Abortion may have affected my views on children..

[HPZOOM]

Yeah, I am a male.

 

I always at some point in my life wanted to have children. I never really wanted it planned, but I knew that I wanted them.

 

Story- My ex of 4 years, which we recently split under bad terms in early June, became pregnant about 2 years ago. Now it was unexpected, and surprising, but it was a happy moment in my life. I never got any girl pregnant, or had to deal with those types of emotions. And naturally I was more than willing to step up to the plate. Now at that age I was 23 going on 24, and I did not finish my college, I had a O.K. job.

 

When she got pregnant, she immediately said abortion. I said okkkkaaayyyy. But then she was having second thoughts, and decided to sleep on it. So the next day I get off work, and go see her to discuss what options we have, and where we will go from there.

 

So before we initiated the conversation, she says "Me and my sisters already talked about it, and they said it was best or me to get an abortion." Blown away, is not the word to describe that. I couldn't believe that I am hearing these words. She went on to say that how she discussed it with them and they told her your too young, your father would not approve because you 2 have no real money, you guys did not finish school etc etc.

 

So as I am sitting ther with my jaw on the floor, I tell her "Children are blessings, and God dosen't give you what you can't handle". Then she said the most ridiculous thing I have heard a pregnant person say, she said "It's a curse me getting pregnant"

 

The logic behind that is she is more concerend with how her father and sisters will precievce her, she really dosen't live for herself she lives for her sisters, which ultimatly broke us up.

 

So as I am trying to make sense of the situation, she says "there is no point of talking because I had already made up my mind" It felt evil. Like Excorcisim type stuff.

 

Any way, so she makes an appointment for the clinic, and during those days leading up to it, I saw things that might have made me not want children.

 

She would smoke cigs, while still pregnant and I would tell her "Can you at least show a little effin respect" she would say "It dosen't matter I am going to kill it". Ater hearing that, I thought I could never hear anything more evil.

That with the fact she didn't even include me in the decsision, really put me off on having kids. And I don't have that playful banter anymore with my godkids, or any kids for that matter.

 

Whats funny is that her oldest sister(34) is 8 mo pregnant. And she is in the same situation that we were in if not worst. No job, no degree, no money, and the guy is the same, except for the fact he used to sell drugs. But when she got pregnant, and they had that same convo with her sisters she told them "I don't care what you or our father says, I am having my kid". I wonder if she ever regrets getting the abortion now?

 

Anyway, some people say your lucky this girl would have made your life a living hell. That may be true, but at that moment it wasn't. We were 2 1/2 years into our relationship.

 

I'm over the relationship, but it's just this part that makes me feel cold twoards having kids, or getting married.

 

Am I loosing it?

[SapphireNoir10]

No.

 

This was one situation with one fairly immature and cruel person. Although its within everyones rights she should have talked it through and made the decision with YOU the father of that child rather than taking everyone elses opinion. The comments about 'im killing it anyway' are totally unecessary and spiteful.

 

Next time, It'll be different, if you find someone you love, and decide to have children etc, it will be completely new and differetn.

[abitbroken]

I don't think you are losing it. I think you feel very hurt and I think you are very angry as well. Number one, setting the actual abortion aside for a moment, a girl that you were with for 2 1/2 years and you loved didn't think of talking to you first, but immediately consulted her sisters as if you weren't half of the equation. Also, her attitude was cold and callous and careless - the "i;ll smoke because I am killing it anyways". Some ways, you could have felt the baby was a part of you, too. I think also it was a very cold awakening to realize the girl you thought loved you would go ahead and not even consider you in the equation at all.

 

Maybe consider yourself lucky that you are not with her, because it came through loud and clear if you eventually married this young lady, that her sisters would come first in a perhaps unhealthy way. I was in a marriage where the eldest sister ruled and the mother was a bit unstable. I had her at more door telling me "we;ve decided you are not good for my brother and we want you to leave" ?!?! And he told her to butt out at first but he ultimately sided with them after they presented their arguments. They even had divorce papers ready!

 

I would seek counseling or a support group. It may not seem like it now, but things will get better and you'll meet a lady who deserves you. I would also look at resources that help people that have had miscarriages - i know its not exactly the same but having your heart ripped out after you were hoping for or expecitng the baby is something that might be addressed there and may focus more on someone who didn't make any choice to end the pregnancy where abortion counseling may focus on guys who supported an abortion but then later regretted or were wrestlign with what happened.

