Can't let go.. anyone else experiencing this?

[justaglimmer]

So after a breakup, the golden rule is to take steps towards getting over it, right? Why do I feel like don't want to get over it?

 

I can't shake this feeling that I just don't want to start a new life without him, and that since if I can't be with him, and I can't find a way to move on either, I'm just sentenced to live in misery. I've been isolating myself from the rest of the world and at times I can't even stand to have the television on, or listen to music. There's too many reminders of him everywhere.

 

I'm not blind though, I know the relationship was a disaster and maybe just not meant to be... but I can't stop thinking of him. I'm purely addicted to this person and I don't think I've ever had it so bad.

[eks79]

I know exactly what you mean. Its hard to let go of something you weren't ready to let go of.

 

You may want to get rid of those reminders you have, so you can begin to heal. You said so yourself, the relationship was a disaster. If thats the case then you should focus on that. It may make it easier since you don't have wonderful memories to look back on. If things don't get better you may want to see a doctor about getting some Anti-depressants to help you through this. It sounds as if there is more going on then just wanting them back. Maybe some co-dependency or some control issues going on with you as well. Good luck!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i've been asking myself that same question .. and i have come to the conclusion that i wasn't letting go of.. feelings.. people.. memories...ect.. even though on the outside i was/am saying "omg i want to let go and move on!" .. on the inside.. i had the death grip on them... holding onto the pain .. the wonder .. the worry .. i realized it was keeping them close to me.. even though they were no longer around. keeping the pain going .. even though there was no reason to be in pain... holding onto the anger.. even though .. there really was no reason to be angry anymore.

 

I've been telling myself.. every time i think of him.. "thats over now.. let it go.. peacefully .. release it .. so you can make room for new wonderful things in your life"

 

yes i really talk to myself that way .. lol

[justaglimmer]

I know exactly what you mean. Its hard to let go of something you weren't ready to let go of.

 

You may want to get rid of those reminders you have, so you can begin to heal. You said so yourself, the relationship was a disaster. If thats the case then you should focus on that. It may make it easier since you don't have wonderful memories to look back on. If things don't get better you may want to see a doctor about getting some Anti-depressants to help you through this. It sounds as if there is more going on then just wanting them back. Maybe some co-dependency or some control issues going on with you as well. Good luck!

 

Thanks for your reply eks79 well.. the relationship wasn't a total disaster, I do have many good memories as well. I guess the main problem was that one minute we'd be fine and great and the next minute he would get really angry at me and stay that way for days and days, which ultimately led to breakups and more breakups. Focusing on the bad times is definitely what I should be doing, its hard though, I feel like I'm in a place where I only see the good times and what I actually loved about him.

[justaglimmer]

I know exactly what you mean. Its hard to let go of something you weren't ready to let go of.

 

You may want to get rid of those reminders you have, so you can begin to heal. You said so yourself, the relationship was a disaster. If thats the case then you should focus on that. It may make it easier since you don't have wonderful memories to look back on. If things don't get better you may want to see a doctor about getting some Anti-depressants to help you through this. It sounds as if there is more going on then just wanting them back. Maybe some co-dependency or some control issues going on with you as well. Good luck!

 

Thanks for your reply eks79 well.. the relationship wasn't a total disaster, I do have many good memories as well. I guess the main problem was that one minute we'd be fine and great and the next minute he would get really angry at me and stay that way for days and days, which ultimately led to breakups and more breakups. He has a harsh temper. Focusing on the bad times is definitely what I should be doing, its hard though, I feel like I'm in a place where I only see the good times and what I actually loved about him.

[Ariel85]

I've been struggling with this lately myself.

 

My sister has recently been in contact with an ex, who is toxic as all get out. Like you, sure, there were good parts to it, but overall, the guy is an emotional and psychological train wreck. YET, she can't seem to break this attachment to him, even though she will readily admit he's bad for her, and will NEVER fulfill her or be what she needs.

 

I think it may be that she is used to being with crappy men, so she has gotten used to scraps, and also to hoping it will get better. She gets this false illusion that he can CHANGE, and that the glimmers of goodness she saw, will someday grow to take over all the bad.

 

We all know this never happens, however.

 

Then she goes through the thing about imagining him in a stable and happy relationship with someone else, and I think we can all agree that's not happening either. lol

[justaglimmer]

Sorry for the duplicate post up there ^^.

