This no contact in between dates is driving me crazy! Is he really interested?

[Zebrelle]

Well yeah, that's exactly the point. And, what's more -- it worked. He now has you "competing" for him. Comparing yourself to this woman, speculating about his level of interest in her vs. you -- in a small way, feeling "good" that you are one of the "final two." You are viewing this entire interaction through the lens of what you can do to "win" him. Take a step back, think about YOURSELF and then re-read your posts throughout this thread. I think you'll start to see a common theme - you constantly de-value yourself and put him a position of power. Take control!

 

Yes, it's true. I just realized something today. The way I feel right now is how I felt with my ex at the end of our relationship... and that's not good. He and I took a break because he had met another women and he wasn't sure if he still wanted to be with me or with her. I remember feeling so stressed whenever I wasn't with him because I knew he probably was with this other woman. In the end, he chose me and he even said to me: "I really like this girl and I still want to be with you. I don't know if you realize how amazing that means you are." Well, the trust just wasn't there anymore afterward and that's basically the reason why it didn't work out in the end. But when I met my ex, I wasn't the same person. I was so carefree. He chased me. I didn't want to be with him, but he chased me so hard that I finally fell for him. I wish I could go back to being that carefree person I was. I wasn't over thinking or over analyzing. I was just... innocent in a way, I think. I guess I just didn't realize. But, anyway... I shouldn't feel that way right now with this guy. We're not even together yet and I'm already competing with someone. We're not even together yet and I'm already stressed whenever I'm not with him because I know he's probably with her. That's not a good way to start a relationship. If he has that many girls after him, he doesn't need me. If he wants that other woman, well, whatever. Take her. What do you want me to do! It won't make much difference to him if I'm in the picture or not it seems.

[calichick007]

If he is THAT interested in her, why did he keep meeting other women then? Why did he decided to meet me? He's the one who approached me on that dating Website. He's the one who asked me out on a date. It just seems weird that he decided to meet me if he knew her before and was interested in her before he even met me.

 

I'm not saying he's over the moon about her... none of us can know that. Maybe he wasn't sure about her when he approached you. And it's been a month - perhaps he's gotten closer to her over the past month and stopped initiating things with you as a result. Who knows? What happened a month ago is irrelevant at this point. What's happening now is that he isn't demonstrating any interest in actually dating you or even doing anything in public right now, much less having a committed relationship. That should be your only focus.

[Zebrelle]

Yes, that's right. I have no plan of contacting him at this point. If he prefers he, so be it.

[Madison12]

Zebrelle - I'm just gonna come out and say this. He sounds like a complete and utter douche. What's the attraction here? If a guy ever implied that I made it into the "final round" I would high-tail it out of there so fast. Is this more about your ego than anything?

[Zebrelle]

I didn't imply I made it to the final round, but... I took it that way. It felt that way because just before he said he once had 5 women to choose from. Perhaps when I came into the picture, there was only this other women. I mean... I don't know anymore. I'm just tired of feeling like * * * * all the time. I'm tired of meeting guys I'm interested in, but who don't give a * * * * about me. I know I have a lot to offer. I know I deserve more than that. But I just can't seem to find the guy who will take me for who I am and who will give me what I deserve. I'm tired of searching and ending up with zero results. It's exhausting. I know I'm not that bad of a person. There you go, I'm crying again.

[Ariel85]

Geez, this is a really sad story.

 

OP - just read the whole thing. My take?

 

You are nothing more than casual sex to this guy. I mean, you keep throwing yourself at him, and have since you met. You continually pursue him, give him sex with no commitment, and do all the initiating. He does nothing except have you over for booty calls.

 

I think he's busy courting someone he really likes, probably isn't sleeping with her (and doesn't need to, since you're filling that need), and keeps giving you lip service, because you accept it.

 

Thing is, if you let yourself be lesser than, then you will always be able to be with someone who will reinforce that. You say you feel you deserve better, are tired of meeting dbags, etc., then why, oh why did you let this guy use you and play you? It's not about you not meeting the right guy. It's about you trying to make the obviously wrong guy into a prince.

 

This guy is a giant player/user, and the sooner you lose his number, the happier you will be.

[Madison12]

Zebrelle I'm in the same boat as you honey. I'm 32 and single again after a 4 year relationship ended in July. I was actually engaged with a wedding planned. I was supposed to get married this past Saturday. So I understand feeling like you'll never have your happy ending. But, I don't believe that, for you or me. I would put your nose in a few books about men and dating. One I found SO helpful was "why men love * * * * * es". Men really do hate it when we chase them. It's boring to them. There is no mystery there, no effort on his part, so men don't find that exciting at all. Do you find yourself picking up the slack in all of your relationships?

 

The first thing you need to do is realize your worth and realize that you ARE worth the effort. And if a guy isn't going to step up, you're prepared to walk away, not keep asking him out or going to his house and having sex with him. He hasn't earned you. You are worth earning, girl. You really are. And men believe that too when we believe it about ourselves, because it's in every single way you handle yourself.