[bertdru]

I know this thread would be closed.

 

But anyway even if the kid were born, would you have taken care of it? I guess not. Women always have to take the burden of that. But men can judge. It is quite easy to do judge people.

 

I wouldn't call her evil. She is just a practical, level headed person. Infact I would say many people who have kids nowadays shouldn't be having kids. Look at the way they are mistreating them.

.

[abitbroken]

I know this thread would be closed.

 

But anyway even if the kid were born, would you have taken care of it? I guess not. Women always have to take the burden of that. But men can judge. It is quite easy to do judge people.

 

I wouldn't call her evil. She is just a practical, level headed person. Infact I would say many people who have kids nowadays shouldn't be having kids. Look at the way they are mistreating them.

.

 

it won't be closed if we focus on helping him with his feelings rather than debating whether abortion is right or wrong. I think we should stay away from making generalizations about some people shouldn't have kids and stick with his individual situation and try to steer him towards what he can do to heal. I think the biggest issue is the feeling that the sisters ruled the situation and the hurt he feels.

[HPZOOM]

I know this thread would be closed.

 

But anyway even if the kid were born, would you have taken care of it? I guess not. Women always have to take the burden of that. But men can judge. It is quite easy to do judge people.

 

I wouldn't call her evil. She is just a practical, level headed person. Infact I would say many people who have kids nowadays shouldn't be having kids. Look at the way they are mistreating them.

.

 

I understand what you are saying, and yes I would have raised it. I raised my little brother who is now 10, and was born when I was in High school. So it's nothing new for me.

[HPZOOM]

Honestly, it has nothing to do with the aborition like you said in a later reply. It's the fact that the situations that, were presented really threw me off. If we had both talked about it, then came to the conclusion to proced in any manner, then I would not be here posting this. But as you said setting the abortion aside, and just feeling like straight crap of what she said or put me through is the problem. It's like a swtch just turned off, and I really don't have any emotion twords having kids in the future.

[KG]

When you finally connect with a woman you love, and who loves you, you may change your mind.

 

I'm glad you are nolonger with your G/F. She sounds callous and toxic. Wait for love, and it will come together.

[HPZOOM]

When you finally connect with a woman you love, and who loves you, you may change your mind.

 

I'm glad you are nolonger with your G/F. She sounds callous and toxic. Wait for love, and it will come together.

 

Yeah looking back objectivley, she wasn't a happy person. I tried to change her outlook on a lot. Like life in general, staying positive, ambition, drive, but alas no comprende.

 

We will see what the future holds.

[agent1607307371]

but it's just this part that makes me feel cold twoards having kids, or getting married.

 

Am I loosing it?

 

No. You wanted the kid and then lost that chance in a very sad way. You're in mourning. Tbh, I think it would help for you to talk with someone about it.

 

 

Ultimately though, next time you have to have the "what if you get pregnant" talk early on and very seriously. At the end point, if the woman wants to have an abortion then that's what's going to happen so you need to make sure you're both on the same page.

[Sunny1607307996]

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. As hard as it is to hear, do count yourself lucky that you are no longer with this girl: she is callous, cold, immature, easily influenced, has no backbone, and does not share your morals.

 

You may benefit from counseling. Because 2 and 1/2 of your life with someone is a lot to lose, and break ups are always hard, but now you are grieving over your unborn child I would venture to say you are grieving over your idea of having a family at all. You obviously love children and have a lot of experience with them, and to suddenly do a 180 and decide against children at all indicates to me that you really need to sort this out with someone.

 

You sound like a wonderful person who will make an awesome husband and an even better father.

[HPZOOM]

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. As hard as it is to hear, do count yourself lucky that you are no longer with this girl: she is callous, cold, immature, easily influenced, has no backbone, and does not share your morals.

 

You may benefit from counseling. Because 2 and 1/2 of your life with someone is a lot to lose, and break ups are always hard, but now you are grieving over your unborn child I would venture to say you are grieving over your idea of having a family at all. You obviously love children and have a lot of experience with them, and to suddenly do a 180 and decide against children at all indicates to me that you really need to sort this out with someone.

 

You sound like a wonderful person who will make an awesome husband and an even better father.

 

Well the situation happened 2 1/2 years ago. We were together for 4 years, recentley split in June of this year.

