This no contact in between dates is driving me crazy! Is he really interested?

[Zebrelle]

I know. I agree. It's pathetic.

[BrowneyedMan]

In all honesty, I believe most of us have said what had to be said, so maybe she needs/wants to experience the entire lesson to be learnt in continueing to see a player.

This thread, unlike most others, has gathered way over a hundred responses so far and nothing has changed. What more can you say to it ?

[Zebrelle]

I contacted a few men on the dating Website I'm on. There's a man that actually contacted me a few months ago, but I closed my account shortly after because I had met someone else. Anyway... I saw he was still on the Website. Maybe we'll get in contact this time. Also, the man I had a date with a few weeks ago (at the same time I had dates with Joel) contacted me earlier. He wants to do something with me. I'm not sure. He's okay physically, but personality wise, I'm not sure. I find him immature a little bit. Anyway... I'm trying to move on with my life.

[Julcic]

I think you need a time out babe xx

[Zebrelle]

I deleted his number from my cell phone as well...

[brazilgirl21]

I know in the online dating world, it's ok to date multiple people at the same time. However, I find it weird. I mean, ok, go on 2-3 dates with a few people. But after the third date, it's time to stop dating around.

 

With his talk about feeling like the bachelor and marrying both of you if he could, I would just run as fast as I could. You deserve so much better.

[Zebrelle]

I know. I find it weird as well. Anyway, as I mentioned, I deleted his number from my cell phone and I contacted a few men on the dating Website I'm on. I might accept the date offer I received for Monday night even though I'm really not sure I'm interested in the guy.

[Ariel85]

So, how is jumping into dating new guys that you're not into, going to solve your problems?

[Zebrelle]

I'm not going out with him to feel better if that is the question. I met this guy once. He isn't bad looking, but there are some things I didn't like about him when we met. I'm not overly excited about going out with him again, but I just want to see what a second date could bring. What's wrong with that? I'm not dating guys I'm not into. I'm accepting a second date with a guy I'm not sure who I'm not sure about. I'm going to serial date. It's not my type. I contacted a few men (that I'm actually interested in!) on the dating Website because I just want to move on with my life. I'm not going to keep crying.

[Ariel85]

You're missing the point entirely.

 

Which was, that as long as you just float from guy to guy, you're never going to fix what's wrong that you would even get this involved with the player. The fact you're not stopping long enough to do some personal work means you'll most likely end up in the same position, over and over. The solution isn't moving on to some other guy - with your lukewarm interest or not. It's getting into some therapy to stop the pattern before this snowballs on you.

[calichick007]

In all honesty, I believe most of us have said what had to be said, so maybe she needs/wants to experience the entire lesson to be learnt in continueing to see a player.

This thread, unlike most others, has gathered way over a hundred responses so far and nothing has changed. What more can you say to it ?

 

Agreed 100%. I think she's going to have to ride this one til the wheels fall off.

[Batya33]

This has nothing to do with online dating - you are dating him in person, and you happened to meet him through a dating site. He is also dating someone else, which happens when people meet in all sorts of ways. I think this would be fine if you were fine with sharing him (and if you were you wouldn't have even thought to question him about who else he is dating) but since you're not it's not fine and my sense is that he's not telling the other lady about you and she is getting his prime weekend nights.

 

I've been in this situation on both sides. In one case the "other woman" was a person my ex started dating when we were apart but we started dating again about a month after he met her. I found out about her (he wasn't cheating, I just didn't know specifics right away) and she found out about me at some point - she thought they were going in a serious direction but they weren't. He ended things with her after dating her almost 6 months and she was extremely upset. She's now happily married. Even though I "won" I didn't feel I won -the stress of knowing he was dating someone else- and knowing who it was- really strained our relationship and made it far more into a rollercoaster than anything healthy.

In another case, a guy I went out with a handful of times told me he had to stop seeing me because he'd become more intimate with another woman. Then he called me about two months later to go out again and I said yes - but it was obvious he wasn't that into me and I should have realized that if he had been, he would have chosen me in the first place.

So, lessons learned - not a path I recommend -the competition for the "prize" - in quotes because believe me you won't want the prize even if you win it.

[blueidealist24]

Honestly, bail now! He's just stringing you two both along and the fact that he talks so non-uncomfortably about doing so is just a show of his arrogance.

[Ms Darcy]

My bet is that he marries neither one of you.

[servedcold]

Have been away some time, same old same old here on enotalone it appears. Z, I disagree with lots of the advice you have been given here, and agree with a bit of it. First, based on what you post, this guy is not a jerk and most definitely not a "player." The fact that he made unfortunate comments about feeling like the Bachelor, and was forthcoming about seeing someone else proves that in my mind. You got a bit too involved in him too fast. His pacing is actually normal, yours just a little too fast, but you are obviously learning that lesson from the experience.

