Ammy1 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 So here is the break up email. I have changed the names... Hi Ammy, I do not feel this is working out. We have alot of things in common as well as differences. I am truly sorry, Chris --------------------------------------------------------------------- So, I met him on link removed we hit it off from the beginning. He took me to a Broadway Show, out to eat, movies, walks in the park, bars, lounges. I contributed to our outings aswell. I met all of his friends many times, I had tickets to Six Flags and took him and his friends... We had an awesome and loving relationship. But, two days ago. He emailed me what you see above at 5:30AM on a Tuesday morning. I am completely devistated. I texted him that morning something nice and realised he didnt respond. So after I read the email I texted that im sorry I just read the email. He responded by saying, Good luck in school and all of your endeavors I just feel that our lives are on different paths... Mind you we are exactly 6 days apart and both want to get married and have kids. I was very respectful of him and him to me. But, now hes not responding to my texts and emails. I want him to come back atleast give me an explaination beyond that crap he said. I am sooo devistated. We were only together for 4 months. But, I just dont understand how you can be happy and so great and then leave like that. Heeelp. Im at work just dying. This happened two days ago. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 He's a coward and that's pretty cold. 4 months is quite a bit, it's not like we are talking 4 weeks. So yeah, that's a really cold way to end things. Are you sure there were no signs of red-flags and dis-interest? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Yes, he is being cowardly... or perhaps he met someone new and doesn't know how to tell you he wants to try her out... I hate it when they at least don't do it face to face, but many people have a hard time with emotional scenes of any kind. Link to comment
Ammy1 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 No! Only last Sunday. He said he was home sleeping which I believe because he was with his family that Saturday which is a normal thing, But I had a feeling that something was wrong. He texted me good morning for 4 straight months and never missed a day. We had a really great relationship. Im so upset. We are both 33 no kids. I was never mean or jealous. We were really good. He called me evry day. I dont know what to do. He hasnt returned my emails I am totally confused. My parents are also confused. They really thought this was the on Im just surprised that he didnt give me any more explaination and not even a phone call. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 It's ok if he didn't want to continue the relationship. What's not ok is doing that over e-mail. I would expect someone to send a message like that after only going on a few dates or something- but after a 4 month relationship- that is just COLD. Maybe he's one of those types that keeps active dating profiles on different sites and dates women in pseudo-relationships but never takes the profile down, keeps the door open/deceives, waiting for the "next best" thing, and now he's moved on to someone else. Link to comment
Ammy1 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 I went on link removed to see if he joined again on Sunday cus I had a weird feeling and I saw he had his account but it wasnt used for a long time. THEN I checked again the day he dumped me and he had went on there that day... Link to comment
Ammy1 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 YEa. I just wish he could say why or call me and say something etc. Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 He's 33?! YUCK! If he was 20 I might say he was being cowardly and childish but in a 33 year old man an e-mail break-up after 4 months is unacceptable. Maybe he met someone else...maybe he's a commitment-phobe who got cold feet...maybe he's just nuts. Either way, extremely immature for a man of his age...you dodged a bullet. I wouldn't want to share my life/responsibilities/potential children-rearing responsibilities with a man this unpredictable! Sorry you are hurting but you deserve so much better. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I can understand it perfectly. Breakups are messy and angry affairs. I wouldn't want to deal with that either. At 4 months, an email is a bit on the... low-commitment side, but would it make it any better any other way? He doesn't owe you an explanation. It wasn't working for him, so it wasn't working for you, either. What else do you need? Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 It's ok if he didn't want to continue the relationship. What's not ok is doing that over e-mail. I would expect someone to send a message like that after only going on a few dates or something- but after a 4 month relationship- that is just COLD. Maybe he's one of those types that keeps active dating profiles on different sites and dates women in pseudo-relationships but never takes the profile down, keeps the door open/deceives, waiting for the "next best" thing, and now he's moved on to someone else. Yes Yes Yes! You found an Internet player, and while there is no set type of warning flags for that, I think he decided over time that he didn't want to be committed or perhaps found out for something. When he rubber bands back to you in about three months ignore him entirely. You can't fix him. Link to comment
