Should we break up over "cheating" before we were official?

[Hollyj]

I don't actually always advise breaking up...it depends on the circumstances..there are plenty of people who don't mind being with someone who has deceived them and will look beyond that. Deception of this sort is a dealbreaker for me, but perhaps not for everyone.

 

I too, believe someone's past is an indicator of the future. Most do not change their character, it is who they are!

[DN]

I too, believe someone's past is an indicator of the future. Most do not change their character, it is who they are!

Then let's never let criminals out of jail, forgive anyone who ever hurt us or give children a second chance when they transgress. The idea that people can't change (assuming they did something wrong in the first place) is incredbily depressing.

 

It's also quite wrong and very judgmental.

[Hollyj]

Then let's never let criminals out of jail, forgive anyone who ever hurt us or give children a second chance when they transgress. The idea that people can't change (assuming they did something wrong in the first place) is incredbily depressing.

 

It's also quite wrong and very judgmental.

 

I was speaking of character. Unless you are truly repentant and want to change your ways, it won't happen. I didn't say people can't change but, it takes work.

 

You're going to the extreme! I am speaking of someone with a long pattern of deceptive behavior.

 

And what is the return rate to prison these days????

[DN]

I was speaking of character. Unless you are truly repentant and want to change your ways, it won't happen. I didn't say people can't change but, it takes work.

 

You're going to the extreme! I am speaking with someone with a long pattern of deceptive behavior.

 

And what is the return rate to prison these days????

Where does it say the man mentioned by the OP has a long pattern of deceptive behaviour.

 

I don't believe I was the one going to an extreme. I am advocating balanced reaction.

[Fudgie]

And what is the return rate to prison these days????

 

Really depends on the crime and the person.

 

Those who are addicted to drugs (and don't sober up in prison or get help) will most certainly commit crimes again to pay for those drugs. Those who come from bad areas with little schooling, well, sometimes jails have programs for them to help them get education so they can get a legitimate job once they leave. Some of those get back out, go to work, and stay out of trouble because they are no longer desperate for money.

 

Some criminals, like child molesters, are just known to never be rehabilitated. Such offenders often have an 80-90-something% repeat rate. That's why I think they should be jailed for life because you can't completely eliminate children from someone's life...unless they are in jail.

 

Back on topic, I don't know about this guy. I do think if he were a player, he would be out doing girls already, I'm sure of that.

[Hollyj]

Where does it say the man mentioned by the OP has a long pattern of deceptive behaviour.

 

I don't believe I was the one going to an extreme. I am advocating balanced reaction.

 

I don't think he had spent just this one year sleeping with multiple women, and it hadn't been a part of his background. That's not how people work.

 

He should have been forthcoming about multiple partners, and sleeping with the friend's girlfriend says a great deal about him

 

I can certainly say that my ex had a lifetime of cheating on his wife and girlfriends, and made excuses for the behavior. This guy had his own issues and was an attention-seeker-he had to know he had it going on with the ladies. Big selfish, lying user!!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

because he told me "he wasn't pursuing anyone else",

"Not pursuing anyone" meant that he wasn't hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup. Whats worse, I found out he was hooking up with his best friend's girlfriend, who is my friend too!

He apologizes endlessly, but says that since we weren't "official", its irrelevant.

 

This is a clear indication of his character. Using words to deflect what is shady behaviour. Deceptive people use ambiguous words to disguise what is really going on. They know how a person would interpret certain words so they use those words to encourage a certain interpretation even though that interpretation is not actually what is going on. Then, his apology is negated by the excuse "we weren't official". In other words, there is no remorse for what he has done, no indication that he realizes this was not above board behaviour. This is about his mindset...people can only change when they understand the wrong they have done and the pain they have caused because of it and have empathy for the other person. This guy's words don't indicate that his mindset has changed...and that means if the opportunity arises and he feels like it, he may be up to his old bag of tricks.

[DN]

The OP says this.

We have had the most wonderful relationship since we became a couple. He wants to marry me, and I know he would never cheat on me.

Why is that people are focusing on the negative only and not the positive? That is what I mean about people seeming to be happy only when they can advice people to break up. It's like misery loves company or something where no one ever gets a second chance even when the circumstances are different.