 

I was recently in touch with a guy via an online dating site. He said he wanted to ask me out for this week, but I've heard nothing since. Am I going to email him or nudge him or text him or anything? Nope. He said he'd call, he's got my number. If he doesn't, then I'm going to find the guy who WILL. Because I'm worth the effort, and we teach people how to treat us.

 

Anyway you need to take back your control here and stop playing these back and forth games with this man-child. You want a guy who knows what he wants and will take the bull by the horns. None of this wishy washy pansy crap about you and some other woman.

[calichick007]

No, you are not a bad person at all. You are a beautiful girl and seem to be quite intelligent and a nice person. I think you would benefit from spending some time alone and working on your sense of self-worth, instead of being so desperate to be in a relationship. You teach people how to treat you. And if you want a man who respects you and values you, you have to respect and value yourself first. It sounds like you know this is a pattern for you... why not try to figure out the root and halt the pattern before you jump headfirst into something else?

 

And I know I keep repeating it, but I think you would be a lot happier if you put sex on the backburner until you really get to know the guy. If what you want is a committed relationship, don't find yourself in his bed before you even know how he feels and what he's looking for. I really think you'd be able to see this situation a lot more clearly if sex hadn't been thrown in the mix... there's a reason why every single person who has posted in this thread can see what you cannot. Because none of us are emotionally tied to him. None of us have been physically intimate with him.

 

If one of your friends told you they wanted to hook you up with a guy who would never call you, never ask you out, never take you out in public, talk to you about other women he's dating, was unavailable on weekends, but would be happy to accept sex as long as you had no expectations - you would turn it down immediately. I'm sure you would. That's all you're getting in this situation, but the false sense of intimacy has clouded your judgment. Like numerous men have said in this thread, men are able to view sex as a purely physical act that doesn't mean much at all. I don't think you have the same capability, and that's okay. I don't either, which is why I don't engage in casual sex or get intimate before I know where a relationship is going. And because I want something long-term, if a guy tells me that's not what he's looking for (either through his words or his behavior), I'm out. Trying to sex or charm your way into a relationship does not work. Ever.

 

At the end of the day, none of it means anything is wrong with you. Everybody isn't going to be interested in you, but it only takes one. And when it's the right one, you won't have to chase him, you won't have to make long threads about him on the internet, and you won't be crying all of the time. He will leave you with no doubts about his feelings and his intentions. You are worth that. It's up to you whether you choose to settle for less.

[CMS]

He sounds like a complete and utter douche.

 

Thats the appeal of the bad boys who have many options, you want things you have to fight for thats not easily obtainable, such is the dynamic of the dating game

[Zebrelle]

Thanks, guys. Yes, I think I'll spend more time with myself... It'll probably take me a few days to feel better, but (like it says in Harden My Heart...) I'm gonna harden my heart, I'm gonna swallow my tears and I'm gonna turn and leave him here. I know it's mostly my fault, but it really caught be be surprise that he wanted to be intimate so fast. He said he wanted to take things slow. So, I wasn't expecting it and, when it happened, I just didn't know how to stop. He really got me I must say...

 

But can someone tell he wasn't worth it anyway? That would make me feel better.

[calichick007]

Thats the appeal of the bad boys who have many options, you want things you have to fight for thats not easily obtainable, such is the dynamic of the dating game

 

Most women grow out of that, thankfully. Young (and young-minded) women find the PUA-type guys appealing... most mature women find it pathetic.

[CMS]

You are going to be alright. Because you just got yourself a dating coach

[CMS]

Most women grow out of that, thankfully. Young (and young-minded) women find the PUA-type guys appealing... most mature women find it pathetic.

 

Good for you

[Zebrelle]

I don't think he ever was that interested in me. I shouldn't have pursued him when 1) he told me he wanted me to contact him first after our first date. 2) he told me he would have probably contacted with after a week if I hadn't. 3) I hadn't heard from him in 5 days after our second date (even if he told me he thought about me and didn't think I would think he wasn't interested). I should have seen the signs that he never was that interested and stop it there.

[CMS]

I don't think he ever was that interested in me. I shouldn't have pursued him when 1) he told me he wanted me to contact him first after our first date. 2) he told me he would have probably contacted with after a week if I hadn't. 3) I hadn't heard from him in 5 days after our second date (even if he told me he thought about me and didn't think I would think he wasn't interested). I should have seen the signs that he never was that interested and stop it there.

 

Dont beat yourself up, the game of dating is just about trial and error, date enough frogs and 1 of them might be a prince

[Ms Darcy]

Don't feel bad sweetie. We have ALL been there. You have had great love before and you will again. Good luck.

[calichick007]

I don't think he ever was that interested in me. I shouldn't have pursued him when 1) he told me he wanted me to contact him first after our first date. 2) he told me he would have probably contacted with after a week if I hadn't. 3) I hadn't heard from him in 5 days after our second date (even if he told me he thought about me and didn't think I would think he wasn't interested). I should have seen the signs that he never was that interested and stop it there.

 

Consider it a lesson learned. That's life... take a little something from each experience and use it to improve the next.

[BrowneyedMan]

Just look back at about every post of the last 7 pages - everyone here said he wasn't worth it.

