itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yup, once your trust has been violently brutalized in the past it is hard to not over react when a present slight is small. It brings you out the present and into the past. Yeah, that is really true. I've described it as that it takes me longer to process emotions sometimes. Like with the bf. He'll be way done with something, and I'm just coming around to resolving it. At least we have awareness of our sensitivities. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yeah, that is really true. I've described it as that it takes me longer to process emotions sometimes. Like with the bf. He'll be way done with something, and I'm just coming around to resolving it. At least we have awareness of our sensitivities. Yes, it sometimes takes me a while to process. That is exactly it. Because I have to identify what are present emotions and what are past ones. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 It depends on how you define defending yourself...or how useful it is...Like, I don't defend myself to A as in, try to negate what he's saying. It will not work. He doesn't care what I have to say. He wants to believe what he wants to believe. I waste my energy to say "No, you've got it wrong, no no no you bad dog" The only thing I do in the ways of defense is try to protect my boundaries from being squashed. But my instinctive reaction, when people do things like this...I am like, RAWR. I see red. If I was still an impulsive person, I would lash back. Instead, I think about it. I fantasize about saying rude crap for a few hours. I complain. I lick my wounds...I might even cry a little, because I'm very sensitive. I think about old wounds, too like you do. I cry some more. Then I think, what the hell am I doing... The great great great thing...Is you DO have the means to protect yourself!! SO, you don't need those super heavy defensive armors anymore. I'm not saying, bare your soul to the people who would prey on it like vultures - But you've got much, much more efficient ways of dealing with things now. I'm not saying I'm efficient. I mean, look at that up there(lol). But, it's better. It's better than it was. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Well I have a marshmellow heart at the centre very much so. But I will be damned if someone is going to call me self serving when I have given my entire life to other so much to exclusion of myself that my counsellor feels it is almost criminal. Then to be called self serving. Oh HELL NO! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Thanks for talking about this openly Vic. It feels good to have someone who understands this to talk to again. So much of life is spent either trying to compensate for it/deal with it privately/go about business and not want to make it a huge focus...but there is something about simply letting it all hang out that feels really good and natural. It was a big step for me to post my story. Even here on an online forum, I didn't want people to know that particular part of my story. I didn't want people to filter me that way. Because that doesn't have to do with my essence - essence, great word! - it is something that happened to me. Well anyways sorry to make this about me at all. This is your journal! Just wanted to express my appreciation for your candidness and sharing. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Thanks for talking about this openly Vic. It feels good to have someone who understands this to talk to again. So much of life is spent either trying to compensate for it/deal with it privately/go about business and not want to make it a huge focus...but there is something about simply letting it all hang out that feels really good and natural. It was a big step for me to post my story. Even here on an online forum, I didn't want people to know that particular part of my story. I didn't want people to filter me that way. Because that doesn't have to do with my essence - essence, great word! - it is something that happened to me. Well anyways sorry to make this about me at all. This is your journal! Just wanted to express my appreciation for your candidness and sharing. Thank you too. Both you and Cheet also help me so much in this regard. Yes, it is hard when people don't "get it". Yes, it is a part of us and always will be, but it is not all we are. I try to be candid as I can and I tell my story of being sexually abused because so many women and girls suffer in needless silence. " Sounds of Silence like a cancer grows" Right? It can only continue if we are silent. My voice was taken away as a child but I will darned well have a voice now. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I for one, appreciate your being candid. For the rest of us who maybe worked through it but want to leave it back there now, except sometimes it crops up and the isolation drives you mad, or for those who can't find their voice. Thank you. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I relate to this too. lol. Rawwwrrrr. I had a flash of red today at someone who has little impact in my life - just because. Just because they hit a button for me. I'm grateful I'm not at a "attack and think later" mode anymore. I used to be. You wized up quicker than me! haha. awesome post. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I for one, appreciate your being candid. For the rest of us who maybe worked through it but want to leave it back there now, except sometimes it crops up and the isolation drives you mad, or for those who can't find their voice. Thank you. I guess I am still trying to find my voice is because I was denied one forever and it outrages me so bad. It is worse than the abuse even. It wrankles me so bad I can not even have words of the depth of that. I just can't let THAT particular injustice go because it was committed by supposedly "sane" people. My father's family kicked me. My dad kicked me, the law kicked me and society kicked me. But I am STILL here and the most powerful thing I have is my voice. My counsellor said she admires my courage. I told her I post about it on this site and she said I am probably helping others out of silence. I refuse to back down and I never will until I die. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I relate to this too. lol. Rawwwrrrr. I had a flash of red today at someone who has little impact in my life - just because. Just because they hit a button for me. I'm grateful I'm not at a "attack and think later" mode anymore. I used to be. You wized up quicker than me! haha. awesome post. Yeah I get angry but I do not character assissinate. I HATE that. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 what's going down with the letter, are you waiting until his visit is over? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yeah that is on hold until he's gone and until I get to talk to my counselor about what my brother said. I also want to think more about the family fallout. I want to talk to my brother more about what it might mean to him. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I won't get to see my counselor this week because I will be back home but I will see her next week. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Are you afraid of the potential fall-out? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Are you afraid of the potential fall-out? Well it will hurt a bit. But it could mean they ostracize my brother too. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Holy crap my aunt's husband called here and he's never called me my whole entire life. He didn't leave a message but I wonder what's up. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Are you going to call back? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I don't think so. If they didn't leave a message it can't be that important. His name just showed up on the ID portion. But he hung up before could get to the phone. They have my cell number they can always text me. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I have turned off my PM's so only people in my contact list can contact me. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I have turned off my PM's so only people in my contact list can contact me. Everything ok? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Everything ok? Yes. No one has been bothering me at all. I just think it is time for that as I will feel better that way. You are in my contact list Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Ok good just wanted to make sure you weren't getting flamed again. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Holy cow the kittens almost ripped apart all the carpeting on a cat tree while I was asleep last night! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Ok good just wanted to make sure you weren't getting flamed again. Nah. Everything is good. I am just doing it for myself to feel secure. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Tomorrow we are headed home for the day. My son and I get our eyes tested and then we can get new glasses Yay! Link to comment
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