Is it normal to push one's closest loved one away while grieving?

[mhowe]

Telling him that what he is feeling isn't "right" isn't helpful to him --- "attacking him".

 

Try, when you are talking, to mirror and not judge...."I understand that losing your dad has made you wary of feeling close to other people". "It must be hard".

 

If you have read this thread --- many posters will tell you that as the SO --- the only thing you can do is "be there" WHEN they want you. Right now, it isn't about the relationship. And getting your "old boyfriend" back----he doesn't exist right now.

 

He shouldn't be making rash decisions --- but you cannot stop him. I doubt he will be headed to Germany, but I think he really just wants to be alone right now.

He is numb.

[bryce2102]

Hi Dinosaur,

 

Seems like you really love this girl. But the fact is she broke up with you, and your girl probably isn't in any shape to continue in a relationship. If you are going to be there for her to overcome it, then it's best not to have expectations of getting back together. If not you will be the one feeling disappointed at the end of it. Each person griefs differently and for different lengths of time.

 

How did the counselling go?

 

Hi melspi,

 

Your boyfriend is going through a difficult moment, and he isn't thinking rationally. By my experience, if someone tells me to think rationally, I will shut off that person. (Even if they are right) He will take time to recover, and being there for him is possibly the best you can do for him. Try not to 'aggravate' him by telling him to look on the bright side, everyone heals at their own pace. Give him time to sort things out on his own, if he truly cares for you then he will want to step out of his grief.

[dinosaur]

Hi Dinosaur,

 

Seems like you really love this girl. But the fact is she broke up with you, and your girl probably isn't in any shape to continue in a relationship. If you are going to be there for her to overcome it, then it's best not to have expectations of getting back together. If not you will be the one feeling disappointed at the end of it. Each person griefs differently and for different lengths of time.

 

How did the counselling go?

 

hi bryce, tks for the reply.

 

well, she said she felt stressed going thru the counselling and often teared or cry when we go into details with the counselor. i was wondering why did she suddenly choose to broke up because there wasnt any trigger (we have not seen the counselor for more than a month, though i did ask her if she wanted to go in late july/early august which we had a tentative appointment). Moreover the week before we were still thinking of going for a short trip and she offered to apply leave from work (she is usually very stingy over taking her precious leave). my guess was that she 2 days before the breakup, she met her university friends and probably they did ask when was she going to get married and stuff.

 

yup. obviously i loved her alot. i just met her last week for dinner and was quite ok. just that we were friends not lovers. i didnt really have the super lost feeling or super sad as compared to the march breakup, though i still hope for one last chance to try again. afterall, she is a great girl and had all the qualities which i had. i did think through about why i want the relationship back. i want her back not because i miss her or just want her, i genuinely think that we would be happy tgt as we have the similar thinking, values and upbringing.

 

as of now, i just hope that she realised her dad would never blame us for what happen and then a chance for us to restart this relationship....

[chiboi15]

I've been looking for somewhere to jump in on this topic; as I'm in this club too and have been just completely heartbroken the last couple of months; for clarification I'm a gay male and this involves a guy I just totally fell hook line and sinker for.

 

I met these two guys the Sunday this summer a week before the Pride Parade. Before I even know it, the very first words out of my mouth are, "Are you guys boyfriends?" They both laugh, and say no, we're just really close friends; basically bffs. So, I talk with them for a while, and end up asking one of them out. The other guy travels all the time so he leaves town. We go on a first date Thursday. It goes well. So Friday night I bring him out with all of my friends. It went BEYOND extraordinarily well. We end up sleeping together and are both just completely into each other. Literally the VERY NEXT DAY the bff dies in a freak accident!! 25 years old. Perfectly healthy, in the prime of his life. Right in the middle of pride weekend! I mean, what are you supposed to do?

 

So, a couple of weeks pass; the guy who's alive texts me at 2AM on a Saturday night. He's completely devastated. The next night, he comes over, stays the night, and is just a total mess. Then a couple of weeks later, he gets a real arrogant tone with me, and tells me he now has a boyfriend!? Which I don't know whether that's actually true or not but I'm obviously taking him at his word and trying to move on, which for me is tough because I love him. I chose not to confront him about it; all I did was just as calmly and as softly and with as much love as I could possibly put in my tone of voice ask him "Are you happy?" And he couldn't answer the question. Deep down however I think he really does have strong feelings for me, but his emotions are always going to link me with his bff and his sudden and tragic death.

