Potentily doing REALLY Stupid thing...meeting abusive ex

[SapphireNoir10]

Im a seasoned ENA'r, it has seen me through through three long term relationship break ups (year +'s and TWO engagements)

 

What brought me here isnt well documnted as a i deleted a lot of those threads back when we could

 

 

 

Is a taster I suppose with some idea as to what this particular ex boyfriend was lik.

 

WELL he was my first 'true' love. I met him at 17, was living with him in 4 months and we were engaged by 8...broken up by 15 months.

 

We were both young and stupid and he did drugs (weed) and used to get mega angry at me.

 

Well anyway the other day he started talking to me on msn...after three/four years..WELL. He asked me for coffee. To catch up.

 

I've said yes. Am going tomorrow.

 

Hes in a long distance relationship...so im pretty sure his motives arent to get back together.

 

OH GOD

[SapphireNoir10]

Run down is we started chatting. We got on well. He said he wanted to meet to catch up and he said hes in a complicated long distance r/ship.

 

What do you think his motives are :S

[DN]

Whatever they are they are not good and you really should not be doing this - why on Earth are you?!!

[SapphireNoir10]

I have no actual idea.

 

I really dont. I guess Im a bit shook up from my last break up.

 

Its kinda twisted logic. I've learnt a lot of lessons, I learnt enough to know to break up with my most recent ex after four months of him messing me about.

 

And I've learnt those lessons...mostly due to him.

 

I guess cos he sounds grown up and a lot nicer? Maybe to face how far I have come?

 

NO IDEA O_O

 

Everything in my life is good, working long hours, earning money, and FINALLY doing a degree.

[90_hour_sleep]

Run down is we started chatting. We got on well. He said he wanted to meet to catch up and he said hes in a complicated long distance r/ship.

 

What do you think his motives are :S

 

what if you put yourself in the shoes of his current partner? how would you feel? would you be critical of such a meeting? no shortage of ENA stories of the ''innocent third party''. could it be percieved in that way?

 

where do your intentions lie? what are you hoping for?

[SapphireNoir10]

My material/physical self is in good order when it comes to life/health.

 

But evidentally my mental state isnt so great. I've faced the death of my grandfather, and a relationship break up in the last month. Maybe I've just gone mad finally.

 

I've had so many idiot horrible guys...I may have finally snapped.

[SapphireNoir10]

what if you put yourself in the shoes of his current partner? how would you feel? would you be critical of such a meeting? no shortage of ENA stories of the ''innocent third party''. could it be percieved in that way?

 

where do your intentions lie? what are you hoping for?

 

It was more of a 'we havent seen eachother or ages we should meet and catch up'

 

My intentions honest to god lye in pure curiosity.

[iBroken]

3 or 4 years later isnt a big deal. I dont think there are alterior motives......sounds like a catch up/vent about his complicated relationship to piss his GF off.

[SapphireNoir10]

It is weirdly complicated. Shes in America, hes in England. Shes eight years older..married? I think, or was married when they met.

 

So i dunno ahhh

[blitzkrieged]

I dont think anything good can come of this... Not only is it near impossible to be genuine friends with an ex, but an abusive one? In a relationship no less? You need to look closely at your own motives not his.. Are you lonely? do you think you will find friendship and comfort in him? Maybe just wanting to go back to a place you are familiar with? think about it...

[90_hour_sleep]

It was more of a 'we havent seen eachother or ages we should meet and catch up'

 

My intentions honest to god lye in pure curiosity.

 

okay. but you didn't answer the other questions. regardless of your intentions...can you see that from certain perspectives you may be allowing yourself to get mixed up in the middle of two people? is that a role you're comfortable playing?

[SapphireNoir10]

I have thought about it. And it truly is curiosity.

 

Im not lonely, Im content in my family and friends.

[SapphireNoir10]

okay. but you didn't answer the other questions. regardless of your intentions...can you see that from certain perspectives you may be allowing yourself to get mixed up in the middle of two people? is that a role you're comfortable playing?

