First date

[Betty79]

Well like I said I will probably sign up to a different site before too long, its proably time for a change anyway and I just think it will be easier that way. It doesn't make me feel good when we've had a nice chat or whatever and then I see him go on there straight after. I am also guilty of logging on just to see if he's been on...lol... so I think leave him to it on that site. I am completely open to dating other people if someone suitable comes along. I will keep my eyes open in real life and will also research some new dating sites!

[Ms Darcy]

I am completely open to dating other people if someone suitable comes along. I will keep my eyes open in real life and will also research some new dating sites!

 

Good for you!

[BriarRose]

Well like I said I will probably sign up to a different site before too long, its proably time for a change anyway and I just think it will be easier that way. It doesn't make me feel good when we've had a nice chat or whatever and then I see him go on there straight after. I am also guilty of logging on just to see if he's been on...lol... so I think leave him to it on that site. I am completely open to dating other people if someone suitable comes along. I will keep my eyes open in real life and will also research some new dating sites!

 

Hon, it would bother me, too. Unfortunately, dont' be surprised if you also find him on whatever new site you go on. Those guys tend to be members of more than one site.

[KH26]

I am a great girl and he would be lucky to have me!!!

 

That's the spirit

[Betty79]

Well i'm feeling quite a lot better today. I was in a good frame of mind when I woke up and there was no way I was going to contact him today and I didn't mind him not contacting me either. He text me first thing though to ask if I slept well so that was quite nice. I also feel so much better not being able to check up on him on the dating site. Going to start back at the gym tonight to get rid of some excess energy and concentrate on me a bit and take my mind off him. All good!

[BriarRose]

glad you're feelin' better....

[Circe1607308268]

Betty -- I've been watching this and want to tell you that I'm sorry it seems to be fuddling down the drain, and that I'm glad you're keeping on keeping on!

 

Unfortunately, most people seem to have the attention spans of gnats and no clue as to how to extricate themselves from situations with a modicum of kindness and consideration for the other party.

 

As you know, I just went through the same thing myself, with a man who who talked constantly of our "future" and then let me hang for two excruciating weeks, pretending continuing interest in seeing me again (under his own initiative, because I did not call, text or email until the very end), before working up the nerve to ask me to "be friends." I give him credit for doing that much, but that's only in the context that 95% of others never do it at all, so it's really not all that commendable. His next great accomplishment should be to keep his mouth shut about the "future" until he's absolutely sure there is one.

 

It's really too bad that people play fast and loose with others under the guise of "it's only dating" and "it's only been a few dates" and "we're not exclusive." For heaven's sakes! If you can ask someone out on a date, you can also tell them you're no longer interested without making a tortuous production out of it. Fish or cut bait. And do it properly.

 

And in the meantime, start multiple dating. I have. I would never have done this in the past, but I'm sick and tired of wasting so much emotional energy on people who are here today and gone tomorrow.

[Betty79]

The problem I have got is that I cant do casual with this guy. I really like him. He is texting me all the time but is also still on the dating site a lot as well. I know I should date around but I dont think that would help much at the moment. I have no idea what he is looking for...casual fun, dating, relationship? I think I would rather tell him that im not really into casual and ask what he is looking for from dating and run the risk of it not being the same rather than carry on having all this contact when we could want completely different things and I will end up too attached. What should I do?

[Ms Darcy]

The problem I have got is that I cant do casual with this guy. I really like him.

 

He is texting me all the time but is also still on the dating site a lot as well. I know I should date around but I dont think that would help much at the moment.

 

What should I do?

 

Date around. The point is that you shouldn't be investing this much in one guy. He's certainly not in you.

[LoveSoDeep]

betty -

 

Just read all of this through and I have to say that my take is he's seeing someone else....actually if I had to guess he's just broken up with someone and he's hoping she'll come back.

 

My ex spent a year floating back and forth between me and another girl and this is exactly how he was towards me...when the other girl was out of the picture it was all fine and dandy then she'd pop back up and he'd go scarce....she'd leave again and he'd be back. It was this endless cycle of on and off and the only one really happy was him b/c he never had to be alone.

 

Even if that isn't the case don't put yourself through this back and forth ride! Go on and find someone else if he's really into you and really ready to date just you he'll come find you but....that may never happen...don't waste precious time waiting.

