First date

[Betty79]

Thanks Malibu! I am so glad I held out on the being intimate thing. With the last guy I was seeing I didnt, I just assumed that because he was so into me he wanted a relationship like I did. When he did the slow fade afterwards it hurt so so much thats why this time I have always told this guy that I will not sleep with him if we are also seeing others and I am proud of myself for sticking to that and now it doesn't hurt nearly half as much as it might have done (although im sure im going to have times when it does hurt a little)

 

I think at the moment I am going to decide to do nothing. I am happy with the way things are and am just going to judge things by his actions ie he hasn not contacted me today therefore he is not interested. If things change and he starts ringing, asking me out all the time then of course I might look differently at things (not that i think this is going to happen, lol) So yes it is what it is at the moment!

[Batya33]

Makes sense. Are you ok with sleeping with him if he is leaving open the option of meeting/dating others or is it just that you don't want him to be dating others at the same time -there's a difference. He can still be on the dating site and not taking women on dates, just looking to see if he is interested, and then let you know if he actually decides to take a woman out on a date. I wouldn't be comfortable with that but it's not clear from your post whether you would be.

[Batya33]

What I meant by treating yourself as a special lady is being honest and true to yourself and not dating someone like him who isn't looking for the same things you are, and not accepting last minute afterthought dates from someone who doesn't want the same things you do . He knows you want more, so he knows if you settle for what he's offering you are not looking out for your own best interests - that is also not treating yourself like a special lady.

 

I think it would be perfectly appropriate to tell someone who asked you out last minute (who you hadn't been dating for very long) that you were busy - even if you didn't have plans with anyone wouldn't it be more important to have plans with yourself than to be someone's last minute afterthought plan? It's fine if we have different standards/boundaries, just explaining what I meant by "special lady".

[Betty79]

Makes sense. Are you ok with sleeping with him if he is leaving open the option of meeting/dating others or is it just that you don't want him to be dating others at the same time -there's a difference. He can still be on the dating site and not taking women on dates, just looking to see if he is interested, and then let you know if he actually decides to take a woman out on a date. I wouldn't be comfortable with that but it's not clear from your post whether you would be.

 

No Bataya I wouldn't be comfortable with him still being on the dating site either if we were sleeping together. My view is that whilst I do not demand to know that we are in a serious relationship straight away I do need to know that for now we are giving things a go with a view to becoming more serious if things go well and we aren't going to see other people whilst doing that. I think I commented a few threads back that if we were to sleep together and the next day I saw him logging onto the website again all the time it would tear me in two so not even going to go there!

[Betty79]

Yes I see what you mean Bataya. I wouldnt see him at all today or tonight now its too late. If he asked me today for tomorrow afternoon then possibly but only if he asked today otherwise I would make up something like you say. Wouldnt want him to think Im just sitting around waiting for him. I am enjoying this day to myself actually. Had a nice lie in, made breakfast, bubble bath, now watching a good film. Its nice to relax and just spend some time on me!

[BriarRose]

you said he is younger than you would normally consider....how old is he?

[Betty79]

you said he is younger than you would normally consider....how old is he?

 

He is 26 and I am 31..

[BriarRose]

He is 26 and I am 31..

 

Oh... that might be too young for you

[Betty79]

Oh... that might be too young for you

 

Ye we dont notice an age difference when we are together but it is not an age that I would normally have gone for

[Betty79]

Nothing from him at all today - its 7pm now. This must be the first time in a long time I haven't heard from him. I think he has gone now. Feel a bit sad

[Betty79]

Was it because I asked him about the dating site then?? I mean everything was ok until then. We had a great time wedn night, he was texting me practically the whole of thursday and then in the evening I asked are we going to stay on there. I mean I did it in a way which said I didnt mind just wanted to know if we are going on other dates or not and since then friday he was really slow responding and today nothing at all. Was that such a bad question. I didnt demand he took it down. Just said I wanted to wait until we were exclusive before sleeping together?!

[BriarRose]

Was it because I asked him about the dating site then?? I mean everything was ok until then. We had a great time wedn night, he was texting me practically the whole of thursday and then in the evening I asked are we going to stay on there. I mean I did it in a way which said I didnt mind just wanted to know if we are going on other dates or not and since then friday he was really slow responding and today nothing at all. Was that such a bad question. I didnt demand he took it down. Just said I wanted to wait until we were exclusive before sleeping together?!

