First date

[FreedomRing]

Wait a sec - so you called him, and he TEXTED you back saying he was in bed and watching tv???? He couldn't even call you back? This dude isn't interested ENOUGH in you. I won't come right out and say he is not interested, but it seems only mildly....besides, who mentions to someone they are interested in seeing, all the days their NOT free, without following when they ARE free, and setting up a date?

 

I think this isn't neuroscience here - he's not TOTALLY into you.

[MalibuOne]

Betty, I wanna suggest that you keep up with the attentive guy too. I have been in many situations where I'm thinking "meh, he's ok" but I have a tendency to get carried away with the one I'm really interested in to the point where I didn't give other guys a chance. Then, when the guy I was interested in pulled a fade, there was no one else on the horizon. I quit doing that and I'm so glad I did. I met one guy recently that I was almost positive would come to nothing, but I told myself to quit rushing to judgement and give him a chance. He's turned out to be just a peach! If I'd blown him off, I'd have never had the chance to learn what a great guy he is.

 

One other thing. Some guys really get off on the thrill of the chase. If you're always available every time they ask you out, if you respond to every single text right away, if you aren't any kind of challenge, some guys lose interest. Personally, I avoid these guys like the plague because they're usually not cut out for long term relationships.

 

Also, as far as telling him you don't like how things are going? Just be up front. Since you two seem to text, I'd just say something like "so i'm thinking texting is fun, but i wanna talk on the phone too sometimes" Personally, I prefer to have these conversations in person so I can eyeball him and see how he's taking it.

[Betty79]

Ok so he has just responded to me after 3 hours. This is what i'm thinking of saying..hey listen I don't really have a whole lot of time for texting at the moment as pretty busy. If you fancy doing something again sometime then give me a buzz and i'm sure we can sort something out otherwise happy fishing as they say..lol..

We are on plenty of fish dating site. What do you think of this? I would rather not speak again than carry on in limbo.

[MalibuOne]

I like it!

[ncnc]

Why cant you just txt 'Im free now on Thur/Fri/Sat (which ever it is), would you like to get together??

[Betty79]

Why cant you just txt 'Im free now on Thur/Fri/Sat (which ever it is), would you like to get together??

 

Because I don't want to be the one chasing him and asking him out all the time! I asked him to do something last sun which he ended up cancelling.

[ncnc]

I understand that but you will get your answer there and then if you do that! If he says I cant as I have plans then txt back 'OK well contact me when you can get together nxt, hopefully see you soon' then leave it at that.

[KH26]

I think I'd probably have to do what ncnc said! Maybe that's because I'm way too impatient though haha. To be honest though I don't see what harm it's going to do right now and you will have your answer if he seems uninterested.

[Betty79]

I text him what I said I was going to text him and he replied and said you're busy friday though aren't you and I said yes but im free thurs or sun and he has just replied now and said Hmm ok! Well shall speak soon then busy bee.

 

I take this as a bad sign, I mean he hasn't said ok lets meet up sunday or whenever has he..

[Circe1607308268]

betty, I was involved very briefly with a guy would not talk on the phone, but rather texted everything. Getting any plan together with him for a date was agonizing and kept me on pins and needles. It all ended when he kept blowing me off and then "forgot" a date for which I had made sure to keep my day open. On a holiday weekend, no less.

 

I'm beginning to think that texting is an excellent form of communication for some people who are indecisive, insecure or noncommital. Think about it. In a phone conversation, they can be easily put on the spot. "How about Sunday?" you ask. "Uh...errr... hmmm!" they stall. They have to say something, don't they? This is too much to the point, and they don't like it. But with texting, it's like you've dropped the suggestion down a well. It sits there for a while. They have plenty of time to ruminate on it. Then they can send back some noncommital answer like, "We shall speak soon." Which buys them even more time for whatever issues they're dealing with, or to keep you on a hook while they investigate other options.

 

Which leaves you hanging. Again. And you're supposed to do what? Keep Sunday open, just in case? Make other plans? What? See what I mean?