Psych Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me, too. Both times, with guys I met on dating sites. One of those was 8 months of being very close, spending time with each other's families, etc., and it was evident that he wasn't even intending to send me an e-mail when he moved on. Sure enough, his dating profile showed that he was frequenting the site. He came crawling back to me a few months later, but promptly started ignoring me again and I had the privilege of catching him with another girl. Sadly, it seems that online dating often goes this way. It's just too easy for guys to forever browse the catalogue of potential dates, and don't appreciate what they find because they didn't really have to earn it. For this reason I have given up trying the online thing. Instead of spending hours browsing profiles that all look the same and often do not give an accurate impression of the person anyway, I am taking classes, volunteering, and applying for grad school. I remain hopeful that I will meet someone genuine by doing things that are productive and interesting to me. If it is fruitless in that way, I still have my personal accomplishments to show for it, and I'm much, much happier doing this than enabling online creeps to treat me as their disposable, worthless accessory. It's very cliché, but so, SO true. I strongly encourage EVERYone to stick to the old-fashioned, tried and true ways of meeting people. There are worse things than frustration and loneliness. OP- Keep reminding yourself that someone so cowardly and inconsiderate is not worth it. I hope you feel better soon. Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Old fashioned meeting in person is the way I see it too, fwiw. Angel Link to comment
Ammy1 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Yea, Everyone here has given me good advice and I made It through the night. But, with out hearing from him. So sad. Im just so sad. He was so wonderful to me. Every single day was special and just so happy. Then he left. I just cant understand. Its like he disappeared. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 One of the problems with online dating, I think, is that because you have a lot of information about that person early on, it's easy to think that you have much more of a relationship than you do in reality. What you don't have, of course, is all the hinterland - seeing his history and the way he operates without having any involvement with him. Unlike what's likely to happen if you meet someone through work or studies. With people you meet in everyday life, it would take ages to find out all the stuff you get instantly on an internet profile - and while you're doing that, you're also finding out a lot about that person, what makes them tick, in a way which is only possible through first-hand experience. Anyone can keep up a facade for four months, during the honeymoon period, and so online dating really suits people with commitment-phobia who are addicted to the thrill of the chase and the 'high' of the early stages of a relationship. Of course, the real stuff of relationships starts after the hearts and flowers have faded away, and then they can move on in the hope of starting another 'honeymoon period' all over again. My guess is that this is what's happened with your guy, especially if there was no sign of any conflict before he just bailed. You need to remember that this isn't about you - it's about him. Really don't take it personally. I am not in any way implying that everyone who tries internet dating is like this - it's just that it's a way of meeting people which particularly suits people who are incapable of sustaining real, live relationships. Link to comment
Ammy1 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Thank you! So much. It doesnt help that I have to work straight through the weekend. No break for me. I just hope I can make it through the day without trying to contact him. Link to comment
ngu11 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I received my dismissal by email too...and i understood why she did it. I suppose the main differences were that we were together over a year and our reason for breaking up wasn't really out of the blue. At the time I was really angry however, I never really thought about the way in which she left, more so the reasons. She also explained exactly why she left, how she felt about me (this hurt the most as she said she was still madly in love with me etc) and then why she did it by email... so she could clearly express what was on her mind. There was also an acknowledgement that doing it by email didn't display much courage. Breaking up is a horrible thing for both parties to go through and sometimes we forget the stress/pain/hurt/uncomfortableness that the person doing the dumping may go through. The reason I'm writing this is because when it comes down to it, a break up still occurred and it doesn't matter really how it happened. It's still going to hurt like hell! We all still need to heal from it at some point and move forward with life. You will do so much better if you try and let go with love and appreciation of the relationship, him, and the break up itself because if you do get the chance to get back together, you will be in an emotionally stronger place to deal with the reconciliation process, which itself is an emotionally turbulent space. Equally, it will help you to gain perspective and move forward positively. With regards to what he is doing now on link removed, this is nothing but speculation. You can't possibly know what he is doing/thinking....for all you know he could be checking up on you! You had a good relationship which unfortunately ended. For whatever reason, he believes this is for the best at the moment so my advice; be grateful for what you did have, try and keep yourself busy and move forward with love and positivity. Link to comment
