HPZOOM

Haven't had any contact since, well July something. I deserve it, matter of fact I am owed it, after putting up with that B.S. for 4 years. lol. It's been since August since I posted here, and I feel like I am a new person, feels pretty damn good. Heard from some mutual friends, that you still can't hold on to money. Jeezus, when will you learn to get a job. Nobody is going to say "Here is 100k CAREER, with no experience, and perks, just because it's you." Yeah the real world is hard princess, people bust their ass for scraps but we don't stop, we just keep rolling along. What's wrong with you? Last I knew your brain, hands, arms, legs and feet work fine. So what's stopping you? You can't be that lazy? Are you? Yeah you go to school, so what. So do I and millions of others, in fact some have 2 jobs plus full time school. It wouldn't be a problem if you understand that this is the negative side of not having a job, but your complaining that you have no money!! That's on you, you like to live a champagne life on Kool-Aid money, your gonna be in for a very very very hard life lesson. Me. I swear I am the guy I was before I met you. But better. I don't know how, but I landed a full-time job, 8 more classes till I graduate, changed my whole wardrobe to style and class(think Oceans 13), slimmer and more handsome than ever. Heard your sister, was running in guys houses high and drunk, and having random sex with guys. And this is the sister you listened to for relationship advice? Maybe single life, but commited relationship advice????? Uhhh I think not. Well I guess that is what happens when you don't want to make friends, and only want to be with your sisters and not anyone else. It doesn't matter I am rich, and not in money terms and people that understand that, then they can nod their head when they read that. lol Life is good. No it's not. It's GREAT!!!

You should watch what you say. You thought you were on top of the world, with those comments you made. Look now, nobody is around you. Everybody who was egging you on went off to live their own lives and didn't take you with them. What are you gonna say "I did this for you guys, and now you guys left me hanging." It's cold world sweetie, and you just learned the hard way, that some people LOVE drama. And now you want to ask me for what I owe you, AFTER you told me I could keep it. What, so your siblings saw me at the club partying it up with girls, buying drinks and having a blast, and then the next day you call me and e-mail me, asking for it, after 2 weeks went by since you told me I could have it!!? I know they told you I lost weight, I look like I won the lotto etc etc. And what, you can't believe that I am living life so happy without you? Believe it. It gets better everyday. How sweet it is.

Came accross a CD that we made. I hate you. #3 Coldplay-Speed of Sound, #2 Fabulous and Tamia- So into you, #7 Pharell-That Girl. Flashback to just driving in my Trans Am, listening to the CD. Driving wherever. Just you in my passenger seat. You have no idea how much I hate you. I never hated anybody in my life, not even my father. But you I hate. I don't miss you, but I did have a flashback of us. I guess certain things, might do that to me. I was hoping that would not happen. I can't even hear a piano without thinking of you, because I know you love piano's. I'm not emotional about it, I just don't want to have these flashbacks. The good thing is I don't want you back, but these freakin flashbacks are killing me. I will not leave myself open to another woman. You took that innocence away from me. If we were gonna split, at least let it be civil and mutual, not you treating me the way you did, that way I could at least give it a shot with someone else. But no, I gave myself up for you, I was willing to give up school, just so I could work and we would not have to worry about bills. You gave up nothing, and I couldn't see it. But now, I can see it objectively and say you gave up nothing. I can honestly say, there is no part of me that loves you. And that's saying a lot for 4 years, and you were my first love. It's funny, I am sitting here listing to Speed of Sound, your favorite song. And all I can see is us driving on the freeway together in my car. But I have no emotion. No regret, no pinning, no wishing, no nothing. Just that image. Hey, don't blame me. You put the gas in the car and told me to go. I just happen to be behind the wheel. So I did, and no apology will bring me back. It's too late. I already exited.

That's a big NO NO. I did that and saw the new pics with her new BF. Not fun. I know you might be curious, but don't do it.

