First date

[Betty79]

 

So there we go...that is enough for me at the moment. I am now going to chill out and enjoy getting to know him so long as the contact and everything stays the same as it has done. Happy days.[/QUOTE]

 

I think that is a good idea.

 

Thank you Miss K!!

[KH26]

How did last night go? It was last night you were going bowling wasn't it? Hope it was OK!

[Betty79]

How did last night go? It was last night you were going bowling wasn't it? Hope it was OK!

 

Hi KH,

 

Yes it was last night, it was fun thanks. We had a game of bowling, he won, then we played on a couple of the arcade games and had a drink then he took me back to my place and came in for a bit. He has text me this morning so that is all fine.

 

Again he has been on the dating site this morning (but obviously so have I). This does still bug me and Im wondering whether I should bring it up next time I see him. Funnily enough though since we had that chat about how I would ultimately be looking for a relationship he has changed his status on there from "dating but nothing serious" to "looking for a relationship" Im not sure why this is at all nor what to think about it?! He has also changed his headline thing from "Looking for a classy lady" to just some jokey one liner thing from a movie which does not really relate to anything..hmmm...

[KH26]

How many dates have you been on now? Sorry, I really shouldn't be lazy and should go back and look haha.

[Betty79]

How many dates have you been on now? Sorry, I really shouldn't be lazy and should go back and look haha.

 

It will have been 5 dates now...when I told him I didnt sleep with guys if we were seeing others he said that he normally sticks to one person at a time, couldnt cope with anymore. Not that we have slept together yet but I know that he wants to so if thats the case why doesnt he take it down?!

[Batya33]

It will have been 5 dates now...when I told him I didnt sleep with guys if we were seeing others he said that he normally sticks to one person at a time, couldnt cope with anymore. Not that we have slept together yet but I know that he wants to so if thats the case why doesnt he take it down?!

 

Because having intercourse with one person at a time is perfectly consistent with keeping his options open to see if he meets someone else he wants to date. Since he told you he is not looking for a relationship right now (meaning, he is not totally closed off from looking for one but it is not his focus), he probably is open to keeping his options open and if he meets someone he is interested in dating he will make sure not to sleep with more than one of you at a time or perhaps he will decide not to date more than one person at a time. This is perfectly consistent with casual dating. It's also consistent with looking for a serious relationship in the stage before you're exclusive.

[Betty79]

Because having intercourse with one person at a time is perfectly consistent with keeping his options open to see if he meets someone else he wants to date. Since he told you he is not looking for a relationship right now (meaning, he is not totally closed off from looking for one but it is not his focus), he probably is open to keeping his options open and if he meets someone he is interested in dating he will make sure not to sleep with more than one of you at a time or perhaps he will decide not to date more than one person at a time. This is perfectly consistent with casual dating. It's also consistent with looking for a serious relationship in the stage before you're exclusive.

 

Thanks Bataya, why do you think he has changed his status from "dating but nothing serious" to "looking for a relationship" now? Do you think I should ask him about the profile thing or just leave it for now? I wouldnt want to sleep with him if he still had it active so maybe discuss it if that seems a likelihood and see what he says?

[MalibuOne]

Thanks Bataya, why do you think he has changed his status from "dating but nothing serious" to "looking for a relationship" now? Do you think I should ask him about the profile thing or just leave it for now? I wouldnt want to sleep with him if he still had it active so maybe discuss it if that seems a likelihood and see what he says?

 

I am exactly at this point with the man I'm seeing. I've thought long and hard about it and have decided that if he's still online, he's keeping his options open. If he's keeping his options open, then he's not into me enough for me to sleep with him. Maybe that will come in time (we've been dating about 2x/week for a month now). I won't ask him to take down his profile or anything, it's a free country and he can do what he wants. I like him, so I'll continue to see him, but just won't sleep with him until we're exclusive.

[Betty79]

I am exactly at this point with the man I'm seeing. I've thought long and hard about it and have decided that if he's still online, he's keeping his options open. If he's keeping his options open, then he's not into me enough for me to sleep with him. Maybe that will come in time (we've been dating about 2x/week for a month now). I won't ask him to take down his profile or anything, it's a free country and he can do what he wants. I like him, so I'll continue to see him, but just won't sleep with him until we're exclusive.

 

So have you spoken with him about being exclusive Malibu? Has he brought up the sleeping together thing?

[Betty79]

So I asked him about it, we both happened to be on there at the same time again earlier so I said do you think its strange we're still on the dating site. I said he kept popping up when I logged in and are we still looking for other people to date? I said we can do if he wants to. He said he doesnt really go on there much now to be honest (i know thats not true!!) said he just goes on to read / delete things. He hasn't really thought about it. So I said so we're going to keep them up for a bit then? I said I dont mind just want to know what to do with the other dates lining up..lol...He said yeah I dont really know how to take it down so probably easier to just keep it and not go on there (I mean come on how hard can it be to delete it!!!!) He asked if I was beating the guys off with a big stick! I said haha...yeah one or two and then said ok then, i still stand by what I said about not sleeping together though if we are still seeing others so you will have to let me know. He has not responded to that one.

