Stop Searching and they find you?

[compwhiz345]

I've been single for over a year now. Don't get me wrong, I loved having my space, but now i'm really starting to miss the warmth of a women next to me again. The last relationship I had I wasn't entirely happy with because I was trying to make my ex into something she wasn't and she was trying too hard to make it happen so we'd stay together, and that's not right. So I did what I thought was best. However, so far it's been a curse since I broke it off because now she's had better luck with guys than I have had with girls in the last year, and i'm pissed. I hate being alone now. My game with women isn't at all the greatest, and i've blew it with 3 girls this summer who I hadn't even gotten a first date with yet. I'm a bit shy when it comes to asking a pretty girl out too, because I have this self-doubt instilded in my mind of fear of rejection or her lack of interest in me. I've been told to focus on something for awhile, and when you least expect it, fate will you'll bump into another opportunity for love. But, if you search for it, it'll be harder to find? Am I going insane? Lol.

 

Is this a myth or is it true for some? Should I just give up and let her find me?

 

Thanks.

[xRoh]

It's true. I can vouch for it.

 

My last two serious relationships came so suddenly and when I did least expect it. And every time I made the effort to look for someone, they were all terrible short-lived relationships.

 

You just have to stop trying!

[Snowy]

!vouch.

 

My previous and only relationship came suddenly too.

[stay_positive]

I know exactly how you feel! I feel lonely but every time I try to force myself into a relationship, it doesn't work out. I wanna stop looking but I just can't. It's terrible and drives me nuts. My last true relationship scarred me so bad...

[Stay_home]

I noticed whenever I tried to force myself into something it always had a negative effect. The more I laid back and the more I stayed to myself, relaxed, things just came much more naturally. I don't know why it works that way, but for some reason it just does.

[carra]

I can say it didn't work for me. But then again, for some of us nothing seems to work

[BriarRose]

I agree with NormalSin. The more relaxed, yourself, and laid back you are, I think this helps. So I don't like the words "give up". It's more about just living your life and being yourself, that's not giving up. Giving up implies a very negative mindset that you will never find anyone, and that is not healthy.

[newwave]

I think it depends. If you are older you really do have to search.

[LightbulbSun]

I wish I could say this worked, but it doesn't. I sat back and was passively waiting for a girl to come to me...the result? No girl came to me.

 

And I get tired of hearing this saying. You know, after the zillionth time, that it hasn't worked.

[MD Geist]

Its not true because somebody's gotta make a move or else nothing will happen so to some degree someone has to be looking.

[easyguy]

I wish I could say this worked, but it doesn't. I sat back and was passively waiting for a girl to come to me...the result? No girl came to me.

 

And I get tired of hearing this saying. You know, after the zillionth time, that it hasn't worked.

 

I don't think "stop searching" means be passive. It means stop socializing with the agenda of meeting a romantic interest. If you socialize for the sake of socializing - because you want to meet new people , you are not "searching" , but are still active in putting yourself in a position to meet someone who may like you. This means that , to put yourself in the best position possible of meeting a romantic interest , take advantage of all the opportunities you have to socialize , to communicate and interact with women. If you impose on yourself that initiating a conversation with a woman in a random public place is a threatening gesture , then you are not allowing yourself the chance to see how she actually reacts to being approached. You would otherwise be giving up , in a sense , because you are doubtful. You are perceiving an outcome that hasn't happened yet by speculation and not by being engaged and going with the flow.

 

All of the girls I've dated (though only one of them led to a serious relationship) , we met when I had no agenda of meeting a romantic interest. However , I was not passive in meeting people. If you sit back , chill , and expect things to happen for you , expect all women to approach you , you're significantly dropping your chances. If you go out and socialize with the expectation that you will meet a romantic interest , you are walking into emotionally sabotaging terrain , because most of the time , reality will not align with your expectations. You will encounter couple after couple , and the energy will likely bring you down.

[easyguy]

And with that punch to your fantasy , you will have a decrease in confidence and self-esteem , which won't get you any woman. To go about your life with 0% fantasy , just allowing others to close up or open up when receiving your energy , just being yourself , is all that you can control.

[Nidania]

I decided to try and become more social. Do more things, become a more rounded person. Just LIVE a little.

 

*bam*

 

Hello relationship!

 

I can vouch for this.

[bruinsy81]

Every individual situation is different.For someone who has never dated or been in relationships some kind of change obviously has to happen.It might be as simple as changing how you think, not necessarily overt actions .If one can look at there particular situation as objectively as they can to see where they are going wrong ,what they can do to change it up .It is usually a lot easier to change oneself then it is outside ,external factors.

[Sean]

Its not true because somebody's gotta make a move or else nothing will happen so to some degree someone has to be looking.

 

I'll have to agree with this. I mean if we all just sat around on our behind and don't search, then pretty soon the human species is going to die out. Someone is going to have to search for the other person. It's just a matter of who's brave enough to put themselves out there like that.