I am starting to loose feeling for you,and it is scary. 4 years and I felt the same from our first date, till I left out the door after everything you said to me and how you treated me. 4 YEARS!!!!! I never lost any love for you during that time. But now, as of today, I just don't care. And that scares me more than anything. I don't wish you harm, or bad luck, nor do I wish you good things. I just don't care If I see you again, or not. I don't care You just became another girl to me. I used to think about you, and what you are up to. But now, I DON'T CARE. I can honestly say, I just don't care about you anymore. It's gone. Your face in my head, has no emotion to it at all. Not even anger. It's a release of frustration, anger, sadness. Also, it does put me on edge on how passionate I was with my love for you. And now I just don't care. 4 years is no small relationship. And I don't care. What you said to me, when we last talked 2 weeks ago, is/was all the motivation I needed, to be extremely focused on myself. I thank you for that. It is your loss sweetheart.

You have the ability, to walk into Victoria Secret Headquarters, and get a contract for modeling with the drop of a pen. No lie. But your attitude is stinky. Not in a narcissistic way. That I can tolerate, that would amount to some confidence level. But in a way that devalues you and your beauty. The vindictivnes, spiteful, always negative, refuse to try. Like a leaf in the wind, which ever way the wind blows, the leaf will follow. THAT'S YOU. 1000000000% You can't stay grounded, or make your own decisions, you need affirmation from your sisters to make sure what you do/say is right or wrong. It's sad. You should cut the cord. Your not a newborn. But you will see, misery loves company. Even the people you think could never do it. They will turn out to be the first ones in line. You just don't have life experience yet. You always have a safety net, either sisters, friends, parents will give/loan you money whenever you need it. You haven't worked in 2 freaking years, because of it. See how lazy you become just waiting for financial aid? I look back on the last 4 years, and say "what in god's green earth made me stay"? The sex. No not really. I really did love you, more than myself. I shared EVERYTHING with you. Sorry to sound like a broken record, but YOU WILL LEARN THE HARD WAY. You really don't know how much you hurt YOURSELF, than me. The front you are showing off for your sisters and friends, will come back to haunt you when you return to school. And that alone city I MOVED to just to be with you becomes more evident, that I am not there or coming back will play tricks on you. Your mind will start to wander. And think, and dissect things, over analyze, assume things, and come to unfounded conclusions. And then you will learn, that the best thing to happen in your life, is gone never to return. Then and only then will you cry. And I hope your tears leave scars, because that's what you put me through. I will have a hard time to trust the next woman that shares my life. You didn't cheat on me, so don't go saying I don't trust you. But you LIED. You let EVERYONE into our relationship. Nothing was just for US.

If that's the case, then probably, there might be some inner oscar the grouch ready to come out of him in time. One thing, that I have seen, for females especially, (not generalizing) the prettier they are, the more messed up in the head they are. Not all, just the ones I happen to be around. Don't worry, just do you. I bet she comes back, but just don't wait for her.

I did the same thing. We all had a good laugh, at the office. As one girl put it "She clearly isn't over you, because any female in their right mind would walk right past him". Made ME feel good.

