Thekid55's Healing Journal

[C_Unknown2005]

I don't mean to just hook up with a girl sir. Just take them out on dates and give them your time and company. I'm in no shape or form ready to sleep with anyone. Neither are you. Just start living a life without her. You have but your still holding on (we all are in some form).

I'm not over her, but something meaningless will help me.

Dont look at it like that kid. Think about if a girl wants to go on a date with you, it's their choice too they are taking time out of their life to spend a little bit with you. Your ex is not even showing that! Am i making sense?

 

I will in time talk to my ex but not for a real long time. I have nothing to say to her. Just keep your head up.

[The_Seeker]

I don't mean to just hook up with a girl sir. Just take them out on dates and give them your time and company. I'm in no shape or form ready to sleep with anyone. Neither are you. Just start living a life without her. You have but your still holding on (we all are in some form).

Dont look at it like that kid. Think about if a girl wants to go on a date with you, it's their choice too they are taking time out of their life to spend a little bit with you. Your ex is not even showing that! Am i making sense?

 

I will in time talk to my ex but not for a real long time. I have nothing to say to her. Just keep your head up.

 

If you're intention is not to date them, suggest to hang out. Girls will interpret a date as if you want them when you really don't. Truuust me.

[C_Unknown2005]

If you're intention is not to date them, suggest to hang out. Girls will interpret a date as if you want them when you really don't. Truuust me.

 

 

Hanging out going on a date whatever it's one step closer to healing for us!

[The_Seeker]

Hanging out going on a date whatever it's one step closer to healing for us!

 

;] I prefer saying "Let's hang out." instead of "Let's grab dinner, and a movie. It's a date." if I have no intention dating them or making them into lovers.

 

Girls tend to misinterpret things. Trust me. -_-; They confuse me.

[C_Unknown2005]

Haha, I get you lol.

[robert7x]

I feel like reading my own relationship, the reason for the end of it and the thoughts after.

Brother, i'm in the same damn boat. My ex too left me because she wanted to be single with 2 of her friends that destroyed their own marriage's.

 

I'm completely devasted and heartbroken and dont know how I'll get out of it.

Just like you, i too have said many times i'm done with her and all... But the thoughts are not letting me move on. They are slowly making me go insane.

 

I too wish i could just go meet someone, hang out with her, etc... Just to feel something... But my self-worth and self-esteem is so shot that i cant even leave my apartment.

[thekid55]

Robert7x- Watch the movie, Swingers.

 

You can go on Youtube and watch the entire thing.

 

We are the character Mikey in the movie. You'll see what I mean.

[thekid55]

Since I am still feeling a bit angry tonight, let me finish my rant from last night so I don't carry my angry feelings into a new week.

 

Here's the thing about me: I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night.

 

When we first started to date, you were finally getting over this jerk that broke your heart after only three months of dating. He belittled you. He cheated on you. He lied to you. He made fun of your family. He basically flat out stopped talking to you and left you in pieces. YOU HAD TO TAKE STD TESTS! I knew about this, but you were six months removed from that vicious cycle. I promised you that I would take things slow with you and I did. You appreciated that and fell in love with me. When he tried to come back in the picture, you pushed him away and said you were happy with me.

 

So now I find out that you and him talk again? He apparently apologized to you two months ago for being a jerk and you are acting now like nothing happened at all? People tell me things. I know that you and him talk again. To what extent? I don't know. I know that he invited you to his party last night. I know that you guys did not hook up last night and I really have no idea what you choose to do. What I do know is that he thinks you are absolutely pathetic and simply invites you around because he knows he has you around his finger. He controls you. All of those times that you told me that you were over it and you'd never let someone like that back into your life, was a complete lie.

 

How freaking stupid do you think I am? Have you seen my grades? Have you seen my internships? Have you seen how company executives interact with me?

 

When our friends say to you, 'what the heck are you doing?' You just simply laugh it off, make an excuse that he apologized to you, and keep moving forward. They tell you over and over that this is 'weird' and that you need to stand up for yourself. However, you just choose to ignore that advice. That shows a lack of character and a big-time personality flaw. When they say, "Uh, you are going down the same path you did three years ago". You just laugh and agree.

