First date

[Minx2012]

The minute I read your post, I knew right away that he wasn't interested ( and I'm a woman ). Men are very simple creatures...if they had an awesome time, they will text you right away to tell you, " I had a great time too! Wanna do it again sometime when you're free again ? ". Trust me - EVERY SINGLE GUY that I have gone out on a date with, I could tell right away whether he was into me or not. The ones who were into me, were thoroughly engaged in the conversation....AND...didn't want the date to end. I usually was the one to end things a bit earlier and they would find excuses to keep on going with the date, even if it meant, sitting on the curb somewhere in the city, just talking. And guess what...sometimes, these guys didn't even get a kiss or there were no expectations of it because they just genuinely liked the company as I did theirs.

 

Guys who weren't interested at all.....usually look like this : They're smiling at you, they're saying " uh huh " to your every word, they even contribute a lot to the conversation, they laugh...BUT watch their eyes closely and you can tell that they're either distracted, not all there, or " not smiling " ( as in their mouths could be smiling but their eyes aren't ). I can also tell if they're not interested because they seem super polite at the end of the date ( as if we had just met ) and there is a barrier in the comfort level.

[KH26]

Ohh I'm sorry things changed over the weekend, Betty! Could he just be busy today? Sometimes when I'm busy I can read texts but then leave them all day just because I haven't got time to reply and I don't think about it.

 

Hmm leaving it would be hard for me to do too but I think you should probably wait it out, see if he contacts you again. If he's interested he will come to you. And I suppose if he doesn't contact you then give it a while and ask what's up, can't do any hard I suppose. I hope he is busy and just can't text right now. But I also agree with Batya, it could just be that he's changed his mind.

 

I'm sorry though, I hope it works out OK!

[Batya33]

Several men who seemed not to be into me at all asked me out again right away and several men who were planning our wedding on the first date (not exxagerating) never called again or were two-date wonders. I think it's a waste of time to look for signs - if he's interested in another date, he'll ask for another date.

 

And rather than several I should have written "many". Over a 25 year period.

[Betty79]

Ok thanks all. It is very strange as normally on the dates we have been on so far he has been very engaged and chatty, has asked me out again for other dates etc. Maybe he is just busy i'm not sure but he normally finds time to fit in a few messages anyway.

[Betty79]

I text him...I couldnt help it! I just said you're quiet today, is everything ok. He responded within 10 mins and said that he had left his phone home this morning (picked it up lunchtime) and had been really busy this afternoon. We had a few texts back and forth and I said how I had forgotten to do something last time I saw him and he said Aww dont worry you can do it next time...so I guess that is positive? Hmmm, just have to wait and see now I guess. See if I hear anymore from him when he gets home from gym tonight.

[MalibuOne]

Hi Betty. If they're into you, they are in touch with you. Period. They will make plans to see you. Call you without prompting. All those things you know in your gut that demonstrate interest.

 

Try not to look for reasons to excuse how he's acting or to keep contacting him to satisfy your curiosity/keep it alive. I can't count how many times I've gone through this - waiting for that one text/call. Especially when everything starts out great. It's such a bummer, then, if it fizzles and you're left wondering why. This is why I like dating more than one guy at a time. If one fizzles, I haven't locked myself into ONE man; I can move on to the next guy and not obsess over why the last one didn't work out. Remember, if there's one good one, there's more. Hang in there!

[Betty79]

Thanks Malibu, trying to hang in there! Definitely try not to contact him again now and see what happens

[KH26]

I'm glad he contacted you and I really hope he did just leave his phone at home and gets in touch again after the gym, you sound really into him. I hope this works out OK! But I don't think you should text again now. Wait for him to come to you next time, he definitely will if he's interested.

 

Hope you're OK! Keep us updated, I'm interested to hear how this works out.

[MalibuOne]

Thanks Malibu, trying to hang in there! Definitely try not to contact him again now and see what happens

 

You know we're all here plugging for you! You just let that guy marinate for awhile - he'll either decide "what the heck am I waiting for?" and get on the phone to you or he'll fade away. And if he pulls a fade, you didn't want him anyway!

[Betty79]

Thanks both, I do really like this guy and he seemed so into me as well, i dont really understand it. He would be home from gym by now and would normally have text but nothing. It just makes me feel so anxious, its hard. I hate the slow fade. Its good to know you're all here on my side though. Just got to be strong and keep telling myself not to contact him again!

[MalibuOne]

Slow fade sucks. Much better to just come out and say, sorry, this isn't working for me. For the life of me, I don't know why guys (and girls, I suppose) do the fade thing. Much more painful for the other person.

