BF and I had our first fight in a long time... about sex

[annony]

So the day before yesterday my bf was tied up in a meeting late, and couldn't come over. We were both feeling frisky, however, and were sending each other suggestive text messages throughout the evening. He told me that he was going to come over the next night after his meeting and we could do all those things we were texting about.

So the next day rolls around and for me, it's stressful. I was super busy, and super tired, and super stretched to my limit, and not in the mood at all. My muscles were totally tense and I was unable to relax and unwind when he came over.

He came over and was ready to jump my bones right from when he walked in the door, and I was so turned off by that. Sometimes I am ready to go right away, but I was in a bad mood after having a long day and I found his aggressive advances aggravating.

I went and took a hot shower to try and ease my tensed up muscles, but that didn't help. I tried having a glass of wine to unwind, but that didn't help.

While we were in bed together and he was trying to grope and fondle me all I could think about it how badly my back hurt.

So I asked him for a backrub. He groaned and sorta, kinda rubbed my back, then tried to grab my crotch. I pulled away, and he tried again, so I flat out told him "Look, I'm not turned on. I don't like being touched that way unless I'm in the mood, and I can't get in the mood if I can't relax"

I suggested that if he gave me a nice massage, I'd give him one after, which prompted him to throw a tantrum.

Apparently I was

A) Leading him on by sending him sexy texts the day before and then not putting out after he came to see me

B) Being selfish by demanding a massage in order to put out.

 

A)The way I see it, the day before was the day before, today is today.

B)I wasn't "demanding" a massage for the sake of a massage, I needed help to relax. If I'm not relaxed because I'm tense and in pain, how am I supposed to enjoy sex?

 

How would you weigh in on this?

[soul_soother]

I can see both sides relatively. My gf doesn't let me watch porn (we're in a LDR) and yet she won't send me videos of her self, I'm trying to convince her she has to supply if I can't yano? But I'd say I understand the whole being ridiculously ready to go and the whole massage thing gets annoying. On your stand point, if your not in the mood girl, your not in the mood. Theres not much to change that. If a guy can't honor that, then what will he honor later? Overall, I would have tossed out some better communication earlier when he first tossed off his aggressive oncomings.

[annony]

the reason I am asking for input is that I feel the fight is unresolved. Once he threw his tantrum I was so utterly and completely turned off that I just rolled over and went to sleep, and this morning he tried to initiate sex again before he left for another ridiculously early all day meeting. Due to my epilepsy, one of the best (I say best, but there's nothing good about it) times for me to have seizures is before I'm fully awake. If I'm in a fog, I'm prone to having a seizure, so if I'm going to have morning sex, I need to have enough time to wake up first, and I didn't have that this morning. So I have a feeling he left still angry with me.

[annony]

I can see both sides relatively. My gf doesn't let me watch porn (we're in a LDR) and yet she won't send me videos of her self, I'm trying to convince her she has to supply if I can't yano? But I'd say I understand the whole being ridiculously ready to go and the whole massage thing gets annoying. On your stand point, if your not in the mood girl, your not in the mood. Theres not much to change that. If a guy can't honor that, then what will he honor later? Overall, I would have tossed out some better communication earlier when he first tossed off his aggressive oncomings.

When he came over he didn't ask how my day was, or how I was feeling, he just assumed I would be in the same mood as I was almost 24 hours before.

I asked him how his day was, he said "Oh, fine." again, didn't ask about mine, just kept up his advances, so I said while pushing him away "Well that's good, my day was rough, and I'm tired"

Then there was at least two hours of me running around finishing chores, plus taking a shower where he kept trying and I kept resisting.

How he didn't get the message that I wasn't turned on I have no idea. I flat out told him in bed that I wasn't turned on too. o.0

[fromnywithlove]

I think you're being really unfair and childish about this. Why would he automatically assume that you had a bad day? It's weird that you texted him all day the day before riling him up, but you didn't say a peep about the bad day you were having the day after?

 

I think you two just need to open up the lines of communication. Honestly, I am in the camp that sometimes you need to suck it up and just have sex if it pleases your partner and they will return in kind some other time. Maybe I'm just a different person, but in a relationship, there is really nothing that can stop me from having sex. If I'm having an issue with my significant other, I can put that on hold for sex 9 times out of 10. Haha.