I got over missing you now. After seeing you post the pics on FB. And you and him striking a pose. 4 years and you never posted anything. It made me angry, how someone you are dating for 3 weeks, you post pics as if you are engaged. But the man, that wanted to marry you, was with you for 4 years. It's strange. I can't help but imagine you 2 dancing in the club, and it pisses me off to the last degree. What happened "you are my first, only and last love". Can't believe I bought that crap you were selling. YES I left. But you lit the fuse to send me away don't you realize that by now. You refuse to admit you did anything wrong. That's fine. But I feel like I got dumped. Maybe because your new 3-4 week boyfriend, is a "long term relationship". You found that out after 3 weeks, but it took me 5-6 months to sleep with you, because you were a virgin and you didn't want to rush things. Amazing. What goes around comes around. ALWAYS. You should know that by now, after everything you have seen in the last 4 years. And when it does, it comes waaayyyyyy worst, than the original send off. What happenes, when you go back to school and he goes back to his country for school? Is he going to be home for you? Is he going to be at the movies with you? When lighting strikes will he call to see if you are ok, because you are scared of lightning? Or will he fix your car like I did, when something goes wrong? Will he kiss you goodnight on your forehead in the bed with you? Will he just drive with you for hours and talk with you? Will he get off work early to get you food when you are sick, because your temprature goes up to 101? Or will he drive 1 hour to see you at 10pm just because you miss him, and wake up at 4am, to go back to work? Will he miss work, just because you are lonley? Thank you for taking advantage of me. It was my fault. I should not have done those things for, you out of love. You should have earned it. There is so much more, but my mind races right now. I would be lying if I said I can do all these things for the next girl in my life, because I got so burned by you and it sucks, because the next girl just might appreciate it, but I don't think she will ever find that out, because I don't think I can do this again. But hey, you and your sisters complain there are no good men in the world. You had one in the palm of your hand, all you had to do was close the hand to lock it. But you didn't. Girls outnumber guys 3:1 or 4:1, so at least the odds are in my favor.

Heard "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day. Didn't feel anything. But the words seem so true now, I guess I do walk alone. So be it. We should have heard "21 guns" when we were still together. Maybe some common sense might have kicked in, for the both of us.

I heard the song by Donna Lewis "Always forever" on a tv show. Remember at Albertson's, we just started dancing together in the aisle. Good memories. It makes me smile. It's like time stood still, and we were just happy that moment. We never heard it before, but when we did. We both just knew. And later that night we stayed up till 2am, looking for the singer, because we had no idea who it was!!!!! It brought tears to my eyes, but happy ones. That is the first happy tears, since we split. I hope more are to come. It's just unexplainable, how I am smiling as I type this, and remembering how much fun that 3 minutes were.

It's too major, don't see you in my pager, no "What you doing?, Where you at?, Can I see you later?" The fellas telling me, just let her go now, believe me I'm TRYING man I just don't know how.

Is it wrong for me to feel this way, you been running though my mind all day. I've been trying to get you off my mind, but I can't after all this time And that's what kills me.

Wow. You posted pics of the tournament on Facebook. And you have pics, with your new man. You never did that with me. 4 years. Not a single pic together you posted. I don't know if you did this intentionally, or you just don't care to hurt me. But it's working. It hurts. You still look beautiful. What am I gonna do.

Just let her go now, believe me I'm trying man I just don't know how.

I think I am going crazy. One part of me hates you. The selfishness and your attitude of whatever. The days where you don't even try. The other part, misses you. Kissing your forehead, and talking in bed together. Your touch on the back of my head when I am driving. 3 kisses every time we see each other. I just want 1 wish. I wish you were still here. The past 2 days, I relapsed into your heart, and mind. And I work, with a sad spirit. It's tough. And it hurts, in ways that I could never thought I would feel. I wish you could hear me call your name in my heart. But there is no answer. And it hurts more.

Yeah I am buzzed so what. Find a guy who will, leave work early, and risk loosing his job, to drive 1 hour to see you when your sick, and get you your food, and medicine. Name somebody who will go to a New years eve party and have people step all over his fractured ankle, just to make you happy. And have it linger for a extra 2 months of PAIN!!! You said I was nothing, you can find better. I put my car on it you won't especially in our community. You need to see what it's like to get cheated on, have your man come home at 4 in the morning, wondering who he is with. You need to experience that, to see the appreciation in me. You can't learn from other people mistakes, so you have to make your own. Good luck. I hope he cheates on you, and you feel it. Feel the pain of betrayel, because you didn't feel that with me, because I never did. I am nothing, you can find better than me?? Prove it. You won't. Especially the type of person you are looking for. All you see was the negative, you coould not focus on the positive and build on that. Our mutual friends look at me like I am the villian. They have no idea, what you put me through. That image of you that they see is a sham.