 

HealingHandsWarmHeart, that is a very good thing to say to yourself! I wish I could find the courage to say those things. I think right now if I said those things, I would definitely be a crying mess while saying them. Maybe deep down I'm holding onto the hope that a miracle would happen and we would be able to be together again and work it all out.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

oh i'm a mess when i say it sometimes too... but thats just part of the process of letting go.

 

of course we are sad we lost someone..we cared about them.. thought about them... so yeah its not going to go away over night.. but sometimes when i say it .. i feel little flutters of hope.. "i wonder what amazing person is going to come into my life next?" .. "what is next on my journey??" i feel excited like i can't wait.... sometimes... lol

[pbsurf]

How long have you been NC?

 

I Can't let go either and really, and I really should be able to... The relationship was "casual" and not meant to be - she had some issues that I should be glad to be away from, and i really should be focusing on either meeting someone more appropriate/better and/or just getting on w/my life. I have met a few other girls, probably have decent prospects for a normal relationship (as opposed to the last one...) and yet, have little to no interest in putting any energy into that. I suppose I just want to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my missing her... Ugh.

 

But. Its lonely and I miss the companionship, someone to talk with, intimacy, sex, thinking about someone and smiling, etc etc. If I think about what I miss, 80% is the idea of her, 20% actually things about her... Or maybe 70/30 not sure.

 

And my feelings aren't "love" as much as they are fear - fear of the future, of being alone etc... I feel immature, I feel like everyone else moves on from things like except me. I'm not a basket case, but I cant stop thinking about her.

 

little over 4 weeks NC

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

But. Its lonely and I miss the companionship, someone to talk with, intimacy, sex, thinking about someone and smiling, etc etc. If I think about what I miss, 80% is the idea of her, 20% actually things about her... Or maybe 70/30 not sure.

 

And my feelings aren't "love" as much as they are fear - fear of the future, of being alone etc... I feel immature, I feel like everyone else moves on from things like except me. I'm not a basket case, but I cant stop thinking about her.

 

little over 4 weeks NC

 

you hit the nail on the head for me... so true.

[justaglimmer]

I haven't been good at NC so far. Normally I'm the queen at NC. I always end up texting him asking him how he really feels about things and he always ends up texting back telling me how I "really F***** things up this time!"

[pbsurf]

well, I guess its time to go NC... delete #s voice mails (that was a tough one for me for some reason), pix etc and just move forward.

 

Unfortunately, even NC doesnt make everything ok, in some ways I think it isolates us even more, we can't even have the short-term rush/torture of dysfunctional contact... But, according to everyone here, it is the only way to go.

 

The longer you stay in any form of contact the more you delay the inevitable real breakup pain of full NC...

[I can do it]

We all have our good and bad days, and the more we move on the good days become more consistent.

 

I am 6 months on after the BU, pretty much 6 months NC apart from an e-mail half way through and I still have bad days and it really gets to me. I think to myself, why am I feeling like this, I should be OK, I should be feeling better than this and why am I thinking of her.

 

But then I have to remind myself the reason is because the relationship really meant something to me and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I would worry if it took me 3 weeks to get over it because then the time we spent together obviously didn't mean anything at all.

 

I am not rushing into anything at the moment, especially into a new relationship. I really miss the companionship, the intimacy, the sex, the one person you can turn to and talk to, but that will come again, I know it. In the meantime I know all I have to do is continue to move forward, I have to go through the motions and take the punches. One day when I least expect it I will find that person that i deserve and who will make me happy again.

 

I don't know how long it will take, but it will happen. I have to just go through it, unfortunately that is the truth and I have to accept that.

 

I like the quote about 'looking forward to the next chapter' - that's a nice thought to hang onto.

[pbsurf]

"Looking forward to looking back" a great song by Over the Rhine...

 

Anyway, lately I haven't had good or bad, just blah days -even when I'm having fun, staying busy, with friends or my kids, the subject is always always on my mind.

 

I am curious about whether dating helps you to move on or not. Rushing into something is a bad idea, but how about baby-steps. I ask because I have convinced myself that this is the only way I'll move on in the near term, but honestly, I do'nt have the energy for dating I dont think.

 

I'm also jaded about women and relationships... BUT. despite all of that, I also really want someone in my life. I got used to that - granted it was only about 9 months, (i'd also been married for 10 years before and dated a bunch in between).

 

arrggghhh.... frustrating.