 

You flirt with other guys now, but they all think you are desperate, a little over-weight, and basically pathetic. You have become a loser once again.

 

Anything that I stand for or that I encompass, you want to do the complete OPPOSITE of. I stand for honesty and integrity. You choose to associate with people who lie and have cheated on you. I am stable. You want drama. I'm ready to embrace the future. You only want to think about today. I want greatness. You want fakeness.

 

Quotes you post online about 'Embracing people who treat you right in life' is the biggest bunch of crap I've ever read in my life. You are a hypocrite.

 

What happened to my beautiful, innocent, hard-working baby? Honestly. That's the biggest question I wonder about. What the hell happened? What switch clicked on in your head to make you think that this path would lead to happiness?

 

You may feel happy about it now, but again, all of this will come crashing down.

 

I could never trust you again. How would I know that you wouldn't confine in these same people again? Again, you just can't do normal and it's a damn shame because you had so much potential to be great in life.

 

Have fun paying off the $150,000 in debt, starting in June. I won't be there to help.

[tha16thletter]

LET HER HAVE IT, KID!!!! That's what I'm talkin' about... be strong, move on.

 

-P

[SA2000]

Out of all of the parts of moving on I would say anger is my favorite. As long as you dont allow it to go beyond the inside of your head its a good emotion to have. Let that be your catalyst. I use it in the gym all of the time. Its going to go in cycles but keep moving forward Kid. One day we will look back at this and smile and shake our heads and think "I can't believe I went through all of that. But I am a better man because of it" and thats whats most important here. Shift the focus back on yourself and dont dwell on others short comings. She made a mistake which she clearly will doubt later in life. If you are REALLY mad become an even bigger regret by becoming an even better person. One day she will look at you and your hot wife and think "Damn. That could have been me." Shake it off and keep moving forward.

[thekid55]

Good points guys.

 

I really only channel my angry emotions through ENA.

 

I don't voice them to people I interact with on a daily basis.

 

It's part of the process. I'm just working my way through it.

[thekid55]

I think I'm slowly moving out of the anger stage into the indifference stage.

 

Basically, I've gone from....

 

1. The Panic Stage

2. The Desperation Stage

3. The Pleading Stage

4. The Faking It Stage (NC started)

5. The Anger Stage

6. The Indifferent Stage

 

Honestly, I think I've grown through all of these stages. I really have become a better person because of it.

 

My ex, on the other hand, really hasn't taken the time alone to work on herself. Whether that is her new group of 'friends', suddenly allowing her abusive ex back into her life at whatever role. She has completely regressed to the point where I really don't know who she is/what she wants to be. I think a lot of people have filled her head with 'It's your senior year!' Well guess what? It's almost half-way over and then the bullets are live.

 

Big-time debt is right around the corner and unemployment keeps going up, up, up.

[thekid55]

Post by Zorba in late 2007. I think we have a winner:

 

There is a certain type of woman, luckily not the majority, that is a complete and utter emotional idiot(there are men the same, but I've more experience with the women type). They can be otherwise very intelligent which can make it hard to spot at first.They don't trust themselves, don't know themselves and a relationship with same can be a complete nightmare, as you can't trust them or know them as their partner. I had an ex from 10 years ago like that. It can come out of the blue too. They usually get a sexual kick from someone new and to justify it to themselves they call it love etc to try and bring the horniness and emotion together in their own heads. And of course to justify it. Now it won't matter "how much you've done for her" or any of that. When they get the itch in the pants they want it scratched, regardless of the logic involved. The new guy could be a complete idiot compared to you, but as I say logic goes out the window, in favour of hormones and stupidity.

 

You threw a spanner in the works by not acting the way she expected. This "confused" her further. She started having second thoughts about new guy. Sadly not enough to get rid of him entirely. I have to say I would be shocked if she hadn't slept with him. Now she will be guilty about it, but with this type of emotional idiot any emotion even guilt is addictive.

[thekid55]

I completely and uttlerly feel emotionless today.