 

I mean, what type of world is it where you meet somebody completely amazing, and within a week, his bff, who you were the last person he hung out alive with, and who told him to go out with you, suddenly dies!!?

[dinosaur]

hi, anyone with similar experience manage to get back with their ex?

[guanyu4u]

Sounds like he is going through a deep depression that might need medical help. U have to check if he is routine and work life changed drastically as his relationship with u. Do u have both mutual friends? Did u try make them check on him? Did he even continuing having the same circle of friends or changed it or does he contact anyone at all?

 

From ur part, u done normal any loving gf would do towards him and it seems that u still care for him deeply but I think if u think that the relationship or the person is worthy u can ask professional advice from a consultant or a therapist and might even demand from him a proper closure or at least for him to try and seek professional help with u. For some these could be invasion of privacy but personally I would try to make sure if that what he really wants, if this feeling was with him since a while or just appeared because of his mother passing, if there is a third party involved?

 

How long u had been with him?

[whyxwhy]

I understand what your going thru my mother died like almost two years ago and my lifes been like a living hell. Me and my brother dont get along period. he loss his mind. Maybe he didnt want to put your thru the personal hell he's going thru. people chance and sometime its not for the better i changed. the way he did it was wrong but you got to give him his space. and move on with your life.

[jimmyginger87]

Ive heard that everyone grieves differently. It would benefit you and or him to take up a diciplined intense zen meditation practice.

[dinosaur]

my original post is on #73.

 

have been in NC since mid october. it has been one month. thanks to other threads on this forum regarding NC and healing. doing well, dont feel the pain but yet still misses her dearly.

 

next week is her dad's 5th year death anniversary. any advice or recommendation?

[mhowe]

There is no cause to "remember" the date of death, at least in my book. The family knows...it need not be acknowledged by others. Not a reason to break NC.

[dinosaur]

given the fact that while the past years i had always wanted to accompany her to visit her dad's grave on special occasions, i didn't because i had never brought up the topic of her father's passing (she had always been elusive and didnt seem to want to talk about it) when we were together.

 

thought of dropping a message or dropping by to visit next week but don't know how to do it.

 

well, part of me still want to get her back even though i know i can live my life without her. Ultimately im not able to understand that she losing 2 important men of her life to this.

 

thanks for your reply, mhowe. anyone else with similar situation keen to share and advise?

[lavenderdove]

There may be a public face to grief that is handled in funerals and memorials etc., but grief itself is such a private and personal journey and everyone handles it differently.

 

It can be such an intense blow that the grieving person literally has nothing left to give anyone else because they are so consumed with the pain of their grief. And it is very common for people to either cling to others and obsess about the loss and want to go over and over it wtih those around them, or the reverse, to take the 'wounded animal' approach where they just turn inward and want to go off and lick their wounds alone until they feel better.

 

So you need to try to be sensitive to what she feels like she needs here. Offer to be there for her, but don't push or demand that she be there for you while he is going thru grief. Grief takes its own time, and he will eventually come out of it, but your chances are better if you try to not demand she be/act any different than she what she feels she can handle right now.

[Nellsie85]

I hope I'm not too late to jump on this thread either. I think it was a miracle finding it yesterday and is helping me read everyone's similar situations.

I find that there seems to be a very strong pattern with each of these posts that no matter what we do (as the supporter of our partner during their loss) there is nothing we can do but to be a rock and continue on with life without them and hope that they will feel the same again, that everything will go back to normal and soon. Reality is it will take years.

 

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me yesterday. He is British, I am Australian and we met travelling. I've lived with him and his mum in England and he's lived in Aus with my family. Whilst living here, his Mum suddenly got sick and died. He already lost his Dad when he was ten so he has no parents and is 26. We have never had any fights and people's comments about us was that we were born to be together.

Out of no where he pulled the pin. He hasn't been himself since finding out his Mum was sick, and now that she's died he's a different person. he just gives me small talk (daily) and he is disconnected from me. He flew home in time to say goodbye to her. That was 3 months ago and we've been doing long distance since.

I guess I have realised were at different stages of our life, I'm 29 and am ready to settle and start a family and he's 26 and has just left home (before this happened) he was wanting to do lots of travel (which I've already done) he lives on the other side of the world and my heart lives in Australia. He said when he was breaking up with me that he never expected this would happen and he's sorry and that his heart isn't set on Australia.

I just need help to know if I should seek therapy and try to get over him or take the risk of flying over there (to England) without his approval to hold his hand through his anxiety and depression and be there for him?