 

he is too young for you, thats all.

[Batya33]

Was it because I asked him about the dating site then?? I mean everything was ok until then. We had a great time wedn night, he was texting me practically the whole of thursday and then in the evening I asked are we going to stay on there. I mean I did it in a way which said I didnt mind just wanted to know if we are going on other dates or not and since then friday he was really slow responding and today nothing at all. Was that such a bad question. I didnt demand he took it down. Just said I wanted to wait until we were exclusive before sleeping together?!

 

If he saw potential he would not have been bothered by the question - in fact he probably would have been happy/flattered you asked. He might have been slighly irritated that you were indirect in asking and did it by text but if he was sufficiently interested in a potentially serious relationship with you he would not have minded.

[MalibuOne]

I don't think he's too young for you at all.

 

I do think the issue of the dating site put him off because he has SAID he wasn't looking for a relationship, right? I truly think he wants to date casually and knows you want something deeper. If he was way into you, Betty, you'd KNOW it. It's unmistakable.

[Betty79]

Ok thanks bataya and malibu. I was reading back through all my posts on here and I can see he has been flakey throughout. I do know this. Its just quite hard when all of a sudden you go from constant contact to nothing with no real explanation Do you think I will hear from him again or is he just going to disappear out of my life completely?!

[KH26]

I know you said earlier on about that comment he said about the film was it Friday night? That normally you would have said something back, even though there wasn't really any need to reply. Is it possible that because you didn't reply that night then he's waiting for you to contact him and that's why he hasn't been in touch yet?

 

But, yeah, it does sound like he's being really flaky and you deserve better than that. I, too, would be uncomfortable with him still being on the dating site. It's definitely good that you haven't been intimate when you're unsure where you stand.

 

I can't say if he will contact you again or not. Just wait and see I guess. But if he doesn't contact you then I suppose you have your answer, he's just not that interested. If he doesn't contact you then move on, you definitely can do better.

[Betty79]

Hi KH, no I did contact him back that night, I left it a few hours and then made a comment about something different. We had quite a few texts back and forth and they were quite flirty and then we both said night night and I haven't heard from him since...lol...no idea what is going on. I mean yes it is probably the dating other people thing that I brought up but I said I was fine with it if he wasn't ready for more just wanted to know where we stood so yeah I dont know. Still doing well with the not contacting him thing. Guess its the only way to know for sure. If I sent him a text now, he would probably respond but then that wouldn't tell me anything?!

[KH26]

Yeah, you're right. Waiting for him to contact you is definitely better I think. And if he doesn't then you know he's not interested anymore. It's a shame he didn't just tell you though.

[Betty79]

Oh gosh I know its the right thing to do its just its getting harder now in the second day. He has never done this before. I guess yesterday I thought it was odd but I was sure in my heart he would be in touch but now uncertainty is setting in and I just dont know anymore. I dont think I will hear from him again

[Batya33]

Try to be careful about reading patterns of behavior into very short dating relationships. "He always" or "he never" isn't so relevant if you consider what a short time you've dated him. Of course if you go out with someone more than 4-5 times he should let you know if he doesn't want to ask you out again (in my opinion) but this is also why you need a thick skin to date, particularly before you're exclusive and feel more comfortable calling and asking if there is an issue or problem.

 

If you want to look at "patterns" he set the stage from the first moment he told you he wasn't looking for anything serious. I would have assumed - for self/heart protection that he meant "with you" not just generally. Sure it hurts the ego but it gives you a better perspective from which to make decisions. You chose to be dishonest with yourself first, telling yourself you were fine with his "I don't want a relationship but I might change my mind down the road" which prolonged your contact with him and attachment to him. Then when you realized you weren't comfortable with his mindset, you chose not to be direct with him because you were uncomfortable with what the answer might be (which was your answer, of course!).

 

The "of course he doesn't want anything serious, neither do I, we barely know each other" is a potentially risky way to proceed when you are relationship minded because you end up getting attached and focusing only on the "well he could change his mind in the future" but then start overanalyzing why he is still on a dating site, why he hasn't asked you out for the weekend, why why why. I think you would have been fine if he told you he saw potential for a serious relationship, was looking for one, and wanted to date for awhile before getting exclusive.

