First date

[Betty79]

He did send me another text about an hour ago commented on something we spoke about earlier. He didnt ask any questions in it though so I have not replied. I dont see the point really.

[dani_katze]

Betty, I really understand how you're feeling right now. I have been there too, many times...

 

We would like to read, hear another answer from them, but trust me, you won't find that answer... but sometimes they will just try to keep you.

 

I have realized that they like the attention they got from women like us. They don't want a relationship, a serious one, but they want the attention we give them. No wonder that he also sent you another message.

 

He knows that maybe you'll try to give up with him, so he won't give up trying with you what he wants and maybe he will be more persistent, but don't think that he has change her mind!

 

You know, I met a guy like him once, in a disco. From the beginning I knew what he wanted, but I did almost the same thing you did... sent him messages, talked to him by messenger and he took ages to respond. But as soon as I gave up, he called and made some hung ups...

 

Do you have friends to go out this weekend?

[Batya33]

Yes I know I should have waited but it was just a spur of the moment thing and wanted to do it there and then and thats how we do a lot of our communication. Its not the best I know, too easy to misunderstand things, which is why I felt it necessary to send the second. All a big mess really...lol...i just want to sleep and forget and hide away in my apartment all wknd!!

 

Right - I was just suggesting to reevaulate your priorities - rather than acting on impulse to share important information, take a step back, a deep breath or ten, and choose perhaps to wait until you can discuss it in person or at least by phone. No need to beat yourself up over it. I don't think he did anything wrong - you two just wanted different things and for awhile you were trying to convince yourself that you wanted the same things. But you got there just the same.

[Betty79]

Thanks guys, no i dont have friends to go out with this weekend, was just planning a quiet one as the last few weekends have been hectic! I dont feel much like going out anyway. Dont think I would be much company!

 

Yes in future I will try not to discuss so much stuff via text, at the time I didnt see the harm in it as it was quite lighthearted but theres nothing like having a good old conversation to get to the bottom of things than waiting for a text or worrying someone has got the wrong idea!

 

So yeah I expect he will try and contact me again at some point over the next couple of days. I would normally have made some comment back to that last text so he is probably wondering why I didnt.

 

Do you think I will get over this one quite quickly? I mean Im glad i didnt rush into being intimate with him thats one thing so at least I have not got overly attached in that way but I will still miss him lots.

 

When we had the chat the other day about what I wanted and how I was seeing him with a view to having a relationship, he agreed with this and I said thats good we seem to have the same outlook and he said yes and then joked that i was only bringing that up as I was trying to get out of him beating me at bowling. He seem to genuinely want to see me but yes I know what you're going to say he probably did want to see me but doesnt mean he wants a relationship or to be exclusive with me.

[Justnotsure]

I've just been lurking, but thought I'd add two cents.

 

My advice on "getting over this one" - would be to be realistic about the relationship that you've had. You've been on a handful of dates and known him for about a month. Surely you were doing okay a month ago?

 

I just think in the first stages of dating, it helps to keep some perspective; you've seemed really anxious about this guy since Day #1. Try to think of it as getting to know someone rather than jumping into a committed, serious relationship. That should help reduce some anxiety in the first stages - that way you only have to get over people who you've really allowed into your life in a deeper way.

 

I agree with others who have said this is more easily accomplished if you only communicate to set up dates or plan when you will see each other, rather than getting involved in text conversations daily that make you feel like you know the person better than you actually do.

[dani_katze]

I tend to be obsessed easily over things... and also have been impulsive about they way I act in front of men.

 

I got rid of those guys, so you will too. It's hard, but it won't take that long, because you didn't intimate, gooood thing!

 

What helped me is to get a little bit obsessed about work and hobbies!

[BriarRose]

Betty, I think he was going to ask you out for this weekend, but when you replied that you just wanted to take it easy, he decided not to. I also think that is good that you clarified with him that you want to just see him for now.

 

Try not to be depressed when he contacts you again (which he will). I do not see him as not wanting anything with you. I see a lack of communication and insecurity on both ends.

 

Give it a few more days. If he is still on the dating site then, forget him, as you have now made your desire clear.

[BriarRose]

He did send me another text about an hour ago commented on something we spoke about earlier. He didnt ask any questions in it though so I have not replied. I dont see the point really.

