How to approach my GF's weight issue

[thejigsup]

I was with a man for almost 12 years who was anything but fit. When you are with someone you generally develop their eating and life habits to some extent. I gained a lot of weight (50 lbs) while I was with him, which I didn't care for but he actually liked! He passed away a couple of months ago and I have gone back to my healthy eating ways and exercising daily. I have lost a lot of that weight and it keeps coming off! Any new man I date will have to eat like me, all veggies and a little lean meat here and there, no soda, only water or V8, and excerise of some kind EVERY DAY! This is how I was living when I met him and how I want to live now. If you want your gf to lose weight, adopt this lifestyle with her. DON'T eat much meat or carbs, DON'T skip a day of physical activity. Just to it with her and watch the weight melt off of her.

[lavenderdove]

If this is strictly not a 'looks' issue and more that you are a fitness buff, then perhaps you need a woman who is really into sports or fitness herself. Some people really value compassion and kindness in a partner, while others value buns of steel! if you're the type where physical looks/fitness is paramount, then she probably isn't the girl for you. Just keep in mind that EVERYONE ages and no matter who you are with she won't keep that same look forever, nor will you.

 

But if you are even contemplating dumping someone based on looks, then i'd also have to say you probably aren't totally in love with her. When you fall deeply in love, things like looks and fitness don't take paramount importance in the relationship. I've been in love with someone to the point where he gained 50 lbs due to medication for an illness, then at another time was skeleton thin due to fighting that illness, and frankly it never crossed my mind to think of dumping the person and found him attractive and exciting at both ends of the spectrum. I'd have taken him as is at 300 lbs or 100 lbs, hands down, no question.

 

So perhaps if you are agonizing over 10-20 lbs, you just don't love her enough to still feel the spark when her physical body doesn't meet your ideal. Most people truly in love don't let that get to them, or even really notice all that much. Sure, they may look better by an objective standard at a certain weight, but if you contemplate dumping someone over 10-20 lbs, you're just not in love with her enough to go the distance with her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I totally agree. I will also say that I have witnessed people who force their partner into eating like them and the partner who is forced into it loses their sense of self and their sense of autonomy. Nobody should force their partner to follow their eating habits. Everyone is an individual and chooses how they eat. It becomes very controlling to ram a diet and exercise routine down a partner's throat, particularly under the implied threat of "I won't love you anymore if you don't look the way I want you to look". That's not a relationship...that's a guard/prisoner type of scenario.

[Moontiger]

Maybe if you weigh 300 lbs it does.

 

 

I usually bounce between 123 to 128 on any given day (I'm 5'6"). A five to seven pound fluctuation is very normal for a healthy person.

[FathomFear]

So perhaps if you are agonizing over 10-20 lbs, you just don't love her enough to still feel the spark when her physical body doesn't meet your ideal. Most people truly in love don't let that get to them, or even really notice all that much. Sure, they may look better by an objective standard at a certain weight, but if you contemplate dumping someone over 10-20 lbs, you're just not in love with her enough to go the distance with her.

 

I agree, and the same concept applies to other scenarios. For example, what if the OP's girlfriend were in a horrific accident and suddenly found herself with severe burns on her face? What if she lost her legs? etc. While these things are not within the realm of control in the same way body weight is, they are still things that can happen which alter appearance. If you find yourself losing attraction with fluctuations in appearance, it's usually a good sign there isn't much holding the relationship together outside of physical appearance. If she were intellectually stimulating, funny, witty, shared similar interests, etc, I highly doubt a minor weight gain would even register on the radar.

[Oneironaut]

I have to admit, I was surprised to find out it was only 10-20 lbs....like someone else said, I was expecting 50 or more.

 

That being said, it sounds like she just isn't as fitness-oriented as you are, so I would suggest finding someone who is, and letting your SO find someone who does find her attractive. Those guys are certainly out there...I'm full-figured, and my boyfriend would lose his mind if I lost too much weight, lol...to each their own, of course, but the point is there's no way to force her to adhere to a diet and exercise routine. She has to want to do that for herself, not to please you.