[Soul man 82]

Hello everyone. I'm wondering how everyone's situations turned out in the end? Seems like there's so many of you who great partners and were shut out due to bad circumstances. It's truly heartbreaking to see all the pain everyone's gone through. Its so touching to see that so many of you tried to be there for the person after they broke things off with you.

[Gentleromantic]

Miri,your ex's behavior sounds weird. Ok , shutting you out is one thing, but then breaking up with you and then getting over it and acting normal is another. Just don't blame urself. Sometimes some people just do things that we can never understand. Hopefully one day he himself will be able to understand how wrong he was for doing what he did to you.

[msamy]

Thank you Miri and everyone for your posts! I have been searching for understanding and outlets to deal with my pain and reading everyone's experiences brings me some comfort that we all go through this.

 

 

My story which I would like to share. A little background on me I have never experienced a close family member or person dying. I was pretty shelter from social experiences when I was growing up. I was diagnose with depression when I was in high school where I took it to the extreme. I know that helpless feeling. Feelings of no one understanding how much pain you are in.

When I met my boyfriend for him it was love at first sight. I fell for him a week after we started dating. 3 months later we move in together. My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years proposed to me on our 5 year anniversary dec 6, 2013. It was a wonderful and special time. He was unlike anyone I have met. We definitely were not perfect in anyway we had our many ups and downs, but I fell in love with this person and our love just grew as time passed. He is very close to his parents and siblings and they all liked me. We set the date for sep 27, 2014. From the very beginning when he first met me he told me I was the one and he never cared so much for someone the way he felt about me. I am the more sensible one so I wanted it to be the right time. Boy was it the right time then. Then in February his father died of a heart attack. Leaving everyone and his wife behind. It's been an emotional roller coaster. His parents had maintained a wonderful marriage which inspired me and I felt really lucky to be around really great people his family. His fathers death affected everyone. I had asked him if he wanted to postpone the wedding during the days of the funeral but he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. A month before the wedding he asked me if we can postpone the wedding in a text. We never discus important stuff through text. He said he didn't think he could be happy on our wedding day dealing with his fathers death was overwhelming. He said he wanted to be in a better place when he got married. I completely overreacted irrationally. I gave him an ultimatum which was wrong of me. I realized a few days later asking myself why would I abandon someone that I love when he needs me the most?

 

Our relationship is a strong one it took awhile to build it that way. I always appreciated how we could talk and work things out. I did a lot of apologizing and making sure he knew how I felt without being overbearing. He apologized to me but I could tell he did not want to deal with what was going on. He told me he had reached a point. He couldn't handle dealing with everything. He had really thought about what he needed to do and told me his goals were to focus on work, get counseling and move out. I didn't realize how much of an emotional support he was being to his mom and his brother on top of dealing with himself and getting married. So it was easier for him to cut me out and not deal with me. I completely understood that and it hurt. It hurt to the point I was have anxiety attacks and just not wanting to eat anything. He told me he was becoming destructive and it was easier to push the closest people away. Except his family. I was just totally shocked by that because we were about to be family. I was going to be his wife. I have been here for him. The month of August was the worse month ever. He decided he needed to move out. I caught him in two lies about his ex girlfriend who just happened to move back to town. He had planned to find a place with her. He was abusing alcohol. It took one of our close friends to snap him out of that decision. Our friend had asked why are you trying to add more drama to your life? It was very difficult because this was not him at all. He was getting all sorts of advice good or bad from his friends and I could tell how confused and lost he is. But there is nothing I can do. I sent him an e-mail one day saying I was not going to stand in his way of moving out. I needed to let him go and sort this out on his own. When I got home that day from work I told him how much I love him and we need to get to a better place. Staying together was something that we agreed on for when he needs some support and I will not be a needy girlfriend.

 

I pick and choose what days I try to talk to him about different things. Even when it's driving me crazy. I had to sort through a lot of things and figure out what my battles were going to be. He has good days and he has bad days. On his good days I would asked him are you having a good day today? Then I only had one question to ask him. The question was never to upset him more. This one particular day I asked him are you still seeing your ex? He was seeing her platonically but he doesn't see her anymore now and he only talks to her when she texts him. I have been paying attention he was sincere and I wasn't getting vibes or gut feelings making me feel like something was off. So this must be a good sign. This might be weird but before all this we had promised each other that if ever we wanted to see someone else we would break up I hate cheaters and he hates cheaters so why be one. I have been able to talk to him about him being destructive. He realized he caused more pain bringing his ex around and he was drinking too much. I simply said why are you taking the easy way out? What you are going through isn't suppose to be easy. He agreed.