[annony]

I think you're being really unfair and childish about this. Why would he automatically assume that you had a bad day? It's weird that you texted him all day the day before riling him up, but you didn't say a peep about the bad day you were having the day after?

 

I think you two just need to open up the lines of communication. Honestly, I am in the camp that sometimes you need to suck it up and just have sex if it pleases your partner and they will return in kind some other time. Maybe I'm just a different person, but in a relationship, there is really nothing that can stop me from having sex. If I'm having an issue with my significant other, I can put that on hold for sex 9 times out of 10. Haha.

He wouldn't have to assume, because I TOLD HIM.

It is actually painful for me to have sex if I'm not turned on, so I won't do it.

[blackhawks1287]

Well all I can say is, at least do something for him...you cannot build a guy up like that and ignore him EXPECTING him to fulfill your needs after a long stressful day you had. All the while...you keep resisting...harboring resentment...making you more tense...teasing him more by not giving it to him...and this situation goes unresolved...

 

You need to talk about it...with him...it is not a matter of right, wrong, good, bad...just talk it out...try to resolve the issue instead of focusing who is in the right and wrong for not doing whatever and not picking up on whatever signs...

 

By the way...you don't have to have sex to get him off...you have other parts of your body...

[annie24]

eh, i see both sides. i can see how you weren't in the mood and i can see how he thinks you were a tease. imagine if he was telling you he's going to take you out on a fancy date, to the opera and a fancy dinner, so you get all dressed up, go to the salon to get your hair and nails done, and you get to his place, and he's sitting on the couch in his underwear and says he doesn't feel like going anymore. I mean, that would be mega disappointing.

 

so, i don't know - you could have gone along with it and maybe tried to enjoy it. he could have been more understanding of you having a bad day. did you tell him you had a bad day and needed to unwind?

[annony]

Plus, why would he assume that I was still in the mood 24 hours later?

[soul_soother]

Then it sounds like your man needs to learn how to receive those communications. A lot of times us guys think that those emotions for not wanting it are immediate and not long lasting (especially when we are really turned on). When your really turned on and he's not in the mood do you understand? Im guessing that doesn't happen much, but I know I can list a few times it has with me and usually I'm meet with grumpyness as well so. If your BF/SO isn't paying attention to your life, then maybe you should bring up that issue before bringing up the issue of your sex life. If he's not caring about your day and all he wants is sex, then I'm not sure how great of a relationship (or healthy) that is for you. If he's not understanding of the seizure situation, then your definitely with the wrong man.

[annony]

eh, i see both sides. i can see how you weren't in the mood and i can see how he thinks you were a tease. imagine if he was telling you he's going to take you out on a fancy date, to the opera and a fancy dinner, so you get all dressed up, go to the salon to get your hair and nails done, and you get to his place, and he's sitting on the couch in his underwear and says he doesn't feel like going anymore. I mean, that would be mega disappointing.

 

so, i don't know - you could have gone along with it and maybe tried to enjoy it. he could have been more understanding of you having a bad day. did you tell him you had a bad day and needed to unwind?

 

YES! I told him I was tense, and needed help relaxing... is one of my posts missing or something? lost of people seem to be missing this point o.0

[blueidealist24]

It sounds like he was too aggressive, but maybe you should have texted him before he came over and told him you were in a bad mood and therefore not in the mood. That being said, if he decided not to come over because he wasn't going to get sex, that would have been really rude. He should have given you the massage, too, it was a bit ridiculous of him to just expect you to rip off your pants with not much foreplay.

[annie24]

"I need help relaxing" can be seen as asking for sex as well. After all, that is the way many people relax!

[soul_soother]

Annie24 receives +5 analogy points..

[annony]

"I need help relaxing" can be seen as asking for sex as well. After all, that is the way many people relax!

I specified that I need to unwind before I can be turned on.

I can't be turned on if I am in pain.

I flat out told him this, then he had a tantrum.

[annie24]

So if I told you that he's in the wrong, he's a sex-crazed cad, and you need to dump his ass, you would do it?

[annony]

So if I told you that he's in the wrong, he's a sex-crazed cad, and you need to dump his ass, you would do it?

nope, just wondering what I should say next, I figure he's still going to be mad at me the next time I see him.