 

After receiving an extremely tardy (1 week) birthday text out of the blue yesterday and finding out that her abusive ex from 3 years ago is in the picture to some degree (apparently they walk down the hallways together, hang out at the same parties), I texted her last night, basically saying, never call me, text me, or anything ever again.

 

I wake up this morning to find 2 texts and a missed call from her around 8am. The texts basically said stuff along the lines of 'why? what do you mean?' and the other was talking about how we both thought that time and space would help. that she was sorry for being standoffish and cold at the beginning because she really needed the time and space. And then she went on to say the breakup wasn't a reason for us to completely stop talking and we had something special for a long time and we should still be friends.

 

She kept texting me with more and more crap. I just told her to respect my wishes, leave me alone, etc etc. She texted me back saying 'What happened? can you please tell me?' I didn't bother to respond because I'm not getting into it.

 

I just feel completely emotionless today. I'm almost done with work for the week, but I feel like crap.

 

I did take a stand today and I basically told her that I'm not going to be her safety net. I think that woke her up and she pretty much changed her tune. I showed that I have backbone. Nonetheless, I just feel completely unhappy and 100% emotionless today.

 

She has hurt me so much and I can't stand the thought of hurting people, let alone people that I love. But this had to be done.

[shessofly]

how did she explain a birthday wish that was a week late? may as well have just said hey how ya doin, or something to that effect. you're doing well. she doesn't like losing her hold on you and now suddenly wants to be your friend. whatev. hang in there kid.

[thekid55]

Well, even after that yesterday, I texted her last night, telling her that I wanted to talk and put this whole thing to bed. She couldn't talk on the phone because she had an event and I was still at work. We ended up having a back and forth that pretty much led to nowhere. She kept telling me that she wanted to work on herself, she's not anywhere ready for something serious again. I asked her out for coffee before we have our Winter Break and she said 'I'm not sure. I'll think about it'.

 

Well, I haven't heard from her and break starts in 3 days, so I'm just chalking that one up as a lost cause.

 

Back to NC. Day 1 complete all over again. Like, for real NC this time. No more Facebook or anything.

 

A friend told me that guys do not talk to her at bars and stuff. However, my friend's girlfriend is tight with my ex's Ex from three years ago. He is apparently around a lot. My ex completely denied anything going on between them. She actually told me this twice. One time when she was panicking in the morning and another time at night. She would never admit to it, but she voluntarily told me that nothing is going on.

 

Hopefully, Santa brings me clarity for Christmas. I have been good this year.

[C_Unknown2005]

Like I said before man just cut the cord... If she want's to talk to you and come back to you then she will on her terms. Kid, I'm sorry your being put through the grinder here... Just focus on you and only you my friend.

[sophia7]

I've read your posts and you always sound strong, disciplined, and clear eyed about your situation. You know what, healing means you're going to backslide once in awhile. It's a testament to your being human and not something to punish yourself for. It's only been a month for me, but I finally broke down and e-mailed my ex today. I'm guessing his reply will probably tell me what I need to truly let go. It sounds similar for you. Just keep looking ahead.

[thekid55]

I already know that I am a prize.

 

Winter break starts on Wednesday night for me. What does that mean?

 

Collecting my Dean's list ceritificate, finishing up with my internship, going to Boston with a few friends before Christmas, and then going home to spend Christmas with the people who care about me the most.

 

Also, a lot of healing and seeing my friends from home. A few girls from home cannot wait for me to get back. Basically, clawing me through texts.

 

I haven't hooked up or been with anyone since my ex. Definitely will be interesting and will make for a worthwhile journal post.

[thekid55]

You gotta love the movie Swingers. Anytime I feel down, I always watch that. Makes me feel 100x better.

[thekid55]

Read this little nugget on Majord's 'The Perfect Plan' thread on Page 21...

 

"Well first and foremost, don't read too much into what your ex says...unless he is asking for you back.