 

He moved out. It's hard because he doesn't want to cut me out of his life completely but he can't be around me all the time either. I don't know what future we will have. I have come to terms with living each day to the next and finding things to fill my time. I hope with time he can get in a better place. I talk to so many people at my job and some have shared their stories of their loved ones passing away it has helped me to understand all this better. This hurts so much and it sucks. Being positive has been really important. I feel the goal is to want to be happy again and that takes time. Just trying not to give up. Like one of my clients told me I have unfinished business. For now move on and do things that make you happy no matter how small or ridiculous it may be. Do it for yourself.

[ragazza]

Well, it's oddly comforting to find this thread. Pretty much the same story as people here, except I helped touch off the crisis. Or maybe it would have happened anyway. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We had a good relationship but I was wanting more commitment from him, as we women do, sigh. His mom has terminal cancer, although as of a month ago she was still living a normal life--not in the hospital or anything. Well for some reason I brought up us moving in together again--he was always reluctant about this. Turns out I stepped on a bomb. I was expecting his usual answer or delaying--we joked about getting married so I didn't think it was a big deal. Anyway, he told me all this new stuff--that the only reason to get married was to have kids, and if we got married he would never have a family! I don't want kids (we are both in our mid-40s) and believe me, he has never professed a strong desire to have them and has certainly not lived a lifestyle that would suggest that was a life goal. Of course after the fact I could understand why he would be thinking that, with his mom dying. Anyway, I did exactly what you are NOT supposed to do when a guy tells you his feelings, which was to get really upset and say crazy stuff that suggests you can't live without him. Not proud of that but I have abandonment issues of my own thanks to an alcoholic absent father and my own mother died when I was 16.

 

Anyway, I apologized and calmed down the next day. He seemed OK, a bit drained, said he was OK and told me he loved me, etc. Well, I texted him later that week apologizing again, and he texted back "We'll talk. Life is confusing." SO I freaked out and called him, but he didn't answer. I texted that I would give him some space. We didn't communicate at all for two weeks--which was excruciating. Finally I texted "are you OK?" and he immediately texted back that his grandmother had died. She was about 90 and in failing health, so not a surprise. But it added to his stresses, for sure. So I expressed my condolences and he said he was fine, just doing some work on his house, etc. I didn't want to push it so I said let me know if he needed anything. He said "I will." I was initially so happy that he responded instantly that I didn't realize that, duh, he didn't bother to tell me his grandmother, who he had just brought me to meet about a month before, had died.

 

So another two weeks go by. I left him a voicemail just two days ago, very kind, just saying I knew he was having a hard time, and apologies if I was calling at a bad time, but obviously I didn't know what was going on. I said it was hard to be in limbo, and could he just tell me if he needed more time, or if he wanted to break up but was afraid to do it. I gave him an out! And NOTHING.

 

This is a month now. It's so painful, as others have said. My friends and family are totally disgusted with his behavior. I was going to just passively break up with him this weekend if he didn't respond by changing our Facebook status and deleting all our photos, but then a friend, who has suffered depression issues, suggested he might be depressed. I really think that might be it. SO many of the things people have said here are the same--he is like a different person, he seems so cold, etc. Except that he refuses to communicate at all. It sounds like this often happens with men especially--that their brains literally get overloaded and they just shut off.

 

Some sites say to check in occasionally with light texts etc and others say just to leave him alone, so I'm not sure what to do. I know this could take months and I just don't know if I can or should wait that long. It's very hard for me to move on with my life while we are not officially broken up. My friend says that breaking up with him could hurt him more. She said she was aware she was acting badly when she was depressed but couldn't help it. And I don't want to be the woman who broke up with someone while his mother was dying. But I can't be sure he will even inform me when she does!

 

I almost wish HE would break up with ME. It would be so much easier.

[mhowe]

Accept that you are, in fact, broken up. You are in your 40's --- not your teens. What his FB status is, etc. matters not.

 

You haven't seen him in a month. Life is going on. Don't put yours on hold.

 

You don't have to call and tell him. You aren't going to be going out dating any day now. So, stop contacting him and just get on with your life.

You can deal with the "details" later.