 

I would take him at his word. We shall SPEAK soon, he says. So wait for him to speak. On the telephone. In the meantime, use your freed up Sunday for a date with the Attentive Guy!

[Betty79]

Thanks Circe, I have no intention of keeping Sunday free, if something better comes up and I haven't heard from him then I'll do that. I dont think its good at all really. I mean he could have said I think I might be busy those days too but how about early next week but to just say we shall speak soon is bad.

 

The attentive guy is still attentive..lol.he is a solicitor and super confident though which scares me a little as im quite shy!! We haven't been speaking long but he has already asked for a date. I would kind of like to speak for a little bit longer first?

[Betty79]

My friend says that its a good thing that at least he asked about friday...i dont know...he probably chose that day cos he knew I was busy...lol

[Circe1607308268]

Betty, I am excruciatingly shy, although no one suspects this! I'm the type who used to wish that a trapdoor would open and allow me to fall through, away from people and social situations that I thought I can't handle. But after I was divorced and moved to a city where I had no family and no friends -- I had no choice but to become more outgoing even though I'm still a shy flower at heart! It's all practice. I used to think that extroverted people had some kind of secret talent, but it's mostly the talent of not thinking so much about yourself and worrying about how you'll come off and just jumping in.

 

Also, asking questions and being a good listener is half the battle and shy people do that better than anyone. So you have a great advantage there. Most people enjoy talking about themselves or on some topic of interest to them. You can easily keep the conversation going by batting them some questions and letting them rattle on until you feel composed enough to chime in.

 

If the solicitor (!!!) has asked you out, and you're interested, accept and go! If he is super confident, he will probably have no problem talking and that lightens your load a bit initially.

 

As for waiting, sometimes talking to someone in a preliminary fashion for too long makes your nervousness worse, as you may start to get attached or begin to worry about whether they'll like you. I'm finding it better to meet sooner rather than later. No time for butterflies to hatch that way.

 

Go have some fun!

[MalibuOne]

Betty, most guys worth their salt know that nice women are hard to find. So they ask them out promptly so no one else can snap them up. Say yes to attentive guy. Let him lead, especially if you're shy. It's just a date, after all. You're not going to make any long term commitments over coffee, right?

[BriarRose]

Betty, you told him that you were busy Thurs, Fri and Sat. If a guy told me that, I would think he was blowing me off. Just tell the guy your schedules obviously crossed this week and you look forward to seeing him again.

[Betty79]

Well I told him what I was doing on those days...also when I told him about the texting thing I said get in touch if you want to do something again and he said you're out friday right and I said yes but told him that I was free tomorrow and Sunday so its not as though I was blowing him off. He didnt mention anything about those days though just the hmm ok, well shall speak soon then...

[BriarRose]

Well I told him what I was doing on those days...also when I told him about the texting thing I said get in touch if you want to do something again and he said you're out friday right and I said yes but told him that I was free tomorrow and Sunday so its not as though I was blowing him off. He didnt mention anything about those days though just the hmm ok, well shall speak soon then...

 

I still think he took it as rejection of sorts. I know your plans were ligitimate, but it sounds as if you were squeezing him into your schedule (which you were). Just see what happens. You'll be hearing from him. Obviously he is interested.

[Betty79]

I still think he took it as rejection of sorts. I know your plans were ligitimate, but it sounds as if you were squeezing him into your schedule (which you were). Just see what happens. You'll be hearing from him. Obviously he is interested.

 

Ok thanks Miss K, I hope I do, you are usually right about these things! Yes its been a busy week for me. I cant really contact him now though to say sorry our schedules have crossed after giving him the not texting speech, lol, its probably a double rejection then as I told him I was too busy for texting as well!

 

However, I thought it was a little rude when I rang him after he text me last night for him not to answer and then instead of calling back texting to say he had just got into bed and was watching his favourite tv show! I mean I do think I am justified in telling him no more texting. I could just tell his interest levels had changed. I was the one who started the conversation about what we were doing this week. He didnt ask me about my plans with a view to asking me out or anything.

 

Like you say see how it goes..