 

Remember (and you'll hear this alot on the forum) that Actions speak louder than words. Just ask scruff - he refused to allow himself to be swayed by his ex's words until they became actions. If he had have been 'roped in' by what is his ex was *saying*, instead of focussing on what she was *doing*, then he would not have had the strength to get her back.

 

I asked my ex if she saw us getting back together and she said "I'll have to say no at the moment".

 

Now, I could choose to focus on one of 2 parts of her statement: Either I listen to the I listen to the: "...at the moment".

 

I chose to hear "No".

 

Why? Because her saying "at the moment" was *her* insecurity speaking, and also because she probably genuinely doesn't know how she will feel in the future (hell, who does?).

 

Your ex boyfriend is saying things to keep you hopeful, but all that does is stop you from moving on - it allows him to do what he wants whilst knowing that he has you waiting for him in the bleachers in case he changes his mind.

 

Your ex is saying that he wouldn't exclude the possiblility of getting back together with you. Hey, I can't exclude the possibility that I will marry Jennifer Aniston....it doesn't mean that it's going to happen. Then again, Jen's on the rebound...so I'm backing myself in

 

Bottom line - he doesn't want to be with you. That is what you have to take on board and stop yourself from focussing on anything else that he says that prevents you from moving forward.

 

You have to focus on moving on, keeping your emotions under control while communicating with your ex - and don't look back while your ex is asking you to...he should have to grab you by the shoulder and turn you around.

[thekid55]

This is good too...

 

When you're the one to call off a relationship, there's always a sense of relief when you finally get up the guts to do it. but one of two things happens: Either the guy takes his lumps and goes away, which leaves you to wonder how he's doing and recast the story of your breakup - the version in which he's a hell of a guy whom you'll really miss and look back on your time together fondly. When you run into him again months later, you'll be strangely attracted to him. Then there's the guy who won't accept the bad news. he plays hot potato with the breakup, constantly throwing it back in your hands and refusing to go away. he's the one your friends will forever hate and refer to as "The Crazy Ex-Boyfriend." When you run into him again, years after the restraining order, there's no attraction - just the memory of his bad behavior.

[thekid55]

Post by Zorba about GIGS.

 

Now the next time you're dealing with her and she brings this coldness of yours up again(and she will, guaranteed), say to her calmly that yes the focus is on you and your daughter and you need space to move on, but you would be willing to talk with her further if and only if she's willing to work on your relationship anew. If not you feel as the present situation should continue. Do not jump the gun and tell her to dump the new guy just yet. Big mistake. That won't work. It'll put her under pressure and she'll get all "confused" again. If she agrees to talking about a future together, he'll get his marching orders very soon after that and it'll be all her idea. That way it'll stick. Then he may well be around here a week later with the thread title; "Why did this married woman leave me... Sod sob..

 

If anyone thinks this is playing games, it's not. Boundaries, self improvement, standing up for yourself and fighting for a relationship that had a lot of good elements are not games. I know one couple where the woman did this kind of thing and 6 years later they're both glad she did.

[thekid55]

Another Zorba posting:

 

'The letting yourself go is not the main issue although it contributed. While you lost sight of the ball for a while, that's no excuse for her to pull what she pulled. Life in a relationship has it's ups and downs and a good couple will work through that. I'm sure she's not the woman you got involved with in the first place either. A few extra lines and a few more pounds no doubt. You didn't drop her for an update did you?

 

If you want her back you can still get her back. The excitement of him and the sexual part will only keep her interest for a while. Trust me on that. It may take a while and because she's trying to avoid the obvious problems with him, any nice things on his part will be blown out of proportion by her.

 

Example from my own life: Many moons ago... I was seeing this woman for a while. I was in one of those phases of not really being interested in anything long term. A bit of company with sex on the side kinda thing. She told me she had split from her ex 9 months before meeting me. So far so good. She seemed cool and the sex was hot and heavy(if a little dull).

 

The more we were together the more she was telling me about the ex. She said he had let himself go and didn't give her attention in the bedroom and he was hung like a mosquito. I started to think big red flag here as I really don't need to be hearing this stuff and although I didn't know the bloke, it was a tad disrespectful towards him. Luckily I wasn't getting that attached to her. I really started to get the impression all was not as it seemed.

