I Am No Longer Attracted to Men My Own Age - Need Advice

[Silverbirch]

My BU happened about 10 weeks ago. I was with him 4 years. The week he turned 50, he became particularly * * * * * ly and I had thought was depressed. I had absolutely adored this man although he is considered by his family to be "difficult". I thought he was my best friend and the most wonderful person I knew. Basically, he dumped me saying he was no longer in love with me. I've been totally devastated. Prior to that relationship, I was with another man for 10 years. He was a couple of years older than me. Around the time he turned 50, his behaviour changed. Whilst he had always been quite volatile, the changes in him were very dramatic, and he was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Whether or not it was part of the illness or just him, he became the sleaziest womaniser you could know. A woman he worked with accused him of stalking and harrasing her. A woman at his gymnasium went to police accusing him of threatening her. I caught him red-handed with 2 women. He lied his way out of a lot of things, and for a while after the bipolar was diagnosed, I attributed these things to the illness, telling myself that once he became stable on the medication, things would be right again. Well,they never were and so I never went back to him after I caught him with the second woman.

 

When I met my last partner, I thought happiness had finally come my way. He has nothing in the looks department. He's very overweight and lost a lot of his hair, just ordinary facial features, and has had lots of health, family, financial and job issues. Once again, I thought, "I really love this man, I know he is a good person and he loves me, so I will stand by him." I was proven wrong on all accounts.

 

To shorten a long boring story, whilst I am not planning on entering another relationship - maybe not even ever again, I realised last night when I went out, that I am no longer attracted to men my own age - I'm 51. Up until this last breakup, people often told me I looked a lot younger than my age. I have a good figure and slightly mediterranean complexion, and I've taken care of myself, and I love clothes and make-up. I've spent most of the last 3 months crying and hardly ate for the first month resulting in a substantial weight loss and some sickness, but now on the mend. I'm eating healthy, exercising and I've even booked in to have the stress marks removed from my face.

 

Anyway, I had noticed that when I see men, mostly men around my own age group, I feel revulsion. Sorry if you are around my age group, but it seems to me that nearly all of the men I have seen in my age group are overweight, dress like slobs, and when I think of the men I was involved with, I always knew they had double-standards when it came to women. My ex even told me he was only attracted to very slim, pretty women and I found he dumped a girlfriend because she was overweight(though not nearly as overweight as him), and he said he couldn't feel attracted to her. Now that I'm away from both of these men, I can see how demanding, chauvinistic, arrogant and boring they are, and that just sickens me.

 

I would so like to be proven wrong, but it seems to me that a lot of men in my own age group seem almost like they are from another era to me, and apart from a crush on Viggo Mortensen, the actor, I am feeling revolted by men my own age. On the other hand, I know that I have seen some men in their late 30's, very early 40's attractive in both looks and at least more attractive in personality than men my own age.

 

I would hardly describe myself as a Sex in the City Samantha-type, but I'm probably not like most women my own age either. Do you think I am sounding unrealistic/unreasonable. Are there other women here prepared to post who are in relationships/involvements with younger men or have been in the past. What are your thoughts. Do you think this change in attraction is likely to be temporary? Have you found most men in the age group I described to be difficult and ultimately eventually unattractive/repugnant? Thank you in advance if anyone is game to reply.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Perhaps what you need to do instead of looking towards younger men, is to re-evaluate the type of men you were attracted to. These two men did not suddenly wake up at 50 and become rotten people. There were probably rotten signs you overlooked throughout the 10 year span. You said that your latest ex was considered "difficult" by his family. He was probably always "difficult" but you loved him and worked around it until he ended things. I suspect that even if you went after a younger man, you will choose the same personality type. It is not the age that is the problem, it is the type of men you are choosing.

[lavenderdove]

Well, you said yourself that your ex is very overweight, balding, nothing to look at, yet you still loved him. So obviously a guy doesn't have to be young and handsome for you to be in love.

 

You're only 10 weeks post break up from a 4 year relationship, so you're not going to be inclined to find anyone too attractive unless he is Viggo and you can't help it! And i think that dating when you're older becomes less about looks and more about compatability, so if you give some guy who is 'normal' but not Viggo a chance, you might again fall in love and find him attractive.

 

When i'm in love, i find everything about the person i love endearing, and am happy to be with him and don't notice the looks so much. Seeing someone thru the eyes of love really does forgive all kinds of flaws that age brings, so i think the issue is you're not yet ready to fall in love because you're still grieving your ex, and when you do get over him and become emotionally available again, you won't be such a harsh critic of looks. Right now your brain is ONLY wanting the ex, so until that stops, everyone you meet will be judged harshly.

[Silverbirch]

 

Hi Crazyaboutdogs, re my ex ex, I had been with him for 8 years and he had NEVER gambled. He was a very good with money and had a good nest egg. Within a few months of the bipolar kicking in, he had become so addicted to poker machines and spending that he had to begin processes to declare bankruptcy. So with him, whilst it may have not been "overnight", it was definitely very quick and medical/psychiatric opinion linked it to "mania" which did happen close to him turning 50.

