First date

[Betty79]

Well I have been thinking about what to say to this guy and I just dont know...do i say that yes i found it a little rude but dont worry? Do I ask a question and risk him not replying again? Do I say something about the friends thing? What would you guys say? I dont want to come accross as too keen now, I need to backtrack a bit but want to keep the door open.

[Circe1607308268]

Betty, just my 2 cents. I always let a man initiate and if he doesn't, I let go.

 

Perhaps this gent has been busy, but how long does it take to reply to a text? Honestly, sit down and compose one to a friend and time it. Less than 5 minutes? His excuse is that he's been so busy that he's failed to respond to TWO of your texts because he hasn't had 5 minutes or less in which to do so?

 

Has he used the bathroom in all that time, or did he get himself fitted up with a catheter because he just didn't have time to go? Please.

 

This smells like other options didn't pan out, so send a belated text to a woman you aren't all that terribly interested in, but who is OK, just in case. Tell her you would like to be "friends" so that she doesn't get any ideas, and just let her simmer on the back burner until needed. If ever.

 

In short, I wouldn't reply at all. He's been "rude" once. He will be "rude" again. Do not accept any behavior from another that you would not inflict. It's a sure sign you are not on the same level. Let him go date a woman who works on his own level. You are too kind and conscientious for him, from what I can tell.

[Betty79]

Hmmmm ok thanks Circe, I didnt see your post until after I had already replied to him. Basically I just text back a bit of chit chat, and he responded with a few things then said sorry again for not responding but he has had an intense 6 months with uni etc and so is not looking for anything serious at the moment. He said speak soon.

 

I mean if Im honest I am looking for a relationship with someone, I have got to the stage in my life where I feel I am ready to settle down. Obviously I want to have some fun as well, and I dont want to get really serious with someone straight away (that kind of goes without saying) but im not interested in a "friends with benefits" or no strings thing. I have a feeling I will probably hear from him again now but you're right maybe I shouldn't reply next time.

 

Other news the guy I have been chatting to from the dating site asked me out properly today. He has confirmed the day and place, so things maybe looking up there!

[Circe1607308268]

Betty, maybe this whole episode made you realize that you're at that particular stage you describe -- looking for the "settling down" type. At least this last guy has told you in no uncertain terms that he's not that type right now, so you can tick him off the list.

 

Congrats on the proper date! Enjoy!!!

[Puddincup]

Hi Betty,

Try to remember that you have some power in your relationships with men. You are not there to be waiting for them all the time. They are to pursue you, at least at the beginning. You seem like a very nice woman and very enthusiastic but that can come accross as too eager which can be disasterous in the dating world. Don't ask me why, it just is what it is. It is good to be interested and enthusiastic but only to a point. I don't want to change your personality but the best advice I can give you is to work on your patience. Challenge yourself after you go out on your next date (whether it's with the first guy or the second guy) to not call him or text him. Smile sweetly at the end of the date, tell him you had a good time (if you did) and then step away from the phone. I think if you practice this you will be surprised how nice it feels when a guy calls you unprompted.

[BriarRose]

You know, I thought this, too - but he did contact her within 2 days - and she prior to that she was very "enthusiastic" as you put it. I don't know, maybe for some men that's not such a bad thing. We all want to feel wanted, right?

 

I always preach the "don't chase men" mantra, but I'm single, so maybe I'm wrong...

[Puddincup]

You know, I thought this, too - but he did contact her within 2 days - and she prior to that she was very "enthusiastic" as you put it. I don't know, maybe for some men that's not such a bad thing. We all want to feel wanted, right?

 

I always preach the "don't chase men" mantra, but I'm single, so maybe I'm wrong...

 

I believe there are success stories where women pursue men. Some men are shy or nervous or suspicious of women and for those men, it is a joy for a woman to pursue them. I don't think there is anything wrong with Betty emailing or texting a guy in general but just at that very crucial point right after the first date, I think it is better if the guy contacts first. If she is happy and approachable on the date, most guys would not have a problem contacting after the date if they are interested.

 

I guess the problem is that if a woman goes after a man and he is not interested put she keeps pursuing, he might think "why not, I could get some sex here". If the woman is really interested in a serious relationship and really likes the guy, she might not see that this is what he is doing until much later and then get really hurt. I am sure it could be the same for a guy where the woman thinks "why not, I could get some free dinners here". In either case, I think there should be appropriate enthusiasm on both sides. Over-enthusiasm on either side without equal reciprocation can lead to an unbalanced and unfulfilling relationship, right? This is why at the beginning people tread lightly until they feel more secure about how the other person is feeling.