 

I was right. I bumped into a friend of mine that it turned out knew this woman's ex and it also turned out that they had only split 1 week after she met me first. He apparently had begged her to come back, but to no avail. He finally wished her well and then broke all contact with her. The more he didn't respond to her the more agitated she got around me. Of course I didn't let on I knew anything. When I did tell her some of what I knew, she told me the same as she's telling him. I'm sooo "confused". To be honest when I hear the confused line from women it really does irritate me greatly. I presume the women out there would feel the same when guys do it. P's me off no end. Anyway I digress, I also got emails along the lines of what you've seen there too.

 

I then got her trying to make me fit a mould that her libido had formed in her head. It wasn't taking as I knew what she was like at that stage and I felt that she was trying to turn me into her ex with extra in the bedroom dept. Still he continued to ignore her and I saw less and less of her. To be truthful, I was happier about that. Guess what? She went back to him in the end.

 

The sexual side will interest her even obsess her at first, but it won't last, especially if there's no real future with this guy.

 

Keep up very LC and start to move on.

 

For what it's worth that guy above I actually met 6 months later after she went back to him(through the same mutual friend). He was initially aggressive at first, but he calmed down and we got to talking. Nice fella too. Also for what it's worth I gave him the same advice I'll give you now. Unless she changes her tune radically, walk away, as she'll pull the same stroke with someone else down the line. Jobless guy will find that out sooner rather than later. That guy I talked to did. She jumped ship a year later, then rang me to "meet" 6 months after that. Needless to say I declined. Truth be told the sex wasn't as good as she thought. Your ex could be different, you know her better or at least you think you do, but I would be careful.

 

I would also be careful of painting other women with the same brush. That will happen as part of your healing process, but that will pass. Sure there a lot of confused idiotesses out there, but there are also very good women too. You just have to keep your eyes and heart open'.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The more you do what you're doing the more she's convincing herself there's another woman bouncing on her safety net. She's even self bargaining, "ok he's not with someone, but he may be starting with someone". She's building a fantasy in her own head, not to assuage her guilt that you're involved or she would be acting differently.

 

More to the point she can't believe you're acting this way. She can't believe the one person she could rely on no matter what, won't take her crap anymore. This is rattling her big time. Standard stuff. Some are so obvious it's like reading a childrens book.

 

She's having boundaries set for her. Someone she thought she had control over is now in the driving seat and she likes it. She won't explain it that way to herself, but that's what's happening. Her interest is definitely up. What you decide to do about it is up to you, but you have far more options to hand now, than when you were trying to hard to get her back.

 

Keep it up, for you not for her. If she decided to crawl back let her do it under hr own steam.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

She's seeing you drift away. More than that she's testing your boundaries. Don't let her. If you give an inch she'll take a mile. If she needs comfort let jobless boy do that for her and let her find out for herself if he's anthing more than a walking talking sex aid. Her comfort, beyond providing for your child, is no longer your job, it's his and since he's not gainfully employed elsewhere, surely he has the time on his hands?

 

You're doing great. Keep it going.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

In your case I would stay pretty much as you are. Don't bring up the relationship. Don't mention the new guy and don't criticise him. If she criticises you, then unless she's way out of line agree with her. If she says she thinks it's over between you again agree with her and say that with the current situation it is. Don't go over how much you've done for her and the family. Don't keep telling her you love her or worse can't live without her. She knows this and you saying it out loud will look like bargaining. Sound weird and instinctively wrong? It works. You do all of that and she will be thinking about you more as you're no longer fighting her over something she believes. It may make her question those beliefs. Keep That shared history you have will be another advantage. Add a new improved you, the next time you see her and you have more hope than you're looking at now.

[thekid55]

One from Jeffster...

 

"If you can pull this off, and I'm sure you can, This strategy will totally change the dynamic of your relationship. And it's such A simple concept that I don't know why I didn't think to try this earlier.

 

What am I talking about?

 

Let the ex chase you!!!

