This no contact in between dates is driving me crazy! Is he really interested?

[superfox]

And how do I get that?

Personally, and it goes against everything others are saying, I'd throw mysel back into online dating and maybe a new site too. Dating should be 'fun' and doesn't have to mean sex or a relationship or Mr Right BUT you never know. That's what I have done in the past nadir really makes you feel better. This guy is history, bring on the next! And never ever let anyone make you feel so worthless again honey x

[kristenjo]

Zebrelle, I read this entire thread and...whew. I see so much of what I went through recently in it. I heard right away from a man I started seeing that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship due to being hurt in the past. I continued to see him because he was pursuing me, but we only saw each other once a week or once every week and a half. I fell in emotionally due to some serious conversations and frankly, the most intense, passionate sex of my life. I eventually became the pursuer because I mistook this sexual intensity and deep conversations to mean that he might be falling for me. When I became the pursuer, he started treating me the way that guy treated you. No effort, and I could tell he was losing respect for me. I would blow him off and then he would come running after me. Cycle would repeat. The level of disrespect and crap he would pull got out of control. This went on for almost a year!! Then his ex came back and he started spending tons of time with her because guess what? He wasn't interested enough in me. If a guy is interested enough in you, he will contact you, take you out and you won't have to analyze his every move. Having to overanalyze his actions is a very bad sign. I think you should do what I did - take a step back and work on your self-esteem before you date again. Make sure that you don't concoct a fantasy relationship when you do start dating again....

[Zebrelle]

I received a few messages from the dating Website. Nothing too interesting so far though. I hope I'll get the chance to meet someone else soon better than him. And I hope things won't work out with his woman and justice will be served.

 

Kristenjo, thanks for sharing your experience with me. You, and the majority, told me to work on my self esteem and I agree. I've always had an issue with my self esteem. I thought it had gotten better, but I guess it's not totally the case. The worst part is I know if he was genuinely interested in me I wouldn't need to question it. I have to make sure I don't fall in the same trap next time.

[Batya33]

I have many friends who questioned a man's level of interest in the beginning because they were nervous/excited/insecure. And the men were really interested. The issue here was that he told you and showed you he wasn't interested in a serious relationship with you but you didn't want to hear the clear message. It would have been different if he was contacting you regularly for dates, and treating you with respect and you still had doubts that he was that into you because of your own insecurities and past experiences. We've all waited by the phone even though the man calls us every few days in the beginning -or even every day -and we can't believe we're even nervous that the calls will stop - that's when you know that your questioning is your own issues. There was no ambivalence here that you needed to question -you just needed to listen to what he was saying and how he was acting. Now you have -good for you!

[Zebrelle]

Yes, although a little late. I still feel really stressed though. It just doesn't want to go away. Sometimes, I'm okay thinking he's not worth it. Other times, I'm not okay and I start stressing because it just hurts that he doesn't give a * * * * . I guess only time will make me feel better. I know I shouldn't stress over him, but I can't control my feelings. I woke up at 4:00 AM two mornings in a row now because I'm too stressed.

[Madison12]

Zebrelle I went on a few dates with a guy who sounds kind of like your dude. The difference was, I did not get intimate (even though we were VERY attracted to one another and messed around a bit) with him and he knew I wasn't going to simply fool around, so a few days after our second date I got a very strange email from him saying that "you are much too cool" he had "much too respect for you to just mess with you", and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. If I recall he was rather fresh out of a relationship. I can't imagine why he is on a dating site if he was afraid of meeting someone that he would actually like and respect, but that's his problem and not mine. I wrote him a short email back saying that I had fun with him and good luck. When you respect yourself, the dbags will automatically know they can't pull the same crap with you that the other girls will accept, and they'll move on. I was definitely bummed; he was very handsome, we had a lot of chemistry, same sense of humor, love of dogs, everything was clicking. But I had other dates lined up and forged ahead.