[annie24]

I think you both could probably work on communicating and meeting half way. The next time you send sexy texts he might be wondering, "is she for real, or will she have a headache by the time I come over?" I mean, maybe you could have tried and gone along with it and had sex that night, maybe you would have gotten into the mood as the night went along. He could have been more understanding and given you a back rub.

[soul_soother]

I notice in a lot of posts like this, the author asks for peoples opinions to see if their own actions were justified or advice for the future, and when given, completely only defend themselves... Just an observation. Gotta play devils advocate on both sides sometimes.

[annony]

I think you both could probably work on communicating and meeting half way. The next time you send sexy texts he might be wondering, "is she for real, or will she have a headache by the time I come over?" I mean, maybe you could have tried and gone along with it and had sex that night, maybe you would have gotten into the mood as the night went along. He could have been more understanding and given you a back rub.

How could I better communicate though? If flat out telling him "I had a bad day and my back hurts and I'm not in the mood" wasn't enough?

The day before is another issue to me, as I WAS in the mood then, but his meeting ran too late and he couldn't come over, neither of us foresaw that. To me 24 hours later is an unreasonable amount of time to expect me to still be horny.

What else could I have done?

[Mercurial Girl]

OP said it hurts physically to have sex when she isn't turned on. She shouldn't have gone ahead and done it anyway hoping to get into the mood later. ESPECIALLY knowing and communicating to him that there is PAIN in that. Who the hell would be okay with letting their partner be in pain and discomfort because they're horny?!

 

I'd be pretty PO'd if my boyfriend threw a hissy fit for not getting laid just because he walked in the door. It's not like they were texting back and forth an hour before he showed up and she decided to pull a 180 on him. Even if she did, stuff comes up, and I can't imagine someone being mad at me for not wanting sex right away - there are two people here.

 

She was clear about needing time to wind down. He was clear about not being willing to give her that time. He's the d-bag here. He obviously cared for nothing more than his own pleasure.

[Cadence44]

Then there was at least two hours of me running around finishing chores, plus taking a shower where he kept trying and I kept resisting.

 

I can see both sides of the argument as well, but that sentence above doesn't make sense to me. If he's finally over, able to spend time with you and wants to get intimate and you're running around doing chores when you could have been relaxing and getting in the mood with him... that would annoy me. Were they really things you had to do immediately? The way you describe it sounds like a little passive aggressive acting out.

 

Honestly, I think you both need to communicate with each other. Because of the conversation the day before you both knew it was implied that you'd have sex the next time you were together. I think your night could have ended differently if you'd let him know before he came over that you'd had a bad day and probably wouldn't be in the mood. That way his expectations could have been lowered and the whole argument could have been avoided.

[Honey Pumpkin]

How could I better communicate though? If flat out telling him "I had a bad day and my back hurts and I'm not in the mood" wasn't enough?

The day before is another issue to me, as I WAS in the mood then, but his meeting ran too late and he couldn't come over, neither of us foresaw that. To me 24 hours later is an unreasonable amount of time to expect me to still be horny.

What else could I have done?

 

You could have sent him a text beforehand - I see his point of view totally, to be honest. He'd been teased and turned on, and then when he gets there you tell him you're not in the mood. I would have given him oral sex, I guess, if I really wasn't in the mood for intercourse.

[annony]

yes they had to be done immediately. they were things that needed to be done so that I would have them in the morning.

[annie24]

She was clear about needing time to wind down. He was clear about not being willing to give her that time. He's the d-bag here. He obviously cared for nothing more than his own pleasure.

 

If that's the case, the she needs to dump him ASAP. However, the OP has said she isn't going to break up with her boyfriend over this.

 

Back to my analogy - if he promised her a night on the town, and she shows up in her evening gown and manicured nails, is she supposed to be suddenly ok with ordering in pizza and watching TV for the night? Is that fair to her? Wouldn't we be sitting here, calling him a big jerk if he did that to her??

 

I think in a relationship, there have to be compromises. Ok, if he isn't in the mood for a big night on the town, maybe they can skip the opera and just get dinner. If she isn't in the mood for full on sex, maybe she can give him a blow job. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

 

Maybe a text when he was on the way over would have been helpful to tell him, "hey - i'm not feeling well, i had a bad day, my back hurts, i'm not in the mood for sex right now."

 

Personally - I think she should apologize and tell her boyfriend she will try to be more clear about her mood. Hopefully that will lead to the boyfriend being more understanding next time.