How to approach my GF's weight issue

[gravity]

In the 3 years we have been together my GF has been slowly letting herself go physically to the point where I no longer find her attractive.

 

When we met in college, she was more physically active on a daily basis but now she works two office jobs where she just sits around all day.

 

She complains about her body, but doesn't do anything about it consistently. I've tried to help both diet wise and activity-wise but she never really sticks with anything for more than a month. Basically, the issue is as soon as she starts to loose weight, her breasts (the one part of her body she feels good about) get smaller and so she stops, regains the weight and then some and keeps having poor body image. . . rinse and repeat.

 

I feel like I can't push the issue without her getting angry. Can't point out that the salad we bought for her is rotting in the fridge while she eats cookies instead for lunch "because it's easier". Can't ask her to join me for my jog in the mornings anymore either apparently.

 

I just feel like it's a losing battle at this point. If she can't be active in her mid 20s then how is she going to look later in life? What impact would that have on our potential kids? our sex life?

 

I guess I'm wondering how I can communicate my feelings about the issue (which is obviously a sensitive issue) in a constructive way because I'm finally at my breaking point and don't want to be in a relationship with a person I don't find attractive.

[crosbyfan]

You're right, it's a pretty sensitive issue. You haven't really stated how much weight your girlfriend has put on, is it enough to effect her physical well being?

 

First of all, you're perfectly entitled to your feelings, and if it effecting your sex life, it's a problem within your relationship.

 

It sounds as if your GF is having a tough time transitioning from College to the working world and may be taking some solace in food. Also if she's working two jobs, it may be tough for her to find the energy to exercise.

 

A couple of suggestions;

 

Find an activity that the two of you can do together. I know that you mentioned your morning jog, but that can be a daunting task to an overweight person. How about suggesting a walk each night after dinner? Is there a sport that you might both enjoy playing? Frisbee, Soccer or Baseball? You might try joining a team together.

 

As far as food, keep suggesting healthy alternatives. Offer to cook her dinner or make her lunch.

 

At the end of the day, the desire to lose weight has to be her choice for herself and not to make you happy. I would suggest not mentioning that you find her physically unappealing unless as an absolute last resort.

[Firiel]

Oh geez... yeah, that's a tough position to be in. How much weight has she gained?

 

The problem is that, while you can be supportive and encourage her, in the end, it's all her call. She can decide to get healthy again or she can choose to keep going down the path she is. If you're going to talk to her, I would do it from the viewpoint of health. "Honey, you don't seem as vibrant as you used to." "I want to be with you for a long time, and I'm worried that your habits will cut that time short." Something along those lines. Saying you are not attracted to her anymore (while both true and understandable) will probably only depress her and perpetuate the eating cycle.

 

I would also suggest less daunting activities like walks or sports, and offering to cook dinners for her is an excellent idea (especially if you live together). If you do live together, you can talk to her about keeping unhealthy food out of the house. That's something my husband and I do... we only buy sweets/fatty snacks on rare occasions because if they aren't in the house, we can't eat them.

 

For the record, my husband recently lost about 80 pounds... I was able to help him out by cooking for him and such, but the decision was completely his. I could have never made it for him...

[DN]

I can understand people saying "don't tell her you are finding her unattractive" but I wonder if that is fair. Let's assume for a moment that she doesn't respond to all the alternative suggestions and continues to gain weight. Then at some point you find you either cannot have sex with her properly or even can't be with her at all and end the relationship.

 

What would you say to her if you broke up - what reason would you give? The truth or something that was basically a lie?

 

And had she known that you were finding her unattractive could she not say "Had you told me the truth it would have been the one thing that would have got me to lose weight to save the relationship - was I not owed the truth when I could have done something about it"

 

All the alternatives in helping her lose weight are good suggestions - but only if they work. What if they don't?

 

Why are we always told to tell the truth and be honest with our partners - except over issues like this which may end up breaking up the relationship?

 

The above are not statements but real questions. Are partners owed the truth in situations like this or not?

[annie24]

Ugh, I mean it is painful, but maybe it's time to tell her that you are feeling less attracted? I know that Dan Savage (sex advice columnist) writes about this issue often. If you meet a partner one way, and then they change, do you have an obligation to stay with them? no. Same goes if you met her when she was full figured, then dieted her way down to skin and bones and you are no longer attracted. Or you met a goth girl, and over time, she turned into a preppie girl. How much weight has she gained?

