That I wasn't interested in meeting other people at this point because I was interested in him.) He told me he was seeing another woman as a friend. He said he met her before some time before me and he didn't sleep with her. I said I didn't want to waste my time and that he should tell me if he already knew he didn't want anything serious from me. But he said he was really interested in me and he still wants to get to know me. I just don't know what to think of all this right now. We cuddled and we fell asleep. He said I could sleep at his place if I wanted to, but I didn't have anything so I decided to go back home. So, here I am all emotionally messed up. I just don't feel like competing with someone else right now. I just don't want to. He said he is available on Saturdays. It's just a coincidence that the few last Saturdays he weren't. He said he could make time for me if I wanted to. He said he could not go play hockey and curling on Fridays or spend time with me right after if I wanted to. But I don't know anymore. I just feel like * * * * .