 

I can honestly say, I never really dealt with the whole situation. I didn't really understand the gravity of her actions and words, till we split and I was able to look at things objectivley. While I was in the relationship all I could think was "ok this person is losing it. Let me put aside my feelings or emotions, and help her out because obviously she needs it more than me"

 

Then as time passed I just supressed it. And now loking back on things, it is at this time when I feel that switch turn off, of having children. It's like that joy or the unknown of having a child is gone from me.

 

But hey, we will see what happens in the future. Hopefuly the next one won't be that souless.

[Miss Firecracker]

I hope this thread won't make some people upset. There are some women who have chosen abortion that are not soulless. I have a cousin that made that tough decision when she was very young. She suffers to this day, and only told me about it recently. She's a very sweet lady.

[HPZOOM]

I hope this thread won't make some people upset. There are some women who have chosen abortion that are not soulless. I have a cousin that made that tough decision when she was very young. She suffers to this day, and only told me about it recently. She's a very sweet lady.

 

 

No not because of that. Just because of not involving me, or saying the things she said, and doing some outrageous things while pregnant.

[Cheetarah]

I'm upset half the time I peruse this forum, especially when it comes to mental health/personality disorder issues. Something is always bound to upset someone. The key is not taking it personally, because hey...It's not about you specifically.

 

OP, I can see why it would turn you off to the idea of children. Maybe it more of a traumatic experience for you than your rational mind comprehended at the time. I think it'd be excellent if you spoke with someone. You said you haven't dealt; loss in whatever form it takes is very difficult and sometimes very strange to deal with. It can hit you out of seemingly nowhere and the feelings manifest themselves in different ways. I don't think you're losing it at all; but I think you'd benefit greatly from sorting out this issue with a professional.

[Unknown1607307972]

Now I understand that this hurt you, I understand that it must be horrible to feel powerless over that decision. It's one of the unfortunate things that guys can face in life.

 

However I think it's wrong to say that just because her sister feels she could handle a baby in that situation then it means she could have as well. I personally don't want kids myself, so to me pregnancy *would* feel like a curse. It's not ridiculous or evil, it's just opinion. I find it a little offensive to hear that someone who doesn't see pregnancy as a positive thing be called evil. Pregnancy is only a happy thing for a woman if she wants to be/remain pregnant. "God doesn't give you what you can't handle" isn't true (I'm not attacking religion, just saying that statement isn't always correct), I've seen and heard of that being proved wrong many times.

 

Someone could be poor and want to keep the baby, another could be rich and feel they couldn't cope with it. Situation is a factor, but in the end it's what you truly want that matters and it seems from what you've said that she didn't really want to keep it no matter what.

 

Now I am not saying she did nothing wrong at all, I don't think she handled it the best way at all. Of course she should have discussed it with you more so than her family because that is the fair thing to do. I think talking to you should matter more than talking to her mum and sister. The woman has the final say when it comes to abortion as it's her body but if the man is in the picture she should at least talk with him about it.

 

I hope you heal from this in time because in a stable relationship/marriage where you both reach a time where you want to have children is entirely different. You do need to discuss such issues before being in a serious relationship with someone though, I won't be with a man who is pro-life and you shouldn't be with a woman who would consider abortion if it's against your beliefs. I can't really say anything to help your problem with marriage and kids, all I can say is I wish you the best with coming to terms with things and I hope you can move on and have the future you used to wish for.

[HPZOOM]

NO that's the thing. She has always wanted kids. Or too be married with kids. I may use evil loosely, but it was like shocking from one view of the spectrum, then when it happens to the other side. And we both know that it wasn't a planned pregnancy. But at the same time, we both had the same views on having children. It wasn't different at all.

 

So in a way, I already know her views on it, and it is parallel with mine. But when it presents itself, it switches. I don't know why. Could be her? Her sisters? She never told her mom, or father she was ever pregnant.

 

All I know is after she had the discussion with her sisters, that's when all the things started to manifest. In a way I think she believed she could never get pregnant, which is silly but if you met her you would understand.

 

Anyway, that happened 2 1/2 years ago, and just recently I had these views or feelings on having kids. It started when a friend of mine told me she was pregnant. I was like eh. Then I just had no emotion to the thought of having kids.

 

The decision to have a abortion or not, is not the reason, I guess you can say I am feeling this way.

[Miss Firecracker]

I would imagine she had to harden herself to get through it.

 

There is no reason you should feel differently about babies because of her decision. Just be glad it wasn't yours to make.