 

My boobs shrink too when I lose weight, but the rest of me does as well, so things look more proportionate. I also struggle with my weight so I understand. Of course, cookies are not a healthy lunch, no matter what your size is. And they're not going to do anything good for your health or energy levels either.

 

good luck. i hope you get some positive results, one way or another.

[gravity]

she hasn't gained lots of weight by many people's standards maybe 10-20 lbs (Upon reflection, a better statement would be that I see her as unattractive more than half the time, not always). But it's a growing trend, and her entire family is overweight, a few I would even consider morbidly obese. I could never be with someone with the body type as her mother for example. We've talked about her family's weight and he said how much she would hate to end up like that (and I've expressed that I couldn't do that either) but she doesn't seem to see how her behavior today is tied to later outcomes.

 

I've tried to build a regular morning routine into our lives since she is busy. But 15 min of pilates 3 times a week doesn't do much.

I've suggested a low level team sport we could maybe do with friends and been flatly rejected ever time.

We used to run together last fall for a while, these days it's completely out of the question.

I do cook dinner most nights, but keeping unhealthy foods out is not something she does for any long periods. Lunch is a serious issue, when alone she'll just eat whats "convenient" ie "unhealthy" and ignore the healthy stuff we already have.

 

I feel like I've tried everything, but things keep getting slowly worse. DN touches on the problem I have. How can I communicate that we are reaching deal-breaker status here without coming of as negative?

[tresqua]

You gotta do it man.

 

Tell her you've got to "talk". Sit her down and tell her that you love her but due to the weight gain you don't find her attractive and that part of a relationship is a "must have", and you're considering pulling the plug; and you're giving her the opportunity to make a few hard choices. She's gotta adopt a healthy life style, no more ice cream in the freezer or chocolate bars in the pantry, she's got to dedicate a certain number of hours per week to a regular planned exercise routine or you're done. Odds are she'll either get defensive and do nothing, or make a half assed attempt to lose the weight but in reality nothings going to happen because it's gotta be something SHE wants. Ultimately you'll leave her and she'll get depressed and eat even more but that won't be your problem anymore.

[caseh]

'She complains about her body, but doesn't do anything about it consistently.'

 

Thats the trigger right there, the next time she complains suggest a diet (look into something thats high in protein, low fat, low carbs in advance) and offer to do it with her. You don't even need to approach the situation, she keeps doing it for you. Be assertive but supportive!

 

Even if it starts an argument i cant see it being something that would break you up, you clearly care about her and if she listens she should see that aspect as well.

 

Best of luck though, not an easy situation to be in.

[FathomFear]

When I read your post I assumed you were talking about 60-80 pounds or something substantial. But do you honestly find that 10-20 pounds is a breaking point between being attractive and unattractive? Are you certain you aren't using this as a scapegoat for other issues you're having in the relationship?

[reboundstudent]

It's good that you've been suggested stuff... But have you asked her what she enjoys? What physical activities is she drawn to? She might flat out refuse doing the sports and jogging you suggest because she really doesn't like that stuff (I HATE running. Hate hate hate.)

 

You might also want to suggest therapy for her. It sounds like she doesn't have so much a weight problem as a depression problem. Working two jobs can run anybody down, and one of the big symptoms of depression is a lose of enjoyment in things and a lack of energy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When I read your post I assumed you were talking about 60-80 pounds or something substantial. But do you honestly find that 10-20 pounds is a breaking point between being attractive and unattractive? Are you certain you aren't using this as a scapegoat for other issues you're having in the relationship?

 

Yep, I agree with this. Also sounds like you are in panic mode because you think she is going to get obese like her family.

 

I just looked at your other threads and it seems that this has been an unsettled relationship for a long time. She emotionally cheated on you at one point and you know that when she was single she had relationships with men who already had girlfriends. I suspect the 10 or so pound gain is not the real issue here...I think it is all the other stuff that has been going on throughout the course of the relationship which is adding up.

[gravity]

FF. Yup, Going from curvy and fit (Attractive to me) and adding 10-20 lbs of fat leads to curvy with a few extra pounds and no longer fit is means I don't see her as physically attractive. YMMV.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you confront the issue as a couple, and approach from that angle. Play up the fact that you want to be more active and spend time with her while doing it. Start off with walks then go from there.

[gravity]

DW - Thats what I have been doing up to this point. I'm just not sure how I can dial that up any more.

