Mercurial Girl Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Wasn't she asking for his help to HELP HER GET IN THE MOOD? Hence the back rub she asked for. And he didn't have the patience to do so. Threw a temper tantrum. I'd be LIVID if this were my boyfriend. Link to comment
annony Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 That analogy that keeps coming up has actually happened. I booked a babysitter, I did my hair nice, then I went to his place and he was "too grumpy" and we didn't end up going out. I was disappointed, but I also understood that given his situation he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself if we had gone out. Also, the arrangement wasn't just for him to come over and have sex... another major reason (other than we are in love and like to spend time together...) was that he was bringing me tools that I need to fix my kitchen cabinets. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 annony - if this is something he does on a regular basis, why are you with him? it sounds like he is selfish. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Honestly? I think you are over reacting, just a little. You BOTH were sending flirty, sex texts the night before and he said the next night when he came over, you guys could do all those things. You had a bad day though so you weren't up for it - fair enough. And he should have respected that, but see it from his POV. He didn't have a bad day, all he knew was he wanted you and that's what he was looking forward to. Doesn't mean he should have pushed but he was looking forward to being with you. You had a bad day - we all have them - but flip the coin, he didn't have a bad day. To him it was like walking into a bad lion's den. And the way you worded things came accross to ME as you were in the mood, you just needed to relax first.. not that you were 100% not in the mood but that you wanted help to get in the mood. Link to comment
annony Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 You're right! I did want help getting in the mood, and I wasn't totally opposed to having sex right from when he walked in the door, I just needed extra help. His tantrum KILLED it for me though. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 You're right! I did want help getting in the mood, and I wasn't totally opposed to having sex right from when he walked in the door, I just needed extra help. His tantrum KILLED it for me though. And I understand that, but maybe he didn't feel like putting in the extra umf? Doesn't make it right but it doesn't make him a douche bag either. Link to comment
annony Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 And I understand that, but maybe he didn't feel like putting in the extra umf? Doesn't make it right but it doesn't make him a douche bag either. I don't think that he's a douche bag, but I do know he's going to be mad at me still, which is why I'm worried about it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I don't think that he's a douche bag, but I do know he's going to be mad at me still, which is why I'm worried about it. What do you think the solution is? I think when you talk to him, you should maybe present a solution that would help avoid a fight next time. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I'd probably give it a couple of days and let the dust settle - and then try to have a calm discussion about it. Right now, he's angry, he's hurt, he's frustrated (and so are you) - not the best combination for any kind of compromise or discussion that would lead to a better understanding. When he's calmer, just tell him how you felt, ask him how he felt, and open up the opportunity for a healthy talk and any needed apologies for the miscommunication - which really, is what it comes down to - you guys weren't on the same page and got really frustrated and hurt, which led to the anger - when there was no understanding forthcoming. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I guess I would tell BF that I'm really sorry for the way I handled things, and if I could take it back and do it over, I'd have confided in him in a sympathetic way as soon as he arrived that I know I built up expectations of a really great sex night, and I'd appreciate it if he could be patient with me while I unwind from a really crappy day. I'd have asked him if he could hold off from any sexual advances until I can calm down, and I'd have assured him that I want to give it all I've got--does he understand this, and can he offer any suggestions? I'd apologize for having been tense, unresponsive and accusatory in my manner with him, and I'd ask him what I can do to make this up to him. Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Annony, forgive me if you've already said this. I read the whole thread, but very quickly. When he got there, did you only say that you had a bad day and needed to unwind, or did you also specifically tell him that you weren't in the mood for sex? If you only told him the former, then I can understand why he continued to make advances. Also, as someone who cries when I don't get sex when I am expecting it (even when it's not my partner's fault), I do see where he is coming from. When you're expecting sex, you've been waiting awhile for it, and you're excited because you know you'll get it soon, it's a huge disappointment when it doesn't happen. And if it doesn't happen because your partner doesn't want it, then it's also rejection. I think right now the best thing you can do is apologize for not being in the mood, and if he's a decent guy, he'll understand. And in future, is intercourse necessary for him? There are things that can be done to accommodate your partner when you're not in the mood that don't involve intercourse. Link to comment
april15 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 How could I better communicate though? If flat out telling him "I had a bad day and my back hurts and I'm not in the mood" wasn't enough? The day before is another issue to me, as I WAS in the mood then, but his meeting ran too late and he couldn't come over, neither of us foresaw that. To me 24 hours later is an unreasonable amount of time to expect me to still be horny. What else could I have done? Once you put the thought in his head, it was going to stay there until acted upon. As you can see by his trying again the next morning he is still worked up. You stoked his fire, find a way to put it out. Yes he could have been more sensitive, but he did try to give a little massage.... If I have my mind and emotions stimulated, they will stay stimulated for days. I can try to turn it off if the situation is not right but it is very difficult. Link to comment
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