[Chickster]

@ragazza...Unfortunately, I agree with mhowe. I also experienced what you did, in the sense that at first I didn't hear from him a week. I was concerned, and tried hard to think positively and shook it off. Then it became 2 weeks, and I was beside myself...didn't know what to do, because I didn't want to push him, but I felt like something was wrong. I also tried to look on the internet for how to handle this, talked to friends, and also became confused what to do: Leave him alone as he requested (5 weeks ago, he asked for space and time to grieve, as he couldn't focus on me or us at the same time), or do I send him occasional messages just to check in on him and offer my support and remind him I'm here if he needs? It has been 5 weeks since our last contact. Not for lack of trying. He just stopped responding to my texts and calls, though I've tried. All during this time, I've kept searching on the internet for answers and talking to friends. Most of the information that I saw pointed to what mhhowe described pretty succinctly. It has been the most difficult thing to go through. And very difficult to accept. But the reality is, I started grieving for my relationship and preparing myself for moving on, even though everything in my being said I didn't want to and I wasn't ready to let him go. How could I let this love go? The love that gave us both joy? But everything I read, or heard from my male friends said... was to leave him alone...respect that he likely needs to find his way to cope and let him to grieve in the way he needs to...focus on me...focus on my life...and prepare to move on. There is all indication there is a chance he will be a changed person, and I must prepare myself for this possibility. So since I don't know how much time he will need, or even if he will be the same person, I need to be good to myself... and prepare for moving on. The past few weeks have been me grieving...sobbed so much from my gut, gut wrenching tears. Feeling like no one understands this pain, except for maybe people who've gone through this. I haven't been able to sleep well the last 5 weeks. Last night I was able to sleep decently, which says to me that my mind is calming...and maybe I'm on my way to ending my grieving and preparing myself for moving on. God knows I don't want to. But I leave it in God's hands... if or when at some point in the future, he and I meet and we get together again, we will be blessed. If not, then there is a reason... only time will tell. In the meantime, we have our lives to live... we need to live it...not in pain, and not in vain attempt to hang on to the past. But because we have the present to live. It's not to say I'm trying to forget. I'm just trying to find peace in my mind, and love in my heart for myself, and for him. Because there really is nothing I can do except respect his wishes and let him grieve, and let him come to me if/when he is ready. It really means letting go and having faith that things will work out for us as they should, but more importantly...living in the present, and trying to feel again. Going through grieving for a relationship that didn't quite have closure, I have not been able to feel happy...I've been numb to feeling really. I owe it to myself that in this 'meantime', I need to keep living life... As they say, if you love someone, set him free...if he comes back he's yours...if he doesn't then it's not meant to be. So in the meantime, I need to keep living life. So, cherish the love you had...but let him be...live your life....don't put your life on hold. So, at this point, 5 weeks later, with no contact, I still cry, and I sob, but not like I did before. I'm making an effort to take one step after the other, knowing he is not in my life, and has not been in these past 5 weeks. These forums have helped tremendously and so thankful for them. I've found comfort knowing I'm not alone, and also a greater compassion for a man I love, going through much more undescribable pain and confusion than I could know right now. Things don't make sense still. I don't have answers. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't see him in my mind's eye, not a day that thoughts don't make me sad or make me cry. But I know this is all part of grieving, because I'm grieving my own loss of a love. I haven't been able to think of much else, going through things and words over and over in my mind. No wonder I've had trouble sleeping. At this point, 5 weeks later, all I can say is that it's starting to hurt less and I'm crying less, and I'm starting to feel like I may be able to let go soon... The cliches seem to apply: Things will get better in time if you let it...

[mhowe]

I split with my bf when dealing with the diagnosis and rapid death of my mother (Sept-Jun). Then I had to grieve. I had very limited contact with him --- and he gave me the space I needed. We got back together in June (of last year).

 

And I will say --- if he had been calling to "remind me he was there for me" ---- it wouldn't have made ME feel good.

[HeWhoIs]

There seems to be numerous reactions to grief - these reactions are unpredictable, and often the grievers' partner will be surprised and confused.

 

I found an eerily familiar description of my life right now in a novel called, The Deep End of the Ocean. Here's a section from the Publisher's Weekly review:

 

"When three-year-old Ben Cappadora is abducted from a crowded Chicago hotel lobby where his mother, Beth, has taken him and his two siblings for her 15th high-school reunion, Beth's slow-motion nightmare is just the beginning of nine years of anguish about his fate. Beth retreats into an emotionless, fugue-like state, in which she neglects her surviving two children-oldest child Vincent and a baby daughter, Kerry-and seals herself off from her husband, Pat, the manager of a family restaurant near their home in Madison, Wisc."

 

***

 

This may be a novel, but the author obviously drew on some real-life stories of grieving when she wrote this.

