How to support my BF with his adopted daughter??

[floridagirlal]

About a year after my bf married his first wife, her parents (not her, strange) came to him and asked him to adopt his wife's child that she had before they were together. He approached his parents for their advice. They were leary of the situation and even asked him how he would feel if he got divorced and was left to pay child support for the child. Well, the wife and her parents ASSURED my bf's parents that they would never let that happen. They were more concerned with removing the biological father's name from the birth certificate so he could never come back and try to claim the child. Famous last words....

 

Fast forward 15 years. My bf and his ex wife were divorced 3 years ago. During that time, the child (now, 17) repeatedly told my bf that he was not her dad, she hated him, etc. She went to live with her mother full time. My bf pays child support and ALL costs for her. She doesn't call him EVER. She never comes to see him. There is no relationship there at all. My bf still invites her for holidays and we celebrated her birthday at his house this weekend. She is a nasty, disrespectful, unappreciative person. I know this is horrible for me to be saying this about a child but it is just so true.

 

My problem is that I don't know how to act in this situation. My bf really doesn't want to support her and can't wait for her to graduate this year. His mother and sister keep the relationship going because they feel the responsibility to this child.

 

This is such an ambiguous situation. I want to encourage my bf in the right way but I'm struggling. Please share your thoughts.

[Anonymous122]

I guess I would just let him make his own decisions on the matter and try to remain positive. Its obvious that he made a terrible mistake, and this particular mistake is why so many men won't date single mothers.

[DN]

In some jurisdictions he would have been on the hook for child support even if he hadn't adopted her. This is something he is probably better off not fighting.

[uncomfynumb]

Well your BF agreed to the adoption so now she is his responsibility. That said, your BF seems to be trying to do the right thing and that is how you should support him by reminding him that he is doing the right thing and to encourage him to keep doing the right thing, not by dwelling on the negatives here.

 

As for the daughter, a lot of teens are as you say she is. Just remember it may not be as easy to be her as you think it is.

[lavenderdove]

There's only a year left before he can cut ties with her... and he is only legally required to pay child support, NOT attend parties, invite her over etc.

 

So if he really wanted to, he could quit seeing her right now, but is on the hook financially for another year. It's cheaper to just pay that year than to try to go to court to change that, when he'd have little success of doing so anyway.

 

So really, he has to tolerate the financial support for another year, but it is his choice to actually see her or have her over etc. I'd just let it go for the next year, then see if he lets her fade out of his life or not. But i definitely wouldn't consider marrying him if you can't stand the daughter and he plans to keep seeing her for all holidays etc.

[turnera]

There's no reason to change anything at this point; she'll be on her own (hopefully) in 8 months. Plus, by you being decent about it instead of dwelling on negatives, you're probably the only people in her life showing her good role models. Someday, she'll mature, and may choose to emulate you.

[avman]

Ok I can see where he'd feel a bit put out that he's going to have to support her, but on the other hand he was her father figure for the last 15 years. That's pretty much this child's entire life. It's really sad that this child is so unappreciative and cold. But still, she needs to eat. At least she's 17 and support will only last a year or so.

 

Try to be as understanding as you can with your boyfriend. He's stuck in a really tough spot with no easy answers. But it is temporary and you can maybe try to remind him of that when he gets down or gets angry and frustrated.

[abitbroken]

I would just do whatever I could not to antagonize the situation. it could be that the relationship was a positive one and the ex wife has just sort of poisoned her daughter. Support him on continuing to support the daughter until she is graduated, etc. He made the decision to adopt her. Therefore, she IS his daughter. I encourage you to support future casual contact, such as Christmas cards, etc. Be the bigger person. This young lady is most likely hurting and many teenagers - usually younger than her but whatever - might say that they hate a parent. She could be totally different when she's 25.

 

I am glad that his mother and sister keep the relationship going as grandmother and aunt. When adults divorce, the children don't get divorced. If they were married 1 year, that's different, but I agree, he has been there practically her whole life so shouldn't disappear. The obligation doesn't erase as he adopted her. He just merely doesn't financially support her after a certain time.

 

I would just not get "involved" - as you are not a stepmother. Don't present "solutions" for him. You are with HIM and are only concerned with comforting him, etc - you are not in a position to fix it lest you be cast as the "meddling lover"

[floridagirlal]

It seems that I made it sound as if he is trying to get out of child support. He isn't. He is paying up with little complaint.

 

I believe that they must have had a decent relationship at one point but I don't know that I would say that it was ever a great relationship. I believe that the mother has poisoned her from the very early years. I say that because of other examples that he has shared with me.

 

I have talked with my bf about this and have asked him for his input. I've asked him what kind of relationship I should try to have with her and I've tried to explain to him that I don't have a history with her or fond memories of her so every negative thing that he says about her creates my image of her. I've asked him to define this relationship for me so I can assume that "position". He just says that he doesn't know where HE stands and can't tell me what I should do.

 

Our conversations of marriage are more and more serious and I expect a proposal in the next few months. So, do I become a stepmother? I mean, if she's saying that he's not her dad, then I guess I'm not her stepmother either.

 

I really want to do the right thing and I WANT to be the bigger person. I truly do. It's difficult when I only hear negative things about her.

[WockaWocka]

I agree with most others here. Try to be supportive of his decisions on the matter. It's a tough situation for both the daughter and your bf, but he's trying to make the best of it. He only has a year of support left. You can appreciate that he's acted honorably and even above and beyond the minimum level of effort required, and appreciate him even more for that. And in ten or twenty years time the daughter may get over her anger and herself and they may forge a closer relationship. Or not.

 

I'd say the only way in which supporting the daughter would concern you is if you and he were engaged or married and he was asked to help finance her college tuition or buy her a car or something. His money would still be his, but at that point there might be a reason to sit down and talk about it. But unless/until that's the case, I'd just try your best to stay out of it and act kindly.

 

good luck.

[abitbroken]

Yes, you would be a stepmother if you married him, but do not impose yourself upon her. Let things sort of sort themselves out instead of deciding what your role will be. If you meet her, be polite and hopefully you will meet in a neutral location and simply treat her as someone who is new to you with no preconceived notions. From the sounds of it, you won't really be having a relationship with her at this point, but who knows down the road.

[catfeeder]

I would ask BF how I can best support him, and I'd do whatever he asks short of giving advice or opinions of any kind.

 

BF might 'think' he wants someone to talk him out of participating in his daughter's life, but if you go along with that and he regrets his actions later, you've set yourself up as the villain who influenced him.

 

I'd be Switzerland. If he asks what to do, I'd ask him what he wants to do.

 

I'd also consider that a kid being crummy isn't a newsflash, and one who's been abandoned by her natural father and a burden to her temporary father is likely to have some big problems. I'd be careful not to villainize the girl--she's already batting zero.