 

I am glad I asked though. It clarifies things a bit for me in that he definitely does NOT want to take his profile down so is not willing to focus on one at a time at the moment as he previously said. There will definitely be no sleep overs here now whilst that is still up!!

[BriarRose]

Unfortunately, nothing in what you said indicated to him that you are looking to be exclusive with him. In fact, it may have sounded to him like you are wanting to continue to date others. Actually, I am not even sure if you are wanting to be exclusive with him. Are you?

[Betty79]

Unfortunately, nothing in what you said indicated to him that you are looking to be exclusive with him. In fact, it may have sounded to him like you are wanting to continue to date others. Actually, I am not even sure if you are wanting to be exclusive with him. Are you?

 

Yes Miss K I am wanting to be exclusive with him but I didn't want to apply pressure if he did not want this. This is why I said I didn't mind I just wanted to know for future reference and whether I should be dating others. I think he could quite easily have said from that that he was not interested in dating anyone else and we could take the profiles down if we were both agreed. He knew I was chatting to others on there but this did not seem to bother him. I mean he outright lied saying he does not go on there much anymore. I go on there quite a few times a day and see him on there several times too. He responded back in the end when I said I still stand by what I said about not sleeping together if seeing others so you will have to let me know. He just said will do and then asked about a film I was watching!

[Philos]

Never, ever, ever say that to a guy.

 

Ever.

 

It makes an experience that he might have had a heck of a time on and might just be shy about following up on seem very insignifcant.

 

Ask him out, don't wait around for him to ask you out.

[MalibuOne]

So have you spoken with him about being exclusive Malibu? Has he brought up the sleeping together thing?

 

Hey Betty. Yes, he says he wants me to go home with him. I told him I thought it was too soon. We'd only been dating a few weeks. He mentions it every here and there but isn't pushing me. I asked him about why he was on the dating site and he said he'd gotten an email and was checking it. I guess I can understand being curious to see who's written you, but I still don't like it. Hypocritical of me, because i look at my messages too! He asked me if I wanted him to delete the account and I said he should do what he wants. But, in my heart, i'm thinking that if he's still keeping his options open like that then he's not into me nearly enough for me to sleep with him. He could very well be thinking the same thing, so we will have to discuss it again if he seriously wants to be with me physically. If we go there, then we both need to delete our accounts, IMO.

 

No, I haven't asked him to be exclusive though I don't believe he's seeing anyone else. He says he isn't and his other behavior is pretty consistent with someone who is interested in just me. So I will just keep dating him for now. If it deepens into something more meaningful over time, then that's awesome...if not, well, it's been fun while it lasted, right?

[Betty79]

Hey Malibu, yes thats exactly how I feel. I couldnt do anything with him physically now if he is still on there. It would tear me in two if I got up the next day and he was back on there!! I guess I will just try and do what your doing and date and see how it goes. I'm still backing off a bit and letting him do most of the initiating with texts, dates etc though.

[Betty79]

I could really do with some advice..he's on it more than ever now. I know I told him I don't mind but I do really. Thing is I don't really think it would have made any difference if I said I did mind. It would have just made things awkward as he obviously wants to stay on there. I don't want to demand otherwise as I don't think that ever turns out well and I don't want to keep bringing it up and look clingy. What should I do? Just back off and try and forget about him?

[Batya33]

What I did in a similar situation "yes we will be monogamous but I might want to have coffee with someone else once in awhile" was say "I am fine with you dating other women or looking to date others but not if we are sleeping together so let's wait until you're ready to be exclusive". He was very impressed with how direct I was and right after that was ready. On the downside, my sense is that since I had to be the one to bring it up he was never "that" into me. 3 months later we broke up because he still wasn't in love, and didn't see things going that way. I don't regret at all telling him where I stand and I believe he went into it with good intentions (not because he was pushed) but in all my other serious relationships the man brought up exclusivity and usually within a month of starting to date - and by the second date we both had discussed that in general we were looking for something serious.

 

As far as his account, that's just silly. It sometimes requires an email or phone call to permanently delete it but at the very least he can make himself invisible, unable to read or receive messages rather than remove it entirely from the site which would have the same effect for your purposes - he wouldn't be advertising himself as single and available and checking to see who is interested in getting to know him. When I was exclusive and even when I was engaged I thought that I had made my profile invisible and I was logging on occasionally to look at men my friends were dating/meeting or to help a female friend with her profile -- all with my SO's knowledge- he was fine with it.

 

I didn't know though that even though I was invisible, logging on somehow made me visible to certain people who had already viewed me. When I finally found out, I called and had my profile permanently deleted because it wasn't worth the risk that it might look to people I knew that I was engaged and yet on a dating site. Point is, if you want to delete it, or at least go invisible/inactive it takes minor effort.

 

All of what he has said/done is perfectly consistent with a man who is not relationship minded or., as he put it "I'd be open to if it happened down the road" - but in the context of it being unusual if it happened. Nothing wrong with what he is doing - he's been honest and open with you so far. I just dont' think that works for you and what you are looking for.