I completely forgot about you today!!!! I am so happy, first day at a new job. Already flirting with the ladies that work next door. I had fun. Took me back to when I didn't know you existed. Then I saw a couple dancing in the parking lot. And I stared at them. And I could not, help but think that's what we used to do. Just for fun. And they looked so happy. I couldn't turn away. I thought maybe that's what people say when they saw us doing stuff like that. And it made me sad, not in a depressed way. But just sad. I didn't know I could still flirt like that. And make girls smile, by just talking. I should change my name to Thomas Crown. You know me. I have the most confidence in myself. I know most of your friends/family hate that about me, because people with no confidence feel insecure around confident people. Hey, sorry it's just who I am. Tell me to do 20 push-ups, I'll do 22. One to beat you, and a second for good measure.

AND!!! Why the heck, are you a agent for chaos??? I told you I HATE HATE HATE, Drama. It serves no purpose. I know you are a attention seeker. But you do it in such wrong fashion. I'm not perfect nobody, walking God's green earth is. If I get attention, it's about how good I treat you, look how much he loves her, he is always there. You on the other hand, "He didn't do this, he didn't do that, he said this, and that" Stop the woe is me routine. And stop being the VICTIM, when you are the start of the problem! You could shoot me, and say to people "he shot me" ACCOUNTABILITY, INTEGRITY. These are things I told you I value, 4 years ago, walking by the beach getting to know one another. But your selfishness, and your ability to act like a whooped child, whenever you are in the wrong is amazing. If you are accountable for yourself, and have integrity, automatically you become HONEST. And branch that off into RESPECT. Why is it so hard to realize that?? But you make it so freaking difficult with you being so stubborn. Your sisters told me you were. I didn't think it was this bad. And your vindictive, and spiteful ways, are bringing you down. It made me leave, when I had FINALS!! I had to drop my classes, rather than get a F. Because "Oil went on the teapot". Get outta here. Hey, I didn't leave by my own choice. You helped me make that decision, by telling me time and time again to leave. So I left. I don't care if you held on to what happened in JAN, SAY SOMETHING!! That's why god gave us mouths!!!! And then you cry. You are one tortured person inside. PRINCESS!!

Word for word, that is how it went down with me... Unbelievable. Someone understands!!!

I just Remembered. It's not my fault.!!!!! YOU choose not tell me what you were thinking. YOU choose not to tell me how you felt. YOU kept all the anger inside, and let it boil over, not me. No way. I have no trouble expressing myself, but you do. Thinking it will make you weak to reveal how you feel. So High Schoolish. YOU ARE 25 YEARS OLD!! Stop playing tricks on your self, you know the song "Don't let me get me" .. You did. Because you have nothing to do besides school, you refuse to go and look for a job, and expecting it to just drop in your lap. And you see me depressed, because EVERY DAY, i am sending out apps, within 80 square miles of where we lived. WHY???? because I want you to have the best of everything, I hate hearing other people saying they took their GF here and there, and I can't. That drives me to become a better BF. I would have given up school, just to work and make our life much better. BUT NOO!!! You can't see it. All you see, is ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!! What (name) wants, why can't he do this for me, or this for me or that or me. Never will that attitude bring you a decent man. Your own father said it, you were there."HPZOOM, you are the only respectable man, any of my daughters have ever brought home!!" one is 34, one is 30 the other 27 and you are 25. You had it all. But you let a few bumps, turn into craters. Remember New Years. I was praying for a job before so we can celebrate with a little amount of money. I refuse to go up north with your family, with sisters that disrespect me, and you do nothing about it. We made plans to stay home, if no money was there. That's the only holiday we have together. A week Later "I am going up borth to celebrate with my sisters" The nerve of you. You see me here struggling, trying to put US on the map, and you pull this punch. "so we are just gonna stay home, and celebrate here in the living room" YES YOU SNAKE. That's what you do, when you have plans with someone. That's what you do when you say I want to marry you. Think and Thin, the only thing thick is your Head!!! Did your sisters volunteer to come here? Hell no. THEY MADE THEIR PLANS ALREADY WITH THEIR BF!! But they couldn't respect our relationship, and told you god knows what about me, to create this fight. Yeah I may not have money Now, but I am not a ex drug dealer, like one of your sis BF. I never cheated on you like the other sis BF. And I don't do drugs, liquor, gamble or stay out late like all the rest of them. It's not enough or you. What was left was for me to cut off my arms, and give it too you, and slap me around with it!! Thank god, i found this site. This is really helping!!!!