[Betty79]

Oh dear more bad news...so dating site guy and I were texting last night, he had already asked me out for a drink on thurs so in my last text to him last night I asked if he was still ok for it, because obviously I want to know what I am doing, what time I need to leave work etc (as we had not yet set a time to meet) So I dont get any further response from him. He text me late this morning and said sorry I wasn't ignoring you last night but have been up most of the night with stomach cramps.

 

I mean I dont mean to be cynical but I think this is just an excuse to not go out tonight. I text back briefly just oh dear hope you feel better soon but I mean he didnt even have the decency to say that he isnt going to be able to make it tonight, just left it to me to assume that. He has not said sorry and he has not attempted to re-schedule anything.

 

Dating sucks. Im definitely backing off from him now. He has been trying to text me as normal making chit chat about things but I cant carry on being pen pals anymore. Should I tell him this or just not reply much?

[BriarRose]

Personally, if someone bailed before even meeting me, I probably would not re-schedule. It's just not a good sign. Others may disagree. Betty, I am glad you are feeling better, though.

[Puddincup]

You do sound kind of cynical. I mean, it is possible that he had stomach cramps. Or maybe he is nervous to meet you. Maybe his nerves is what caused his stomach cramps. Because he did text you as normal after he gave you the excuse. If he really wasn't interested, wouldn't he just ignore you altogether? I think you come to conclusions very fast but I don't know your dating history so maybe it is warranted.

[Betty79]

You do sound kind of cynical. I mean, it is possible that he had stomach cramps. Or maybe he is nervous to meet you. Maybe his nerves is what caused his stomach cramps. Because he did text you as normal after he gave you the excuse. If he really wasn't interested, wouldn't he just ignore you altogether? I think you come to conclusions very fast but I don't know your dating history so maybe it is warranted.

 

I know I have maybe jumped to conclusions and perhaps he genuinely wasnt feeling very well but the point is he didnt directly say to me Im really sorry Im not feeling very well, Im not going to be able to make tonight, can we do it again on X night. No, he ignored my question about whether he was still ok to go out and just replied the next morning saying that he had been awake with stomach cramps. He didnt mention anything about our planned date at all so I assumed that obviously he didnt want to go. Again, he has not said anything about re-scheduling but has tried to continue to chat or rather text as normal!

 

I know that he is interested, well definitely in this text relationship if you can call it that but I dont know if he will ever meet up with me or whether he is looking for a text buddy. I do miss telling him things but I just dont think its healthy to carry on texting like that indefinitely. Its been apart 3 weeks of pretty intense texting now.

[BriarRose]

Betty, I don't think you are cynical at all. I think your instinct was a healthy one. Stomach cramps? Please. He met someone else on-line and decided to go out with her, most likely. But he is still interested in meeting you at some point or he wouldn't contact you at all.

 

You sound very sweet, I do not think you are cynical. You just know a BS line when you hear one.

[BriarRose]

I know that he is interested, well definitely in this text relationship if you can call it that but I dont know if he will ever meet up with me or whether he is looking for a text buddy. I do miss telling him things but I just dont think its healthy to carry on texting like that indefinitely. Its been apart 3 weeks of pretty intense texting now

 

Smart girl. I probably would have cut him loose after 2 weeks of not meeting up. No, it's not healthy. I've read about women who text or email for months without meeting the person (and they live locally). Don't fall into that.

[Betty79]

He asked me today what I was doing on the weekend and whether I was free at all. I am going away this weekend so unfortunately I am not which is what I told him. I asked him what he was doing and he responded and then said we'll have to have that drink. I just said yes, i'll leave that one up to you though. No response.

 

Tired of this..

[BriarRose]

He asked me today what I was doing on the weekend and whether I was free at all. I am going away this weekend so unfortunately I am not which is what I told him. I asked him what he was doing and he responded and then said we'll have to have that drink. I just said yes, i'll leave that one up to you though. No response.

 

Tired of this..

 

Okay, well at least he brought it up. See what happens when you get back into town.

[Betty79]

Well I text him on Friday night, just chit chat, he didnt reply all night...he would normally reply fairly quickly. The next day he text me about 1pm and said I have just looked at my phone and the message I sent you last night didnt send but stupid phone didnt tell me...said he thought i was being rude and asked what I was up to....hmmm...again this seems an unlikely story to me so replied briefly and that was it. Then 2am I get a phone call from him (first time ever) he had obviously been out drinking and thought he would give me a call. I hadnt long gone to bed myself as had been out but didnt want to answer at that time of night. I text him this moring and said hey you tried to ring me last night, take it you didnt have a quiet one in after all then. He replied and said no he ended up going out and asked how my night went. I told him, asked where he went and if he was up to anything nice today. 3 hours later and no response .

 

I have been growing tired of this now. I feel that I have given enough chances and just dont like how all this non response makes me feel so I text again and said...