 

As far as his being low on in between date contact and asking out for future dates during ongoing ones, no man who is worth your time in the long run, who has a life going on, is going to immediately start calling, texting, soliciting you nonstop before you have had several dates. The ones who do that are the BAD ones, the red flags. The ones who ask you out for future dates before giving breathing room are generally undesirable also.

 

In this case, you didn't give him time to tip his hand to you by letting him make the early contacts. He charmed you on the first date and then you became the assertive one. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but ONLY if you can keep your emotional cool. All the talk in the thread about power plays and manipulation on his part is absurd IMO. If you stripped out all your feelings and just posted his actions, there simply is no Dr. Evil in these facts, and moreover, other than moving a bit too fast emotionally and physically, you didn't make any grave errors either.

 

You don't have any control of your feelings here, but that's something you need to work on, don't fall into relationship board cliches and immediately look to start blaming him for that. He didn't do that to you, you did it to yourself by getting emotional and physical way too fast.

 

Keep meeting men from the site and dating others, cultivating other options. Stop initiating contact with this guy so you don't constantly have your neck stuck out and feelings on the line. Guard against behavior where your own actions leave you hanging and stressed. It's too late to do things differently with this one, but as you date more from online, keep a healthy distance until you know the person you are dating better, and that takes several dates. Anyway that's long enough, good luck and take all the "jerk calling" with a grain of salt, lots of hurting people in places like this.

[Zebrelle]

My bet is that he marries neither one of you.

 

Well, that's the thing. I don't think he's THAT interested in neither of us if he can't decide who he wants. Whatever... I'm done with him. He's obviously not interested in me if he doesn't know by now that he wants to be with me and only me. But, as I mentioned before, my feeling is that he wasn't that interested from the beginning. Anyway... I started reading the book Why Men Love * * * * * es and I will just concentrate on doing some reading for now.

[Madison12]

Servedcold, good feedback, but a guy who just so callously says to a woman that he'd marry her and another woman at the same time is pretty much a douchebag, esp after being intimate with her. Yes lots of people multi-date, I do it myself, but I would NEVER say something like that to any of my dates. That's just mean.

[blueidealist24]

Servedcold, good feedback, but a guy who just so callously says to a woman that he'd marry her and another woman at the same time is pretty much a douchebag, esp after being intimate with her. Yes lots of people multi-date, I do it myself, but I would NEVER say something like that to any of my dates. That's just mean.

 

Yes!! And it wasn't that she wanted to be called/texted NONSTOP, he just wasn't doing ANYTHING.

[calichick007]

But this morning he sent me a message and he said that he forgot he was playing curling tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM and that he had to get up at 7:40 AM and that we should reschedule it for next time. We exchanged a few messages, which I'm not too proud of, but he really seemed like he preferred to either be alone or not with me or both.

 

Did you beg to see him?

[BrowneyedMan]

Well, that's the thing. I don't think he's THAT interested in neither of us if he can't decide who he wants. Whatever... I'm done with him. He's obviously not interested in me if he doesn't know by now that he wants to be with me and only me. But, as I mentioned before, my feeling is that he wasn't that interested from the beginning. Anyway... I started reading the book Why Men Love * * * * * es and I will just concentrate on doing some reading for now.

 

Good for you, Zebrelle. This way you'll be on the way to better luck in the future, I'm sure !

[Zebrelle]

Thanks, BrowneyedMan. Thanks to all of you. I know it seemed like I never followed your advice, but I did my best. When you're involved in the situation, it's not as easy. Anyhow, I know the best solution is to move on. There is no way for me to win the situation whatever I do. If I still see him, he won't make a decision because he'll know I'll stick around. Plus, it will hurt me even more. If he doesn't choose me, I'll get hurt. If he chooses me, I probably won't be able to trust him. The only solution is for me to move on. So, I'll try to meet other men, but I'll also do some reading as I mentioned. I did start reading some books today. Anyway... One day at a time.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, that's the thing. I don't think he's THAT interested in neither of us if he can't decide who he wants. Whatever... I'm done with him. He's obviously not interested in me if he doesn't know by now that he wants to be with me and only me. But, as I mentioned before, my feeling is that he wasn't that interested from the beginning. Anyway... I started reading the book Why Men Love * * * * * es and I will just concentrate on doing some reading for now.

 

Hugs to you honey. You deserve better. It's not that he was too slow ... it's that he showed too little interest. I commend you on moving on.

[Zebrelle]

Thanks! Yes, I should have listened to my little inner voice from the start. Time for me to start fresh and learn from my mistakes.

[superfox]

What you need right now is a massive ego boosting!

[Zebrelle]

And how do I get that?