[MalibuOne]

Betty, I think you're right that his interest level has changed. A woman knows that sinking sensation where, instead of blithely sending a text and knowing you'll get a near instant response you get delays, when they don't make plans with you, when other, mundane things are more important to them than spending time with you, when they don't call. When the intensity goes from 100 mph to 25 in the slow lane. That's when we start making excuses for their behavior rather than face the real possibility that they're just not that into us.

 

Do yourself the biggest favor you can. Keep your self respect and stay on the path of being open and honest about what you're looking for in your relationships. You'll be glad you did down the road. You're doing great so far. You haven't subjugated your needs to hang onto this nebulous relationship. Hang in there and let us know about Mr. Attentive!!

[Betty79]

Well the original guy text me again today. I hadnt been in touch with him since the hmm, ok we shall speak soon then text. He said so you're free on Sunday then. I said yes I will be driving home in the morning but will be back by mid afternoon. He said well how about we do something then or in the evening. I said yes sounds great and he suggested and couple of drinks then grabbing a takeaway.

 

The only thing that bugs me a little is he said how nice it would be to stay over, which yes it would be but im not ready for that yet and would only want to if we were not seeing other people. He said it in a kind of cheeky, tongue in cheek sort of way, no pressure or anything. Before I had chance to reply though he said he forgot he had to take his mum somewhere on monday anyway so would have to just be sunday cuddles.

 

I have told him I dont want to rush things but if he brings it up again should I say that I wouldnt want to unless we aren't seeing other people and I think its a bit soon for that at the moment?

[Circe1607308268]

I have told him I dont want to rush things but if he brings it up again should I say that I wouldnt want to unless we aren't seeing other people and I think its a bit soon for that at the moment?

 

Absolutely.

 

And repeat as necessary until you are satisfied on both counts.

[FreedomRing]

1) he insists on texting

 

2) when he does insist on texting, it's not as prompt as it used to be

 

3) he comes on full speed again, by hinting around that he would like to spend the night?

 

Come on Betty...use your intuition...why are you settling for this guy???

[Betty79]

1) he insists on texting

 

2) when he does insist on texting, it's not as prompt as it used to be

 

3) he comes on full speed again, by hinting around that he would like to spend the night?

 

Come on Betty...use your intuition...why are you settling for this guy???

 

I can see how it looks but i cant explain it, he does it in a cute way, i think he is only half teasing anyway (although if given the chance Im sure he would stay). He isnt coming on full speed again, he has just thought about my request about only getting in touch if he wanted to go out and therefore he got in touch and asked me out. We have had a few other texts today but it has been nice. We will probably chat on the phone at some point over the next couple of days to sort things out. If not then I may mention something about preferring to talk on the phone sometimes rather than texting.

 

I dont know I'm not saying everything is going to turn out hunky dory...far from it. If anything Im looking more at the negatives at the moment maybe because I dont want to get myself in too deep and get hurt and Im not going to sleep with him or do anything until im ready and if necessary I will tell him this. It will either put him off or he will stick around until I am ready in which case I will know if he's only after one thing or not.

[MalibuOne]

This makes me laugh. I just told my sweetie that women need a reason. Men just need a place. My guy says he knows that pushing for sex too soon just results in the possibility of the relationship ending prematurely because you both introduced that complication before the foundation was laid. Please tell me this guy is too good to be true?!

[MyLifeRocks]

Okay, ladies, and to you, Miss. Betty, in particular: I have been having similar men issues myself and while Googling cures to my issue(s), I bumped into this site. I spent the last hour reading this thread and even signed up just so I could respond. First, I must commend all the ladies on this thread for your high level of class and thoughtful responses, as well as the thoughtful response to responses from Ms. Betty herself. Second, I feel so much better about my own situation already after reading this thread and knowing that truly I am, like the name of this site, "not alone." With this said, I must point out (humorously) that only us women can come up with a thread with over 200 responses and comments about this topic! I mean, this is practically a book...and an insightful one! Betty, please know that I truly feel for you and your situation. I have been there and probably will go there many more times until it's over. I am glad you found this support system...and that I found you all! You sound like an incredible gal.