First date

[KH26]

Any updates, Betty?

[Betty79]

Any updates, Betty?

 

Hi KH, yes have still been hearing from him. He text tues night before he went away and I said have a good time and give me a bell when you get back. Wasn't expecting to hear from him before that but he text yesterday to see how I was and also today and he wants to see me tomorrow when he gets home!!

 

I am much more relaxed about it now as I am also talking to another guy who I really quite like as well. I have never done this multi dating before though. I feel bad in a way kissing this guy tomorrow and then chatting to some other guy behind his back...is it ok to do this?! I suppose I did ask kind of ask him about being exclusive before and he didn't exactly seem too keen.

[Batya33]

It's not just ok, it's smart. There is no "behind his back" - he has no claim on your time or attention and it's none of his business if you're dating others or looking to date others. He probably is, too.

[Betty79]

It's not just ok, it's smart. There is no "behind his back" - he has no claim on your time or attention and it's none of his business if you're dating others or looking to date others. He probably is, too.

 

Ok thanks Batya, im just going to enjoy it then! The onl problem I can see is what if I end up really liking both of them...lol..?!

[Betty79]

Also what would you say if one of them asked what you were up to this evening and you were going on a date with the other? I dont like to lie but I wouldnt really feel comfortable saying that I was going on a date?! Also we text quite a bit so a whole evening with no response and they would know something was up!! Sorry I am new to all this..lol...

[KH26]

Hmm I suppose you could just say you're going out with friends. Then you're not really lying because it's not like you're in a relationship with any of them. And you're probably not the only one who's multiple dating either, they're probably doing the same.

 

I'm glad you're talking to other guys and have other people to focus on too. Hopefully things will work out well!

[Batya33]

Also what would you say if one of them asked what you were up to this evening and you were going on a date with the other? I dont like to lie but I wouldnt really feel comfortable saying that I was going on a date?! Also we text quite a bit so a whole evening with no response and they would know something was up!! Sorry I am new to all this..lol...

 

That is why I never stayed in touch like that with someone I was dating casually - since we weren't serious, why did we need to be in touch other than to have a real phone conversation or make or confirm quick plans for our next date? The "checking in" or "chat buddy" kind of thing belonged when we were in touch because we were a couple and it made sense to have that frequent "chatty"/check in communication. So I would fade out of the nightly texting since obviously he isn't putting in much effort beyond chatting - he is not planning dates for the two of you or asking you out for a specific day, at least not regularly.

 

I think white lies are fine when someone asks something that is not their business and/or you don't want to unnecessarily hurt the other person. When I was asked I would say "seeing a friend" or "seeing a movie" and if the person pried further and we were casually dating I found that inappropriate. The few times that happened I said "I'm really looking forward to seeing you on ____ and let's keep it that what we do/who we see when we're not together is off limits for now, until we're more serious". Of course if I wasn't ready to be serious and he was and said he wasn't comfortable with my seeing other people then we would have that conversation. Typically, since I had boundaries for casual dating (meaning, men I had met in the last few months - I was almost always looking for a serious relationship), the prying questions didn't come up - they accepted "having dinner with a friend" or "sorry I have plans that night".

[MalibuOne]

Also what would you say if one of them asked what you were up to this evening and you were going on a date with the other? I dont like to lie but I wouldnt really feel comfortable saying that I was going on a date?! Also we text quite a bit so a whole evening with no response and they would know something was up!! Sorry I am new to all this..lol...

 

He didn't have a problem not texting YOU last weekend, did he? Just don't text him back until the next day! Enjoy yourself!

[BriarRose]

you just say you have plans, there is no need to say you are going on a date. If he asks what you are doing, just say going to dinner, etc.

 

Games really aren't necessary. if you want to text him, text him. But I wouldn't accept a last minute date, even if I had no plans.

[Betty79]

So he came over last time we had a nice evening etc. whilst chatting he happened to say that he didnt have much planned for this weekend. He text me good morning this morning and we had one or two texts then he got slow again. I feel like I want to determine his interests levels a little more by asking if he would like to do something this weekend. I know a lot of people say let the guy chase, ask you out on dates etc but we've met up 6 times now through his asking, do you think its ok for me to do a bit of asking now as well?

