I want to change my last name to be the same as my children

[tnmom66]

I am thinking of eliminating my middle name, making my current last name (name of my kids with my ex-husband) my "middle" name, and my "new" last name to be the same as my youngest child. She has her fathers last name and we are in a relationship but probably will not ever marry.

 

I worried a lot about the name issue before the child was born, but now that she is in preschool and will soon be in kindergarten, it really bothers me that her name is different. However, I don't want to lose the name I share with my older children.

 

I just don't think it is right that my child shares a name with her father, but not her mother.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this?

[Tanzi]

I am now divorced but have purposely kept my married name so that it is the same as my daughters'. I am now in a new relationship and although we have no plans to marry it has made me wonder what I would do if we were to marry as I would like to have the same name as my children. Have you thought about a double barelled surname for yourself. At least that way you could combine your children's surnames so part of your surname would match each of theirs.

[OptomisticGirl]

My mom uses her first married name (mine and my siblings last name) as her middle name and her second marriage name as her last. She still legally has her middle name but when it comes to things to do with my brother's schooling, she drops her real middle name and inserts his last name as her middle name.

[RedDress]

So... wait. You want to take the last name of your current lover (and father of your youngest child) even though you are not married? How does he (the father/lover) feel about it?

 

Here's what I'm seeing.

 

Your name is Becky Anna Jones

Your first two kids are Jones

You want to be Becky Jones Smith

Your youngest child is Smith

Your current lover is Smith

But you are not marrying Smith

 

Is that right? (Obviously with different names)

[sadchick83]

I think this is odd and has more of a stigma than just leaving your names as they are.

 

My best friend growing up just had a kid with a guy. At this reunion she was wearing a ring and call him her husband. The next day when she emailed me. I laughed and told her I could never think of her as anything else but her "growing up" name.

 

Funny, she said the same thing as you, OP..."I want to have the same last name as my kid."

 

It turns out they are not married. Now, I think that is freaky. A woman takes on the last name of the man who fathered her child? Without being married? Maybe he should change his name to your's?

 

I liken it to women who wear fake Gucci purses. They just want the label. Are appearances so important you want to make it "look" like you are married? Funny, my brother is married and the kids took his name and it doesn't bother her in the least...I guess it's because she is actually married.

 

I don't think kids in schools or teachers really care anymore. Names don't match and that's just how it is. Changing the name to camouflage not being married is way weirder.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think it has anything to do with giving the pretense of being 'married but not married'. My best friend's mother got married and had my best friend with her first husband, divorced, remarried, and then divorced again. After her second divorce she changed her name BACK to her first married name because she didn't want her child to feel alienated with a different last name than her mom. Kids need structure, who is to judge how a parent gives that structuce?

 

I actually commend the OP and her SO for knowing they may never marry - at least they aren't doing THAT just to have the same last night.

[lavenderdove]

Legally you can call yourself anything you please as long as you are not changing your name for fraudulent purposes or to avoid arrest/prosecution for a crime.

 

So of course you can change your name, but really, a name is just a name. I would feel awkward trying to take the name of someone who didn't marry me or didn't want to (or whom I didn't want to marry). If you are independent enough not to marry, then why take his name?

 

You could always change your daughters name to hyphenate it with your name=father's name and that would solve the problem. Or if you really want the name change, just do it, and hyphenate your other children's last hame-youngest child's name so you carry them both.

 

But regardless, your daugther will be fine whatever you call yourself.

[tnmom66]

 

But regardless, your daugther will be fine whatever you call yourself.

 

Yes, I'm sure she'll be fine, and there are plenty of people who don't make an issue out of it.

 

But I think I'll just be more comfortable hyphenating my older children's last name and my little one's last name, and then when my older kids get married/out of the house, I might drop their last name. Or not....

 

I haven't run this by the little one's father. He knows I stressed out over the name thing before. I don't know why he would object. He wanted her name to be his, since he was the father, and he didn't want it hyphenated. But I'm her mother and I want her name to be mine.

 

It is odd, I know, but it is a good thing that people have the freedom to do the "unconventional" if it suits them.

[Tanzi]

I don't think it is odd at all to want to have the same surname as your child/children. It avoids confusion for a start at school. However I'm not sure I would take the surname of someone I'm not married to. I would probably hyphenate my children's surnames whilst they were at school (at least in their younger years). Having said that I agree that it doesn't truly need to be an issue and there really is no reason for her to feel alienated.

 

My friend divorced, met someone else, had a child with him then split up. As things stand the child she had with him has a different surname to the rest of the family. Apart from the odd confusion here and there and the mum having to go out of her way a few times to prove she was the mother it hasn't affected the child all.

[Seraphim]

These days it is no big issue to have a different name than your children. I had a different last name than my mother when I was a kid because she had remarried. In the 70's in a small town that was ODD and I was made fun of for having divorced parents. Now, people are astounded my husband and son and I have the SAME last name. Every government office or service, hospital, you name it, they ask you if you have the same name as your spouse because they know many many people don't. They also ask if your kids have the same name.

 

If you want to do it, sure you can, no one can stop you, but it is not a big deal anymore really, your daughter won't face many questions.

[Tanzi]

Now, people are astounded my husband and son and I have the SAME last name. .

 

And people are equally shocked that my three children all have the same father! maybe its because I 'm not married to their father (anymore), maybe its because the oldest and youngest are 10 years spart. I really don't know but it seems to surprise people.