[greywolf]

To each his own. Personally speaking, I don't notice weight gains in people unless it's very significant. I mean, our weight fluctuates around 8 pounds on a given day as it is. Is she incredibly short?

 

I'm 5'3" and 10 lbs on me is a huge difference.

[90_hour_sleep]

i think as others have suggested, this comes down to a concern of lifestyle. it has less to do with physical attractiveness...and more to do with a general level of attractiveness that i think most people would deem at least marginally important in terms of long term relationship candidates. from your posts...i don't gather that this is in the realm of a superficial concern. it's troubling to you...and that matters. it's causing conflict with your vision of a future together. it's a relationship hurdle. i get the impression that you're quite sensitive to her emotional well-being...so the approach you've taken makes alot of sense. i wonder though...does it really address the issue? she seems to be operating under the impression that your concern is for her physical appearance, while from the sounds of things...that isn't entirely true. attractiveness is a complicated issue...and it can never be narrowed down to one point that really tips the scales. maybe it's time to be honest with her. perhaps you can do so in such a way where you remove the focus from her...and keep it in terms of how you are feeling. this really is your issue. and it's up to you to help her to understand how you're feeling.

 

maybe the bottom line is this: can you live with someone who doesn't share this particular lifestyle value with you? really don't get the impression that this is motivated by a lack of love. people leave loving relationships every day for a multitude of different reasons. perhaps more troubling would be those cases where couples remain in stagnant (albeit loving relationships) solely for the sake of love. love does not conquer all. if that were the case...the word ''compatibility'' wouldn't exist in terms of human relationships. you may very well love a person.. completely wholly accept that person for who she is...and yet, not hold a vision of a life together in your heart. if things remain unchanged...you may find yourself stagnating further and further. thejigsup's made reference to something similar (although, maybe it wasn't a feeling of stagnation on her behalf). not every relationship will be the right relationship for you to grow and expand. i think if you continue to compromise something which you feel quite strongly about...you risk 'losing yourself' in certain respects. i think there's a risk that you not only compromise yourself in this manner...but you also risk hemming her into a little box, where she may have a tendency to feel quite small. if it's just not in her...no amount of prompting or coaxing will change that. in fact...it will probably have the effect of dividing...building resentment. perhaps you've already noticed that to some degree?

 

maybe it is a case of love though. you're the only one who can know that. in either case...i believe you owe it to yourself, to her, to the relationship...to attempt to bridge the gap here. continue the relationship as it is at your own peril. something's gotta give. keep in mind...no obstacle is insurmountable when two people can effectively communicate together. the idea is to build understanding. assumptions go out the door...and all you're left with is clarity. it may lead to a strengthened relationship...it may lead to the demise of the relationship. but that choice will only become truly clear if you both understand where the other is coming from. you know? it may not feel good to explore the options. it may terrify you. but it's a price worth paying if you're keen on a fulfilling relationship. you know?

 

hope you figure things out.

[reboundstudent]

I mentioned this in passing in my last post, but I think it bears mentioning again.... It's possible that the problem is not so much about the gf not being a "fitness buff," but being depressed.

 

Depression does awful things to not only your emotional well-being and your self-esteem, but your body and energy level as well. It doesn't sound as if your gf is happy in general... Sneaking sugary snacks because it's "easier" than eating healthy food in the house sounds like emotional eating. It'd be one thing if she'd always been this way, but you say she used to be active, enjoy running, etc, but now she just wants to sit around and is too tired to really take care of herself physically.

 

Really encourage your girlfriend to see a therapist and maybe find an activity that isn't so much about fitness but will get her out of the house, away from food, and doing something that makes her feel good about herself... What does she enjoy doing? What are her favorite activities?