First date

[MalibuOne]

I think he just needed a bit of a nudge really, when I told him that was the end of it a few days ago think he realised that it was either meet up or forget about it. Also we are both quite new to the online dating thing and he hasn't met anyone off there before so it is a bit of a nerve wracking experience. All good so far though

 

I think we learn something from every relationship and this is one thing I learned from mine: it is very much OKAY to tell a man that something he's doing or not doing is not working for you. You don't have to be mean about it, but you've got to communicate it. Just like you did. You told him, "Sorry, but a text relationship doesn't work for me. Sorry, but you canceling right and left doesn't work for me." You made yourself clear in a polite way and that left him the option of stepping up to the plate or not. Good for you.

[MalibuOne]

P.S. The fact that he asked you out again so quickly is a definite sign that he's interested. In the early stages, I've always found that men who are interested will make sure they are totally in the woman's radar - through e-mail, text, phone calls, etc. AND, and this is a biggee, they make plans to see you again soon. Hope you have fun!

[Betty79]

Oh thanks guys I had so much fun today, we went for a long walk down by the beach and then stopped for a drink and some food on the way home. He is lovely!! I'm just worried about rushing in and getting too hung up on him. I mean how often should I be seeing him in the beginning? I could spend lots of time with him but I want to take things slowly.

[MalibuOne]

OK, now THIS is where it gets tricky! I'm glad you had a blast and all, but keep a grip on your emotions. You seem to realize this is important or you wouldn't have said you were worried about rushing in. Remember, right now you are just DATING - not in a relationship. A relationship may or may not happen and you have to be open to the idea that it might not. Just take each date as it comes for now and see where it goes.

 

That said, enjoy yourself! Just make sure you don't give up all the things that you did before you started dating him or spend every waking moment either with him or thinking about him. Even consider dating another guy if you're so inclined. I think sometimes we women want the guy they're seeing at the time to be "the one" so badly that they dive headfirst into it and end up heartbroken later. Those relationships that start out fast and furious sometimes flame out just as fast, if you know what I mean.

[BriarRose]

I think when it's right, neither of you will want to date others. Just do what feels right for now.

[KH26]

I think MalibuOne is right.

 

I'm glad you had a good time yesterday!

[BriarRose]

Keep in mind that if you feel compelled to be dating more than one man, he may wish to do the same.

 

I have never liked serial dating. If it doesn't work out with one guy, move on to the next. I don't think you have to keep "spares" around. Unless you want to date others, that's perfectly fine. But don't feel you have to.

[Batya33]

Keep in mind that if you feel compelled to be dating more than one man, he may wish to do the same.

 

I have never liked serial dating. If it doesn't work out with one guy, move on to the next. I don't think you have to keep "spares" around. Unless you want to date others, that's perfectly fine. But don't feel you have to.

 

No, she doesn't have to but it's wise if marriage is your goal - that way, you don't put all your eggs in one basket prematurely and forego opportunities to meet other people who might be better matches for you. Being smitten with someone is a great feeling on an early date but it doesn't insure long term compatibility, so I wouldn't focus on those types of feelings to justify shutting off other options. If the person is not looking for an LTR then, sure, date one person at a time who seems interesting/fun, and hope that if it doesn't work out, the other people who are interested are still available. I also don't think it's "wrong" to date one person at a time, it's just riskier especially after you're out of college/grad school where there's less of a pool of available single men.

[Ms Darcy]

No, she doesn't have to but it's wise if marriage is your goal - that way, you don't put all your eggs in one basket prematurely and forego opportunities to meet other people who might be better matches for you. Being smitten with someone is a great feeling on an early date but it doesn't insure long term compatibility, so I wouldn't focus on those types of feelings to justify shutting off other options. If the person is not looking for an LTR then, sure, date one person at a time who seems interesting/fun, and hope that if it doesn't work out, the other people who are interested are still available. I also don't think it's "wrong" to date one person at a time, it's just riskier especially after you're out of college/grad school where there's less of a pool of available single men.

 

If there is any advice I could give women, other than don't spend too much time with a guy who's obviously not interested in what you want, it would be this. So many people waste years dating one at a time ... especially since there are 'dry spells' we all go through where another guy isn't just going to appear after one leaves the picture.

 

Once you are ready to be exclusive, only date one. But my advice is not be exclusive before you have that agreement.

[Batya33]

If there is any advice I could give women, other than don't spend too much time with a guy who's obviously not interested in what you want, it would be this. So many people waste years dating one at a time ... especially since there are 'dry spells' we all go through where another guy isn't just going to appear after one leaves the picture.

 

Once you are ready to be exclusive, only date one. But my advice is not be exclusive before you have that agreement.

 

I think the problem is that too many people equate dating with having sex and to me it's apples and oranges really - dating to me is going out with someone to a public place to do an activity, hang out, eat a meal, take a walk, whatever, where both people see some sort of romantic potential and want to get to know each other to explore that potential - whether the goal is simply to see if they should continue to go on dates and enjoy each other's company or for more serious reasons such as a life partner/future marriage/family. Sometimes sex is involved but it doesn't need to be.

[MalibuOne]

Batya and Ms. Darcy,

Thank you for articulating what I've been trying to say with much greater eloquence than I used. Serial dating, which I define as dating one man at a time and then moving on to the next (seems to be different viewpoints on what serial dating is), is not an efficient way to date if one is seeking a long term relationship. Dating is just that. It's not an exclusive arrangement, especially during the first few dates. Heck, dating isn't even a relationship. To me, a relationship is where the parties have a common understanding as to how they will conduct themselves as a couple and it may, or may not involve exclusivity. Once a person has agreed to be exclusive, I agree that one should end any other dating activities.