 

Can two exes not meet after three/four years and have it be not more than curiosity? And i dont ask that sarcastically. I ask genuinley.

[90_hour_sleep]

I dont think anything good can come of this... Not only is it near impossible to be genuine friends with an ex, but an abusive one? In a relationship no less? You need to look closely at your own motives not his.. Are you lonely? do you think you will find friendship and comfort in him? Maybe just wanting to go back to a place you are familiar with? think about it...

 

i agree. could be that you're looking for male validation...especially in light of your recent breakup. just a thought.

[SapphireNoir10]

I have no need for male validation.

 

Im accepting of my break up. Instead of wanting a boyfriend I find myself glad i dont have to worry about someone else, about how they feel etc, whether they text, whether they are ok.

[90_hour_sleep]

Can two exes not meet after three/four years and have it be not more than curiosity? And i dont ask that sarcastically. I ask genuinley.

 

i absolutely think it's possible!! but i don't think most of us humans have a level of emotional stability which allows us to be okay with our own partner having this sort of meeting with an ex. i think it's unfortunate...but there's a lot of evidence to support it. i only ask because i'm wondering how you would feel in her shoes.

[SapphireNoir10]

It really is curiosity...its like facing the beast...

 

When I met him I was happy and confident and could always kick guys to the curb if they were mean. After him I've had two boyfriends one who was a compulsive lir and the other emotionally abusiv.

 

I guess he started that cycle, maybe seeing him will bring it full circle?

[Kev0s1983]

It has been a considerable amount of time, if you got on well through msn I - personally - dont see any real issue with a meet up AS LONG AS you feel ok with it. You mention the emotional turmoil stuff of late - which I am not belittling by the way - I guess just catch up with the guy. You got on well so it could be fun to see him again. You have both probably matured from the time you spent together and so long as you are meeting in a "safe" neutral place in view of many other people, I dont see there being any problems or issues.

 

Do you still have some feelings for this guy perhaps? If so, it might be worth reconsidering if the original relationship was very bad.

[SapphireNoir10]

Well. A couple of my exes have been friends with exes from a long time ago and that didnt bother me. But most recent ex WOULD bother me. Cos I'd worry about residual feelings being the rebound etc.

 

BUT he was with someone two and a bit years after me

[Tired Tiger]

He was not a very nice man, emotionally and sometimes physically (shoving, hitting 'by accident) I used to make excuses but everyones advice for me to leave made me see what it is for what it is

 

So what about this is it that you're 'curious' about?

[SapphireNoir10]

I suppose its the 'can people change'

 

I wonder if hes changed

[LoveSoDeep]

i absolutely think it's possible!! but i don't think most of us humans have a level of emotional stability which allows us to be okay with our own partner having this sort of meeting with an ex. i think it's unfortunate...but there's a lot of evidence to support it. i only ask because i'm wondering how you would feel in her shoes.

 

You still haven't answered this question...we know what you want ...is pure curiosity....fine. But not matter how much you want that the adult thing to do would be to consider that you may be getting in the middle of something between him and someone else. Is that what you want? Obviously he okay with it....is that b/c he's using you to piss her off? Did he contact you first?

[SapphireNoir10]

Yes...hes been on my msn since we split up and he just said hello. We talked for a bit before he suggested catching up in person.

 

And he said he'd let me know all about her and them...he hasnt hidden her from me or belittled their relationship. Im an ex fiance from nearly four years ago. NOT someone coming in between them.

[HeartGoesOn]

So what about this is it that you're 'curious' about?

 

This above, and the fact that he has a girlfriend, may lead you down a road that should be a lot less traveled.

 

I suppose its the 'can people change'

 

I wonder if hes changed

 

And if he has, what happens then?

[SapphireNoir10]

Hang on wait. You cant meet an ex if they have a girlfriend over coffee in a public place to catch up?

 

I've hung out with exes whilst in relationships as have some of my exes. IT never was anything more than catching up or stying civil.