Stop Searching and they find you?

[GernBlanston]

I've approached guys and in most of the cases the guys weren't interested in me.

It seems that many women who have this experience, or hear of this experience from other women, draw the conclusion that approaching guys doesn't work. Bear in mind, though, that for men who approach women - in most of the cases, the women aren't interested in them. Is it reasonable for them to conclude that approaching women doesn't work?

[red_sky_girl]

It seems that many women who have this experience, or hear of this experience from other women, draw the conclusion that approaching guys doesn't work. Bear in mind, though, that for men who approach women - in most of the cases, the women aren't interested in them. Is it reasonable for them to conclude that approaching women doesn't work?

 

right...your logic is right ...and i think when we generalize things (according to every individual experience) we miss out opportunities cause we are based on others opinions or experiences and not ours...im convinced that every situation is so different no matter if they seem to be alike ... this is so frustrating sometimes...hhhhhhhgggggghhhhh

[Curious_Girl]

You are very insightful, NormalSin. This was exactly the mistake I made with my ex. I loved the man I wanted him to be, the man he could have been. I don't know about men, but a lot of women do this.

[MD Geist]

I believe this is true for some. The good looking and the wealthy people have the privegle to sit and wait. Everybody else has to keep trying and pray somebody says yes.

[Nidania]

I believe this is true for some. The good looking and the wealthy people have the privegle to sit and wait. Everybody else has to keep trying and pray somebody says yes.

 

I'm certainly not good looking, and most definitely not wealthy. But I found a great guy by not looking for him at all. It just sort of... happened. At the time I met my fellow, I was completely sworn off men. Did not have the time of day for them. Until my current BF showed up, just as a friendly ear and a kind shoulder. Things just developed from there. Neither of us expected it, nor did we expect anything from one another.

[Frosted_Cherry]

If this is really true, to stop looking and caring and it will come to you, how do you do that?

I can say one thing, I have only been in love once, and I fell in love with a girl that I didnt even like at first (actually hated her) then became friends, then I fell in love with her. We hung out little by little and then grew more and more, then bam it hit me one day. Point is, I fell in love with someone that I did not expect to fall for.

 

However, that never worked out and I havent been looking for a girl but would love to have one all summer and nothing has happened? I havent approached any girls just for the fact of getting their number or approached any girls for that matter.

 

So is there a step by step process to not look? I feel like I am not doing it right if this saying is true.

[Nidania]

There is no rule book to not looking. It's something you have to determine for yourself, all the way down to your core. You have to TRULY believe that you are okay, and that your life is just dandy with or without someone else in it.

 

You need to learn to feel comfortable and complete in your own skin. How you do that is up to you, everyone is different.

[Frosted_Cherry]

I believe that most people on here do love themselves, myself included. I love myself, nothing wrong with me and whenever someone doesnt want me, I automatically conclude that they are the problem, not me.

 

However, this could be a downside, always putting the blame on girls, makes me despise them in a way and brings out negative vibes, that is just because I have been hurt so much.

 

It feels like I need more then loving myself

[carra]

I believe that most people on here do love themselves, myself included. I love myself, nothing wrong with me and whenever someone doesnt want me, I automatically conclude that they are the problem, not me.

 

However, this could be a downside, always putting the blame on girls, makes me despise them in a way and brings out negative vibes, that is just because I have been hurt so much.

 

It feels like I need more then loving myself

Frosted Cherry, I think you have really seen the problem here.

 

Let's say a man gets rejected many times. After some time he is obviously going to have negative emotions about it, because he gets frustrated. Those negative emotions will inevitably end associated to some idea in his head, being some of the most common:

 

- Himself

- Women in general

- Society

- Other men who get women

 

But as you have realised, none of the options are good. Blame yourself and you destroy your self-esteem. Blame women and you grow bitter against them. Etc...

 

However, while we know the problem, there is no clear solution to this... As you have said here, loving yourself can only do so much because in many cases it cannot address the cause of the problem (which is, getting rejected).

[Frosted_Cherry]

Frosted Cherry, I think you have really seen the problem here.

 

Let's say a man gets rejected many times. After some time he is obviously going to have negative emotions about it, because he gets frustrated. Those negative emotions will inevitably end associated to some idea in his head, being some of the most common:

 

- Himself

- Women in general

- Society

- Other men who get women

 

But as you have realised, none of the options are good. Blame yourself and you destroy your self-esteem. Blame women and you grow bitter against them. Etc...

