how to deal with disrespectful teenage children

[ImGrowing]

My niece is 18 and she's going through a phase where she's incredibly disrespectful. She's disrespectful to her mom and dad, and teaches her friends how to be disrespectful in their house by not cleaning up after their mess. They come over and eat the food and leave their plates and cups everywhere without washing it. Her parents try to put their foot down, but they don't follow through. She's had things handed to her. She has a job, but her parents pay for her car, insurance, school etc. She doesn't give them any of her paycheck.

 

I am 28 and I live in my sister's house, so I feel like I need to be the responsible adult. She likes to have a clean house, and I seriously stress out about cleaning it, because her daughter doesn't care. She hasn't done much to clean up. I tried confronting her behavior. I tried ignoring it. I tried delegating chores. I tried not cleaning at all, but that didn't work. My sister and brother in law don't discipline her. I know it's sort of their fault, but since I live with them, I feel like I need to be responsible and help my sister clean. But, when my sister is not around, I feel like a maid. I wash everyone's dishes, and clean up the mess they leave around the place.

 

I'm seriously at a point where I want to slap my 18 year old niece, and that's why I'm here. I think her friends are encouraging the behavior too, because even they don't have the decency to respect the house.

 

How can I win here? I know moving out is an option, but I can't afford it. I don't mind cleaning after people every now and then, but my niece is definitely treating me like a maid, and is teaching her friends to do the same. Help...

 

Note: Her parents only come home during the weekend. They live in an apartment closer to my brother in law's job. I try to clean the house before they come home, because they come home to unwind and relax... not clean. But, it hasn't worked out that way.

[OptomisticGirl]

If they aren't correcting her behavior not much you CAN do, I'm afraid. I would stop cleaning up after her and let her parents know you will do a deep clean once a week (or however often you want to do it) and keep up after you but you will not be cleaning up after your niece.

[annie24]

She's 18. They can kick her out. They are not putting their foot down.

[Moontiger]

Stop cleaning up after her. Seriously. Buy disposable plates and cups, keep them in your room and use them instead of dishes. If she leaves her stuff all over the house simple pick it up and place it in front of her door. If she confronts you about say, "Oh? Well, it was in the way. I am not a maid so I just put it next to your door for you to take care of."

 

Also, sit down with your sister, tell her you don't mind cleaning and helping out but that its getting to be to much for you.

[catfeeder]

If that's how they want to raise their kids, then it is what it is. I'd consider the cleaning as part of my rent and do my best with it--and also curb my dealings with the niece. It's all temporary, and the more able you are to keep perspective on this being a place you're earning the right to live in, then the more inclined you'll be to keep harmony with the other inhabitants. That's number one priority.

[annie24]

Stop cleaning up after her. Seriously. Buy disposable plates and cups, keep them in your room and use them instead of dishes. If she leaves her stuff all over the house simple pick it up and place it in front of her door. If she confronts you about say, "Oh? Well, it was in the way. I am not a maid so I just put it next to your door for you to take care of."

 

Also, sit down with your sister, tell her you don't mind cleaning and helping out but that its getting to be to much for you.

 

agreed!!!!!!!!! Don't clean up after the niece and tell your sister that you can't be the maid anymore. Daughter has to pull her own weight.

[ImGrowing]

I tried not cleaning up after them... it doesn't work. The mess just piles up, and so does my guilt for leaving the place like it is. Catfeeder mentioned seeing this cleaning as part of my rent, and that has helped for a while. But, it gets overwhelming when they take advantage of it. For instance, I would clean the place, so it looks neat the day before my sister gets home, and it's trashed again. So I have to clean up again.

 

I guess, I feel guilty for not cleaning. We live in a 6 bedroom house, so it's a challenge to clean. The main areas that need to be cleaned is the kitchen, 2 living rooms, and the dining room. Also, the shared bathroom. I'm just really upset right now, because I bought bathroom decor, and my niece used the display towels to wash her hair today. Her and her friends dyed their hair pink, and left pink stains all over the bathtub and sink. I told her to clean it up, and she did clean up the stains, but she left the place a mess. Her flat iron is on the sink. The trash is still filled with all the mess they left in there etc. Then, she brings her friends over again today, and decides to hang out, when I planned on cleaning up the house. I hear dishes being used downstairs (cabinets being opened etc), and I know they won't wash any of it. I also cleaned up the place today, so it's back to being a mess.