Escargot Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I'm betting it's the abruptness of the breakup and also the lack of an explanation, rather than the method of delivering the (short) message. This is like him ringing the doorbell for your date, and when you answer the door, he says to you "Oh so sorry I'm cancelling our date. I'm breaking up. Good luck." And walking away. And you are left with lots of unanswered questions. He sounds like a commitment phobic. At the time he met you, he was really into you, hoping you'd cure him, and he pursued you. He even played the part in the desire to be a better man because of you. But at some point when he realized he had won you over, all those uncomfortable feelings of feeling smothered, caged, confused, and unable to really commit to you flooded him and he bailed. It's nothing you did, and it's all about him and his issues. Men like this ought to be caught, branded on the inner thigh, and released back out to the wild. The brand will serve as a warning label for the next women who have the misfortune of being in his life. I agree with the other posters, online dating makes it so much easier for a guy (or gal) to attain you, without any real time or emotional investment so its easy to toss out one and move on to the next. Link to comment
catarina Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 He sounds like a commitment phobic. At the time he met you, he was really into you, hoping you'd cure him, and he pursued you. He even played the part in the desire to be a better man because of you. But at some point when he realized he had won you over, all those uncomfortable feelings of feeling smothered, caged, confused, and unable to really commit to you flooded him and he bailed. It's nothing you did, and it's all about him and his issues.. THIS IS THE MAN I JUST STOPPED DATING. I mean, to a T. It's eerie. We met the old fashioned way and not online, but honestly the whole rest of it is the same. When he started to gt scared, he just disappeared, so I didnt get a short email dismissal. I eventually got a longer email full of some other junk. TO the OP, I don't know what else I can add that no one else has already said. It could be that he's not a truly BAD GUY, just that he's really immature and not ready for a real relationship. Sometimes that's more painful because if you're ready, it's even harder to understand how someone else could just freak out and bail. Especially when they seem so into you. (For me, my ex told me that I inspired him to be a better person, that our connection was truly beautiful, and that the world felt like it was in balance when we were together.) It's also hard when you trust and relax into a relationship just to have the rug pulled out from under you. From my personal experience, and I'm now about 6 weeks removed from the day he started to ignore me, and 2 weeks from our last contact, the hardest thing to do is accept the truth--in this case, that there isn't anything wrong with me. THat he really was happy and he meant everything he said. That I was wrong about him as a suitable partner for me. That I miss him. That I can't make him ready for a relationship. That I need to let go and move on. THat he eventually will end up wiht someone else, when he's ready, and so will I. Not easy to accept all that. I'm somewhere on the spectrum. Posting here has been so wonderful and there are a lot of people who have been so supportive. Keep doing that! Hugs. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I met all my ex's online and I dont cheat or leave women. My last ex i met through myspace, we were together for 3 years. Once you get serious, delete the account and be with that person. I went online because I used to be shy. I still do it now because my friends are involved with their wives, or with other activities that dont involve going out to social places. If I dont make you my gf, then its a temporary thing, and I would be honest to say it, but if I am not sure if i should progress us further, I would be honest to say that as well. Also, women can be blamed for the same issues as men. But I do agree with the OP, guys do tend to juggle a lot when it comes to online dating. My friend swore it off and never went back online. Link to comment
