First date

[BriarRose]

I didnt know what else to say? I had seen it coming a while. I am looking for a relationship. I knew he wouldnt come around today. What should I do then Miss K? Say something else or just leave it?

 

 

Seen what coming? You are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look back at the conversation. He was all set to come over. You were worried about the intimacy factor so made a half-joke. He responded that he doesn't want to lead you into anything in case it doesn't become serious (or something like that?). You wished him luck. He is now thinking you dumped him. I think you are both poor communicators in dating.

 

Just tell him you are not intimate except in an exclusive relationship. If he never wants to see you again, you have your answer. If he does, just let things flow naturally.

[Betty79]

What if I say something like this then...hey im sorry if i was a bit blunt in my last text. I dont want to stop seeing you of course but i dont really want to be messed about either..lol. I have really enjoyed chatting to you the last couple of months. I dont want anything super serious either just good times and see how things go but you must do whatever you think is best.

[BriarRose]

What if I say something like this then...hey im sorry if i was a bit blunt in my last text. I dont want to stop seeing you of course but i dont really want to be messed about either..lol. I have really enjoyed chatting to you the last couple of months. I dont want anything super serious either just good times and see how things go but you must do whatever you think is best.

 

It's dishonest. You ARE looking for something serious. And the good news is that's okay.

 

Just leave out that last part.

[Betty79]

ok going to subsitute the last part for what you said about not sleeping with guys if we are seeing others too...thanks Miss K...will let you know if he replies.

[BriarRose]

ok going to subsitute the last part for what you said about not sleeping with guys if we are seeing others too...thanks Miss K...will let you know if he replies.

 

 

I'm sure he will. Just keep things light and just enjoy each other. Don't jump to conclusions unless you stop hearing from him.

[Betty79]

He is going to think im some sort of weird stalker type girl now..lol..

[Betty79]

Ok he has responded miss K!!!

 

This is what he says....hey, thats ok, I was a little tired myself! Im not out to mess people about but then I dont think Im out for a relationship, I know things dont necessarily have to go that way but just wanted to say! On the seeing other people thing I struggle to find time to see one person never mind more lol, I tend to stick to one at a time I couldnt cope with anymore..ha ha...

 

So what now??? I mean is he saying he would never want a relationship with me?? He would be exclusive if we were sleeping together but we wouldnt be in a relationship??

[Ms Darcy]

So what now??? I mean is he saying he would never want a relationship with me?? He would be exclusive if we were sleeping together but we wouldnt be in a relationship??

 

You want a relationship. He doesn't. Move on dear.

[Betty79]

Whats the difference between being exclusive and not being in a relationship?

[Betty79]

He says he wouldnt rule out the potential for it to develop into a relationship in future but at this point in his life he just wants to take things slow, and is "not looking fora relationship" although he would be exclusive if we ended up sleeping together. I dont know really.

[Ms Darcy]

Whats the difference between being exclusive and not being in a relationship?

 

He says he wouldnt rule out the potential for it to develop into a relationship in future but at this point in his life he just wants to take things slow, and is "not looking fora relationship" although he would be exclusive if we ended up sleeping together. I dont know really.

 

BETTY!

 

If you wonder why you get hurt over and over it's because you are so hungry for a meal that you are willing to accept crumbs! I don't need to tell you the different between exclusive and relationship is emotional commitment. You know that. So, when you are having sex and you want to talk or cuddle or you want to hear from him more than a few times a week, you won't get it because that requires emotional investment.

 

You need to be very honest with yourself and say to yourself, do you want a friend with benefits or do you want an amazing relationship that is leading directly to marriage. Stop lying to yourself. Be very clear about what you want. You are 31, not 21. You need to define your goals and refused to be used for one more minute.

 

Men do not lie about this stuff. If he tells you now he doesn't want a relationship, two years from now when you are pushing for more he'll quote this conversation and say that you knew his ambivalence. You DO NOT want a man who would have sex with you but is not looking for a relationship. Then he's not in the same emotional space that you are in. And then you'll cry over the wasted time.

 

No more crumbs. You are better than that.

[BriarRose]

Hmm. I must agree with Ms. Darcy on this one. The "not looking for a relationship" speech is never a good one for those of us looking for a relationship. I think his response changes things and while I believe you will continue to hear from him, ultimately I don't think he will give you what you want.

[BriarRose]

Betty, I hope we weren't too harsh. We are just looking out for you. Maybe this guy will prove us wrong, who knows. Hope you are doing okay

[Ms Darcy]

Betty, I hope we weren't too harsh. We are just looking out for you. Maybe this guy will prove us wrong, who knows. Hope you are doing okay

 

Yes, Betty, I don't mean to be harsh at all. You sound incredibly sweet.

 

What I seem to see in my married friends is that they are kinda nice (some more so than others), but what they do have in common is that they really know how to exude confidence and friendliness. They are approachable but not pushovers by any means. I guess I'm saying, the more you know what you want and exude that with men, the more luck you will have in getting the love you want.

[Betty79]

BETTY!

 

I don't need to tell you the different between exclusive and relationship is emotional commitment. You know that. So, when you are having sex and you want to talk or cuddle or you want to hear from him more than a few times a week, you won't get it because that requires emotional investment.

 

 

Hi guys, dont worry you weren't too harsh, i know you only have my best interests at heart. Im just unsure what to do. My friend says that its the way of the world nowadays that things start out fairly casual and sometimes you got to take the risk and let things develop naturally. I dont want to settle for crumbs though but things like talking and cuddling etc we already do all that, he is really affectionate and to be fair I do hear from him pretty much everyday. I dont know, is he just scared to put a label on it at the moment, of course it is very early days to be thinking about this? He split up with his ex 5 months ago and I think he took that fairly hard. I mean Im genuinely happy not to rush into things. I think it would probably be good for me too as I always charge into these situations as you can probably see for my last posts...lol... I am happy that he said he would be exclusive but like I said to him I would want to know that it had the potential to develop into something more if things went well down the line!?