 

However, while we know the problem, there is no clear solution to this... As you have said here, loving yourself can only do so much because in many cases it cannot address the cause of the problem (which is, getting rejected).

 

I agree with you 100% There is no situation where you can win here. You either kill your own self esteem (which is awful) or have negative attitudes towards love and woman (believe me, its not fun and hurts people)

[carra]

Actually the only solution I see is just not to get frustrated, but I don't think that is possible for a long time. You will always want love and sex in your life, since it's a natural desire and an important part of life overall. So the only way to do that would be something antinatural like becoming asexual...

 

Not very appealing to tell the truth.

[red_sky_girl]

i think what you guys has written make sense....i can see me self in the past..when a guy left me...i started to dout on myself , i though i was unworthy and a bad gf.....and i hated man then...i could change my mind 4 or 5 years later, when i grew up, become more mature and now i see things from a different prespective...i think looking for potential partners is not a good idea..i think this expression should be right....

 

its not only about loving yourself its about knowing who your really are....knowing your deeper self ....working each day to create the self that you want to be...no matter what...and live life in harmony with your own soul no matter what...its about recognizing your potential and becoming clear of what really makes your happy and follow the bliss...

 

you know im starting to think that i can know if something or someone is not good for me, by seeing or measuring if that thing or the person makes me feel miserable or makes me feel good about myself....then i chose....i think this works for me....

 

i have been waiting 11 months for a guy to make a move....the guy i liked at work..he didnt ..i continued to wait and wait...wait for what????? This waiting is killing me and it is not the right thing for me....this guy is not the right thing for me....i have decided to not think about this story anymore and i already feel better....

[freeindeed]

Do whatever comes natural to you, because then you'll get what you desire, naturally. Ie... if you are a traditional girl, you prefer a man to ask you out, do NOT try to force yourself to ask out a guy... Same with a guy who prefers women to ask them out, they shouldn't try to do something that feels unnatural.

 

I prefer to date a traditional guy, so I pretty much let them come to me... and when they do, I make light conversation... keep it happy. The guy who expects me to come to him... just isn't my type anyway So it all works out... naturally

[Manco]

Do whatever comes natural to you, because then you'll get what you desire, naturally. Ie... if you are a traditional girl, you prefer a man to ask you out, do NOT try to force yourself to ask out a guy... Same with a guy who prefers women to ask them out, they shouldn't try to do something that feels unnatural.

 

I prefer to date a traditional guy, so I pretty much let them come to me... and when they do, I make light conversation... keep it happy. The guy who expects me to come to him... just isn't my type anyway So it all works out... naturally

 

I agree, except a woman must give signals. Eye contact, smile, wave, whatever. If its not there at best you will get a traditional drunk approaching you because they cold approach anything.

[easyguy]

I think life has a way of throwing people at us who inspire us , who mirror us , who make us realize the possibilities of living and allow us to wake up. Does there have to be one "soulmate"? Not necessarily. It's about being grateful for every relationship we have , every person we date who makes us feel good. A soulmate is a person who opens you up , who may not share a lot of mutual interests , but excites your own desire to change or to be open to the vibrations of experiencing aspects of life that are held back.

 

When people like this enter your life , be thankful.

[Manco]

 

When people like this enter your life , be thankful.

 

This is an interesting point, because I have had a girl who was my soul mate in every way except her looks. I just couldn't get past that so I had to end it. For me it was more like a cruel joke than an miracle to be thankful for.

 

Still, I see where you're coming from.

[easyguy]

This is an interesting point, because I have had a girl who was my soul mate in every way except her looks. I just couldn't get past that so I had yo end it. For me it was more like a cruel joke than an miracle to be thankful for.

 

Still, I see where you're coming from.

 

I don't think soulmates exist only through romantic partnerships. Like , how often do you meet someone who , just by the sharing of her gifts , of her excitements , nourishes inside of you excitement and awakening? These people , it would be unwise methinks to abandon friendships simply because of desire for something greater.

 

And what I find always happens is , when I am at the apex of excitement , romance walks in. So in that regard , growth and excitement become a catalyst for the world to respond with benevolence.

 

If this girl and I stay as friends and not venture into more intimate terrain , I am still thankful. Thankful that people like her are around , and is a kind of energy that I'd want to spread to others. It's about going with the flow , in spite of whatever conflicting desires may simmer.

 

If a romantic partnership becomes your highest purpose in life , you are likely to never be happy.

[Jayauntae F.]

no, you take it easy and have fun and put your priorities in order and you'll run accross them or they'll run accross you.....