ngu11 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 People keep mentioning that their ex partners get 'scared' or 'confused' or are 'commitment phobes' - This is nothing but a technique to help deal with the pain of rejection. The reality is that, it's all rubbish. We know as human beings what we're doing. We leave people (our partners) because it's just not what we want. I've had relationships when I have admittedly fallen off the face of the earth. It was for sure the wrong way to deal with the situation and I certainly did not show respect for their feelings etc. However, if it's not a relationship that we are not truly emotionally involved in or deeply want, then there is nothing that can be done to fix it. Either something has changed regarding the dynamics of the relationship/feelings etc...or it was never there to begin with. It doesn't mean that we don't care for that person & often we can grow to love them in some way, it's just that why waste our own time and that of the person we are with if it's not going to, or even has a chance to last the distance? For those who say: "well he/she told me that they loved me...i met their friends and family blah blah blah" This means nothing...trust me. I mean are they with you now? It's actually quite easy to have our partners convinced that we are into them as they often are dead set on believing that 'truth' anyway! The only person we can't pull the wool over for too long is ourselves. Btw, I'm not a serial dumper lol...and i was dumped and found myself here. Link to comment
Ammy1 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 So, Day 1 of me not emailing or texting. Tomorrow will be day two. one day at a time. And still no communication from him Nothing since the breakup. I feel like he tore my happy joyous heart out, stomped on it, ripped it up, ate it, threw it up, put it in a blender and then flushed it down the toilet. Im just upset with the way he did it. We were too kind to eachother for it to end that way. Link to comment
MK9 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 No contact day 20th for me. It is easier for me to go no contact since I demonized her and replaced "love" with hate. I keep telling myself she's a no good cheater, worthless trash. It is not nice, I know. But it works. =) Anyways, yay you for 1st day of no contact. You can do it! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Yea, Everyone here has given me good advice and I made It through the night. But, with out hearing from him. So sad. Im just so sad. He was so wonderful to me. Every single day was special and just so happy. Then he left. I just cant understand. Its like he disappeared. It is known as serial dating.... Link to comment
catarina Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Wow, I couldn't disagree with you more. Especially as someone who was commitment-phobic who has learned so much about myself, relationships, fear, commitment and love, gradually, over the last 6-7 years. Commitment phobia has to do with one or all of many things--not being OK with your own imperfectons so not being comfortable with anyone else's, not being sure you can meet the needs of the person who you're with and freaking out about it, not being at a place where you feel like you can/want to adjust your schedule /habits/life to allow another person in... You truly have to be ready for a commitment and want someone else in your life, otherwise you're afraid. People who are chronically commitment-phobic are ones who never find themselves in that place, and/or keep making choices that keep them perpetually in a place where another person doesn't really fit. It's only twisting words and semantics to blame it on the person who was dumped and say "you couldn't get them to commit, clearly it's you. THey just don't like you that much." FOr my situation, I honestly KNOW it's not me. I'm a great person, and honestly if my ex were to make a list of his ideal woman, I'm 98% certain that I have all the qualities on the list. He knows that, he has told me that outright. At one point he actually told me that the only reason he was running from me was that things were going so well and he was starting to get scared. My downfall with him was that 1) I want a relationship, and 2) I would eventually ask him for things that emotionally he's not ready to provide. So I'm rejected for being healthy. Truly, my fault in all this was getting emotionally involved with a man who wasn't divorced for long enough. I tried to stay removed but eventually I fell, and I was happy. He told me he was ready. When things started to get more serious, turns out he wasn't. I will never believe it's about me. Some other woman will come along at some point in the future after he's further removed from his divorce than he was when he met me, and she will be the "right one" because either she won't ask for as much emotionally as I do or he'll be more in a place to provide. PErsonally, I think it's going to be the first one, just based on what I have observed about him. But that won't make her a better match for him, just someone who came along at a better time in his life. The moral of the story--commitment phobia is real! I'm a reformed phobe... just broke up with a man in the thick of it. It distorts one's view of relationships and people. It triggers the fear mechanism. Emotional fears and habits and junk are really deep, it causes people to do crazy things. Link to comment
lapse Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 haha so true. In my futuristic sarcasm and cynicism, I've wished for people to have an emotional credit score. Link to comment
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