 

In the week my most recent ex turned 50, he told me crying how 50 was such a big milestone for him and that everything in his life was such a disappointment. Said that when he was a young man, everybody including himself thought that he was going to do something really great with his life. I thought he had actually done some great things with his life, but he obviously didn't. For my ex, 50 was a very significant time to re-evaluate his life. Interestingly, as far as I know, he has made no changes to any of the things he complained about, namely job, family, money - mostly because he isn't able to. He did however dump me. I still have text messages from him from 3 weeks before being dumped telling me he loved and adored me. Then the week he turns 50, he tells me he is no longer in love with me. Yes, he was always difficult, but he wasn't always how he was in that week. I'm not trying to be difficult with you myself even though it might seem so. It's been difficult for me to get my head around. I still haven't got my head around it except to know that it is permanent as far as he is concerned.

 

I still can't see that my exes were a lot alike. My ex ex was definitely the one who chose me,pursuing me to great lengths. I wasn't interested in him at all to start with. With my most recent ex, we were friends to start with and I suppose you would say we fell in love or at least that's what I thought happened. The reason I felt so attracted to him was that he seemed everything my previous partner wasn't. My son agrees with that, and was elated when we got together. He ended up hating the ex ex. My breakup with the most recent ex has stunned and hurt my grown up son who thought we were just perfect together and assumed we would be together forever as did other people who knew us well.

[Silverbirch]

Lavenderdove, thanks for your reply. You're right about looks having not been important to me, but it is truly scary to me what happens to some men at midlife. I know I couldn't be with anyone for sometime yet - maybe never - but I am telling the truth when I say that I feel revolted if I see a middle-aged man, but sometimes if I see a younger man, I can think he is attractive. I can see that if I was with a younger man, eventually if he lived long enough and we stayed together, well he would turn 50 too!!!LOL!

[elcie]

I can certainly understand why you would feel an aversion for men more your age after what you have been through. I mean, two of your exs changed in a negative way when they turned 50!!! Of course you would be asking yourself...is this what always happens when men reach a certain age? Maybe, it's a case of, the older the man, the more emotional baggage there is.

 

Also too, when people think about the sort of person they attracted to, quite often they are looking for someone who has qualities that they want in themselves.

 

For example, younger people might be looking for someone older because they are perceived as being mature,confident and experienced; qualities they might wish for themselves.

 

Conversely, older people might be attracted by the youth, energy and enthusiasm of someone younger, qualities they might wish to recapture or hang on to.

 

Of course, all this goes out the window once you actually meet that special individual. When that someone comes along, their age wont matter to you.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Elcie. I feel understood.

[Batya33]

Lavenderdove, thanks for your reply. You're right about looks having not been important to me, but it is truly scary to me what happens to some men at midlife. I know I couldn't be with anyone for sometime yet - maybe never - but I am telling the truth when I say that I feel revolted if I see a middle-aged man, but sometimes if I see a younger man, I can think he is attractive. I can see that if I was with a younger man, eventually if he lived long enough and we stayed together, well he would turn 50 too!!!LOL!

 

Why do you think that a love of clothes and makeup and looking younger than you are is going to attract younger men? It will attract the type of men who are attracted to women who like nice clothes and makeup. I think it's really important to look your best to enforce feeling your best on the inside (and because it's great to look healthy!) but many people I know are far more attracted to someone with bright eyes and a healthy glow who is fit and wears clothes that fit properly/are flattering than someone who obviously takes pains with makeup and clothes. Nothing wrong with loving to dress up -I used to (a lot more- no time these days and it's impractical much of the time) - but I have found not just with my husband but in general that men are attracted to me when I carry myself with confidence, look healthy and alert/positive and have messy kind of hair (and clothes that are attractive and look like they'd come off easily -that's just my personal observation).

My husband and I are turning 45 - I think we both look good and young for our age and his age or whether he is aging doesn't occur to me - not a factor in my attraction to him. If it had been a large factor I don't think we would be married now.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I agree with laven. Apparently looks aren't that important to you if you dated unattractive guys and fell in love with them. What I think you need now is to take a break from relationships and have some fun. Date whoever you want, younger or older, and see what it is you really feel and want.

[Elaine Marley]

Hi Silverbirch,

 

I felt compelled to reply as I am one of those women who have almost exclusively dated younger men since I was in my mid-30s. However, I have to say... I think a lot of your revulsion to men your age or older stems from how shoddily you have been treated by the men in your life. This will not be cured by dating a younger man. I'm not saying that it's not impossible to date one, I'm just saying that you have a lot of issues tied to your previous relationships. You have dealt with a lot in these past relationships, the mental illness, etc.

 

Sure, I bet you could land a younger man if you want to, esp if you are attractive. But know that those kind of relationships have their own pitfalls.

 

Disclaimer: I am married to a man almost eleven years my junior. We have had our ups and downs but bottom line is that he is very much in love with me and we are working through our own unique issues. Age is not the issue, not at all. All relationships have their issues.