[BriarRose]

I could really do with some advice..he's on it more than ever now. I know I told him I don't mind but I do really. Thing is I don't really think it would have made any difference if I said I did mind. It would have just made things awkward as he obviously wants to stay on there. I don't want to demand otherwise as I don't think that ever turns out well and I don't want to keep bringing it up and look clingy. What should I do? Just back off and try and forget about him?

 

 

I really feel that from what you posted, that is sounded to him like you wanted to continue to date others. I understand you didn't want to sound clingy. But I don't think you expressed yourself that clearly. I think you should talk to him again and be clear about what you want. That way, if you STILL see him on-line after that, you know will know for certain . After all, you are on there several times a day, too.

 

I am not sure what you could say to him, I would tell him that it does bother you, but that's me. Others might feel it's too soon for you to say that, but I don't think it is.

 

Normally, I would advise to wait for the guy to bring this up, but I feel you may have given him mixed signals in this case.

[Betty79]

Oh I don't know what to do now..should I tell him or not? Its very contradictory isn't it and like I say I don't want to come accross clingy or demanding. Maybe I should just accept it for now and give it more time? He is back to taking ages to respond today and on there lots

[Batya33]

Oh I don't know what to do now..should I tell him or not? Its very contradictory isn't it and like I say I don't want to come accross clingy or demanding. Maybe I should just accept it for now and give it more time? He is back to taking ages to respond today and on there lots

 

His actions make it clear that he wants to advertise he is single and keep his options open. His words - he told you that he is not relationship minded and just wants to see what happens. He also told you that he is not willing to stop keeping his options open even if you agree to have sex with him. If you want to confirm this with him that seems a bit repetitive but if it will give you peace of mind, do it. A man who is interested in a potentially serious relationship with you will not experience your questions as clingy and demanding. Then again, in my opinion, you wouldn't have to ask at all - and certainly not more than once - if he were seriously interested in you or saw potential. He would want his interest in you to be clear as day because he would not want to risk you getting snapped up by someone else. But, sure, ask him again in a direct, simple way "to me being exclusive means we don't date other people or have active profiles on dating sites. How do you feel about that?"

[Betty79]

So I did send him another message and said you know that i didn't mean that I actually want to date other people yesterday. I would rather just see you and see how things go but just meant if you're not ready for that...just wanted to say and he wrote back and said you worry too much about what you say..i knew what you meant and then ask a different unrelated question.

 

So yes I guess you are all right after all. He really isnt looking for anything at all with me. I could have done the datinh / taking things slowly, not rushing thing if we were going to just concentrate on one another for a little while and see how it progressed but to know he thinks so little of me that he would rather keep his options open and chat to other women as well just sucks. I cant see this one going anywhere myself either. I am not going to initiate anything else with him now. I am getting tired of it. He asked about my plans for the weekend. I said I was planning to just chill and take it easy. He did not ask me to do anything. Said he his meeting some friends this evening but did not elbaorate on the rest of the weekend

[Ms Darcy]

I could have done the datinh / taking things slowly, not rushing thing if we were going to just concentrate on one another for a little while and see how it progressed but to know he thinks so little of me that he would rather keep his options open and chat to other women as well just sucks. I cant see this one going anywhere myself either. I am not going to initiate anything else with him now. I am getting tired of it. He asked about my plans for the weekend. I said I was planning to just chill and take it easy. He did not ask me to do anything. Said he his meeting some friends this evening but did not elbaorate on the rest of the weekend

 

In my humble opinion, his reaction was understandable. When you ask the same question over again, hoping for a different answer, you can give the impression of being a little needy. In my experience "you worry too much about ..." is code for "I think you are a little insecure about your emotions and obsessed."

 

He knows what you want and you know what he wants. You don't want the same thing. If you are truly ready to see where it goes with guys, you have to stop taking them wanting other things so personally.

[Betty79]

In my humble opinion, his reaction was understandable. When you ask the same question over again, hoping for a different answer, you can give the impression of being a little needy. In my experience "you worry too much about ..." is code for "I think you are a little insecure about your emotions and obsessed."

 

He knows what you want and you know what he wants. You don't want the same thing. If you are truly ready to see where it goes with guys, you have to stop taking them wanting other things so personally.

 

I know I didnt mean that, Im just tired and fed up.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you are disappointed but it's good that you are now being honest with yourself about what you want. Next time I would never type to someone about such a serious issue - either in person or if you have to, on the phone.

[Betty79]

I'm sorry you are disappointed but it's good that you are now being honest with yourself about what you want. Next time I would never type to someone about such a serious issue - either in person or if you have to, on the phone.

 

Yes I know I should have waited but it was just a spur of the moment thing and wanted to do it there and then and thats how we do a lot of our communication. Its not the best I know, too easy to misunderstand things, which is why I felt it necessary to send the second. All a big mess really...lol...i just want to sleep and forget and hide away in my apartment all wknd!!