 

It's incredibly frustrating. I know it's just a phase. I went through something similar, but I was never THIS bad! Her brothers were never this bad either. I think my sister understands that it's a phase and they're hoping to ride it off. It's just frustrating that they're not here to deal with it. I'm much more mature than they are, and I appreciate the fact that my sister is doing so much for us, and I try to go out of my way to help them anyway I can, financially or cleaning etc.

 

So far the options are:

1. Don't clean, and feel guilty for leaving the place the way it is.

2. Clean and be miserable and hope that eventually her attitude will change.

[Moontiger]

You have NOTHING to feel guilty for. I live with my sister right now and I clean as part of my "rent" but we established what is and is not my responsibility. I would sit down with your sister and talk about that. This way you can do your part and not feel guilty.

 

Also, remember, if you nieces stuff is everywhere you don't have to clean it up. Gather it together in a pile for her to deal with. She is acting this way because everyone is letting her get away with it. Its not your job to teach her how to be respectful, that's all on her parents, but you don't have to let her push you around either.

[Moontiger]

What if you just left on chore undone to start out with? Like the dishes for example. As I said before buy disposables and just let the dishes pile up, and up, and up. Eventually, your niece will have to take care of them if she wants to eat.

[ImGrowing]

You have NOTHING to feel guilty for. I live with my sister right now and I clean as part of my "rent" but we established what is and is not my responsibility. I would sit down with your sister and talk about that. This way you can do your part and not feel guilty.

 

Also, remember, if you nieces stuff is everywhere you don't have to clean it up. Gather it together in a pile for her to deal with. She is acting this way because everyone is letting her get away with it. Its not your job to teach her how to be respectful, that's all on her parents, but you don't have to let her push you around either.

 

 

I definitely need to sit down with her to see what she wants me to do or expects from me. I made a chore list a few days ago, and my nephews did their part. My neice reluctantly washed dishes (after arguing with her). She was upset that she had to clean up after people (how ironic.). But she didn't do the rest of her chores. I feel like I owe my sister for staying here, and that's why i feel guilty. I already pay her $200 a month and help out with food when I can, but the atmosphere here makes me feel like I owe them more...

 

 

I am so overwhelmed, and I just got off the phone with my mom and dad. I needed to talk to someone. I was crying, because I was so frustrated. I had no one to vent to, and I hate that I have to call them, because they get stressed out too, because they know they're not here to help me. They want me to go home to them, but also want me to get my degree. I'm the only child out of 3 who is in college, and they believe I have the best potential to get a degree, because I don't have kids. My brother has 4 kids, and my sister has 3, so they have other responsibilities. My parents can't afford to get me an apartment, so I appreciate the help I'm getting from my sister. Once I get accepted into my degree program, I am pulling out a loan. I also work, but it's not enough to pay for rent. So moving back home and getting a minimum wage job is not something I want to do. I know I'm capable of earning a degree... the things I have to deal with to get there is just very frustrating. I just needed to vent and find better ways to deal with issues that are beyond my control.

 

I really appreciate the support everyone. I know this might seem like a minor issue, but when it adds up, it becomes overwhelming.

[annony]

So when you confronted her, she cleaned, but not to standard.

I had a similar situation when my mom took in a foster son while I was temporarily living at home due to having recently moved back to the country.

I found that he really just didn't know. He hadn't learned to take initiative, so had to be reminded constantly to clean. He also had never been asked to clean up after himself before, so he really didn't know all the details of what was expected.

We couldn't just say "clean the kitchen" that was too vague. We had to say "wipe the counter tops, put the dishes away and take out the garbage"

We couldn't say "do your laundry" we had to say "put the dirty clothes in the washer, empty the lint screen, fold the clean clothes and put them away"

 

Sounds like you and your family need to set out clear expectations of who is to clean what, and to what standard. Is it ok to leave trash in the bathroom garbage? Is it ok to wait til the end of the day to load the dishwasher, or should the dishes be loaded as they are used?

If after that she doesn't hold up her end of the deal, it's not your problem, as she has been properly informed of the expectations.

[allsunny]

I did make a cleaning roster. Her share:

1. Wash dishes, dry them, and put them away.

2. wipe down stove and microwave

3. Clear/wipe kitchen counter and kitchen table.

4. Sweep kitchen floor.

 

She washed dishes after I argued with her to do it. The night before her parents were going to show up, I told her she still needed to wash the dishes and do her chores. She got upset and said that she they weren't her dishes. After I pointed out the fact that everyone else did their end of the deal except her and asked for a respond that she was going to wash the dishes, she said yes. (it was difficult to talk to her). Well, she washed the dishes, but left them out. Didn't dry them or put them away. There were more dishes from that night, and she didn't clean them the next day. I've given up hope. I've lived in this house for a year, and I can think of 2 or maybe 3 times that she helped out with the chores, including the this time that I forced her to clean.