[BriarRose]

Betty, I don't know what his deal is, but he does sound interested in you. I don't know...I don't feel this is over, despite what he said.

 

For what it's worth, there was a guy interested in me awhile back, but told me he wasn't looking for anything serious (although he called me constantly and wanted to see me often). I stopped seeing him because of what he had said. I learned he had married 6 months later (and no, he was single while seeing me). So while it doesn't bode well, you just never know. Like you said, maybe he just doesn't want to label it yet.

[Circe1607308268]

Betty,

 

I just caught up with your whole story on this one and I can only say that you are wasting time on a guy who has made it clear he's not looking for a relationship. Take him at his word.

 

I'm sorry, but he's behaved badly from beginning to end, with the annoying texting, the mixed messages, the indecisiveness, etc. And calling you after midnight?! I'm sorry, but unless you are in a relationship with someone and you are both used to making contact at odd hours, there is no good reason to call anyone after midnight unless there is some kind of emergency. Especially when you are not even a couple! It's rude, it's inconsiderate and it's childish. And the very idea that you took the trouble to reassure him as to why you didn't answer the phone, in case he may have "taken it the wrong way" or thought that you were out with someone else, is nonsense! You don't owe anyone any explanation of why you didn't pick up the phone after midnight! The idea that you may be asleep should have occurred to him before he even punched in your number. And it's none of his business if you were out and about. You're not wearing his ring on your finger!

 

Please, betty. I've been through this more times than I can admit without shame! When people treat you this way, it's because they are not interested enough to treat you better. He may "like" you. So what? "Liking" is nothing without caring, respect and concern for your feelings. Cut him off. Move on. Live your life. He has warned you with his behavior and with his bald statement that he's not looking for anything serious. Don't think that hanging in there will eventually change his mind. That only happens in movies. This is real life.

[Betty79]

Thanks everyone..i know you're right really. I probably wouldn't be able to do the casual thing anyway as i'm not much good at that sort of thing. I will probably end up telling him soon enough but what I have decided to do in the meantime just for me to see is keep a record of how often he is contacting me, asking me out etc over the next week. I am not going to initiate anything just respond to him. So far today he contacted me at 10am to say he had only just got up as he is off work..we had a few texts..his last one didn't say much so I didn't respond again. He then poked me on facebook and thats been it so far. Ho hum.

[Betty79]

and now another text at 7pm asking if I had a good day..

[dani_katze]

Hi Betty,

I've been reading you and almost all replies you got.

 

I only can relate that I've been there too... I met a LOT of guys of internet and got obsessed about some of them. I couldn't control myself on the msn, on text messages, on the internet, etc.

 

I've a lot of experiences that now I remember as funny ones, especially with guys of the internet. I can say that a LOT of the guys there are just looking for a one night stand, they used to lie about what they are looking for just to have sex. And I know many of them that have obsessed personalities as well.

 

When I ended the "relationships" I had with one of them, he acted as obsessed, making a lot of hung ups. I thought that he was shy and he wanted to contact me. WRONG, he just wanted to have me back for what he wanted... nothing serious.

 

I even met a guy on a disco that was pretty alike this guy of internet. He also called me when he was drunk about 5am.

 

Someone told you before in a previous post: you have to be honest to yourself. And if you are too hungry you're going to accept anything!

 

If you really want a serious relationship give up internet, and look a hobby that you like where you can meet differnet people and also guys. Its my IMHO.

[Betty79]

Hi there Dani, thanks for replying...yes maybe I do need to give the internet a rest for a bit. It does seem as though all the guys I have met so far are just out for one thing. Problem is I dont have a whole lot of time to take up at hobby at the moment and I dont want to feel Im doing something just for the sake of trying to meet someone, which I probably would be if im honest. Maybe I just need to give up altogether..lol..

[dani_katze]

I understand that you don't have time. But think about this: you really want a stable and romantic relationship. For that you need to invest time. In fact, you're spending time on the internet. The problem is that internet is not a good option. I have read a study that was made on an online web side, which had 11.000.000 suscribers and only 1.475 got married, 0.01%! Therefore, maybe you should reorganize your life and make space for something you really like and where you can meet people but in person!

[Betty79]

I understand that you don't have time. But think about this: you really want a stable and romantic relationship. For that you need to invest time. In fact, you're spending time on the internet. The problem is that internet is not a good option. I have read a study that was made on an online web side, which had 11.000.000 suscribers and only 1.475 got married, 0.01%! Therefore, maybe you should reorganize your life and make space for something you really like and where you can meet people but in person!

 

Yes this is true perhaps I do need to look into a few new hobbies then.

 

Back to Mr Online guy, he has text and asked me to go bowling on Wednesday night. I have said yes?! I know I know...maybe we can talk better then instead of doing it all through text.

[dani_katze]

Always is better to talk in person. Does he call you by phone on normal hours? Because I think texting or email is really a small effort for a guy to approach a women he really likes...

 

Read this article, it did help me...

 

link removed

[Betty79]

Always is better to talk in person. Does he call you by phone on normal hours? Because I think texting or email is really a small effort for a guy to approach a women he really likes...

 

Read this article, it did help me...

 

link removed

 

Thanks Dani, that is a really interesting article actually, especially point number 2. No he doesnt really call me on the phone during normal hours either.

 

Right so if we meet on wednesday how can I bring something up without turning everything all heavy?