 

If he truly saw that he might have asked if you were comfortable having sex with him without a commitment but if you said no, chances are he would have backed off because if he saw potential he wouldn't want to risk pushing you and would figure "what's the rush - we'll know soon enough whether we want to be exclusive".

 

This is a great learning experience for you because you got off easy - meaning, this was not a long term dating situation and yet you saw very clearly what you want out of dating. That will be so helpful for the next person you meet!

[MalibuOne]

Remember, I said there'd be up times and down times? Ride this down time out. Keep busy. Hide your phone and don't check it all the time. Make a list of everything you didn't like about him. Do laundry!

 

I'm in the same boat you are, I think. The slow fade. Only time will tell, but I'm not gonna get frantic and start texting, calling. He knows I like him. Either he likes me back or he doesn't. I can live with either outcome and I've got better things to do than sit around dwelling on him...he doesn't have that kind of power over my mood.

 

Hang in there.

[Betty79]

Remember, I said there'd be up times and down times? Ride this down time out. Keep busy. Hide your phone and don't check it all the time. Make a list of everything you didn't like about him. Do laundry!

 

I'm in the same boat you are, I think. The slow fade. Only time will tell, but I'm not gonna get frantic and start texting, calling. He knows I like him. Either he likes me back or he doesn't. I can live with either outcome and I've got better things to do than sit around dwelling on him...he doesn't have that kind of power over my mood.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks Malibu, yes I remember...this is a down time then...its quite hard and im a little upset. We have been out 5 or 6 times now and I know guys generally dont do this but I wish he could have just said he didn't want to see me again rather than doing the disappearing act. It does hurt. I know Im not going to hear from him so I dont really need to hide the phone. Ouch

[Batya33]

Thanks Malibu, yes I remember...this is a down time then...its quite hard and im a little upset. We have been out 5 or 6 times now and I know guys generally dont do this but I wish he could have just said he didn't want to see me again rather than doing the disappearing act. It does hurt. I know Im not going to hear from him so I dont really need to hide the phone. Ouch

 

Most people (not a "guy" thing) don't disappear like this because it's rude. Would you really feel better if he told you "you're an amazing woman, its' not you, it's me, I just can't be with you right now?" I don't know - you'd probably feel like that was just a "letting you down easy" speech - not sure if you would get the closure you want.

 

Hang in there - on to bigger and better and more compatible things!

[Betty79]

Most people (not a "guy" thing) don't disappear like this because it's rude. Would you really feel better if he told you "you're an amazing woman, its' not you, it's me, I just can't be with you right now?" I don't know - you'd probably feel like that was just a "letting you down easy" speech - not sure if you would get the closure you want.

 

Hang in there - on to bigger and better and more compatible things!

 

Yes you're right Bataya it probably wouldnt make it any easier. I think one of the problems as well is that we spoke for a good long time before meeting up. We had daily contact probably for about a month which I know is a big no no in on line dating. It makes it harder now because although we have only really been seeing each other for a little under a month in real life it has created a false sense of deeper intimacy as we kind of know a lot of things about each other through the extended contact.

 

I'm not trying to make this more than it is though...of course it is nothing like the hurt I have experienced in the break up of a proper ltr but it still hurts a bit all the same to be thrown aside

[Batya33]

Yes you're right Bataya it probably wouldnt make it any easier. I think one of the problems as well is that we spoke for a good long time before meeting up. We had daily contact probably for about a month which I know is a big no no in on line dating. It makes it harder now because although we have only really been seeing each other for a little under a month in real life it has created a false sense of deeper intimacy as we kind of know a lot of things about each other through the extended contact.

 

I'm not trying to make this more than it is though...of course it is nothing like the hurt I have experienced in the break up of a proper ltr but it still hurts a bit all the same to be thrown aside

 

You weren't thrown aside. He told you where he stood from the beginning and you chose to take the risk of getting attached. He probably figures that silence is his message to you that he knows you two want different things - don't take it personally.

 

And yes I agree that typing and talking before meeting risks a sense of emotional attachment that makes the first date feel like more than it should be. That's why I didn't date "on line" - I contacted or was contacted by men through on line dating sites and met them in person ASAP. I met over 100 men over a 5 year period.