 

CAD - We've pretty much worked through all that actually. This very well might be just another thing to pile on the 'cons' which tips the scales. Definitely keeping the bigger picture in mind.

[Moontiger]

I think that you confront the issue as a couple, and approach from that angle. Play up the fact that you want to be more active and spend time with her while doing it. Start off with walks then go from there.

 

I agree with this. Tell her YOU want a healthier life style and for her to help you with that. Tell her that she can support you by keep cookies etc out of the house, going on walks, bike rides, with you. You could also ask her to go in on a gym membership with you.

 

Bu I do have to say, 10lbs is NOT a lot and as you get older both you and whom every you end up with will gain weight, things will start to sag, the body you meet a person in is not the body they end up with at the end. Just something to keep in mind and reflect on.

[Day_Walker]

The approach has to be that you dont feel as close to her as you did, that you feel some distance between you two and that you want to interact with her more.

[superfox]

Although I'm all for the truth in relationships I haven't a clue how I'd feel if my SO told me he didn't find me attractive half the time! Any famous women or celebs with a similar bodyshape you can mention and say how much more attractive they used to look? Or start a convo asking what she doesn't find attractive in you then go from there?

[Calvin68]

If she put on as much s 20 pounds in her 20's and obesity runs in her family, it's fair to assume she will continue to pack it on.

You have to have a discussion with her. She has to want to change for herself, not just you, and she has to be willing to work at it. Lots of people want to be thinner. But it's hard work and takes dedication. If she's not willing to do that, cut her loose. Neither one of you will be happy in the long run together.

[FathomFear]

FF. Yup, Going from curvy and fit (Attractive to me) and adding 10-20 lbs of fat leads to curvy with a few extra pounds and no longer fit is means I don't see her as physically attractive. YMMV.

 

To each his own. Personally speaking, I don't notice weight gains in people unless it's very significant. I mean, our weight fluctuates around 8 pounds on a given day as it is. Is she incredibly short?

[tresqua]

our weight fluctuates around 8 pounds on a given day as it is.

 

Maybe if you weigh 300 lbs it does.

[FathomFear]

Maybe if you weigh 300 lbs it does.

 

When you throw in meals and water retention, you can very easily fluctuate that much depending on when you weigh yourself. While 8 might be on the high end of the spectrum, I suspect you're looking at 3-5 minimum.

[gravity]

To each his own. Personally speaking, I don't notice weight gains in people unless it's very significant. I mean, our weight fluctuates around 8 pounds on a given day as it is. Is she incredibly short?

 

Guess we are different then. I find personal fitness to be a major factor when it comes to attraction. I'm not saying she's a fatty (she isn't), but her fitness level (call it weight or whatever) has changed enough for it to alter my perception of her to a point where it is an issue for me, especially considering long-term relationship potential.

[Firiel]

Maybe if you weigh 300 lbs it does.

 

Or, you know, a lot less than that... I know my weight can fluctuate within 8 lbs. in a day on occasion. Usually mine only fluctuates 4-5, but I'm quite light.

 

OP, I think you will have to tell her you are less attracted to her eventually, if she doesn't pick up on your "health" hints. I bet she already suspects it because you have been encouraging her to lose weight. I can see why you are worried considering her family's obesity problem and her own growing inactivity. I agree that 10 pounds is not a big deal in the long run if there is no indication that it will get out of control... but family history and personal choices seem to indicate 10 pounds is only the beginning.

 

Just for more information, do you know for sure how much she's gained or are you estimating? If you are estimating, it's possible she gained more and you just don't realize it...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Guess we are different then. I find personal fitness to be a major factor when it comes to attraction. I'm not saying she's a fatty (she isn't), but her fitness level (call it weight or whatever) has changed enough for it to alter my perception of her to a point where it is an issue for me, especially considering long-term relationship potential.

 

You might have a tough time whomever you are with..because not everyone chooses the fitness route when they get older (40's, 50's)...in fact, it might very well be you who will develop the thickening waist and stomach as you get busier with life into your 40's and 50's.

[gravity]

You might have a tough time whomever you are with..because not everyone chooses the fitness route when they get older (40's, 50's)...in fact, it might very well be you who will develop the thickening waist and stomach as you get busier with life into your 40's and 50's.

 

Yep, I understand that many people don't place as much value on fitness as I do, those people just aren't a good match for me but I don't think It's to much to ask personally. Maybe that is what's happening here in my current situation. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Gotta figure out where I draw the line and how to communicate that to my SO.