[Betty79]

He broke up with someone back in Feb, or she broke up with him, they had been going out about a year. I think he was a bit down about it for a while. I dont know where she lives or anything, perhaps they do still bump into one another.

 

He text me again this evening but I haven't replied I need to get off this rollercoaster for a bit. After an hour he text me again and said hmmm where have you gone...night night.

 

The issue I have is that whilst he is doing this he is also on the dating site. I know we are not exclusive, I know its only been a couple of weeks and sure he is probably entitled to do it and hell yeah i should be doing it too but I have never dating in this way before and I just dont like it. Maybe I am not cut out for online dating. At least if you meet someone in real life its not so under your nose!

[BriarRose]

i think you should quit texting each other and go on another date. that is the only way to build on what you have and eventually get a relationship and get him off-line.

[Betty79]

i think you should quit texting each other and go on another date. that is the only way to build on what you have and eventually get a relationship and get him off-line.

 

Yes I would like to do that but he hasn't asked for another one yet. We both said how busy we are this week...him tues and wedn and me thurs, fri and sat so a bit stuck there really. I dont know if he would have asked if I wasn't busy!

[Circe1607308268]

betty, I know it's hard to do something so against your nature. That is, date multiple men. I'm not crazy about it. But he is not sitting around waiting for your time and attention when you have it to give. Especially now that you say he recently broke up with someone. He's may not be "ready" for an exclusive relationship. Some people like to just skim the pond after a breakup and have no intention or desire for anything serious with anyone. 'Course, they won't come right out and tell you that because they know what will happen. And they don't want that. Yet.

 

It will feel strange and "wrong" at first to date more than one guy. But you'll get used to it. And you know what? It's been so much easier for me the last couple of weeks to always have something to do, somewhere to go, and someone to interact with rather than sitting around bemoaning the "let's be friends" guy. I'm actually...wow...having some fun instead of letting the summer pass me by! Maybe I won't meet anyone long term for a while, but it's a lot less stressful than it was when I was concentrating every fiber of my being on the guy who flaked out on me.

 

Unless you can free up some time to go on another date soon and he ASKS you on another date soon to clear things up as Stray Cat has suggested, I would say you need to start filling up your social schedule with some meetings.

[MalibuOne]

Betty. Girlfriend. You are wayyyy too hung up on this guy too early in the game. The only way NOT to be so invested is to occupy yourself with other activities (or men). Why are YOU always on the dating site? I bet if you stayed off of it and just enjoyed the texting, you'd be less frustrated.

 

That said, I wonder why this guy doesn't actually CALL you rather than just text? Have you ever asked him? I've found that if a behavior is bugging me, it's better if I just tell him about it. Shows I respect myself and my needs and won't be treated cavalierly. (I prefer it if the guy is open like that too...it's how you learn about each other.). All this texting makes me wonder if he's married and hiding his activities from his wife...

[Betty79]

Betty. Girlfriend. You are wayyyy too hung up on this guy too early in the game. The only way NOT to be so invested is to occupy yourself with other activities (or men). Why are YOU always on the dating site? I bet if you stayed off of it and just enjoyed the texting, you'd be less frustrated.

 

That said, I wonder why this guy doesn't actually CALL you rather than just text? Have you ever asked him? I've found that if a behavior is bugging me, it's better if I just tell him about it. Shows I respect myself and my needs and won't be treated cavalierly. (I prefer it if the guy is open like that too...it's how you learn about each other.). All this texting makes me wonder if he's married and hiding his activities from his wife...

 

Thanks Malibu and Circe. I know he's not married. Ive seen lots of pics of his family etc, he is living with his parents at the moment. I think he just prefers texting. Having said that I did try to call him last night after he text me but he didnt answer and then after about half hour he replied and said he had been downstairs and he was tucked up in bed now watching his fav prog!

 

I want to communicate with him that his behaviour is bugging me like you suggest Malibu but I just dont know how or what to say?

 

I think you're right about staying off the dating site too. The thing is when he used to text he would normally respond to me straight away but now it can take up to an hour a time. This bugs me just cos it was different from how it was and when I logged on to see if he was on the dating site there he was, so obviously the delay is because he is chatting to others as well.