 

This is part of your problem -Just respond to the guy. What did he say?

[Betty79]

Betty, I think he was going to ask you out for this weekend, but when you replied that you just wanted to take it easy, he decided not to. I also think that is good that you clarified with him that you want to just see him for now.

 

Try not to be depressed when he contacts you again (which he will). I do not see him as not wanting anything with you. I see a lack of communication and insecurity on both ends.

 

Give it a few more days. If he is still on the dating site then, forget him, as you have now made your desire clear.

 

Hi Miss K, the conversation wasn't like that..i said I had finished work for the weekend at last and he said woo hoo...any plans and then I said no not really just going to have a quiet one and I asked how about him. I think if he had wanted to see me judging by the way he has asked before then he would have taken that as Im not going out anywhere and am free to meet up.

 

I told him that I didnt mean I acutally wanted to go on dates with other guys that I would rather just see him and see how it goes but just meant if he is not ready for that. So I didnt actually say its either just see you or nothing. Therefore I know he will still be on the date site in a few days.

 

You say a lack of communication, I dont know what else to say to him. If I had come on here and said I told him outright that after 3 weeks I told him I wanted to be exclusive and he had to take his profile down otherwise I wouldnt see him again then people would tell me I was clingy and needy?!

[Betty79]

This is part of your problem -Just respond to the guy. What did he say?

 

Well we were joking earlier about how I never sit still long enough to watch a whole movie, I said I might try and watch a quarter of one tonight as a whole one would be way too much for me...lol...so he text back and said "haha that is pushing it a little isnt it! And you were meant to be cheeky and you know it

 

The cheeky bit was because i made a funny comment about his hair..haha...

 

but there really is nothing to say to that and he sent this about 1.5 hours after my original text!

[BriarRose]

No, I think that is good you cleared that up with him, I meant prior to that you probably gave him mixed signals. I still think he will want to see you this weekend.

 

Just try to relax. If he asks you out again, which he will, I think you should go.

[BriarRose]

Well we were joking earlier about how I never sit still long enough to watch a whole movie, I said I might try and watch a quarter of one tonight as a whole one would be way too much for me...lol...so he text back and said "haha that is pushing it a little isnt it! And you were meant to be cheeky and you know it

 

The cheeky bit was because i made a funny comment about his hair..haha...

 

but there really is nothing to say to that and he sent this about 1.5 hours after my original text!

 

 

An uninterested man would not have contacted you for a few days, usually when they want to get together. While all his texting is a little immature, I think he genuinely likes you.

[Betty79]

What do you think I should do about the dating site thing then Miss K? He has been on it more than ever today after I had that chat with him last night even though I clarified today as well. He is distracted and that is why he is taking so long to reply to texts again, when he is normally pretty quick.

 

I know it could be seen as needy saying that to him but why would it make him go on the site more?!

[BriarRose]

What do you think I should do about the dating site thing then Miss K? He has been on it more than ever today after I had that chat with him last night even though I clarified today as well. He is distracted and that is why he is taking so long to reply to texts again, when he is normally pretty quick.

 

I know it could be seen as needy saying that to him but why would it make him go on the site more?!

 

 

But you are on it, too? Hmm. It is a pickle. I would let the dust settle for a few days before saying anything. I would say don't go on it either, but then how will you know if he is still on it? I would probably just go out with him a few more times and then if his profile was still up I probably wouldn't continue to see him.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks guys, no i dont have friends to go out with this weekend ...

 

Do you think I will get over this one quite quickly? I mean Im glad i didnt rush into being intimate with him thats one thing so at least I have not got overly attached in that way but I will still miss him lots.

 

I think if you want to get over this one, you should have friends that you can invest your emotional energy in. Just my thought.

[ncnc]

He is on it even more now because he is just not that in to you! I usually agree with Miss Kitty, but this time I don't! Sorry Miss K Read back over your thread, he's just not interested now, sorry and I hope I may be wrong but I think dani katze has it bang on.

 

Move on, don't waste anymore time fretting over him and move on to something better.