How could you leave me, and go back home when home is a hour away. Why do I feel like I did something wrong? You were outside, and you started to yell I hanged up the phone, and you took off, in front of my own mother and little brother you left me in LA, with no car to get back home. The whole month you treated me like a slave. What did you expect me to do. Stay?? And then you tell me, you never got over me cussing at you 6 months back. Well if you hadn't disrespected me in front of our friends, guess what NO CUSSING!!! And you held it in, and you let it fester, and boil, and consume your happiness. You could have said that was still bothering you. But no. Hiding how you feel does not make you stronger idiot. 4 years together.............. then 3 weeks after we break up. U have a new man. And it's long term, really??? You figured that out after 1 week of dating him. Your hiding.So what if you guys grew up together in kindergarden. Who gives a F.. He is just like a lot of guys out there that you said YOU were thankful you didn't fall in love with. You always let your rage blind you. I would take you back in a snap, as long as you didn't sleep with him. And time can forgive things. But without the ability to apologize for what you did, even after 1 and a half months of NC., just bewilders me. I apologized within a minute of realizing what I SAID. For you it's as if, apologize are below you.

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH ME. 100000000000000000000% spot on!!!!!!!

I can't believe it took me 6 months, to sleep with you because you were a virgin. I didn't sleep with any other girl. Then, after we break off a 4 year relationship, it takes you 3 weeks to find another man. Don't know if you slept with him or not. If you did, then you are sham. We could have had a beautiful life. I made mistakes, everyone does. But nothing major, and nothing that time won't heal. But NOOOOOOO. You can't let go of things. You can't move forward, because you always hold on to the past. Then you say you wish you can take all the guys and burn them in one room. You got some issues. But if you just communicated with me, instead of shutting up, we would still be together enjoying our summer. But no. You witch. I could write for months.

I hate you, but I love you. How can you just, treat me that way, after everything we have been through. If you had just told me what you were feeling, I would have stayed and we would be together working on it. But you didn't. You are a selfish person, who is STILL scared to talk about your feelings as if you are weak. I told you I would be the one who will marry you. This love was very special, both our first loves, I am your first man, sex partner, love, you name it I was the first or you. You could have had a fairy tale life. But you choose to remain silent, instead of talking. So I left, then you cried. Why? You treated me bad. Then you say you didn't get over the fight in JAN. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING!!! So that's why you treated me like dirt. Then 3 weeks after you go and get in another relationship, and say it's long term. I hope he cheats on you, I never did. Maybe you need to see what it is like to appreciate what you had with me, and maybe he will maybe he won't but I don't wish you guys well. It took 4 years to build it. And in 3 weeks you already moved on???? How? I don't understand what you want from me. I have always been there for you, but it seems I always have to 1 up the results every time, I can't when you get laid off. YES I WAS DEPRESSED, seeing you everyday from school, knowing you deserve better, and pushing myself everyday to find a job, and make some of the stress and worries go away. You know I have a never give up attitude, but you were so selfish, because I did not go to starbucks with you to give you support in studying?? I AM LOOKING OR A JOB!!! I hate you that you put me through this. But I would give us a second chance in a heartbeat. I still want to marry you. And it hurts, that your feelings are gone from me. Don't know if you are covering it up as usual, or you are being honest.