 

Now, I think I *might* have met a winner. It is VERY early on and we have only been on a few dates, but Zebrelle he is SO MUCH COOLER than the other guy. He wants to hold my hand when we're out. He's always locking down the next date. We went on a day date with our dogs to the dog park then lunch after (these are SAFE as in you're not drinking at night and tempted to have sex). He wants to make me dinner this week. He makes me laugh, he's very successful, he's cute, tall, and he can't keep his eyes off me. I feel beautiful and desired around him and he's not short on the compliments. It's pretty awesome. As I said it's very early and I am pacing things, but I promise if you get your head on straight and keep multi-dating something will rise to the top. Even if this particular guy doesn't work out, I know that this type of attention and pursuit is what I want in a man.

 

Hang in there - try not to stress about this dude. He is not worth losing sleep over. It might take a little time but eventually you'll find another one you really like and you'll know what to do this time around.

[Zebrelle]

That's a nice story, Madison12. It's probably due to the lack of sleep, but it actually made me cry. I know there is someone better somewhere. Somehow, I just feel like it'll never happen. I kissed many frogs. I just hope I'll have the same luck as you soon. I'll try to stay positive, but it's not always easy. I need a few days to get over him. Perhaps I'll see clearer afterward and I'll be back to my happy self again.

[Zebrelle]

*sigh* Why is it that the men I send messages to on dating Website never reply back? This is frustrating!!! I get messages, but only from men I'm not really attracted to.

[Batya33]

I didn't know it for months but my profile was visible long after I became exclusive with my now husband - I couldn't access e-mail and I thought my profile was suspended but it wasn't . I was still signing on to see who my friends were dating or if my friends asked me to check out a guy for them (with my husband's blessing!) but I had no idea people could still see me and contact me. So, that could be a reason you're not hearing back. When I was on line I kept my initial email short -"I found your profile interesting and would enjoy being in contact" or something like that. I also made sure my profile had no "no" in it other than "no drugs" - it was all phrased in a positive way. I received many many compliments on the funny anecdotes as well as how direct I was about looking for marriage and children.

[Zebrelle]

Well, I'm on eHarmony and it states when they were last active. Seriously, I don't understand. When I'm on a date and I don't care to the point of not even being receptive, the guys always want to see me again. When I'm on a date and I care and asks questions because I'm genuinely interested, they don't want to see me again. * * * ! It's so weird. I still don't understand why the guy I had a date with last Wednesday wanted to see me again. I was so not making any efforts to keep the conversation on going. It was painfully obvious I just wanted to get the hell out. I guess you always want what you can't have, right!

[Madison12]

Zebrelle I had much better luck on Match than eHarmony. I didn't like that they matched me with people I would NEVER be attracted to or go out with.

 

And by the way - new guy is making me dinner tonight. It really is a simple matter of it being a numbers game. I went on a lot of dates before I met this one.

[calichick007]

Well, I'm on eHarmony and it states when they were last active. Seriously, I don't understand. When I'm on a date and I don't care to the point of not even being receptive, the guys always want to see me again. When I'm on a date and I care and asks questions because I'm genuinely interested, they don't want to see me again. * * * ! It's so weird. I still don't understand why the guy I had a date with last Wednesday wanted to see me again. I was so not making any efforts to keep the conversation on going. It was painfully obvious I just wanted to get the hell out. I guess you always want what you can't have, right!

 

It's not just you. I always say - the better I think a first date went, the more likely I'll never hear from him again. But if I'm dying to escape, there's a 99% chance he'll be asking me out for a second date before we make it out of the door. I can't deny that dating sucks a LOT of the time... but it really does only take one person, one meeting, one minute to change the game.

[waves]

wow....I didn't read ALL of this, but got alot of it I think.

If he contacts you, ignore him!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Once they realize you are gone, they sometimes rear their ugly heads....especially if alone.

Do not let him back in if you hear from him.

 

i can't believe he said he would marry both of you.....tacky.