[annony]

The fact that an 18 year old kid would whine like that about doing chores really speaks to her maturity level.

Have a talk with your sister about what you observe when she's not there. I appreciate it when my sister gives me the low down when she babysits my kids.

After that, just do your best to not feel guilty about her mess. You are in fact enabling this behavior by continuing to put up with it, and even though you have a heart of gold for wanting things to be the best for your sister, you aren't doing anyone any favours.

Her mother needs to correct this, and it isn't going to happen unless she sees it happening, and gets to see how bad it is.

Another person brought up putting her mess in front of her door. This sounds like an awesome idea to me. It shows your sister, your neice and the rest of the family how much of the mess she is individually responsible for, and illustrates the point that everyone else is cleaning.

[ImGrowing]

Guess what everyone. I did something I've never done before. I lost my temper! She had her friends over, and I was upset, because now the place was going to be a mess again. Her friends already left soda cans on the tables, and I know they're not going clean that up.

 

Well, I told my sister that my niece needs to clean up before and after her friends. My sister is also tired of it, and she told me to kick my niece's friends out and that they're no longer allowed to hang out at the house. Then she texted my niece "kick your friends out and clean the crap out of your closet" (She's going to college soon.) I know she texted that because she accidentally texted it to me first. Well, of course, she didn't listen and her friends stayed til 2am, making noise.

 

That's when I called my parents and cried from frustration, because I feel like it's not my house, and I'm not their parents, so I can't really tell them what to do and what not to do. Well, when I was finally about to go to bed, I hear her and one of her friends, who I truly dislike now, talking loud and listening to music. They were in her room, and her door was wide opened.

 

So, went to her room and asked them to keep it down, because I'm trying to go to bed. Well, my nieces gives me the "whatever look" and says "k" and slams the door in my face as I walk away. My blood pressure was already elevated by then, so I slammed the door open and yelled "don't you ever slam the door on my face." She kinda looked surprised and laughed a little, and that just made me more upset. So I got more angry and my face showed it. I basically pinned her to the wall without touching her. I said "don't you ever disrespect me like that again, and wipe that smile off your face! You keep pushing my buttons and this is what happens. So you need to stop 'efin' p'in me off!" When I realized that she understood that I was serious, I walked away.

 

Well, she's never experienced that before. No one has ever been that stern with her, because she broke down and cried. Her friend called my nephew, and told him what happened, and my nephew got mad at me! He got mad, because I was aggressive with her, like I was about to beat her up, and now she's crying. I didn't even touch her. But I was definitely aggressive. Now, I feel like maybe I was too aggressive, but her friend also needed to see that she can't come in here and encourage my niece to act up like that. I honestly think this particular friend is influencing her.

 

They just recently started hanging out more. I know she's a bad influence, because one day my sister told my niece to put away the groceries. After bickering with her for a while, they finally put them away and her and her friend were kinda laughing and being sarcastic about the whole situation, because I was mad that she ignored her mom.

Well, my sis told my niece to put the groceries in nicely and not to toss them. After she said that, I heard her friend say "just toss them."

 

I know this is aggression, and I don't encourage it. Now I feel like I did something wrong, by being too aggressive. But nothing else worked. No one was disciplined her (taking away her phone, her car, giving her a curfew, grounding her etc.)

 

At this point, my sister knows what I'm going through and said that my niece needed to see that, because she doesn't realize who she's talking back to sometimes. But the problem is I think my brother in law, who basically pays the bills, is upset with me. She is his baby, and there really isn't any aggressive yelling in this house. If her brother got mad at me for making her cry, imagine how my brother in law would feel! So, now I'm on the verge of having to give up going to college for now and leaving the country to live with my parents. My parents understand. They understand the frustration, because it's not "my house." They want me to go home. They're afraid that I would do something worse, if this continues... either to myself or someone else, and they're not here to help me through it. Now I'm stuck. My sister is not answering my phone, after she told me to call her. I don't know what to expect.

[annony]

I feel like i want to give you a virtual hug.

 

You lost your temper, but we all do sometimes.

 

Don't jump to conclusions about how your brother-in-law feels, you really don't know. Her brother got upset with you, but he is young, and immature. I remember being a teenager with different priorities, and values than I have now, and honestly, I shake my head at some of the conclusions that were "so clear" at such a young age.