[Betty79]

Also after a month of dating do you think it unreasonable for me to ask him to decide about exclusivity? I know I have been having fun chatting to other guys but it still bugs me a bit. I know that more than likely he will say no and I will have to be prepared to cut him loose but I just feel after a month surely you know one way or the other whether you want to focus on one person or not. Im not asking to get all serious, be labelled his girlfriend and meet his parents but I DO think that I want to be exclusive. I dont think its very fair anymore to have his cake and eat it.

[Betty79]

He has taken 4.5 hours and hasn't even responded to my last text message yet. I know he would have been at the gym the last couple of hours but he is home now and back on dating site before even bothering to respond to me. I am about to text him and say Im getting a bit fed up and thinking maybe we should call it a day.

[Ms Darcy]

He has taken 4.5 hours and hasn't even responded to my last text message yet. I know he would have been at the gym the last couple of hours but he is home now and back on dating site before even bothering to respond to me. I am about to text him and say Im getting a bit fed up and thinking maybe we should call it a day.

 

What are you fed up with?

[Betty79]

What are you fed up with?

 

Just the fact that I am waiting 5 hours on response to a text message now asking if he would like to do something on the weekend. The fact that rather than respond to it he is scanning the dating site. The fact that I would like to be exclusive and not sure I can continue for much longer if we are not and just his seemingly dwindling interest and all round lack of communication, also that we never speak on the phone!

[Betty79]

Well I did it told him that I was getting a little fed up that he didnt seem too bothered anymore and I am not really very good at casual. He said he is not sure he is ready to give his all to someone just yet and was planning to have an easy year on the relationship front while he is back at uni for the year and is worried about deviating from that. I said that I understand and if he wants to stick to that then its his decision of course but its not what I want and I said there isn't much else we can do is there. No further response as of yet.

 

It would never have worked out like this. You guys all saw it way back and I guess I was still holding onto hope a little with the bits of contact he was giving me. I will be ok. Have a little break then move on.

[MalibuOne]

Betty. Woman. Please tell me this convo is not happening via text (I know it is...) Sigh. Well, his response is pretty much what he's said all along. Personally, I don't think six dates is really all that many. I wouldn't push to be exclusive at that point. Especially if he's shown signs of dwindling interest and really poor communication/connection. I think you'll be glad you cut him loose in the long run, but maybe next time you might try taking the focus off your front runner by dating other guys at the same time? Then he wouldn't be the be all/end all of your day and you'd be able to give the budding relationship a little more time to ripen before seeking exclusivity.

 

All that said, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I know you really liked him. Maybe he'll surprise us all, but the cynic in me thinks that's unlikely. Hang in there and give Mr. New Guy a shot. Did you and he ever go out? If so, how was it?

[Betty79]

Hi Malibu, yeah im afraid it did happen over text, I just mentioned that I was fed up but I did say I didnt really want to talk about it over text but then he said something else etc. I dont really care now. I know 6 dates is not much to go exclusive and maybe if he had kept the interest and communication levels up then it wouldnt have bothered me so much but I dont want to hang around waiting for the little crumbs he gives me at the moment.

 

I do feel that it was the right thing to do, I did like him and I will miss him but it just wasn't right you know. It was all on his terms. I mean I have been talking to Mr New Guy quite a bit and he has taken my mind off him somewhat but I still dont think the levels of communication and interest were right and I dont want to see somebody like that even if he's not my front runner.

 

I did go out with Mr New Guy once earlier in the year. We had a really good evening but nothing more really came of it. He has been really attentive at the moment and has said some lovely things but I know its only words. I would like to meet up with him again but dont know if it will happen or not. Sigh.

[Batya33]

Next time I would ease up on the texting and nagging - it's often a turn off to express resentment to someone you're casually dating in that way, especially since he told you more than once he wasn't looking for anything serious right now, so your continuing to be in contact with him was your choice and your risk to take - that it stresses you now is not his fault. Might be something you choose to change in the future. It sounds like his response was "I am not interested in a relationship with you right now" - the other stuff is just more excuses because he saw that you were upset and wanted to soften the blow. Don't take it personally that he is not that into you, but now I think you see that there's not much closure in hearing "you're great but I need to focus on pairing my socks so a relationship is not in the cards right now".

