Stop Searching and they find you?

[tkdfan]

I wish I could say this worked, but it doesn't. I sat back and was passively waiting for a girl to come to me...the result? No girl came to me.

 

And I get tired of hearing this saying. You know, after the zillionth time, that it hasn't worked.

 

I agree completely with this. I think it's an urban legend put about by people alredy in relationships themselves.

[MattW]

Unfortunately, there's no real answer, really. If you don't actively "look for it", people will tell you that you have to get out there and find it yourself. If you're out there "looking for it" but not finding it, people tell you that you "want it too much" and that you have to "wait for it to come to you". Neither piece of advice is wrong or right, really. In most cases, it's just a way for people to encourage you that "it" is still out there for you, and one way or another, you'll find it, but that's basically all it is -- encouragement. Nobody truly knows who (or even if) they'll end up finding the relationship they want to be in, but it's much too depressing to just flat out tell someone that.

[Manco]

You take an active role when hunting for the best jobs, the best deals, the best mortgage rates, etc... Why would you take a back seat on the most important thing of all?

 

Be active and if someone doesn't like you, move on. Never change yourself for other people. Respect your flaws and accept that you are not going to get everyone you go for.

[dr_styles]

I agree completely with this. I think it's an urban legend put about by people alredy in relationships themselves.

 

1. or those who are a little luckier in the cards they have. i.e. people who have no trouble getting dates or being approached.

2. and who wants to tell a story of how they met their guy/girl from going out, trying hard, looking, asking a lot? ofcourse not many; just plodding along living life and having someone approaching "little-ol-me" is much more romantic. Think I'm being overly dramatic? Well consider how many people don't want to tell friends or family they met on online dating.

 

I'm in a relationship right now but having been in thate dateless desperate situation I'm kind of thankful I'll never be the sort of person to give such bad advice.

[MD Geist]

I've approached guys and in most of the cases the guys weren't interested in me. For some reason I have a loser magnet because I could be at a party with several decent looking guys and get approach by the 400 pound guy with baby mama drama.

 

I think you have become more accepting to it and thats why it keeps on happening.

 

I'm certainly not good looking, and most definitely not wealthy. But I found a great guy by not looking for him at all. It just sort of... happened. At the time I met my fellow, I was completely sworn off men. Did not have the time of day for them. Until my current BF showed up, just as a friendly ear and a kind shoulder. Things just developed from there. Neither of us expected it, nor did we expect anything from one another.

 

Women are more likely to be approached than men. A girl can be flat broke but I can tell you that some guy out there would be more than happy to pay her bills just to get in her pants if she's got the appeal he's looking for, I often see it happening. A guy on the other hand thats the way it works.

[newwave]

I think you have become more accepting to it and thats why it keeps on happening.

 

Nope not more accepting, just see more cases of it.

[karenmblack]

I think there is something to this. To be very clear in our minds and hearts about what we want. Then to hold how we get there lightly.

 

An old friend of mine used to call it the 'fuzzy gray ball'. This fuzzy gray ball is the future we envision. Yet even as we approach it, it remains fuzzy, and by the time we get really close, it may change altogether.

 

So to envision a soulmate... imagine a feeling, an experience, a relationship, how you hang out on the weekend. Let go of the fact that it has to happen online, or through friends, or s/he has to have a certain hair colour education, etc. because that limits your options.

 

Focus on the feeling and stay open to how it all unfolds... so from this point of view, yes if you stop searching, they find you. Because you're focused on yourself, the present and the fuzzy gray ball, held lightly, instead of getting intense about the search itself.

 

So maybe you start online dating, then you meet them in the street! This happened to a friend of mine. She was stood up by a guy online, then met her (now) hubby on the street: he asked her directions. Funny, huh?

 

I've found this idea comforting. Hope someone else does too!

[dr_styles]

lol so the Ask-for-Directions worked for him 'ey