[KH26]

Hmm. My boyfriend's like this with texting. We've been together a year and a half and he's a nightmare replying to texts (always has been). And he'll tell me that he hates texting and doesn't want to spend all his time texting while he's off work. I'm the same though. I get so frustrated with texting, it gets boring after a while.

 

Could he just be busy and that's why he's not replying to texts straight away? My boyfriend's into cycling in a huuuge way and most of the time when he's not with me or he's not working he's out on his bike and his phone's on silent. He's just a bit rubbish with the mobile anyway, I don't know why he has one lol. So could he just be busy or doing other things and that's why he doesn't reply for a while?

 

And I get what you mean about the multiple dating. I've been pretty lucky. My ex I was with for quite a while, I met him when I wasn't really looking. And my boyfriend I met at a party when I wasn't really looking too and it all worked out well from the start. So I haven't had much dating experience really. But I think if I were to date again I would find the multiple dating uncomfortable or awkward. I suppose it's not for everyone. And, I don't know if this is just me but it doesn't seem quite a common in the UK as it is in the US? But people with more experience can correct me if I'm wrong!

[Betty79]

No I don't think he's busy. For the last couple of months we've been chatting he would always respond pretty much straight away. Now it takes a good while and when I look he is always on the dating site so must be because of that. Anyway this is what I have decided today..its far too soon to be needy and clingy and ask questions about where things are going. I have to accept that he will be talking to other girls at this stage but I don't want him feeling all comfortable about me either. I have another guy who is texting me at the moment and he is quite attentive. My heart is not really in it but i'm going to chat with him a while and see how things go. Also I am going to stop responding to his texts straight away as well. As long as he takes I will double the time to reply. I have also told him I am going out for a drink tonight, which I am, only with a friend but I have not told him who. I'm not playing games but let him feel a little uncertain for a while as well! What do you think??

[KH26]

Yeah, it's good to not be clingy and needy at this stage. You can tell better than anyone else if something's not right and it sounds like you feel something definitely isn't right. Yes, fair enough if he is dating other girls, if you feel comfortable with dating other guys too then you should definitely do that. But don't sit around waiting for him if he does change. You can do better than that!

 

Has he been texting first since the other day when he said he left his phone at home all day?

[Betty79]

Yes he pretty much texts first most of the time and I respond. I definitely wont be contacting him first again. I'm free on tmrw evening now and would like to meet up with him but I can't ask him out and don't know how to tell him without sounding like i'm fishing for a date..not that he would probably ask anyway. Best to just continue pacing my texts and try to be open to new people I guess.

[Batya33]

Yes he pretty much texts first most of the time and I respond. I definitely wont be contacting him first again. I'm free on tmrw evening now and would like to meet up with him but I can't ask him out and don't know how to tell him without sounding like i'm fishing for a date..not that he would probably ask anyway. Best to just continue pacing my texts and try to be open to new people I guess.

 

I would write "thanks for the text - things are getting a bit busy now so I don't have as much time for a chat buddy - if you want to get together again, just let me know in advance when you're free and if I'm free too I'm sure we can work something out"

[BriarRose]

Hi Betty,

 

Sorry, I didn't read all these, but what did you say you were doing that you were busy on Thurs, Fri and Saturday when he asked?

[Circe1607308268]

Quote:

I would write "thanks for the text - things are getting a bit busy now so I don't have as much time for a chat buddy - if you want to get together again, just let me know in advance when you're free and if I'm free too I'm sure we can work something out"

 

Exactly.

[BriarRose]

Quote:

I would write "thanks for the text - things are getting a bit busy now so I don't have as much time for a chat buddy - if you want to get together again, just let me know in advance when you're free and if I'm free too I'm sure we can work something out"

 

Exactly.

 

 

He did contact her and she told him she was "busy" Thurs, Fri & Sat. Betty, 3 days? Were you going out of town?

[Betty79]

Well I asked him what he was up to this week and he said he had a pretty busy week and told me ou a couple of things he was doing tues and wed. I said I was pretty busy too. Thurs my mum is having an op so need to see her after work then fri I had a prearranged meal with friends and sat I am going out of town to stay with another friend for the night. Should I still tell him that we should stop the texting until he is ready to go out again? Its not entirely his fault that we are not meeting up but i'm not convinced he would have asked anyway?