 

Don't contact him, keep too busy to think about him, keep your eyes open for someone else & be open to it.

[Betty79]

Ohhh girls I dont think I can do this, its so hard, I feel so horrible. I just want to know one way or another. I have always been bad at this sort of thing.

[MalibuOne]

Betty. Chin up, girl. You're a woman of the new millennium! You don't have to DO anything. Funny, isn't it, that it's harder to do nothing than something when it comes to this kind of thing? Sit tight and let nature take it's course. If you push, you'll come accross as needy and clingy.

[Betty79]

So he did text me back, we had a bit of light chat and I asked about what he was up to this week, anything exciting and he said he was pretty busy, named a couple of things he was up to tues and wedn then asked about me. I have things on thurs, fri and sat so told him about those and said looks like we wont be seeing each other for while and he said yes but it will be worth the wait. I text back and said yes i hope so, i enjoyed our little outings last week. Not sure what you think about me but I quite like you..lol

 

He hasnt said anything back to that, which says a lot!! God do I have to put my foot in it all the time!!!

 

Another issue I have is that I know we aren't exclusive but I have a hard time when we are texting each other and then he pops up on the dating site and stays on there for ages. I dont like to think we are talking about something whilst he is talking to other girls as well (i just pop on quickly now and again mainly to see if he is on there, lol)

 

Guess I just need to take a big chill pill...

[Ms Darcy]

I thought I would post some of the great advice you've gotten on this thread and I hope you can hear it from these experienced ladies. Honorable mention to the supportive Miss Kitty.

 

I'm beginning to realize myself that I need to involve myself with multiple people so that no one man has my exclusive attention and interest because you never know what they're going to do next. No use being in a game of musical chairs where you're the one without a seat every time the music stops!

 

Circe makes a great point here. In the beginning, you are dating, not in a relationship. Guys date more than one girl at a time, but for some reason, women serial date. They date one guy, invest, it doesn't work out, they move on. The one at a time approach is a big time waster, IMHO.

 

Usually, people know within just a few dates if it's going to amount to anything, so no one should have invested deep feelings into the relationship by that point.

 

it is very much OKAY to tell a man that something he's doing or not doing is not working for you. You don't have to be mean about it, but you've got to communicate it.

 

In the early stages, I've always found that men who are interested will make sure they are totally in the woman's radar - through e-mail, text, phone calls, etc. AND, and this is a biggee, they make plans to see you again soon. Hope you have fun!

 

... if marriage is your goal - that way, you don't put all your eggs in one basket prematurely and forego opportunities to meet other people who might be better matches for you. Being smitten with someone is a great feeling on an early date but it doesn't insure long term compatibility, so I wouldn't focus on those types of feelings to justify shutting off other options. If the person is not looking for an LTR then, sure, date one person at a time who seems interesting/fun, and hope that if it doesn't work out, the other people who are interested are still available. I also don't think it's "wrong" to date one person at a time, it's just riskier especially after you're out of college/grad school where there's less of a pool of available single men.

 

If there is any advice I could give women, other than don't spend too much time with a guy who's obviously not interested in what you want, it would be this. So many people waste years dating one at a time ... especially since there are 'dry spells' we all go through where another guy isn't just going to appear after one leaves the picture.

 

Once you are ready to be exclusive, only date one. But my advice is not be exclusive before you have that agreement.

 

I think the problem is that too many people equate dating with having sex and to me it's apples and oranges really - dating to me is going out with someone to a public place to do an activity, hang out, eat a meal, take a walk, whatever, where both people see some sort of romantic potential and want to get to know each other to explore that potential - whether the goal is simply to see if they should continue to go on dates and enjoy each other's company or for more serious reasons such as a life partner/future marriage/family. Sometimes sex is involved but it doesn't need to be.

 

Batya and Ms. Darcy,

Thank you for articulating what I've been trying to say with much greater eloquence than I used. Serial dating, which I define as dating one man at a time and then moving on to the next (seems to be different viewpoints on what serial dating is), is not an efficient way to date if one is seeking a long term relationship. Dating is just that. It's not an exclusive arrangement, especially during the first few dates. Heck, dating isn't even a relationship. To me, a relationship is where the parties have a common understanding as to how they will conduct themselves as a couple and it may, or may not involve exclusivity. Once a person has agreed to be exclusive, I agree that one should end any other dating activities.

 

Men are very simple creatures...if they had an awesome time, they will text you right away to tell you, "I had a great time too! Wanna do it again sometime when you're free again ? ". Trust me - EVERY SINGLE GUY that I have gone out on a date with, I could tell right away whether he was into me or not.