[MalibuOne]

Betty, step back a bit and read your whole thread. You and I are in the same place but you are sooo much more invested in this guy than I am with mine. A month is nothing when it's really nothing more than a pile of texts and a few dates. Ask yourself how you would advise someone about this if you were reading your thread as a disinterested observer. I'm serious when I say you wouldn't be feeling this way if you would be open to seeing another guy at the same time. I really like my front runner, but he is just ONE fish in my sea and if it doesn't work out with him, I'll be a little sad, but not despondent. You seem like such a sweet lady, it breaks me up to see you going thru this when it's so unnecessary.

 

Hang in there. I agree with Miss Kitty that he will be in touch. But only because he knows you're hooked, not because he's so totally into you that he can't go another day without you. I think you've been very clear with him about your needs, he just isn't up to meeting them for you.

[Jess2006]

I have been quietly reading this thread since it started, but felt I had to bring my two cents. Miss Kitty, no disrespect, but I couldn't disagree with you more.

 

Betty, I have been almost in your exact same situation more than once, and I have had a similar reaction to yours as well. Please believe a guy when he TELLS you that he is not looking for a relationship. It does not mean that he does not "like" you, so of course he is going to keep talking to you as if nothing is going on. You are allowing it! And yes, he is going to be online since he has absolutely no commitment to you and is free as a bird to look around. That is not what you want so this is where the incompatible sides show up. No conversations are going to change his mind about what he wants right now, with you.

 

I swear this post could have been something I could have started. Like you, I had to ask these guys (two that really stick on my mind) what they were looking for. They would say they really liked me, they would call/text/IM , go out. One of them said that it was really hard for him to fall in love and that he didn't like to put "labels" on things. Fine, I kept on seeing him, he was still checking his online dating profile, updating it. We started to go out less and less until I noticed that he had taken it off. I sent him an email mentioning that I had noticed he had hiden his profile and he wrote back that he did because he now had a girlfriend! When he broke up with her he text me to be his booty call. Yeah, charming. But oh believe me, he seemed very into me at the time. He would take me out to expensive restaurants and would always pay. I just didnt listen to what he told me before because I was hoping he would chance his mind. That rarely happens. If they dont see you as long term potential they probably never will.

 

It was something similar with the other guy. He would always message me, but I started noticing that the time between our dates was getting longer. So I confronted him, via email, and asked him what was going on. He said that he was really busy, etc. So we continued talking (not going on) for a couple of weeks until I asked him again why we weren't going out. You know what he said? He wrote In IM that it probably wouldn't sit too well with his new girlfriend, and put a smiley face at the end of the sentence. He had met another woman on the dating site. Oh and I had asked him early on about if he saw potential in us and he just brushed off the question. Deep inside I had the feeling that he did not see me being his girlfriend, but I tried to rationalize it. I could give more examples but I would be making this too long. Like you, I would obssess over it and try to analyse every single little thing these guys said and did. It shouldn't have been that hard.

 

Betty, I'm not saying this will happen to you, but things seem clear to me Asa third party. Stop and seriously consider what your gut is telling you. It usually is right. Only you can end up hurt in the end.

 

(sorry for the typos, I'm posting this through my phone but felt I had to say something)

 

Hugs!

[Ms Darcy]

He has been on it more than ever today after I had that chat with him last night even though I clarified today as well. He is distracted and that is why he is taking so long to reply to texts again, when he is normally pretty quick.

 

I know it could be seen as needy saying that to him but why would it make him go on the site more?!

 

Hon, think about it. You send him uncomfortable and kind of needy messages and he starts looking harder at other women/slowing his response time to you. It's the hallmark of not interested.

[Betty79]

Yes I know my gut is telling me that things aren't great. Definitely not contacting him today. I have come off the dating site now. It had gone kind of stale for me on there anyway so I have signed up to a different one that you have to pay for (the other was free) so hopefully meet some new people. If things aren't going to work out between us I wouldnt have wanted to have stayed on that one anyway, I know I would still have been constantly looking him up.

 

I feel a bit better having done that already. So now if he texts and takes hours to reply, I can take it for what it is rather than immediately jumping on the dating site and seeing him there and beating myself up. Feel a lot calmer this morning. Just going to get on with my day and not think about him too much!