[Betty79]

So everything is still going well, we are meeting up for our 4th date this weekend, he seems really nice and I like him. The thing is I keep thinking back to the last guy I had a relationship with (if you can call it that). At this stage I would have said the same about him but after a couple of months I found out he wasn't looking for a relationship!

 

I dont want to let this one get that far if thats the case but I dont want to come on all heavy after all we have only just met. Is there any cute, jokey, easy going way to ask this question?

[Batya33]

Usually by the fourth date we would have talked generally about our goals, including marriage, family, career, etc. Almost every guy I dated more than a handful of times initiated conversations about marriage and family (generally, not specifically to me) in the first few dates. Just get on the topics of goals and the future and see where it leads!

[Betty79]

Ok well he hasn't brought anything like that up yet...im not much good at this, how do I initiate a conversation about that sort of stuff?

[Batya33]

Ok well he hasn't brought anything like that up yet...im not much good at this, how do I initiate a conversation about that sort of stuff?

 

As I wrote in my last post, you initiate a conversation about general goals - his career, job, where he wants to travel (if he does), where he'd like to be living in 5, 10 years, whether he wants to go to school or back to school, etc. When someone has a general goal of marriage and family, that type of discussion typically leads to marriage and family at some point. You'll also learn if he has no particular goals and just takes life one day at a time - or if you sense that he does have goals but doesn't want to discuss them with you.

[KH26]

I agree with Batya. I didn't realise at the start of my relationship that it was important to ask these kinds of questions (even though I wasn't looking for something casual, I wanted something long term so of course it was important to know we were looking for the same thing). Thankfully on like our fifth date while going for a walk my boyfriend just came out with it and asked if I want to get married and have children (obviously not to him then, we'd only been on about 5 dates, just in general). And then I realised that it was important and was glad he'd asked because then I realised we were looking for the same thing.

 

If he doesn't ask I think you should. It's definitely important to know that you're looking for the same thing, even early on in my opinion.

[BriarRose]

i would never initiate that kind of talk with someone. if he feels it's going in that direction (or he wants it to), trust me, he'll bring it up (as was the case with the other posters).

[Batya33]

i would never initiate that kind of talk with someone. if he feels it's going in that direction (or he wants it to), trust me, he'll bring it up (as was the case with the other posters).

 

Yes, that works well for people who don't care if they spend lots of time with someone with incompatible goals - especially if the woman doesn't want children and so does not have the issue of the biological clock if she is at a certain age. In my experiences the man always brought up the general topic early on but if he hadn't I would have brought it up generally because I wouldn't want to waste my time dating someone who wasn't marriage minded.

[Betty79]

Thanks for all the replies, I was thinking more about in the short term though. I mean whats an appropriate way to ask whether he is interested in giving a relationship a go or whether he is just looking for casual fun? And how long do you wait to ask this?

[BriarRose]

Yes, that works well for people who don't care if they spend lots of time with someone with incompatible goals - especially if the woman doesn't want children and so does not have the issue of the biological clock if she is at a certain age. In my experiences the man always brought up the general topic early on but if he hadn't I would have brought it up generally because I wouldn't want to waste my time dating someone who wasn't marriage minded.

 

If you would have had to bring it up it would have meant he wasn't that into you and you would probably not be together right now.

[Ms Darcy]

If you would have had to bring it up it would have meant he wasn't that into you and you would probably not be together right now.

 

I don't agree with that. It's always awesome when the guy brings it up, but it's not always necessary for him to do so.

[Batya33]

I don't agree with that. It's always awesome when the guy brings it up, but it's not always necessary for him to do so.

 

Yes I agree. The one time I wasn't sure what the guy was looking for by the third date I simply said to him "I just wanted you to know that casual hooking up is not my style and is not my style with you". He understood and agreed.

[Betty79]

Hmm so not going so great at the moment. I saw him on sat for a couple of hours and we had a really nice time. I did mention to him that I didn't really want to rush things but he seemed fine about that. He rang me and text me on sun after I said it so can't have been too much of am issue. He went out drinking sat night. We did have plans to do something on the sun but he was feeling too hungover so we didn't end up meeting. I text him later to see how he was and could just tell something was different. He didn't say that much and took ages to reply. Have not heard from him at all today, whereas normally he would have text me by about 9am and be texting throughout the day. I'm not sure what to do or think. It just seems to have changed all of a sudden and I have also noticed he is back on the dating site more than usual. I am trying not to contact him again as I don't want to a too clingy but I like him..why this sudden coldness. He seems such a sweet guy.

[Batya33]

Because many people change their minds after going out with someone new a few times - it's a very normal way to date and get to know people. Maybe he met someone he preferred when he was out drinking. Of course, don't take it personally - he probably is a sweet guy but it doesn't mean that the two of you have what it takes to continue dating. I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[Betty79]

Because many people change their minds after going out with someone new a few times - it's a very normal way to date and get to know people. Maybe he met someone he preferred when he was out drinking. Of course, don't take it personally - he probably is a sweet guy but it doesn't mean that the two of you have what it takes to continue dating. I'm sorry you're disappointed!

 

So you think this could be the case and I won't hear from him again? Should I just leave him to it..hard for me to do..or leave it another day or so and ask him whats up?