[compwhiz345]

no' date=' you take it easy and have fun and put your priorities in order and you'll run accross them or they'll run accross you.....[/quote']

 

See...about that...I honestly have tried putting my own priorities first because I should be worrying about myself and not someone else yet right? I'm ok with who I am, but some posts have mentioned a bit of bitterness toward women, and I agree that I may have that because I keep getting passed up and aren't given a chance like the rest of the guys. Do you really believe that if I keep working at a job and going to school and not paying attention on trying to date people "i'll run accross them or they'll run accross me?"

[Sparkly Eyes]

It's funny that people think it's true just because it happened to them. It might be true for them(because of their own personality) or just be something by chance.

 

Personally no, I don't believe in it and it has NOT been true for me. I think it's something we tell people to take the stress off of their minds. This way they might look more appealing to the members of the opposite sex.

[wsim]

It's funny that people think it's true just because it happened to them. It might be true for them(because of their own personality) or just be something by chance.

 

Personally no, I don't believe in it and it has NOT been true for me. I think it's something we tell people to take the stress off of their minds. This way they might look more appealing to the members of the opposite sex.

 

Yeah, I agree with this totally. Same here. I tried to be passive and not look.... still come up empty handed. It doesn't work for everyone.

[LightbulbSun]

Yeah, I agree with this totally. Same here. I tried to be passive and not look.... still come up empty handed. It doesn't work for everyone.

 

I try to stay positive, but even girls around me aren't looking at me, anymore. I dunno, maybe I've gotten too old to have a first love...I certainly am not getting any younger, and this 'virgin' status is like a monkey on my back. ](*,)

[dr_styles]

This is where people really need to look at themselves and history. I can say for sure that for me, I definitely have to look. I've done the live-my-life thing for so long that no one's words could convince me otherwise.

 

Better knowing I'm not attractive (not to be confused with ugly/bad/turn off) and having to work a little harder, than someone living a lie. You can't just wake up at (say) 35, realise you've never gone on a date and then change in a rush to find love and a family.

[carra]

It's funny that people think it's true just because it happened to them. It might be true for them(because of their own personality) or just be something by chance.

 

Personally no, I don't believe in it and it has NOT been true for me. I think it's something we tell people to take the stress off of their minds. This way they might look more appealing to the members of the opposite sex.

You are completely right here. The truth is, people in general are quite more shallow than what we like to believe. Your attractiveness and your chances of dating are (generally) not very influenced by all the stuff we are discussing in these forums: confidence, demeanor, niceness, not looking, whatever...

 

We are making it very complicated, but the answer to all this is actually quite simple: physique. Your general fitness level (specifically, body fat %) is the main factor everybody looks for. All the other factors such as confidence etc, are only taken into account ONCE YOU PASS that first filter.

 

If you don't believe what I'm saying, take a look at this thread:

 

link removed

 

And before someone says that it's just confidence you build when getting into shape, read this post. It is one of the posts which best describes it all (post #1624):

 

The change from 190kg to 90kg the first time was like the world just switched on to me and realised I existed. This was probalby 50% me and my change in outlook and attitude, but also 50% other people then started to consider me normal and just like them. This last 20kg change of becoming quite lean and 'better than average' as far as leanness and muscularity goes is really 90% other peoples attitudes changing and maybe 10% change in me with increased confidence etc. In reality this part of the journey has seen the biggest change from women.

[Sparkly Eyes]

You are completely right here. The truth is, people in general are quite more shallow than what we like to believe. Your attractiveness and your chances of dating are (generally) not very influenced by all the stuff we are discussing in these forums: confidence, demeanor, niceness, not looking, whatever...

 

We are making it very complicated, but the answer to all this is actually quite simple: physique. Your general fitness level (specifically, body fat %) is the main factor everybody looks for. All the other factors such as confidence etc, are only taken into account ONCE YOU PASS that first filter.

 

If you don't believe what I'm saying, take a look at this thread:

 

link removed

 

And before someone says that it's just confidence you build when getting into shape, read this post. It is one of the posts which best describes it all (post #1624)

 

lol, sure looks are important, but that is not what I meant. I agree with you tho...Even most women care about looks first (as much as they'd like to say they just don't care, most of them do!). That's probably why men in good shape get so much attention.

 

This reminds me of all of my losing weight battles, which were all unsuccessful, lol. I sometimes wonder if losing weight will change the amount of guys who approach me, hmmm...