College is rough. It's hard making ends meet and hard finding time and energy and most of us end up in less than ideal living situations.

It's not forever though. Stick it out and soon you will have a degree and a job that you can be proud of, instead of a lifetime of regret for dropping out.

[ImGrowing]

I feel like i want to give you a virtual hug.

 

You lost your temper, but we all do sometimes.

 

Don't jump to conclusions about how your brother-in-law feels, you really don't know. Her brother got upset with you, but he is young, and immature. I remember being a teenager with different priorities, and values than I have now, and honestly, I shake my head at some of the conclusions that were "so clear" at such a young age.

College is rough. It's hard making ends meet and hard finding time and energy and most of us end up in less than ideal living situations.

It's not forever though. Stick it out and soon you will have a degree and a job that you can be proud of, instead of a lifetime of regret for dropping out.

 

 

UPDATE: So my sister was mad at my brother in law, because my brother in law took my niece's side (of course.) Well, the story they got was that I pinned her to the wall and was basically choking her and beating her up. He thinks I got physically violent with her. My sister knows shes guilty, because she also told her for the past three days that she doesn't want any of her friends in the house, because she needs to get ready for college (packing etc). Well, of course she ignored her mom, and she also left home and slept at her friend's house one night. My sister understands the treatment. Well, her dad wants me to call her brother or them anything they do something wrong. But, I now I feel like I'm always complaining. They have a cousin staying with us too, but she's always in her room. She went back home to visit, and made up an excuse that she was sick, so she missed her flight back. I know she doesn't want to be here either. There's so much disrespect going on, and my brother in law doesn't see any of it.

 

But, I'm staying. Now, I might have to jump on here every so often to better deal with things in the future, because I definitely don't want to let this get to me again. Should I just stay out the way? Should I just stay in my room like their cousin? She rarely does any cleaning too, but she cleans up after herself, like washes her dishes, and she usually cleans the bathroom. But, I know she hates being treated like a maid sometimes.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling....

 

So, I guess I'm going to stay back and finish school. I've got 17 credits, and a part-time job, so what can I do to deal with the stress? How can I not let this get to me again? With school coming up, I don't want to spin out of control, so that it affects my stay at my sister's house or school.

[Moontiger]

Hey ImGrowing,

 

I think all of you need to sit down and have a long talk about this. The air needs to be cleared and boundaries need to be set up. I would asked your sister BIL and ALL the kids for a family meeting the next time everyone is home to discuss not just the household chores but also the disrespectful attitudes you are having to deal with.

 

As for your BIL, its simple enough to disprove your nieces story, when he does confront you about this ask him, "If I choked her where are the marks?" if you choke someone there will be bruises so right there you prove she has lied.

 

Furthermore, if he wants to hear about every time his children misbehave, so be it. Maybe after a certain number of calls he will have a better idea of what you do through on a daily basis.

[Jacanorie]

Just out of curiosity... You said the neice is packing to go off to college? So does that mean she'll be leaving the house soon? Because that'd solve the problem nicely without you having to really take any more action. There'd be no real need for a heavy sit down talk or any more aggressive action.

[catfeeder]

Just out of curiosity... You said the neice is packing to go off to college? So does that mean she'll be leaving the house soon? Because that'd solve the problem nicely without you having to really take any more action. There'd be no real need for a heavy sit down talk or any more aggressive action.

 

Yep, and the cousin seems to be doing a fine job of staying under the radar--I'd adopt her skills at that. It will prevent you from putting yourself behind the 8 ball, which can only stress your sister's marriage given her husband's opposing position.

[allsunny]

You are all right. I'm trying so hard to stay away now, especially after knowing how much my niece can lie. She obviously is doing fine, because she was on facebook that same morning feeling all chipper, and she was out with her friends again. Plus, she did apologize to her mom. After her mom scolded her for staying up late, when she was supposed to get ready for college, she ended up going out and sleeping at her friend's house and them here. So, so told her mom "you don't care about me." And her mom responded with "no, I feel like you don't care about me, because you didn't listen to anything I told you." From what I know, her friend has a step mom, and she pushes the boundaries with her a lot, and her real mother is kinda of crazy. I'm not saying her friend is, but her friend is making my niece feel like no one cares about her now, and that may be why she's rebeling. For her graduation in June and birthday in July, I spend a total of $1,300 on her! And every time I go to the store with my neice's and nephews, who are all older than 18, I never let them pay. And I also clean up after them. So, it's frustrating to get treated the way I get treated. This started happening when my niece was hanging out with one particular friend... it's been almost 5 months now. She's always been a spoiled brat, but she's never been as disrespectful as she has been now.