[Betty79]

He did ask me last night when I was free again but I think only because we were having a bit of flirty, sexy chat...lol... I said I was free this wknd and he said he would see when he is free over the weekend!? I have not heard anything from him so far today normally he would text when he woke up about 9ish. Its midday now but im ok about it.

[Ms Darcy]

Betty, did you say you don't have any friends to hang out with?

[Batya33]

He did ask me last night when I was free again but I think only because we were having a bit of flirty, sexy chat...lol... I said I was free this wknd and he said he would see when he is free over the weekend!? I have not heard anything from him so far today normally he would text when he woke up about 9ish. Its midday now but im ok about it.

 

He hasn't contacted you yet because he knows he doesn't have to ask you out for a proper date in advance - you're available to flirt with or to hang out with last minute, and you're willing to accept his "go with the flow" arrangement even though he knows you are looking for more, so why should he bother treating you like a special lady when you are not treating yourself like a special lady? What's stopping you from treating yourself like a special lady? Boredom/no friends to hang out with - not a good enough excuse - try again.....

[Betty79]

He hasn't contacted you yet because he knows he doesn't have to ask you out for a proper date in advance - you're available to flirt with or to hang out with last minute, and you're willing to accept his "go with the flow" arrangement even though he knows you are looking for more, so why should he bother treating you like a special lady when you are not treating yourself like a special lady? What's stopping you from treating yourself like a special lady? Boredom/no friends to hang out with - not a good enough excuse - try again.....

 

What do you mean Bataya? Why am I not treating myself like a special lady? Because I answer his texts? What should I say...I tired saying that Im not available for texting much at the moment and get in touch if you would like to go out again sometime but then we ended up getting back into it. Its hard as he will send these things and I feel I have to respond so as not to appear rude and then it just escalates. A lot of people texxt here and use it as one of the main forms of communication. Its just a normal thing to do so would appear a bit odd if I said I didnt want to text anymore.

 

I dont want to accept last minute dates - last time we went out he asked on Monday for a Wednesday. I'm not saying if he text now and said he wanted to meet up in the next hour I would do it but when he asked last night when I was free next, well it seemed silly to say that I was busy this weekend when I was not. He is going out of town Wedn to Sun next week so wont see him then anyway.

 

Still have not heard from him but I actually cant believe how fine I feel about it and im not just saying that. No anxiety which is not like me!! In a way perhaps it is good if I dont hear from him because although its clear to all of you already this is what I need to make it crystal clear to me that he's not interested. I haven't been on the dating site either and I dont give a monkeys what he is doing on there now..lol...just feel I am in a better place but yes maybe I do need to work on treating myself better??

 

Also I was talking about it with one of my friends yesterday and she asked me whether I actually really liked him or whether I just enjoyed all the attention that he has been giving me. She said she was just playing devils advocate but it was something for me to think about. I vehemently denied it said we get along great, have such fun, I find him attractive and all those things are true but he is completely the opposite to what I would usually go for looks wise and quite a bit younger than I would normally consider dating. When he first contacted me I wasn't that interested at all, his looks didn't particularly appeal to me, he would text me and I would take a while to respond and sometimes I wouldnt even respond at all but he kept it up and he grew on me and I do find him attractive now, although perhaps others wouldn't. We have developed some kind of spark but yes she did get me thinking of whether it was a case of enjoying the attention and maybe thats why I am not finding it heart breaking that I haven't heard from him. As normally in this sort of situation I would be going up the wall...lol...

[MalibuOne]

Good for you Betty! I think you will have up moments and down moments so enjoy the periods where you're feeling up.

 

I think Batya is saying that women who know their value expect that a man will treat them that way. By having REAL communication. Don't get me wrong...I text, but I prefer to talk person to person, or on the phone. The interested man will go out of his way to find ways to spend time with you not just gauge your availability in case he feels up to it later.

 

I'm not saying this guy doesn't like you. He probably does. He just doesn't seem to be in the market for a serious girlfriend, is all, and there's nothing wrong with that. It just isn't what you were hoping for. Now you have to decide if you're ok with that or if you should cut your losses before you get sucked in and get hurt. The fact that you were strong about not getting intimate should help with that immensely and kudos to you for holding out on that score. Women tend to equate sex and deeper emotion and men often don't.