 

I believe one issue you might want to work on during your "time with yourself", before you get back in the game, is to ask yourself why you are prepared to do literally anything to get that one guy that you have set your mind on, no matter how many red flags you actually see.

Without wanting to cause you offence, but just following your train of thought throughout this thread, I personally feel that you come accross as very narrow-minded on the one hand, and extremely submissive on the other. Like the other girls have been saying, you've been "throwing yourself at this guy", and for no good apparent reason. I felt the same. And to be honest, I personally would also be hard-pushed to respect and stay attracted to a woman who behaves that way, no matter how cute she is. Also, that sort of behaviour literally eclipses the positive characteristics you might otherwise have going for yourself from a man's view. ..you then simply come accross as needy. And no guy ever feels he ought to pursue a needy woman. (And if you think about it, it's the very same thing for women/vice versa.)

 

..Generally-speaking, I wouldn't take onboard this whole idea of "being a challenge" too much, because women who've gone through something like you now and then go to the other extreme and act like what they believe is a "challenge", cause the men they meet, and consequently themselves, a ton of needless frustration. ..I think what you've kept saying all along, how you like to be upfront and genuine with a guy you like and wanting to be exclusive with him, is all very good !!! BUT, don't stay so fixated on giving these good things to the next-best guy if he just doesn't show any appropriate response in return ! There absolutely has to be a healthy balance. If you show interest and come his way, then he needs to do the same. Else it's wiser to retreat, and let him come your way, and if he doesn't, then move on to a better guy who will do so.

[Zebrelle]

Yes, I did a few mistakes. But I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't contact him everyday either. He asked me out on a first date. We went out and I sent him a message the following day to thank him and he asked me when I was free. Then, I didn't contact him until the day before to confirm the plans were still on. We saw each other for a second time and we kissed. It was a Monday and we talked about meeting again on Sunday at the end of the date. Then, I thanked him again when I got home and we exchanged a few messages. I only contacted him 5 days later (on the Sunday) to see how he was doing and if he was still interested in going out. He said that he was, that he was sick during the week and still sick, but that we could meet on Tuesday to play pool. I contacted him to confirm the plans on Tuesday and he said he was still sick and that I could come to his place instead. I declined the invitation and we rescheduled for Sunday instead. I only contacted him the day before, again, to confirm the plans were still on. But I mean... It's not like I've been all over him. I pretty much only contacted him to confirm the plans we previously talked about. But, it's true, I could have let him confirmed the plans instead.

[Ariel85]

I personally would also be hard-pushed to respect and stay attracted to a woman who behaves that way

 

Couldn't agree more. I think the OP is missing the fact that when she devalued herself, he lost interest in her as a real prospect, because it's impossible to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. I don't know any guy who would have a sincere and long-term interest in a woman with such low self-esteem.

[BrowneyedMan]

Ok, fair enough, maybe I misunderstood some things along the way of what actually happened and what were your thoughts. Don't worry !

 

Just... don't waste yourself on this guy anymore !! please... You seriously can do soooo much better than being "no.2 out of the last two" for some 35-year old 'bachelor' with a house. Be No.1 for a good guy who wants noone but you !

[Zebrelle]

I honestly don't think it was that bad when we look at the overall picture. I think, yes, I probably should have waited for him to contact me after the second date when we talked about perhaps seeing each other on the Sunday. That was a mistake on my part for sure. I kind of asked him out when I asked him if he was still interested, but he's the one who told me we could do something on the Tuesday. And on Tuesday, he told me I could come to his place instead because he was still sick, but I said no and we rescheduled for the Sunday. And when we saw each other on the Sunday, it's true I asked him what was the plan now, but he's the one who told me we could see each other on Tuesday. But, regardless of everything, it doesn't change the fact that he's seeing another woman at the moment and the fact that he doesn't seem to know what he wants whether he's really interested in me or not. I mean... Of course after a month I'd like to know where I stand. It's true we talked a little bit about it the week earlier, but we didn't really talk about him seeing someone else. I know he mentioned it, but I wasn't sure there was someone on a regular basis. I needed to know, I think.

 

Anyway... For sure, I shouldn't waste my time with someone who sees his life as the Bachelor and is now down to the two last roses. And I didn't like the fact that he told me he received lots of messages either.

[Zebrelle]

I need your help guys. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night. I'm really stressed right now. Everyone tells me he's a douche and narcissist, but I'm still stressed. I feel stupid and used, mostly because I know it's my fault if things are currently this way. I allowed things to be this way. I guess I need a few more days to detox him from my system and my head. This is so hard...

[Zebrelle]

I'm so confused. Is it legitimate for me to feel uncomfortable with the fact he's seeing another woman because we've been seeing each other once a week for a month now? I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.

[lalalollipops]

Come on. Who cares if he doesn't contact you? Frankly he's doing you a favour! He's a loser and an ahole. Why would you still want to be in contact with him? Learn from what happened hun =/ don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

 

You shouldn't feel uncomfortable with him seeing anybody. Hell even if you went out 3 times a week for 3 months, if there's no talk of exclusivity then he can do what he likes. He can see 4 girls for who you care. That's how casual dating works.