Life in the Driver's Seat

[Seraphim]

I seldom have time to talk to him. He is always busy.

 

It is hard for my mom because obviously we are both her kids. She at least knows what I feel like though.

[Seraphim]

I am going to get a big fat ice cream sundae with chocolate and caramel and nuts. Yum!

[Cheetarah]

(For all the mother's (including pregnant ones) in the world, this one is for you! - Author Unknown)

[Seraphim]

Just beautiful. Truly. It is all 100% true. It made me cry.

[Seraphim]

[video=youtube;xoXo36YNQ2U] ]

 

If I had to I would put myself right beside you

So let me ask, would you like that? Would you like that?

And I don't mind if you say this love is the last time

So now I'll ask, do you like that? Do you like that? No!

 

Something's getting in the way

Something's just about to break

I will try to find my place

In the diary of Jane

So tell me how it should be!

 

Try to find out what makes you tick as I lie down

Sore and sick, do you like that? Do you like that?

There's a fine line between love and hate and I don't mind

Just let me say that I like that, I like that

 

Something's getting in the way

Something's just about to break

I will try to find my place

In the diary of Jane

 

As I burn another page

As I look the other way

I still try to find my place

In the diary of Jane

So tell me how it should be!

 

Desperate, I will crawl, waiting for so long

No love, there is no love

Die for anyone, what have I become?

 

Something's getting in the way

Something's just about to break

I will try to find my place

In the diary of Jane

 

As I burn another page

As I look the other way

I still try to find my place

In the diary of Jane

[Seraphim]

"

But all I’ve ever learned from love

Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

It’s not a cry you can hear at night

It’s not somebody who has seen the light

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

[Cheetarah]

What is the first photo of?

[Seraphim]

You can see my old scars if one looks hard.

[Cheetarah]

I saw the scars, but wasn't sure what it was. Wrist? God Vic.

[Seraphim]

Yes, that is my wrist.

[Cheetarah]

How old is your old life

[Seraphim]

Before, R was born.

[Seraphim]

I just used to get so angry or so filled with emotion I could not handle it.

 

I had a brief period of return to that a few times, but not in a while.

 

It was never with the intent to die. It was just so filled with rage it had no where to go. Myself seemed the most logical choice. I could not voice how angry I was.

[Cheetarah]

Yeah...Breaking stuff didn't put a dent in the rage.

 

You don't need to explain it to me or justify. I just didn't know that about you.

[Cheetarah]

Pink gets stuff right. Not a huge fan of the style but I listen to her anyway.

[Seraphim]

Yeah...Breaking stuff didn't put a dent in the rage.

 

You don't need to explain it to me or justify. I just didn't know that about you.

 

My family does not even know it. I used to take a lot of codeine pills, like 12 at once and about 7 gravol and then drink on top. I did that for years. I am amazed I have a liver left. Even the weekend before I found out I was pregnant with R I was stoned and drunk. Once I knew I stopped. No one could ever tell when I was stoned because I was so used to the state that I could function normal.

 

But getting off opiates is so so so nasty. Once at work I was cold turkeying them and I was laying on the bathroom at work sweating and puking and puking. Everyone thought I was insane. But God it hurts so bad. Even alcohol was easier to give up than opiates. I cold turkeyed them maybe 7 times. It takes about 7 days to get it out of the system. You feel like absolute CRAP. The pain and sweats and vomiting is awful.

 

It is nuts but I still crave them every day. I just LOVE the euphoria. I know most people hate that feeling but I lOVE IT so much. I LOVE self medicating but I can not do that to my son.

 

I sound like a true addict, well once an addict you always are. So you have to avoid it. My total love for my boy keeps me straight.

[Seraphim]

There are alcoholics and addictive personalities in my family and I am one of them.

[Seraphim]

So I have come a long way with almost no help from anyone because no one knew.

[Seraphim]

I should have gone for my sundae. I didn't. POOOOO

[Seraphim]

"What lies behind us, and what lies

before us are small matters

compared to what lies within us."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

[Cheetarah]

Yeah there's a lot no one knows about me, too. Well...One person knew. He knew me inside and out, like the back of his own hand. I think that's why I have such a rough time shaking the connection(or lack thereof..heh). He was the only one I felt safe enough with. He's more messed up, though, than 50 of us combined. I look strong but no one knows what I dealt with to get there. And I can't even write about much other than surface stuff here because of dumb A and his internet snooping.

 

I really wish I had a sundae, too! Instead I made a caramel apple dip for my sweet tooth...Hot fudge would have been so much yummier.

[Seraphim]

Yeah there's a lot no one knows about me, too. Well...One person knew. He knew me inside and out, like the back of his own hand. I think that's why I have such a rough time shaking the connection(or lack thereof..heh). He was the only one I felt safe enough with. He's more messed up, though, than 50 of us combined. I look strong but no one knows what I dealt with to get there. And I can't even write about much other than surface stuff here because of dumb A and his internet snooping.

 

I really wish I had a sundae, too! Instead I made a caramel apple dip for my sweet tooth...Hot fudge would have been so much yummier.

 

Yeah we both had to fight hard as hell to get where we are. If people looked inside my head they would run screaming. I have had such a hard hard hard life. No one would know it to talk to me or even be my basic casual friend. There are very very very few people I let inside. Almost no one. Like you said, one person maybe.

 

I know you have to protect yourself because of A. I am lucky I can say as I please on here.

[Seraphim]

image removed

 

My twins cuddling.

[Cheetarah]

Yeah girl, when people mistake me for being a big baby or being a princess who didn't get her new toy or what have you, I smile. Because that means the world has nooooooooo clue where I've been, and I appear relatively ok(i feel relatively ok, mostly).

[Seraphim]

Yeah girl, when people mistake me for being a big baby or being a princess who didn't get her new toy or what have you, I smile. Because that means the world has nooooooooo clue where I've been, and I appear relatively ok(i feel relatively ok, mostly).

 

I totally understand. I am mostly ok too. How I have no idea. When people say to me, " what would you know about problems?" I just roll my eyes. But from the outside it looks like I have none. You know? I have a home, a beautiful child, a husband, cars, seemingly whatever I want. But if they knew where I came from they would be flabbergasted.

 

One of the counsellors I talked too when I told her some stories was just holding her head in shock and just said, " My God, what a horrible childhood. I am so sorry you had to live that." You should have seen the look on her face. She was stunned.

 

I am lucky in that my counsellor tries not to react emotionally to whatever I have to say. Which is beneficial to me. She specializes in women who have been abused sexually and domestically. She does tell me, " I am sorry those things happened to you." but she tries to remain stoic. Even when I cry she reacts with stoicism which makes her a great counsellor to me at least. Sometimes she gets a look of pity I can see it and then she quashes it fast.