 

If you want to date younger, then do it. Nothing wrong with that. If you change your mind and want to date older, then do that too...! What I think would help you most, however, is taking a break from dating and relationships and focusing on yourself. Rediscover who YOU are before going back out there finding a partner. I sense from your postings that this is the best course for you -- invest in you, your interests, your talents, etc. You come off as a very passionate person, so you should find a way to channel that energy and not worry about dating at this point in time.

 

Who knows what will happen after that -- you may find that younger man of your dreams or even that older man you didn't expect. Learn to be happy with yourself first.

 

Take care of yourself, okay?

[Silverbirch]

Bataya,

I think you have misunderstood my reference to the fact that I like nice clothes and makeup, but that is probably because my posting was a bit eratic. What I was largely trying to say was that at least in the country where I live, a lot of men who are my age have really let themselves go. They are overweight (statistics can support this) and they are very sloppy in their dress. Perhaps partly because my parentage is European, I do have an appreciation for style. It is part of who I am, and I make no apologies for that. It irks me (and other women I have known) that whilst a lot of men of that era take so little pride in their own appearances, they have very high expectations and standards for the women who they choose to be with. So what it is that I find most unattractive is not the fact that the men are overweight or slobs, but that they are chauvinist and have double-standards.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs and thanks Sparkly!

[Silverbirch]

Thank you for your supportive and insightful post Elaine. I guess when I say dating, I mean going out with people. I do have female friends, but they are mostly stay-at-homes for various reasons, like children, money or else they spend their lives in paddocks with horses. It would be nice to go to dinner with male companions - if it is at all possible that there are men who do like to just go out for dinner and conversation. Not sure whether that is genuine dating or not.

 

Yes, I do have several passions which I'm pursuing - my passion for horses and animals - and my professional passion for understanding as much as I can about autism spectrum disorder. It does appear that I'm gaining a good reputation for working with people with this disorder.

 

I guess at the end of the day though, maybe not all of us, but a lot of us do miss a connection with people. I'm not wanting a sexual connection. Do you think that there are men who are interested in going out to dinner, etc without it necessarily leading to anything physical or an exclusive "relationship". Is that unrealistic?

[Batya33]

I get the sense that you are highly critical of others and quick to label other people -men and women. I always found it difficult to connect with people who were focused on boxing me in or categorizing me whether as a "high powered professional" or your flip reference to "stay at homes". Maybe if you are a bit more openminded and focused on treating people as individuals you will find the dinner companions you seek.

 

How about transferring some of the openmindedness I am sure you use in your very challenging and hopefully rewarding work to how you deal with people socially?

[mad rabbits]

I know what you mean Silver about Australian men of middle age having little pride in their appearance. It's part of the traditional australian standard of masculinity - there's that idea that as a man if you take care of how you look you are gay or effeminate. I dont think other cultures have that idea to the same degree. And it's true that younger guys tend to adopt a more cosmopolitan and international viewpoint.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Mad Rabbits,

Good to see you. My parents told me that when they were young, it was so much worse. Men who used deodorant or wore any color shirt except for white or blue were considered effeminate. I have to say that a lot of the men who work in the city in Melbourne look great.

 

Anyway, I just joined this group, and a few similar ones which might address my social needs for dining out (and brushing up on foreign language)

 

link removed

[sadchick83]

Hey Silver, I totally know how you feel. I am not attracted to men my age or older either. I am open to being with someone my age, but men my age and older just don't appeal to me. The last time I dated and older man was about 13 years ago. I'm not saying I would rule out a guy my age or older, its just that I do not see many who look after themselves with regards to fitness, health and appearance.

 

DOnt fight it, just keep an open ming and go with the flow.

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks SadChick. Good to know I'm not alone.

[Blue Spiral]

Do you think that there are men who are interested in going out to dinner, etc without it necessarily leading to anything physical or an exclusive "relationship". Is that unrealistic?

 

I think the no-sex part is unrealistic, as I can't imagine that age would make sex that unimportant, unless there was some medical stuff going on.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Blue Spiral,

Would you suggest I try screening for men who have health issues with their prostate glands??

[Silverbirch]

Hi Blue Spiral,

Would you suggest I try screening for men who have health issues with their prostate glands??

[Sparkly Eyes]

Hi Blue Spiral,

Would you suggest I try screening for men who have health issues with their prostate glands??

 

Why don't you want sex? You mean you never want to have sex ever again?!

[Miss Firecracker]

Ooooh, you're scaring me, Silverbirch. My husband is 52 and now I'll be waiting for him to morph.

 

Sorry the old men were so horrid to you. I don't blame you for being afraid of them after what you witnessed.

 

I really haven't noticed men changing at that age myself, if that makes you feel any better. I think you just had some terribly bad luck.

[Silverbirch]

Why don't you want sex? You mean you never want to have sex ever again?!

 

Not right now Sparky

[Silverbirch]

Ooooh, you're scaring me, Silverbirch. My husband is 52 and now I'll be waiting for him to morph.

 

Sorry the old men were so horrid to you. I don't blame you for being afraid of them after what you witnessed.

 

I really haven't noticed men changing at that age myself, if that makes you feel any better. I think you just had some terribly bad luck.

 

Hi MissF,

I think you would have known by now if it was going to happen. As far as I know, none of bros-in-laws got it.