laboheme Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 We met about 8 months ago and, after a few months of casual dating, made it official in January. Things were going great: we recently exchanged our I love yous, and he's been talking about introducing me to his parents. However, he said that fist he'd have to tell me a deep, dark secret, in case it comes up when I'm around his parents. The secret? When we briefly discussed our relationship histories, he told me that his last relationship ended last May, when he moved to my city. Well...he admitted to lying about that. Apparently, when he moved, his girl moved with him...and moved in with him. However, after living together, they quickly realized that things weren't working out, so they agreed to start seeing other people, which is when he met me -- and apparently she knew all about me. But she didn't move out until after Thanksgiving -- which she spent with him and his parents, because she "had no other place to go." And, because she was still in the apartment, they slept together on occasion. I'm not sure how to feel about the whole thing. On one hand, this all happened before we were exclusive, so it's not like he cheated on me. And although he was sleeping with her while also sleeping with me, he didn't think he needed to tell me because they were both clean (which is true, they were clean: we both got tested once we decided to be exclusive and stop using condoms). And he did willingly admit to lying, which seemed pretty hard for him to do (he thought I was going to break up with him for sure). On the other hand, he lied! And I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around having dated someone who was still living with his ex-significant other. I'm not even sure at what point they officially broke up -- he claims September, right before we met, but she didn't move out until after Thanksgiving! That makes me doubt his feelings for me now. It's reasonable to break up with someone in May, start dating someone in September, make it official in January, and say "I love you" in late March. But if the ex was still around in December, he can't really be in love with me now, can he? And in addition to doubting his feelings now, I'm obviously concerned about trusting him in the future. He said that he lied to me because he wasn't looking for anything serious (so why tell the truth?) but then ended up really liking me and was afraid that his living arrangements would scare me away. And now that I'm a big part of his life, he doesn't want any skeletons in the closet. Sounds kind of reasonable...but is he going to lie whenever he thinks that something might upset me/scare me away? Advice? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 True, you were casual and took the chance of sleeping with him knowing he could have been sleeping with others....BUT that doesn't excuse the fact that he completely covered up his true status in order to have fun with other women. In other words, had he told you from the get-go that he moved here with his gf, they lived together, split up but still lived together and had sex, it would be very unlikely that he would have been able to attract other women to get interested in him. He LIED in order to be able to be successful dating other women and sleeping with them. THAT says a lot about his character...his selfishness and total lack of concern for any new person. He wanted to pull the wool over your eyes (and whoever else he could have been dating at the time you were casual) in order to have his successful dating life back again. Not only that, but it took another 4 months after you got serious, before he told you the truth..and he is only telling you the truth because he is afraid that his family will spill the beans. I don't think this really invalidates his feelings for you or how he felt about you. He might indeed be very sincere about his feelings towards you. However, it is his ability to cover up the truth and violate someone's else's boundaries and rights in order to get what he wants that is most troubling. It shows a lack of character. I don't blame you for having doubts about him. Also, he doesn't seem to be owning up to the fact that he was wrong..as he keeps coming up with excuses as to why he feels justified in doing what he did. That is also troubling. He may not want secrets now, but it seems that if he had to do it all over again he would still do it the same way. He doesn't seem to have any kind of moral conscience...telling you is simply so that he could avoid further fallout if you found out through someone else. It is all about HIM. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 That one is a biggie. I'd take some serious time apart to think about this. Link to comment
kay83 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 years ago, i was young and naive and felt pressured to marry my university sweetheart. everyone told me i was having cold feet, when i explained that i didn't want to be with him. to make a VERY long story short, i did marry him and we did move in together. i broke up with him in january of 2006 but didn't move out until april of 2006. i was young and terrified of telling my parents that i'd left him after only 5 short months of marriage and a hefty wedding bill. i was afraid to admit that i'd somehow "failed". it doesn't always make sense WHY we do the things we do...looking back on it, i was a fool to have gotten married in the first place or to hide our breakup for 3 months. i even did start seeing someone while i was still living there. i'm not saying it was right, but i had wanted to break up with my ex for so long that by the time i actually did it, i was so far over it, i was ready to get back into the dating game. again..young, dumb, whatever...it's still human nature. maybe what he says is true and you should take it at face value. or maybe he's lying to get what he wants and cover his tracks. regardless...you have to choose to believe what you want to believe and what makes you comfortable...because i doubt you'll ever really know for sure. Link to comment