[MyLifeRocks]

I know exactly how you feel! I feel lonely but every time I try to force myself into a relationship, it doesn't work out. I wanna stop looking but I just can't. It's terrible and drives me nuts. My last true relationship scarred me so bad...

Gosh, you totally expressed how I feel sometimes. I just want to stop looking, but can't! I would say I am taking a break from dating, but those breaks are usually like one week! lol

[easyguy]

Gosh, you totally expressed how I feel sometimes. I just want to stop looking, but can't! I would say I am taking a break from dating, but those breaks are usually like one week! lol

 

Ahaha, I hear ya. After dating one girl , I said (to a friend of mine) , "I'm going to take a break from dating."

 

That lasted roughly 2 weeks.

[The Archer]

I think there is a balance between looking for a relationship and just chilling out and enjoying life.

Going to far either way will make it hard to find a relationship.

[Stay_home]

I gave up a long time ago... I still look but I don't search anymore; two different meanings.

[kitchty]

A friend of mine (pretty old , 50 year old guy) said:

 

"When you are looking for it , you scare everybody away"

 

I think it might be true.....If you are looking too hard, you probably come off as being too intense and agenda-driven. Not so attractive...

 

Have you ever seen something in a shop that you think you might want to buy, but you didn't walk in and take a look because the shopkeeper was kind of intense and it looked like they might be bothering you and pressuring you into buying rather than leaving you alone to look and decide for yourself?

 

Maybe the same applies for dating...they are so afraid of emotional blackmail/agenda that they avoid you altogether if you appear to be looking for it...

[Philos]

This is bull.

 

I went out on 6 first dates (never a second date), and had to do all the work (paid for everything, picked them up or met them there, asked them out, called them, etc). Love never found me lol, there were year stretches I didn't search at all.

 

Then I finally did search again and within 2 weeks found someone. They broke up with me a couple months ago, and so far just browsing I've found nothing.

[LightbulbSun]

Let me ask you girls a question:

 

If you saw a guy, attractive to you, and obviously checking you out, would you be inclined to approach him? Or would you wait for him to approach YOU?

 

I'm just wondering if, maybe, I had chances that I've blown, because I failed to approach.

 

And what signals do you send to get him to approach you? A smile? That can be taken as just friendliness. A wink? Kinda creepy. What exactly do you do to get him interested, beyond just looking at you?

[red_sky_girl]

Let me ask you girls a question:

 

If you saw a guy, attractive to you, and obviously checking you out, would you be inclined to approach him? Or would you wait for him to approach YOU?

 

I'm just wondering if, maybe, I had chances that I've blown, because I failed to approach.

 

And what signals do you send to get him to approach you? A smile? That can be taken as just friendliness. A wink? Kinda creepy. What exactly do you do to get him interested, beyond just looking at you?

 

oh man i really dont understand u guys sometimes....

as for your first question..i used to think that a guy should approach me not me him..i was so wrong i think i have made some improvments on this...and im glad i did...so now if someone likes me yeah i would find ways to aproach him..the signals i would send to him? Glances, smiling,and being kind to him always...so u think these signals for u guys are taken as friendly ????? Oh then i think i havent done nothing for this guy to understand i like him ???? Why you guys just dont get the signals sometimes, it is obvious sometimes when a girl likes you...it depends when u met her...for ex i met this guy at work i treat him with kindness but i dont do much talking as we are at work ...we do the same thing i guess...so now i see that he dosnt understand very clearly my signals....to your last question i would like u to give an answer foe me....when do u guys think a girl is interested in you? what signals should a girl give u to understan that she is interested in u

??

[newwave]

Let me ask you girls a question:

 

If you saw a guy, attractive to you, and obviously checking you out, would you be inclined to approach him? Or would you wait for him to approach YOU?

 

I'm just wondering if, maybe, I had chances that I've blown, because I failed to approach.

 

And what signals do you send to get him to approach you? A smile? That can be taken as just friendliness. A wink? Kinda creepy. What exactly do you do to get him interested, beyond just looking at you?

 

I've approached guys and in most of the cases the guys weren't interested in me. For some reason I have a loser magnet because I could be at a party with several decent looking guys and get approach by the 400 pound guy with baby mama drama.

[Stay_home]

It's just one of those things that you can't offer an explanation for. Dating just is what it is. Part of the reason we often have so much trouble finding someone is because we spend too much time trying to answer questions that really there is no answer to. We dissect dating to a "T", trying to understand all of it's components as if it's some sort of mechanically engineered object. It's like scientists spending billions of dollars in the study of the human brain; we're not ever going to figure dating out. It's just one of those things, you know when you've struck it rich and you know when you have not. The only thing different that I've changed throughout the years is that I've gotten a lot smarter about dating. Therefore, I'm much more stable in my groundings and selective as I really don't have the time nor energy to waste. You cannot be "nice" when it comes to dating or else you're just being fake. If you're not interested in somebody, you're just not interested. Never fall in love with potential. Potential is a fake promise and is not a guarantee; what you see is what you get and then some. I'm just tired of trying to understand something that I really don't ever see myself being able to understand.