 

Hey ive been having a think and decided that we should stop texting each other now. You dont seem so fussed anymore, which is fine of course but not much point texting really. If you want to meet up or do something in real life then you know where I am but otherwise you take it easy now. Ive enjoyed our little chats x

 

What do you think? I just felt I had to say something to bring it to a conclusion one way or another as its frustrating me that he will text little bits and that will be it. It doesn't appear that he has any intentions of meeting up anytime soon and unless he is ready for that then I would rather not be in contact at all.

[Betty79]

Oh god now im wondering whether it was a bit over the top?? I dont know I do feel like he's been messing me about the last week or so. Doubt I will hear from him now again. Its prob for the best though

[Ms Darcy]

Refresh my memory ... is this a new guy? Have you gone out on a date with this one?

[Betty79]

Refresh my memory ... is this a new guy? Have you gone out on a date with this one?

 

This is a different guy to the one I started the thread about. We met on a dating site and have been texting for a good few weeks. We were supposed to meet up last thurs but he said he had stomach cramps the night before so we did not end up going. He didn't try and reorganise. We have had a few texts since as described in my last post above. I just don't know whether what I said to him was ok or not? I have not heard from him since but I suppose this was to be expected. I am disappointed as I enjoyed chatting to him and was quite excited about meeting him in real life but just felt I couldn't carry on texting indefinitely especially when I felt he was getting distant and taking a long time to respond when it always used to be pretty quick before. What do you think?

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I don't think it would hurt for you to ask him to get together. If he cancels again or refuses to set a date, then just move on.

[Betty79]

Thanks ms darcy if you read my previous post though I already text him on sunday and said that I think we should stop texting now as he doesn't seem so fussed anymore, which I said was fine of course but I didn't see the point in texting now. I said if he wants to meet up or do something in real life then he knows where I am but otherwise to take care and I have enjoyed our little chats. He has not replied to this. I can't text him again after this now. I was just panicking a bit that it was too heavy handed but I have felt him growing distant and the not replying for ages and making up there excuses was beginning to annoy me. I do miss him though and would have liked to have met him?!

[MalibuOne]

Betty,

 

I've been following your thread for awhile. I'm glad you told him to either man up and follow through with a face to face meet or quit texting. After all, the point of online dating sites is to bring people together to date, not text. The fact that this guy called for the first time when he was drinking/drunk doesn't evidence much respect for you.

 

One thing I have learned (albeit late in life) is that if I want to be treated like a lady, I have to make my expectations clear. That doesn't mean you have to be b****y about it, but you do have to be clear. Allowing treatment that is less than that demonstrates to the other person that you don't value yourself enough to expect an appropriate level of conduct from those you include in your life. I think some of us have gotten lax about maintaining that kind of a standard because we're afraid that holding such a standard might "scare him off" or "push him away" so we've accepted behavior that leaves us feeling undervalued and frustrated.

 

I'm glad you've demonstrated that he's not going to treat you like that and had the fortitude to say I'd rather be alone than compromise my reasonable expectations from my partner in a relationship.

[Betty79]

Betty,

 

I'm glad you've demonstrated that he's not going to treat you like that and had the fortitude to say I'd rather be alone than compromise my reasonable expectations from my partner in a relationship.

 

Hey thank you Malibu, I was worried that I would come off as needy for texting him back again after not hearing from him for a while but my instincts were telling me that something was not right and I didnt like the way it made me feel. I also didnt like waiting around to hear from him and then these excuses he was coming up with. I get the feeling maybe he has met somebody else on the dating site and now has someone else to text so perhaps is distracted with that but who knows. Its not for me to worry about I guess! Thanks again, just wanted some reassurance that I had done the right thing and wasn't too heavy about it all. It has been weeks now though and I guess I just cracked as I was getting attached to him.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks ms darcy if you read my previous post though I already text him on sunday and said that I think we should stop texting now as he doesn't seem so fussed anymore, which I said was fine of course but I didn't see the point in texting now. I said if he wants to meet up or do something in real life then he knows where I am but otherwise to take care and I have enjoyed our little chats. He has not replied to this. I can't text him again after this now. I was just panicking a bit that it was too heavy handed but I have felt him growing distant and the not replying for ages and making up there excuses was beginning to annoy me. I do miss him though and would have liked to have met him?!

 

Ah, I missed that. I got a little lost with this thread! I think you have done the right thing for you. And now it's time to focus on making your entire life more fulfilling. Are you happy with your job, spending time with friends, volunteering?

[BriarRose]

Betty, you did the right thing. You've not only shown patience with him, you've shown initiative. He's not been responsive to meeting you through any of it. Enough is enough.