[waves]

oh yea....as far as ego boosting, learn something new. Instead of dating, I learned to play a new musical instrument. My ego soared. And now I have a new way to meet men and have something new to talk about. But mainly, I love the way it makes me feel.

[chr8st8na]

I had the same issue as Batya. I had deactivated my acct but was still getting guys emails but I wasn't aware of it.

I think Match is probably the worst manipulator of all the dating sites!!! they were sued in a classsuit because they were making fake profiles (luckily for those poor guys, they got their $$ and a whole lot more back). Also the guy I am dating was working one night, because I dropped him off lunch (he forgot his lunch at home) and my friend texts me and say, "You know J* (referring to my guy) on right now!" I text her back "?" She text "on the dating site. because he's on my daily 5 matches." I txt back, "No he's not on because he's eating inside my car right now." She text back "then who is on?" So I asked him and he shows me his cell and says "My phone is here and it's off." So yea, I told him he need to cancel his subscription or else.... which he did. But that still bothered me because we would have had a huge fight if he had not been in the car with me.... If you use Match, just be careful. Lots of ppl who date online think its the Motherlode, but its also load of BS.

[Zebrelle]

Waves, I didn't hear from him since Friday. If he contacts me, I won't answer. I don't see why I would at this point. I don't want to be his back up plan anymore. I just wish I hadn't slept with him. It wasn't even good. It was actually the worse sex in my life. He really doesn't know what to do with his tongue, whether he's using it to kiss or to do something else. Oh, well... I won't miss that for sure.

 

Madison12, calichick007 and chr8st8na, I tried Match and I didn't like it. I honestly had more luck with eHarmony. (The two last guys I met were from another Website by the way. The same one. Maybe it's a sign...) Seriously, people on eHarmony seem more serious. Plus, more men contact me. I did have great dates with people from eHarmony. It didn't work out, but the dates were great anyway. I guess, like calichick007 said, it only takes one.

[Zebrelle]

I'm so down, guys. I just had a coffee date with someone from eHarmony. We exchanged messages since last Friday and decided to meet today. I had a good feeling about him, but I guess my feeling was wrong. He's cute, but... I don't know. He waited to meet before telling some things. He's on sick leave because he was in depression. He says he's going back to work soon. He doesn't have a car and doesn't even have his driving license. Anyway... I feel kind of depressed right now. It just makes me think of... Joel, the guy from this thread. I want someone like him, except I want someone who will actually want to be with me and will be interested in me. Why is it so hard to find?

[camus154]

Why are you putting so much effort and focus on finding a man? I get that you want to be happy with someone--don't we all--but you seem almost desperate to find a connection right now.

 

Take your time. Relax. It will come eventually. The more you go on online dates, the more you'll go into them expecting them to be failures because most often, they are. I tried online dating for a year and a half, went on many, many dates. Got discouraged, got sick of dating, went on a break from it. And then one night shortly thereafter, while at a pub with a friend not even wanting to socialize with others, this cute girl sitting next to me struck up a conversation and we've been dating ever since.

[calichick007]

Aren't you coming off of a pretty recent breakup? Why the big rush? These things take time, and as long as you are (1) afraid of being alone and (2) keep your self-worth tied to whether you're involved with someone, you'll keep ending up with the wrong people. It's hard not to feel desperate for that connection sometimes - I think all single people who don't want to be single are guilty of that sometimes. I know I am. But you have to get yourself into a mindframe where you'd rather wait (however long it takes) to find the *right* person, rather than to settle for a wrong one just to be able to say you're in a relationship. Also, try not getting so depressed when you have dates that don't work out. Most of them won't. I try to look at every crappy date as one less date I have to go on before I meet the right guy. Sometimes you have to force yourself to change your perspective.