 

i know ENA has a lot of people who are suffering but that doesn't mean that everyone has to suffer as well - sometimes relationships can work out. I do wish people would be less certain of their judgments of people they haven't even met based on one set of circumstances. It's as if they feel "If I can't be happy in a relationship I'm going to try to make sure no one else is either".

 

Give the guy a chance - he has proven himself trustworthy since committing and there is no certainty he will cheat. The negativity areound here sometimes is really depressing.

[Hollyj]

Totally agree! Same behavior for my ex and other's I have known as cheats-cheated on girlfriends and wives.

[Hollyj]

I am not suffering and am in a good place. I love men and believe I will find a healthy partner. But, I truly believe that a person's past is an accurate indicator of who they will continue to be. I have found that people change when: they hit bottom, seek counseling-on their own volition- or have found God. This guy is not regretful of his behavior and that shows me, that he has not changed.

[DN]

He's not regretful because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. But he knows that cheating when committed is wrong and that is what matters now.

[Hollyj]

He's not regretful because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. But he knows that cheating when committed is wrong and that is what matters now.

 

Exactly! And, this lends to character.

 

Quotes from OP:

 

"I ended up finding out that he was dating several girls, being intimate with all of them, and deceiving all of them by not telling any of us he was also hooking up with other girls. Basically he was a Player."

 

"So, yesterday I found out that during the couple months right before we officially became a couple, he in fact WAS still seeing other girls. "Not pursuing anyone" meant that he wasn't hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup."

 

"But constantly finding out about more and more girls that he hooked up with while we were dating really bothers me and has put a strain on the relationship. Especially recently finding out about him hooking up with other girls during the period I thought we were exclusive. It hurts me because I didn't know he was the type of person that would do that, especially with his best friends girlfriend."

 

"I feel like enough is enough, there have been plenty of opportunities during our relationship to tell me everything, but I still keep finding out more and more"

 

My question: why does someone need to sleep with multiple people at one time? Blech!!!!

[DN]

Ok well have it your way. I just think it a shame when people try to destroy what could be a good relationship when clearly the guy is not cheating and is treating the OP well because their behaviour beforehand doesn't fit with your moral standpoint. No doubt the OP will make her decision and I hope she is happy thereafter.

[Hollyj]

Ok well have it your way. I just think it a shame when people try to destroy what could be a good relationship when clearly the guy is not cheating and is treating the OP well because their behaviour beforehand doesn't fit with your moral standpoint. No doubt the OP will make her decision and I hope she is happy thereafter.

 

Just going from what I have experienced and seen in the past. She also has a problem with it, or she would never have posted.

[DN]

Sure thing. Like I said - I hope she will be happy with her decision.

[Hollyj]

I do as well.

[valerie25]

I wonder if OP's now boyfriend would be happy to find out that while they were spending one year getting to know each other and working towards serious relationship she would have been sleeping with other men. It seems that this one year wasn't perceived by him as "working towards serious relationship" He has his rights to have own values, but he should have let her know that she was one of his many sexual partners so she could have had a choice....

[Batya33]

I think the problem here is miscommunications. It's very unusual to spend an entire year getting to know each other before being a couple where the getting to know each other includes sexual intercourse. Not saying that titles are everything but when you have a unique arrangement like the OP described the communication about boundaries had better be crystal clear. He's not a player IMO -he probably thought he was hanging out and hooking up with you just like he was with many other women with the slight difference being that he saw serious potential with you. But why should he have given up his other opportunities to bed other women just because he was hanging out and hooking up with you? To me anyway, if you're getting to know someone because you think there might be serious romantic potential, you date and possibly have sex, understand that you're not yet exclusive but might be down the road, and, once you get exclusive you don't date or have sex with other people. Is it possible you were too insecure to be clear and direct with him about your standards?

[pinky1]

Thanks so much everyone for your input and advice. I am a very honest person, pretty spiritual, and I strive to be a good person and promote harmony in the world. My boyfriend has told me so many times how I have influenced him to want to be a good person, and I am confident that he is a changed man. He says not telling the truth and the misleading words he gave me were because he did see potential for us and "didnt want to lose me". This is where my dilemma is, because if I had known about some of these affairs (including his best friends gf), that took place during a time where I thought we were very serious, I had taken him on trips, and put a lot into the relationship, If I knew what he was doing, he certainly WOULD HAVE lost me. Though as some of you mentioned, it is partly my fault for not having that talk with him.

