kb821

Hey Pollara, Its true that he doesn't want to be around anyone, even his family. He has put in to be transferred with his work so that he can be in another state and not have to see or talk to anyone. Even though I know it is not just me that he doesn't want to talk to, the difference is, he did not tell his family that he never wants to speak to them again, just me. Even as he was writing cold text messages to me, saying that I was already taking up too much of his time when I told him I wasn't going to come to see him anymore, he wrote that he thinks he doesn't deserve anyone anymore anyway and that he has given up on happiness. I'm glad that your boyfriend said that he would seek help if he thought he needed it, I think that's important and at least you know he will one day be ok. I know my ex thinks that he has to do this alone and won't ask anyone for help (even though he clearly needs it). Its not my place now to say that though, so he or his family will have to put that forward as a suggestion. I guess you are right and there are probably more things going on in his head, maybe guilt, regret, sadness and the rest, I have no idea. I just think that he can't imagine life now without his brother in it and can't imagine the idea that he could ever be happy again (maybe he feels guilty to feel happiness when his brother no longer can and won't get to see his daughter grow up... I know its hard for him to even look at his niece as he sees his brother in her). Its so frustrating though, because all I want to do is see him and be there for him. I know I can't do anything, for one I am in another country, so I won't see him and as well now he has stopped all contact and won't return a message. I have apologised for things I have said to him over the last few weeks in my upset state, but I feel like something is missing.... Your boyfriend seems like he just doesn't want you to have to wait for him in case his grieving takes a long time..But unfortunately for me, I think my ex feels that he will feel like this forever. To be honest I know there is nothing I can do, he told me he has shut me out of his life, so the only thing I can do is to keep living my life. I just wish it was that simple Your message the other day about being in a long term relationship before and breaking up, however this relationship feels different and hurts much more than the last is so true. I have never felt so hurt or sad in my life, I have had previous break up's too (of a 4 year relationship), and I have even lost people in my life, but this feels different, I feel like I have lost part of myself ( I know that sounds ridiculous, but its how I feel).... I just wish time would hurry up so that I would forget. Hope your ok Pollara...

Thank you for your response Bryce2102. I'm sorry that you are also hurting from the other side of the situation. Having regret in your heart is very hard, I am regretting a lot of things I have said recently too since we broke up.... I understand that the person who is grieving can't focus properly on other peoples feelings, he told me himself he doesn't want anyone to depend on anyone or anyone to depend on him. He wants to work and move up in his career, where he said he can be around people that don't care about him and he doesn't care about (Doesn't make me feel better though, especially that since then he has said more things that are cruel to me).. And I also don't believe my ex really wanted to hurt me, but at the same time I still can't believe its happened and he has been so heartless. I know holding on to hope will only prolong the pain, but at the moment hope is the only thing getting me through. I do think keeping busy will help keep my mind of him, so that is my new plan of action.

(Pollara) I am so sorry to hear that your relationship is 'officially' over now too. I feel for you and understand your sadness.. It doesn't matter the time differences of our relationships, it still hurts and I understand. Seems like you have been in pain over this for months while he has been sorting himself out. I guess some comfort is that he will still remain in contact with you, although I don't know if that just makes things harder for you to move on. It seems as though there is still the possibility for the two of you in the future though, from what you have written? And Its true that he won't grieve all his life, but I know this doesn't make it easier on you knowing that he wants to start a new life with new things. I'm sorry as well that your friends have gone on holidays now and can't be there with you... (Try to keep busy, and hopefully this will help a bit) But to be honest I can't focus on anything else either, I've almost stuffed up a four year degree because of this, so I completely understand you cannot focus on anything else. I wish I had an answer for you to make you forget and feel better, as I would like to as well, but unfortunately I don't

