Potentily doing REALLY Stupid thing...meeting abusive ex

[SapphireNoir10]

For all I know he want to go on about how awesome she is and how awesome his life is since me

[90_hour_sleep]

Yes...hes been on my msn since we split up and he just said hello. We talked for a bit before he suggested catching up in person.

 

And he said he'd let me know all about her and them...he hasnt hidden her from me or belittled their relationship. Im an ex fiance from nearly four years ago. NOT someone coming in between them.

 

maybe you could ask him if his current girlfriend is aware of the meeting...if she's okay with it...if from her perspective it's completely reasonable? i get that you wouldn't have a problem if you were in her shoes...but there are many women who would have a problem (for empirical evidence see threads on jealousy you know?

 

curious about the title of your thread. ''REALLY stupid...'' that bit sticks out. what feels stupid about it?

[LoveSoDeep]

Yes...hes been on my msn since we split up and he just said hello. We talked for a bit before he suggested catching up in person.

 

And he said he'd let me know all about her and them...he hasnt hidden her from me or belittled their relationship. Im an ex fiance from nearly four years ago. NOT someone coming in between them.

 

Uh...that's what you think...what would she think? I think she would see you as a huge threat especially b/c you are in the same country he is and she can't be. evenif he has no intentions of trying to get you back this could spell disaster for them. I wouldn't do it anyone who treated you that badly doesn't deserve it....the only way I'd do it is if it were a bunch of old friends getting together in a gorup.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im just super curious. I really am.

 

I dont see how meeting an ex for coffee destroys your current relatonship

[Tired Tiger]

Maybe there's a deeper question to ask yourself here.

 

Three 'long term' relationships - 2 engagements, an undercurrent of dysfunction/abuse - and you're, what... 21?

 

Have you considered that dipping back into the cycle isn't addressing the "why" of your relationship history? You don't move forward by going in reverse where abuse is involved.

[LoveSoDeep]

For you it wouldn't....you are not the same person she is. Maybe she's not as mature or secure in the realtionship as you were?

 

I'm with you for me it's no big deal to meet an ex for coffee...if she's with us then go for it...but I say bring a friend.

[SapphireNoir10]

I am indeed 21.

 

I feel like I've made steps forward in walking away from my last two relationships and cutting off all contact.

 

Im also moving forward in my life, studying, working, got good friends, lovely family

 

I dont know Im just SO curious.

 

Its like...I want him to see he didnt ruin my life or destroy me?

[SapphireNoir10]

The thing is nearly all my girlfriends have gone through the same, bad boyfriends, I dont know if it makes me a particularly messed up person

 

I feel messed up arg

[agent1607307371]

I suppose its the 'can people change'

 

I wonder if hes changed

 

What would it matter if he has? It wouldn't change the way he behaved in your relationship. And I really doubt he thinks he had that much effect on you.

 

And I doubt it would have any bearing on the relationship choices you've been making.

 

The past is gone. Generally it's better to leave it there.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know the past is gone.

 

Do you know what irks me? My problem was always being too needy and dependent.

 

In my last relationship I was accused of being not clingy or dependent enough.

 

I cant win :S

[90_hour_sleep]

Its like...I want him to see he didnt ruin my life or destroy me?

 

just out of curiosity...what purpose would that serve?

[Tired Tiger]

Your curiosity shouldn't be directed at anything he may think, it should be directed at yourself and the choices you've made.

 

If he were completely unattached & available, AND had been through significant therapy and anger management, then maybe there could be a valid argument for satiating some sort of curiosity. As it is, there's far more bad than good that could come out of venturing down this path.

[SapphireNoir10]

I have a feeling maybe he just needs a friend or someone to talk too.

[LoveSoDeep]

So does everyone else...even serial killers. Does it have to be you? NO

 

Obviously what happened has changed you both....every realtionship changes both parties whether they know it or not.

 

I think he's chnaged you more than you think and you haven't finished learning from it yet....meeting with him just sounds like a bad idea to me.

[agent1607307371]

I have a feeling maybe he just needs a friend or someone to talk too.

 

And after 4 years, you're that friend?

 

Seriously, look at the relationship, this man is not your friend.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know your right

 

I probably SHOULD NOT go

[agent1607307371]

I know your right

 

I probably SHOULD NOT go

 

Not if you have any self-respect, no.

[SapphireNoir10]

I wonder if I DO have any self respect anymore

 

Think I lost it somewhere

[browneyedgirl36]

Sapphire -- Just a thought: I suspect that, if you hadn't JUST gotten out of a relationship that ended badly, and if you hadn't just lost your grandfather, you probably wouldn't be thinking of meeting up with this guy. I think you're really emotionally vulnerable right now, and I think it's important that you REALLY sit with yourself and ask yourself why you want to do this -- what you really hope to gain from it. Only you can know for sure, but I wonder if, perhaps, you are hoping to get some validation from him -- that you are thinking that if he's changed and is nice to you now, you can tell yourself, "See! I wasn't a bad girlfriend! He still wants to talk to me!" Or...that, in meeting him, you can attain some sort of "closure" that will "fix" things for you -- things you feel you can't fix with your most recent ex.

 

I'm not trying to be condescending here, but it might be good for you to just stay away from men for awhile -- to focus on YOU and what you want to accomplish, to be happy and strong on your own. I think it would really help. Hang in there...

[SapphireNoir10]

Im all for staying single.

 

And yeah it does suck i've heard nothing from my most recent ex of 4 mo relationship. He literally cut himself out and was glad to do so.

[anya1607307555]

You are not the first or the last person to do this, looking to past relationships/ONS to divert attention from facing reality ie; your last break up. You cannot run away from those feelings and need to work through them. Only then will you be in a fit state to assess what this 'friendship' with your first love really is.

 

One thing you need to ask yourself, is why this man who nearly destroyed you, has been on your msn for the past 4 years. When you can be truly honest with yourself, you will begin to have healthier relationships.

 

I really wish you could see the potential others/strangers see in you, Sapphire. You're worth so much more.

[BellaDonna]

Do not go to see this poor excuse for a man. Please don't. I remember the stories about him and he does not deserve your time or company. Not too long ago wasn't he overheard abusing a recent GF? I doubt he's changed even a tiny bit. He's just trying to rope you in to break you down to nothing again.

[mad rabbits]

I would urge you to be careful. I had one of these curiosity meetings with an ex...wanted to know if he had changed, all that.

 

Well, superficially he had...even said he was sorry for the past. But guess what, he was lying, he hadn't changed at all and it was all to reel me back in for round two and it was not pretty! Bella Donna could be right...