[Betty79]

Thanks bataya..i don't regret saying that to him though for me it feels better to have closed it off rather than leave it hanging there. You were right a while back in that I do not want casual, I was kidding myself that I could do it before. I know this now and will know it moving forward to the next time. I don't think I appeared nagging I simply told him that what he wanted was not what I wanted. I know I should have done it the first time he said it but I got there in the end!

[BriarRose]

I disagree. I think 6 dates is enough for exclusivity. However, the fact that he chooses not to respond to your text while surfing the dating site gives you your answer. So I agree with the others, but for different reasons.

[Batya33]

Thanks bataya..i don't regret saying that to him though for me it feels better to have closed it off rather than leave it hanging there. You were right a while back in that I do not want casual, I was kidding myself that I could do it before. I know this now and will know it moving forward to the next time. I don't think I appeared nagging I simply told him that what he wanted was not what I wanted. I know I should have done it the first time he said it but I got there in the end!

 

My comment on the nagging was because this wasn't the first time you two had this discussion and sending it as a text furthers the impression of being somewhat pushy. 6 dates is certainly enough for exclusivity - that's not the issue - it's how you went about communicating with him and in a way blaming him for being dishonest with yourself. What I mean is, you subjected him to several texts on the same issue because you weren't willing to be honest with yourself. He was honest with you from the very beginning.

 

As far as "have your cake" - there's no cake to be had - you told him what you wanted, he told you he didn't want that and then you continued to stay in contact with him and try to keep his attention - reasonable of him to assume you were willing to settle for casual dating.

[Betty79]

My comment on the nagging was because this wasn't the first time you two had this discussion and sending it as a text furthers the impression of being somewhat pushy. 6 dates is certainly enough for exclusivity - that's not the issue - it's how you went about communicating with him and in a way blaming him for being dishonest with yourself. What I mean is, you subjected him to several texts on the same issue because you weren't willing to be honest with yourself. He was honest with you from the very beginning.

 

As far as "have your cake" - there's no cake to be had - you told him what you wanted, he told you he didn't want that and then you continued to stay in contact with him and try to keep his attention - reasonable of him to assume you were willing to settle for casual dating.

 

Yes I dont really disagree with any of this, as I said maybe because I liked him so much I didn't see it when he originally said and thought I could do not casual as such but going slow and seeing if it leads to more (same thing maybe) and he seemed to agree to this. However, in my mind this didn't mean dwindling interest, days without hearing from him, or taking all day to respond to one text message. I think if it had stayed as it was initially with him being quite keen, initiating contact quite frequently etc then I could have gone along with it for longer and we both said see if it pans out into more. Its just as he started acting really not too bothered by the whole thing I realised I couldnt do that sort of casual dating and so that is why I told him. When he first mentioned the casual thing it wasn't like this and he was more attentive so that is why I felt the need to bring it up again. I didn't bring it up as in a "I hope this changes his mind sort of way". I brought it up as I knew it was over and this was my way of closing it off.

[Batya33]

I understand. As I wrote to you earlier, if someone had told me he wasn't relationship minded and that he was surprised when former dates had turned into relationships, I would have bowed out then if I was marriage or serious mnded. As I wrote earlier I think it's hard enough when you are relationship mnded to put in the effort to properly get to know someone and starting out with someone who is that lukewarm/ambivalent - what's the point?

[Betty79]

I understand. As I wrote to you earlier, if someone had told me he wasn't relationship minded and that he was surprised when former dates had turned into relationships, I would have bowed out then if I was marriage or serious mnded. As I wrote earlier I think it's hard enough when you are relationship mnded to put in the effort to properly get to know someone and starting out with someone who is that lukewarm/ambivalent - what's the point?

 

Yes you're right, I probably knew that when everyone on here was telling me as well its just sometimes its hard to see or do when you like someone and have that little bit of hope. Here endeth the story though. I dont think I will be hearing from that one again...lol...

[Betty79]

ps i think a new thread is required when I meet someone else...watch out for the next episode!! hehe...