Its definitely true that logic does not apply to grief... I'm sad that this is the case for so many people, life can be so cruel. I keep going over things in my head and thinking what I could have done differently. I know this is not helping, and regretting things that I have said is only making me feel worse but at the moment I can't seem to get my mind to a better place. I know what he is going through is 100 times worse and that for him he will never get his brother back, but that doesn't make it easier for me to cope. He has a very good career which at least gives him something to focus on I guess and I at least know he is doing ok. Even though deep down I believe he still loves me, I know he will not change his mind as he thinks that he has said too much now and can't go back, plus at the moment he is so consumed with grief he thinks he doesn't deserve anyone and doesn't want to be happy anyway (Plus he has always been a man of his word, and doesn't say things he doesn't mean). Your right about the link with meeting me and his brothers life, when we broke up he said to me that if he saw me it would just remind him of when he was happy, when his brother was alive. I'm sorry to go on about this, I think it will be the same conversation for me for months to come.... I just hope things get easier. Do you have any contact with your ex bf now? I understand how you feel and that you are hurt. I hope you are doing better than me though...

Thankyou for your reply Pollara, it was nice to have someone else's opinion. I just feel so devastated and lost I miss him so much. I understand he is depressed right now and that the loss of his brother is consuming him emotionally, he said that he wants to be alone and to live this out alone and to focus only on his career now. And Pollara, I feel like a fool too, I was convinced that we were going to be together forever. And the thing is, even though im here hurting and crying everyday, I think he is so caught up with his own feelings that he can't even understand that I would be upset. I let him grieve, and have supported him over the last year. I think what Is making this harder is that he asked me to go away with him for work only 2 months ago and then a month later he had completely changed his mind on everything. I want to wait for him, but I also don't want this grief to consume me and that is what I feel is happening. I don't know what to do... I wish I could just forget everything too.

Seems like its all over for me too.... I finally spoke to my ex (well he finally answered my text) and I told him I wouldn't meet him anymore on his trip, so not to ruin it for him. He was more cold than when we broke up, even saying more hurtful things. He said, he doesn't want happiness anymore and that he has no happy memories in his life of anything and just continued with his wishes for me to never contact him again and let him be alone. I'm so hurt, I can't even believe this is happening.... Of course everyone grieves differently but I don't believe in things happening for a reason anymore. I did hang in there and would have done anything for him, its been a year since his brother died. We were fine until a month before the anniversary of his death, and that's when he said he had moved on and didn't want to talk anymore. Of course he is grieving, but there is no excuse to just shut people out completely and treat them as if you never cared. People make their choices. The only lesson I learned and not to be negative 'bryce2102' is not to get close to people. Sorry for this negative message, I just needed to cry and vent for a bit...

Thankyou for your reply, although its not what I wanted to hear, I know you are right. Its only been a week since we broke up, so i know it will take some time, but I will tell him when im ready that he was right and that its best we don't meet again.

How do you let go of love?? The thing is, I do understand he needs to be alone right now, but I don't want to move on and selfishly I don't want him to either. I guess deep down I was hopeing that if we got to see each other one last time he might change his mind. I know im just dreaming, but its hard to let go. Being with someone else and starting a new path in life at 31 isn't really what I had planned these last 5 years.

So I have just found this site and have read through all of the posts. My boyfriend of 5 years has just broken up with me 2 days ago now. We were in a long distance relationship which we had kept going over the 5 years with the intentions of being together at the end of this year when i had finished my degree. His brother passed away almost 1 year ago now, the anniversery of which is in 3 weeks. He told me two days ago, that he doesn't want to be with me anymore because it reminds him of the life when he was happy when his brother was alive. Just a month ago we had planned to meet each other for a trip while he was going to be away working (which was supposed to happen in July), but then suddenly he has changed his mind and turned cold. He acted as if he didn't care anymore. Even as he was breaking up with me he told me 'I was the love of his life'.... and then he said he had moved on, and that he doesn't want me to ever contact him again. I was so hurt by his words, and don't even know what to say.. I love him and i have read all your posts about moving on, but how do you do that when they say things like that? I know he is grieving, he has told me he can't deal with this and that he wants to be alone, but I can't deal with that either. Sadly our conversation ended by me making him agree to see me one last time. He gave me an ultimatum, saying he would see me for 10 mins, but hate every minute of it and then hate me for it. How does someone say things like that ? I'm so hurt, but i feel guilty too for pressuring him into this, now i think i should tell him to forget what i said and that i understand that he needs to move on...