 

We lost our 13-year-old to an accident 3 years ago (followed by a flood 4 weeks later, if you can believe that). Our relationship became immediately strained, and 5 months ago, my wife handed me divorce papers, spent 15 minutes telling our two kids (college age, one living with me and commuting) that she was leaving and would never return to the area, and moved 5 hours away with her family. She's pretty much cut off her kids since then, speaking to them only when they call her; both have felt abandoned, and are angered at her. Both kids were already traumatized by the loss of their sister. My son spoke to his mother for the first time two weeks ago; my daughter, who has just started college, has spoken to her only three times, and only once since September.

 

***

 

For those asking what is normal and what to do, I don't know if there is an easy answer. Some relationships make it past a death and some don't. Some people need time to process the finality. Some people will be changed forever (every parent who loses a child will be changed forever).

 

Best of luck to all.

[hopeful4545]

Hi, reading these posts has been very painful in ways, yet helpful too. And yes, I felt like the only one going through this too.

My story- My fiance and I have been together for over two years, live together for most of that time. She and I got along wonderfully, both admitted we have never loved another so much. In november we had to leave the house we were renting and rent another. Since we have moved she has been depressed, saying she misses old house, doesnt like new one, difficulty with family - mom, step sisters, her teenage daughter etc., and the upcoming holidays. We got through the holidays ok with a few bumps, things were getting better, then one day in mid Febuary we were arguing about communication and she said "i think were done". I tried to talk about stuff and pushed too hard which made her mad and she let me know that she needed time and space. I finally honored her wishes and sought a counselor. The time and space worked and she liked that i was seeing a counselor to address my issues. By the end of March she was coming to me and saying she missed me and wanted to figure out how we get back together. We were taking it slow and building the friendship back and enjoying each others company. Well the first week of April her mom passed. She and mom were not close, and had some big issues. for four days she was grieving with me and talking about her trip (had to go to arizona to deal with everything as she was only kin). The night before she left she slept in our bed for the first time since the end of Feb. (shes been on couch-her choice as I said I would) As bad as moms passing was I thought it might bring us closer together. She was in AZ for a week and as the week went on her contact trailed off. Sunday when she came back I went to her her and she gave me a quick pat on the back and walked away. The next couple of days she would talk about everything she was going through (found out mom basically drank herself to death) but was also a little cold and distant. After she had been back for a week, and getting this advice from counselor, I brought up the topic of 'us' and she got really mad, yelled at me and called me selfish. She later texted me from work and apologized, said she feels im missing a golden opportunity to be supportive and selfless. I told her that I was sorry for bringing it up and want to be supportive of her, but said my actions were brought about by fear of losing her. She got even madder and said im still talking about myself and "i dont have to fear losing her, shes gone and shes not coming back". This is now end of April.

I'm sorry for the long post but am really worried. I am really trying to give her space now, and dont mean to sound unsympathetic, I cant imagine all shes going through and told her I am here for her and wont stress her out with talk of 'us'. We say hi and bye, we talk about work a little and some stuff about her mom. Our lease is up in Oct. and I am very worried she might want to move on. I dont know how or when to talk to her and how much space to give her as we do live together. Please, some advice, opinion or help would be very much appreciated.

[mhowe]

The relationship was already on the rocks. And the reconciliation was barely started. I don't see that there is anything to do bit act as though you are housemates. She will be grieving theother she never had, the mother she did have and all of those emotions right now are a toxic stew. I would do everything in my power to remain out of the line of fire.

[hopeful4545]

Thank you mhowe! Wish I would have heard that advise earlier. If I could ask more, what does staying out of the line of fire look like? I want her to know I care and want to support her but don't want to just walk around like I don't care. Looking for that middle ground I guess? Bring her coffee?, ask how her day was?, can I make you something to eat? Let her know where I'm going? -or more like don't speak unless spoken to? I'm a mess right now obviously, over thinking and analyzing everything, wishing I could bring her some comfort and support.

Thanks again! Your words made me feel alot better.

[mhowe]

Don't make this about you. You want to offer comfort and support. She doesn't want it.

 

If you are making coffee or tea for yourself...ask her if she wants one. If you are going out, ask her if she wants you to pick up anything.

 

Don't keep "offering" anything. Include her but don't be offended if she says no. Don't keep aski g questions. As you live together...do your normal routine or may e a few more chores. Don't do it for the praise...don t point it out.

 

I could barely make it through the day. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my bf hovering lime a hummingbird. As I said...it was no the before we even really connected. Yet everyone grieves differently. Take your cue from her.