 

But, I'm definitely staying off the radar now. It sucks that I can't trust any of my family. I can't believe she fabricated the story. So, whatever. This really sucks, because I did so much for them... I know when she gets older and gets out of this dumb teenage stage, she'll feel guilty for making the family think I choked her. Right now, she feels great, because people are comforting her.

[allsunny]

Just out of curiosity... You said the neice is packing to go off to college? So does that mean she'll be leaving the house soon? Because that'd solve the problem nicely without you having to really take any more action. There'd be no real need for a heavy sit down talk or any more aggressive action.

 

Yes, me and my sister think that this is very good for her. Her brothers think so too, so I'm surprised that they got mad at me. They know how much of a brat she can be, but she buys things for them. She never does that for me, even though I spend so much on her. Plus, they're brothers and sisters... it's very hard to break that bond. But, my niece has never been under a great amount of stress. We were always there to help her get out of any mess she had. She was failing English, and needed to get an A on her final essay JUST to pass the class. If she didn't, she would have to repeat the grade or go to summer school. Guess who helped her get an A? I did. I stayed up with her many nights, and put off time to work on my college essays to make sure she passes. Of course, no one appreciates that. Her parents weren't here to help her, and her brothers didn't care to help her either. So, I can't wait for her to experience the consequences of dumb decisions. I know for sure that she's not going to do well her first semester. She did terrible on her SAT, so she had to go to a university that accepts almost anybody. She couldn't even get into mine, and mine wasn't the hardest college to get into to. I also know her study habits, so I can guarantee that she is going to struggle.

[NowandZen]

First thing - don't ever think you can get a teenager to show or feel respect. Many teens feel that everyone in the world is stupid, a sellout, unenlightened, and boring, except of course for themselves and their friends. It usually resolves around the mid 20s, though not always.

 

You want to force your niece into certain behavior. This just won't happen. You are not her mother, or drill sergeant, or warden. You can influence, but that is all.

 

God bless you though, if I had to live in the same abode with a teenager who had NO authority figures living there. Sheesh.

 

No matter what situations you face in life, you always have three choices:

 

Speak up (which you did)

Move on (or out)

Accept

 

Being full of anxiety about a situation you cannot change is well, useless.

 

You spoke up and the situation did not change. That leaves you with moving out or accepting the dirty house. (and loud noise, etc). You say you can't accept it, but look at it in terms of your choices, and you always have choices, you just may not care for them. Sometimes you have options that are less bad, as opposed to a good option and a bad one.

 

The way I see it, you can live with the situation, move back home and forget the degree, or move into a better arrangement and take out more loans. All of the options have downsides, but which are easiest for you to live with?

[allsunny]

Awesome way of dissecting this situation. Speaking up definitely didn't work. It actually backfired on me. I'm hoping that college will help her grow out of it, or being away from family. Her mom still does her laundry every weekend (washes and folds them for her), so she's going to really learn how to be independent.

 

So, right now...

 

I know I want my degree. I would regret not going to school or quitting. So quitting and going back home is not my first option.

 

Finding a new place is a little difficult. School starts in a week, and I don't have close friends or family members nearby to stay with. I've been looking for roommates online, but a week is too short to find a good place to place to stay.

 

So, I've decided to stay out of their way and just go to school and sleep here when I can. I have 17 credits next semester, so I'll definitely be very busy. I do pay my sister $300/month, so at least I won't feel like I'm just hanging out here, at least I'm helping out a little financially. I don't want to clean anymore though. After seeing my niece lie like that, and knowing that my family now thinks that I'm the bad guy, I can't get myself to go above and beyond for them. It's not fair.

 

I qualified for a loan, so I am going to move out by next semester. I am going to look through adds at school. Students are always posting room openings, so I'll do that.

 

So, She's only 18, and if her dad continues to baby her, that means I'm going to have to deal with her attitude for another 2 or 3 years. She'll probably drive home every weekend, since college is only 2 hours away. So, I need to get out of here.

[NowandZen]

It's unclear to me how much you care about your niece, but it seems like you are concerned that she will have some painful growing up to do. It's worse if you do care about her, but remember this: It's her trial to go through. Not yours, not her parents, not anyone else. SHE has to do it, and no amount of your anxiety about it will help. In other words, no matter how badly you feel about it, it won't make it any easier for her.

 

If you pay $300/ month, maybe you could put that toward a dorm, if they have last minute cancellations.

 

Namaste