NANsense Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I'd offer my two cents worth....but crazyabtdogs has covered every base wonderfully! How he could live with this "secret" shows nothing but his selfish "all abt me" attitude--no guilt, no remorse, no nothing--but getting what he wants from people and using them as pawns.....I agree, he may care abt you--but does that excuse his lack of character? NO! The only reason he told you now was to shelter himself from the fallout--when his lies came out--again, it's all about him! Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 Ah, but when you started seeing someone else while you were still living with your ex-husband, did the new person know about the situation? Or did you cover it up? I'm not denying the possibility that my significant other emotionally checked out of his old relationship and was ready to get back in the dating game long before his ex moved out, in which case his feelings for me may be real. It's the lying thing that really bothers me. As Crazyaboutdogs said, it's probably pretty darn difficult to attract women if you tell them upfront that you're still living and sleeping with your ex. Maybe I would not have been okay with it, and things would not have gotten past the first date. But maybe I would have been fine with it! I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time, either! He didn't take the risk of telling me and chose to lie instead...Am I pissed? YES, and concerned about all the things that Crazyaboutdogs mentioned. But what if he is sincere? What if this was a one-time mistake and he learned from it? And regrets it? Or does he regret it? How am I supposed to know??? Link to comment
NANsense Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 But what if he is sincere? What if this was a one-time mistake and he learned from it? And regrets it? Or does he regret it? How am I supposed to know??? it sounds, to me, that you know the answers to these questions--and that's what's so hard to accept... he obviously doesn't regret it--if he did he would have told you for the right reasons--not to save his fanny if his parents spilled the beans.. if you want to hear it straight from the horses mouth--just ask him "tell me again why you informed me now?"...and the answer will be--"cos my folks would have let something slip" not "cos I couldn't live with the guilt"... Link to comment
9eliz Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Hmm it all seems to be one sided but I think differently... You two wasn't exclusive and tbh I can completely understand him not telling you. I don't agree with it but I can understand. It's not like it happened when you guys were serious. I think you should stay with him and give the relationship a chance... Adressing condoms: Always use one! ALWAYS!! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 he didn't think he needed to tell me because they were both clean he told me that his last relationship ended last May I'm not even sure at what point they officially broke up -- he claims September, right before we met, He told you when he met you that he had been broken up since May...and yet now he is saying that it was September right before you two met. The only reason he uses for justifying not telling you is that he was clean. No talk about violating your rights, lying about his status and how long he was actually broken up etc. This guy really really has questionable morals and character. Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 Hmm it all seems to be one sided but I think differently... You two wasn't exclusive and tbh I can completely understand him not telling you. I don't agree with it but I can understand. It's not like it happened when you guys were serious. I think you should stay with him and give the relationship a chance... Adressing condoms: Always use one! ALWAYS!! That's what I'm telling myself, but if I can't trust him... As far as condoms, we were using condoms all the way up until we had the exclusivity talk and got tested. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Hmm it all seems to be one sided but I think differently... You two wasn't exclusive and tbh I can completely understand him not telling you. I don't agree with it but I can understand. It's not like it happened when you guys were serious. I think you should stay with him and give the relationship a chance... Adressing condoms: Always use one! ALWAYS!! Yes..but the bigger issue is the fact that many women would not date someone who had just just ended a relationship and was still living with that person. Even someone who is casual has a right to know if the guy still has ties he hasn't severed with his ex. Still living with his ex and sleeping with her and having her as part of a holiday meal with the family is a pretty big tie. Link to comment