[Batya33]

I'm so down, guys. I just had a coffee date with someone from eHarmony. We exchanged messages since last Friday and decided to meet today. I had a good feeling about him, but I guess my feeling was wrong. He's cute, but... I don't know. He waited to meet before telling some things. He's on sick leave because he was in depression. He says he's going back to work soon. He doesn't have a car and doesn't even have his driving license. Anyway... I feel kind of depressed right now. It just makes me think of... Joel, the guy from this thread. I want someone like him, except I want someone who will actually want to be with me and will be interested in me. Why is it so hard to find?

 

When I met people through on line sites (about 100) my expectation was that he'd show up at the time and place we decided on, that I'd have a pleasant enough time for about an hour, and that's it. No other expectations. Since I sometimes met more than one person in a day, it would have made no sense for me to react as you are and be all down about some stranger I had coffee with - I had to pick myself up, brush myself off and move on to the next.

[Zebrelle]

It's just that I'm always afraid I'll never find someone I like enough to be with ever again. I always feel like I won't get that chance again. Plus, I always feel like it's my fault if it didn't work out. * * * * , I can't believe he didn't even contact me this week. I really thought he would have contacted me... Not that it's important, but it just hurts even more. We went out once a week for a month and got intimate. It's not like nothing happened. It really hurts that he threw me away like that. I was nice enough to tell him "Have a good night and a happy birthday for tomorrow. See you later..." I just don't understand the point of telling me he was REALLY hesitating between me and this other girl when it was clearly not true. He's not hesitating at all. Otherwise, I would have heard from him by now. So, what was the point of him telling me all that and giving me hope for nothing? * * * * , I hate him!

[Zebrelle]

Update: I noticed he sent me a text last night. He said he took the week to think about things and he doesn't want to see me again. He said I'm a good person, but doesn't think it will work out. He said he is sorry to do that in a message.

[BrowneyedMan]

Just goes to show that he really wasn't worth it at all, and kind of proof that he was indeed a player. ..He got the sex out of it and gave close to nothing in return. (-What kind of personal standards are that ??!!!)

If anything, if I were you I'd feel somewhat bad about the 'mistake' I'd have made in sleeping with him so early on, and letting myself be fooled by someone like that. But then, forgive yourself, you were sincere in your intentions and clearly didn't anticipate this outcome. ..you didn't have the experience at the time, to tell whether he was a player, and your judgement was clouded by your attraction to him. NOW, you have the experience, learnt the hard way. ..we all learn things the hard way at certain times in our lives.

Don't mourn this guy though. Cause frankly, he was a wan and you're better off without him !!! So you lucked out in not being the chosen one !! All he was there for was to teach you a life lesson you needed to learn. -- I know it hurts longer, when you just had this inexplicable attraction for someone, but you WILL get over it in time and come out stronger.

 

And with regards to your current dating quest: listen to the others, and be easy on yourself. True luck is never found easily.

[BrowneyedMan]

Update: I noticed he sent me a text last night. He said he took the week to think about things and he doesn't want to see me again. He said I'm a good person, but doesn't think it will work out. He said he is sorry to do that in a message.

 

O.M.G. !!! What a tos:ser !!! Don't waste one more thought on him and move on, Zebrelle !!!!

[Zebrelle]

O.M.G. !!! What a tos:ser !!! Don't waste one more thought on him and move on, Zebrelle !!!!

 

I know I shouldn't, but it's hard. I'm so hurt right now. I don't even know what to think. It's like I can't decide if I should be mad, sad or indifferent. Was it okay for him to act this way with me? Is it my fault or his or both? I don't know. I just know it hurts really bad. I told him I wish we would have taken the time to REALLY get to know each other better because I consider we didn't take it. It's true he didn't really try to get to know me. I didn't feel he was that interested in me or in what I had to say. Plus, I wasn't fully myself and open to him because I wasn't sure if he was that interested. I was still kind of distance, especially after he told me he was also seeing someone else. If I had felt more on his side, I would have probably shown more of who I really am. It's just hard because I thought he was somewhat interested since he stated that he was REALLY hesitating between me and her.