msamy

Thank you Miri and everyone for your posts! I have been searching for understanding and outlets to deal with my pain and reading everyone's experiences brings me some comfort that we all go through this. My story which I would like to share. A little background on me I have never experienced a close family member or person dying. I was pretty shelter from social experiences when I was growing up. I was diagnose with depression when I was in high school where I took it to the extreme. I know that helpless feeling. Feelings of no one understanding how much pain you are in. When I met my boyfriend for him it was love at first sight. I fell for him a week after we started dating. 3 months later we move in together. My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years proposed to me on our 5 year anniversary dec 6, 2013. It was a wonderful and special time. He was unlike anyone I have met. We definitely were not perfect in anyway we had our many ups and downs, but I fell in love with this person and our love just grew as time passed. He is very close to his parents and siblings and they all liked me. We set the date for sep 27, 2014. From the very beginning when he first met me he told me I was the one and he never cared so much for someone the way he felt about me. I am the more sensible one so I wanted it to be the right time. Boy was it the right time then. Then in February his father died of a heart attack. Leaving everyone and his wife behind. It's been an emotional roller coaster. His parents had maintained a wonderful marriage which inspired me and I felt really lucky to be around really great people his family. His fathers death affected everyone. I had asked him if he wanted to postpone the wedding during the days of the funeral but he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. A month before the wedding he asked me if we can postpone the wedding in a text. We never discus important stuff through text. He said he didn't think he could be happy on our wedding day dealing with his fathers death was overwhelming. He said he wanted to be in a better place when he got married. I completely overreacted irrationally. I gave him an ultimatum which was wrong of me. I realized a few days later asking myself why would I abandon someone that I love when he needs me the most? Our relationship is a strong one it took awhile to build it that way. I always appreciated how we could talk and work things out. I did a lot of apologizing and making sure he knew how I felt without being overbearing. He apologized to me but I could tell he did not want to deal with what was going on. He told me he had reached a point. He couldn't handle dealing with everything. He had really thought about what he needed to do and told me his goals were to focus on work, get counseling and move out. I didn't realize how much of an emotional support he was being to his mom and his brother on top of dealing with himself and getting married. So it was easier for him to cut me out and not deal with me. I completely understood that and it hurt. It hurt to the point I was have anxiety attacks and just not wanting to eat anything. He told me he was becoming destructive and it was easier to push the closest people away. Except his family. I was just totally shocked by that because we were about to be family. I was going to be his wife. I have been here for him. The month of August was the worse month ever. He decided he needed to move out. I caught him in two lies about his ex girlfriend who just happened to move back to town. He had planned to find a place with her. He was abusing alcohol. It took one of our close friends to snap him out of that decision. Our friend had asked why are you trying to add more drama to your life? It was very difficult because this was not him at all. He was getting all sorts of advice good or bad from his friends and I could tell how confused and lost he is. But there is nothing I can do. I sent him an e-mail one day saying I was not going to stand in his way of moving out. I needed to let him go and sort this out on his own. When I got home that day from work I told him how much I love him and we need to get to a better place. Staying together was something that we agreed on for when he needs some support and I will not be a needy girlfriend. I pick and choose what days I try to talk to him about different things. Even when it's driving me crazy. I had to sort through a lot of things and figure out what my battles were going to be. He has good days and he has bad days. On his good days I would asked him are you having a good day today? Then I only had one question to ask him. The question was never to upset him more. This one particular day I asked him are you still seeing your ex? He was seeing her platonically but he doesn't see her anymore now and he only talks to her when she texts him. I have been paying attention he was sincere and I wasn't getting vibes or gut feelings making me feel like something was off. So this must be a good sign. This might be weird but before all this we had promised each other that if ever we wanted to see someone else we would break up I hate cheaters and he hates cheaters so why be one. I have been able to talk to him about him being destructive. He realized he caused more pain bringing his ex around and he was drinking too much. I simply said why are you taking the easy way out? What you are going through isn't suppose to be easy. He agreed. He moved out. It's hard because he doesn't want to cut me out of his life completely but he can't be around me all the time either. I don't know what future we will have. I have come to terms with living each day to the next and finding things to fill my time. I hope with time he can get in a better place. I talk to so many people at my job and some have shared their stories of their loved ones passing away it has helped me to understand all this better. This hurts so much and it sucks. Being positive has been really important. I feel the goal is to want to be happy again and that takes time. Just trying not to give up. Like one of my clients told me I have unfinished business. For now move on and do things that make you happy no matter how small or ridiculous it may be. Do it for yourself.