Ronke12 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I dont know... honestly this would be a dealbreaker for me.. Remove yourself from the situation -- what would you tell your bestfriend or sister if they were in this situation? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I would not continue seeing him -he put you at risk of whoever his ex was sleeping with or had slept with - until he abstains an HIV test is not going to be accurate (and I mean even with using condoms). How presumptuous of him to assume you'd be ok with having sex with someone who wasn't being monogamous with you? And on top of all that he lied about his living situation. I would be very concerned about his values going forward. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 But what if he is sincere? What if this was a one-time mistake and he learned from it? And regrets it? Or does he regret it? How am I supposed to know??? I'm wouldn't label this as a mistake, he knew exactly what he was doing, while knowing it was wrong. There's a big difference between a mistake, and a choice... Link to comment
NANsense Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I'm wouldn't label this as a mistake, he knew exactly what he was doing, while knowing it was wrong. There's a big difference between a mistake, and a choice... What an excellent point! I totally agree! "ooops I forgot to let the dog out and he peed on the carpet" is a far cry from "ahh I was still living with, sleeping with, my X and having family get togethers"! IMO the whole story sounds fishy--how would you even know this version is true? What you do know is that he lied abt living alone--and was still having sex with his GF and having family dinners together--that his family saw them as still a couple far into your rlshp with him--and by all rights he was still a couple with her far into your rlshp What he is using to cover his tracks now is that SUPPOSEDLY they had discussed splitting up....OK, well you can believe that--but all the facts say he has lied abt that too, was still very much involved with her--and was cheating on her with you at the time....sorry--I'm not buying the "we talked abt splitting scenario 1 bit! If you put yourself in the X's shoes--would you be having sex and playing the happy couple in front of his parents--if you knew you were breaking up? What live-in GF would do that? Link to comment
Mauxly Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Yeah, I still don't believe him. He only came clean because he was afraid that his parents would out him. I don't quite believe the open relationship bit. I strongly suspect he cheated on her with you and now he's coming out with half truths to cover his arse. Typical of serial cheaters. I'd bail on this situation now before you get any more tangled. At the very least I'd ask to speek to her to make sure he isn't still lying to you. If she knew about you and was OK with the whole thing, that shouldn't be a problem. Once you know the whole truth you can go from there. Link to comment
teabee Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 "Gross" is the word that comes to mind for a lie like that. And he only told you because he didn't want it to come out around his parents, you would never have known otherwise. After only an 8 month investment, I would not hesitate to cut ties with this person. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 No, you will NEVER trust this man again, not in a month or 50 years. Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Thanks, everyone, for your input. After reading through this thread, I braced myself for a breakup and had a long talk with him...He almost cried (you know how the eyes get red and the tears start welling up at the bottom?), admitted to being wrong and selfish, etc. Without me saying anything of the kind, he told me that I could call his ex so that she can confirm that there was no cheating and that she knew all about me -- and when I said that I shouldn't have to call her, he said that he'd ask her to reach out to me, if I felt more comfortable with that. He then started giving me the passwords to his email, phone, and facebook (I don't ask for them or want them, mind you!) and said he wished he could show me his former online dating profile and correspondence (which he can't do, because we both deleted our accounts when we became exclusive). Finally, he said that in the unlikely event that I still want to meet his parents and call him out on this in front of them, he deserves it. Does that sound like he's genuinely sorry? Do I take him up on his offer to put me in touch with his ex (one of you actually mentioned this)? (By the way, my mother, who actually met him, thinks I should give him a chance. Her words: "It's not like he cheated on you, and even cheating can be forgiven, provided there are no STDs or kids involved. And heck, a little bit of cheating is a good, healthy thing -- not to say that you need to sleep with everyone, but some kisses, some squeezes here and there...I never liked the fact that once you started dating someone, you never did anything with other men. Good for him for being able to tell you the truth, that's what I say." This is from a woman who's been married to my father for 30+ years.) Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 (By the way, my mother, who actually met him, thinks I should give him a chance. Her words: "It's not like he cheated on you, and even cheating can be forgiven, provided there are no STDs or kids involved. And heck, a little bit of cheating is a good, healthy thing -- not to say that you need to sleep with everyone, but some kisses, some squeezes here and there...I never liked the fact that once you started dating someone, you never did anything with other men. Good for him for being able to tell you the truth, that's what I say." This is from a woman who's been married to my father for 30+ years.) Maybe your mom is desperate for grandchildren. Link to comment
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