[Glowguy]

I'm having similar feelings lately. In fact, yesterday might have been the toughest day for me since the breakup and it's about 2 and a half months after the fact. I felt panicky all day and utterly alone like I was the only one on the planet. I tried distracting myself but nothing helped and I couldn't keep my attention on one task for more than a few minutes. I think I was clinging on to some small shred of hope but finally came to the harsh realization that it is really and truly over. I feel a little better today at least. Keep your head up and it will get better in time.

 

I have almost no friends in CA and my family lives accross the country so I know how it feels to be completely isolated. The days that I don't leave the apartment at all are the worst. I have to stop doing that and at least get some fresh air or exercise every day even when the weather sucks. I'm pretty sure I made the right decision but I still have those moments of doubt when I remember all the good times. I'm trying to summon the energy to start dating but my heart just isn't in it yet.

[No1]

So after a breakup, the golden rule is to take steps towards getting over it, right? Why do I feel like don't want to get over it?

 

I can't shake this feeling that I just don't want to start a new life without him, and that since if I can't be with him, and I can't find a way to move on either, I'm just sentenced to live in misery. I've been isolating myself from the rest of the world and at times I can't even stand to have the television on, or listen to music. There's too many reminders of him everywhere.

 

I'm not blind though, I know the relationship was a disaster and maybe just not meant to be... but I can't stop thinking of him. I'm purely addicted to this person and I don't think I've ever had it so bad.

 

 

Maybe you are afraid of being alone, or forgetting who you were or are. You didnt say how long you dated, but you probably lost your identity with your BF and now that you are single you feel alone. Because you no longer have that teather attached to you letting you know who you were. With him, you went off of his emotions, his thoughts, his moods, his life. (its my guess) But no, you will not setenced to being miserable for the rest of your life. that is a prison cell you are placing yourself into if thats that case.

And no, you are not addicted to this person. You are addicted to an Identity. You want to be happy, but you loathe the thought of being alone. Be honest, if I ask you would you rather be with your X and be completely miserable or with someone who makes you happier than you could ever imagine, who would you pick?

For a second, I bet you answered with your X, but with you being totally happy. Truth is, that is not going to happen with your X. He is who he is. Question is now. Who are you? Can you be happy not being someones Girl friend? Not having the drama of being in a cruddy relationship? Can you be happy being alone and discovering who you are? Id bet if you thought about it. You did have an identity before you dated your now X. The hard part is to re-connect to who you are

[dramallama]

I think not letting go has a big part to do with fear. You are afraid of letting go of the future you thought you had, if you let go what happens if they come back. It's scary to accept something when you don't want to believe it. But if you really think about it, is it all that bad? Letting go gives you so much power, and it can take weeks and months. It's a process.

[sfindependent]

where in the bay u from? i am in the city. feel free to PM me. im always down to meet new people since my break up with the ex..

[NOTrdy4goodbye]

I think not letting go has a big part to do with fear. You are afraid of letting go of the future you thought you had, if you let go what happens if they come back. It's scary to accept something when you don't want to believe it. But if you really think about it, is it all that bad? Letting go gives you so much power, and it can take weeks and months. It's a process.

 

I really like what you said here. Its so true. In a relationship, especially one you were very devoted to, you do become one with another person. That fear of having to make up for the half you lost and really stand on your own now, thats my biggest fear. I constantly feel as though our future is just on hold and I wont let it go, but if I do, then I could begin to create a new future. I think thats what rips at me the most. Its not the missing him necessarily, sleeping alone, or any of that depressing gunk, its the fact my future just was erased and I have no idea what is next. The family I thought I had, crumbled. I thought that was forever, so now that its not, I keep wondering what is there for me now.

 

Thank you for the insight.

[justaglimmer]

Wow, great advice from everyone. My heart goes out to all of you who are feeling similar to what I'm feeling.

 

No1, very nice post, definitely makes me think.

 

dramallama, yep, the fear plays a big role. I'd be kidding myself if I said that it didn't.

[MissingSparkle]

So after a breakup, the golden rule is to take steps towards getting over it, right? Why do I feel like don't want to get over it?

 

I can't shake this feeling that I just don't want to start a new life without him, and that since if I can't be with him, and I can't find a way to move on either, I'm just sentenced to live in misery. I've been isolating myself from the rest of the world and at times I can't even stand to have the television on, or listen to music. There's too many reminders of him everywhere.

 

I'm not blind though, I know the relationship was a disaster and maybe just not meant to be... but I can't stop thinking of him. I'm purely addicted to this person and I don't think I've ever had it so bad.

do you still feel the same???