 

I mean it. You'll be amazed at how the ex will change overnight from someone who wants practically nothing to do with you to someone who's calling YOU, wanting YOU, asking YOU out, and chasing YOU!!! I'm serious!!!

 

Want to know more?

 

First, a little backroung on myself... (and please, bear with me, I'm NOT anywhere near a profesional writer!).

 

I originally dated my ex for around two years and we had a pretty decent relationship, but it seemed like I was always chasing after her, trying to make her fall in love with me. I'd call her almost everyday, think about her constantly, show up at her house unexpectedly, pressure her for kisses and hugs and affection, always stay too long and try to keep her on the phone as long as possible, do all kinds of nice stuff for her even though she did very little for me and then I'd pout when I didn't get what I wanted. Well, this went on and on, and sometimes she'd surprise me and do something very sweet for me. This would just make me try harder because it proved in my mind that what I was doing was working. Well, after about two years of this, the day finally came when I called her up and she wouldn't answer. After trying and trying, I finally got a hold of her and she simply said it was over. I was totally devestated--and I never even saw it coming.

 

Fast forward six months when I finally found this forum and learned all about the no contact thing...

 

Since she refused all contact with me I was already in N/C, but I decided after reading Super Dave's posts that I was doing the right thing and all I had to do was maintain it. Then, one day, out of the clear blue sky she contacts me! I was floored...

 

So, after waiting what I thought was the right amount of time, I called her back. And we talked and joked and laughed and had a great time. Then I asked her to meet me for coffee and she did. We had a great time. Then I went right back to what I had doing before and started calling her and asking her out and stayin on the phone too long, etc, etc.

 

Well, it didn't take me too long until I started sensing that she was pulling away and I was at risk of losing her all over again. But what was I doing wrong?

 

At first I figured she just wasn't attracted to me enough, and as is turned out, I was right, but I tried to use the wrong solution. I started hitting the gym twice as often, getting expensive haircuts and wearing designer clothes. Nothing. So I tried chasing her even more and being even nicer. Nothing. So then I thought about buying a new car or trying to make her jeolous, but luckily, instead, I happened to read something on one of the forums that changed everything... Let HER chase YOU!!!

 

Sooo...

 

I hunkered down in my house, tied myself to a chair and waited to hear from her. And I waited... And waited.. And waited some more.. And presto!!! After what seemed like an eternity, SHE CALLED!!!

 

I didn't answer it and she left me a message sounding all concerned asking me if everything was okay!! I couldn't believe it!!!

 

Then, after waiting like a half hour, I got myself into a great mood and I called her back and told her everything was great! --Thanks for asking. Then we proceed to have a really fun, flirty conversation and after about fifteen minutes I tell her I have to go. She sounds all bummed out but she understands and lets me go. So far, so good.

 

Then, at 9AM I am awakened by my phone. It's her!!! This time I answer and she's practically begging me to let her come over to my house that evening and cook me dinner. I can't believe it! Is this the same girl?

 

Then I tell her that sounds great, but I can't allow her to come over for three more days. She's dissapointed, but she agrees and we end up having one of our best dates ever.

 

Now, at this point, it's like the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed. I can't hardly get rid of her. I rarely, if ever call her. She asks me out and she's the one who's acting all nice and affectionate. It's sooo awesome!!!

 

So, here's the deal. This is all based on one simple fact of human psychology, everyone wants what they can't have. And everyone values what they have to work for to get.

 

The key to this whole deal is to not try this unless the other person has a certain level of attraction for you. You must spend some time with them at first getting them to like you. Then, and only then, do you wait for them to come to you. If you do not do this, you more than likely will be waiting a very long time to hear from them!

 

The other thing is, this is not a game of playing hard to get. You are not hard to get. You simply have a really great life and you don't want to waste any of your precious free time on idle chit chat. Be the first one to end all interactions! And try to end on a high note when the two of you are having lots of fun. The other thing to keep in mind is that this strategy is very hard to employ at first. You must wait to hear from them for at least 4 or 5 days before you contact them with something short and sweet. And, also, you have to go on faith at first that this will work. Just stay focused on success and you'll do fine."