 

And guess what...sometimes, these guys didn't even get a kiss or there were no expectations of it because they just genuinely liked the company as I did theirs.

 

If they're into you, they are in touch with you. Period. They will make plans to see you. Call you without prompting. All those things you know in your gut that demonstrate interest.

 

Try not to look for reasons to excuse how he's acting or to keep contacting him to satisfy your curiosity/keep it alive.

 

This is why I like dating more than one guy at a time. If one fizzles, I haven't locked myself into ONE man; I can move on to the next guy and not obsess over why the last one didn't work out. Remember, if there's one good one, there's more.

 

Listen to this great advice hon! We are here for you.

[BriarRose]

He has been chatting with someone else he met on-line. Ah, the life of on-line dating. To add fire to the coals, you also gave him the "I don't want to rush things" speech. Just be patient and for God's sake, stop texting him.

[Betty79]

Thanks ms darcy that was a great post! Sometimes its easy to forget all the great advice I have already been given. Straycat..what is wrong with the I don't want to rush things speech? It was meant as in the context of sleeping together and was said in a light and easygoing way. It wasn't a full on speech just that.

[BriarRose]

Thanks ms darcy that was a great post! Sometimes its easy to forget all the great advice I have already been given. Straycat..what is wrong with the I don't want to rush things speech? It was meant as in the context of sleeping together and was said in a light and easygoing way. It wasn't a full on speech just that.

 

 

i meant that you cant tell a guy you want to slow down the pace of things and then feel rejected when he doesnt call as much. i didn't realize you had meant it only in a sexual context, though.

[BriarRose]

i see you've had 4 dates in 3 1/2 weeks, so he obviously is interested. i do think you will be hearing from him soon. Don't be down, okay? Maybe he feels he pushed you too hard and doesnt want to scare you off.

[Betty79]

i see you've had 4 dates in 3 1/2 weeks, so he obviously is interested. i do think you will be hearing from him soon. Don't be down, okay? Maybe he feels he pushed you too hard and doesnt want to scare you off.

 

Thanks StrayCat I do hope things will turn out ok. He wanted to see me quite a bit last week and then this week he is too busy. I mean perhaps he genuinely is. I do think you might be right in that he could be chatting to someone else from the dating site as well. Explains why he is on there more and contacting me less.

 

Anyway I know I am supposed to be looking for other guys to go out with but have decided to remove myself from the dating site that we are both on. Its not healthy for me at the moment to be checking up on when and how many times he is on there. It also feels odd when it shows up that we are both on there at the same time, I feel like I am doing something wrong (even though im not) especially when we could be in the middle of chatting with each other over text!

 

Thats not to say that I wont look for another dating site in a week or two I just want a little bit of a break from it all at the moment. The one or two other guys I had been speaking to on there a little bit I have given them my number in case they want to stay in touch.

 

I think I am prone to getting overly anxious about things when I really like somone. I dont want to mess this up so am just looking for ways to deecrease the anxiety. Thanks for all your help and advice. You guys on here are really great. I will keep you posted with any further developments but whatever I do I am not contacting him first tomorrow..lol...I am a great girl and he would be lucky to have me!!!

[MalibuOne]

Damn straight, Betty! I saw your comment on my other thread...as you know from reading the posts on ENA, there are LOTS of us with angst on here!!

[BriarRose]

betty, dont' feel badly at all about going on-line. if you don't want to, fine. but don't feel bad if you want to. He is! Might give him a little kick in the behind, too, so he knows you are talking to others as well.

[Ms Darcy]

I do think you might be right in that he could be chatting to someone else from the dating site as well. Explains why he is on there more and contacting me less.

 

Anyway I know I am supposed to be looking for other guys to go out with but have decided to remove myself from the dating site that we are both on. Its not healthy for me at the moment to be checking up on when and how many times he is on there. It also feels odd when it shows up that we are both on there at the same time, I feel like I am doing something wrong (even though im not) especially when we could be in the middle of chatting with each other over text!

 

I don't know why so many women do this. Guys will date up a storm while they date us and yet we can't do the same. ](*,)

 

That's why so many ladies are single. We waste the pretty.

[BriarRose]

I don't know why so many women do this. Guys will date up a storm while they date us and yet we can't do the same. ](*,)

 

That's why so many ladies are single. We waste the pretty.

 

I would have to agree. guilty of it myself. I get so wrapped up in someone and dont want to date others, only to learn they have been all over the map.

[MalibuOne]

I don't know why so many women do this. Guys will date up a storm while they date us and yet we can't do the same. ](*,)

 

That's why so many ladies are single. We waste the pretty.

 

We waste the pretty...I'm stealing that line!