 

So my problem is not that i think he will cheat again, and I know he has become a good person through many of the experiences we have shared in our relationship. But like CAD said, my self-esteem and peace of mind have been badly damaged. I just feel like I never would have been in the relationship If I knew everything, and the fact that he was hooking up with his best friends gf absolutely disgusts me and makes mes feel like i didnt know him at all.

 

Many of you have told me I can make it work If i can let it all go, but I just feel like I cant. I feel like I cant even look at him the same way knowing some of the things he did. He is a great person and bf, and I would be devastated to lose him, but right now I feel devastated either way. I just don't think things can be the same between us, I feel like our relationship was built on lies. I think I might have to take some time to myself in order to get over this and build back up my self-esteem and my understanding of the whole situation. I just don't know

[lavenderdove]

I think there are two separate issues here...

 

First, if you have not officially discussed being a couple and have not had the conversation where you have committed to each other, then you can't call it cheating if he saw anyone else, because you had not agreed to be exclusive to each other year and he had not committed to you yet.

 

I think the problem comes in if you *assumed* he was committed to you before you had that conversation such that you both understood what your seeing each other meant and how serious it was at that point in time. Without that conversation, he's not cheating on you.

 

However, there is the issue of how many people he did hook up with. If he's a guy who is used to hooking up with tons of different women, then that might be a problem if he gets bored with monogamy in a few years. When you say he hooked up with other women, do you mean 2 or 3, or 20? I think a handful wouldn't be a big deal, but if he's a guy who routinely had hookups and one night stands with tons of women, that might be a problem in future if he hasn't seriously changed his ways.

 

So my advice would be to be to keep seeing him, but to not rush into marriage, and perhaps wait a few years of being monogamous with him to make sure he can handle being monogamous permanently. And you need to make it very clear that any more hookups from now on WILL be considered cheating and if he wants to be with you, he must remain monogamous.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He says not telling the truth and the misleading words he gave me were because he did see potential for us and "didnt want to lose me".

 

Again this is very telling about his character. He didn't want to be open and honest with you because he wanted to keep you around until HE decided it was time to get serious...but in the meantime he wanted sexual variety. He was treating people like it was a strategic plan. Don't put all your cards out on the table because this way he can still maintain the best of both worlds. He knew you would walk away if you knew about all the other women, so he kept quiet in order to keep you and his playboy lifestyle. He claims he has mended his ways and become a better person...but then again this is the kind of guy who already showed that he is a smooth talker and knows how to say all the right things even though he might not actually be doing all the right things he claims.

[DN]

The exaggerated attack on this guy's character is getting ridiculous as if this guy is being prosecuted for something. I have rarely seen anything so far over the top in prejudicial interpretation except when someone has some sort of bad experience of their own that is skewing their perceptions.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The exaggerated attack on this guy's character is getting ridiculous as if this guy is being prosecuted for something. I have rarely seen anything so far over the top in prejudicial interpretation except when someone has some sort of bad experience of their own that is skewing their perceptions.

 

I think his words and actions say it all. I guess some people like Hilary Clinton can excuse that kind of behaviour (deception and lies) but not everyone is so inclined.

[Hollyj]

The exaggerated attack on this guy's character is getting ridiculous as if this guy is being prosecuted for something. I have rarely seen anything so far over the top in prejudicial interpretation except when someone has some sort of bad experience of their own that is skewing their perceptions.

 

DN,

 

Do you think it is acceptable to have sex with your best friend's girlfriend? I think it is beyond sleazy!

 

Curious, have you done/do similar behavior?

[DN]

DN,

 

Do you think it is acceptable to have sex with your best friend's girlfriend?

No, of course not but the OP should have said that from the beginning. I take back nothing that I said from her first post but I do wish people would not leave out important details only to use them later on to 'bolster their case'. It's a waste of time and effort responding to people who do that.

 

OP - I think you should do both of you a favour and break up with him permanently.