I'm practically convinced it was the money that made her break up with me

[keith515]

I'm not 100% but everything points to money that caused her to lose feelings for me. We had been together 3 1/2 months and she broke up with me 3 weeks ago tomorrow.

 

First conversation about money

We had a discussion about how much money she would make if she got promoted. I asked her how much she made now and she told me which shocked me because I didn't know she made that much. She makes 15,000 more than I do. I didn't tell her how much I made but I did tell her she made more than me.

 

My main concern was I felt a little inadequate since she made more than me and I was afraid she would think less of me. She said she understood how I felt and that's all I cared about and didn't think anything more about it.

 

Also, in the conversation I told her I will generally pick up the check but would not be offended if she did at times. At the time, I felt a little funny doing that since she made so much more than me but didn't tell her that.

 

The following weekend

She drove out to spend the weekend with me (this was only the 2nd time in 2 months she came over). She suggested we go out on Friday night. I said "good idea" and I paid for dinner and drinks. Then we went to 2 other bars and I paid for that as well. The next day we ordered take out and I paid for that. We went the mall and she bought me a coffee and a cookie. I didn't say or think anything much about it since she made the trip over to my place (about 20 miles plus tolls).

 

The reason the event is significant is that everything was fine at this point. I think she was testing me. It was her idea to go out and I paid for everything despite the fact we had the discussion she made more than me.

 

The next weekend (this was the day she told me her feelings began to change towards me)

I come over Friday night and spent the night. The next morning she suggested we go to breakfast (it would be her, her son, and I). She paid and I didn't offer to pay. (I remember her saying she I didn't have to pay for her son. Maybe I should have offered to pay for my own meal.)

 

In the previous day I brought $40 worth of chairs that she was going to reimburse me for her business. She told me to remind her to go the bank. The next day I did when she came back from picking up the babysitter and she seemed to get irritated about that. She also picked up a bottle of liquor for the party we were going to on her own accord.

 

We went to the party (my friends) and it wasn't that great. She paid for the babysitter and I remember she said she didn't expect me to pay for the babysitter when we went out but I offered $25 because I thought it was $50. She said just give me 20 when I offered to give her $25.

 

The incidents she cited for her feelings to change I didn't pay for breakfast, she paid for the liquor, I asked about the money for the chairs, and she still had to pay some money for the babysitter.

Why I think it was the money

She said she wouldn't love less if I made less money but I think she just lied.

 

1) Her previous BF who was a jerk made lots of money. He bought a business and once paid tickets for her and her son to visit her family.

2) Her ex-husband made a decent living where she didn't have to bring in a lot of money.

3) She dated a rather large older man but he was a district manager and made a fairly good living.

4) We took a road trip with her and a friend of ours. She didn't have to pay for anything except for one night we went out. I paid $500 that weekend.

5) 4 of the incidents that she brought up had to do with money.

6) She is lazy and would much rather be able to stay at home every day rather than have a career - she wants to someone to take care of her financially.

7) A friend of ours said that she expects our friend and our friend's husband to pay for her way because they make so much more than her.

 

Knowing she is self-centered and the above reasons, I am fairly certain she lost her feelings for me because she realized I wasn't going to pay for everything all the time. I think THAT is the reason she was so upset when she broke up with. She wouldn't admit it but it was MONEY that made her feel less interested in me and she knew what a great guy I am but couldn't help but feel bad about breaking up someone over for a reason such as money.

[Capricorn3]

To be honest (and maybe a little blunt), I think you are way overthinking and overanalyzing, especially for having dated only 3 months. The "relationship" hardly had time to get off the ground so to speak, and now your imagination is running riot just because of some or other comment etc.

 

She probably broke up for completely unrelated reasons and it just wasn't working for her (imo).

[keith515]

When she brought up these 4 incidents for causing her feelings to change here was my response:

 

1)I didn't pay for breakfast. Me: It was your idea.

 

2) she paid for the liquor. Me: I didn't ask you to buy the liquor. I would have bought it on the way to the party.

 

3)I asked about the money for the chairs. Me: You told me yesterday to remind you to go to the bank.

 

4. She paid for the babysitter. Me: I gave you $20. Her: Oh, yea, but still.

 

The point is that was the day her feelings began to change every incident had to do with money. The next week she broke up with me.

 

The very week we had the discussion of money and everything was fine. But I think it was because I paid for everything.

[Capricorn3]

Seriously dude, let it go already. It's over. If she was that bad, then be glad it was only 3 months and you didn't invest anymore time.

[petite]

I think you're over analyzing it and also putting too much emphasis on the money. Who ears more or less shouldn't really be an issue. We're all different, but since she has a child I think the extra money she earns goes towards him also. I don't see why you need to pay for her babysitter, if she decided to go out let her pay for it. I do however think you shouldn't worry so much about money or who paid for a coffee. However, If you want to be equal then the next relationship you have make sure you let the girl know everything is 50/50 to the tee. In fact she can pay for herself and you pay for yourself, since it's overly important to you.

[DN]

I think you are right that it was because of the money and I also believe you are well rid of her. She sounds like one of these people with the mindselt "what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own".

[waveseer]

You told her she made more than you, but not how much more. Maybe she thought you were wealthier than her if she has a dependent and you don't.

[FootofGod]

If you're right and she's this petty, you should be glad it's over. Either way, all you can do is move in - it's seriously just the best solution no matter what the reason. That's why reasons are overrated - if there's ever an opportunity in the future, all will be revealed. Otherwise, what would even be the value of knowing? It would just make you think you could change things, and we all know none of us can. It's up to them to look at the decisions they made and decide they have made a mistake.

[Ms Darcy]

To be honest (and maybe a little blunt), I think you are way overthinking and overanalyzing, especially for having dated only 3 months. The "relationship" hardly had time to get off the ground so to speak, and now your imagination is running riot just because of some or other comment etc.

 

She probably broke up for completely unrelated reasons and it just wasn't working for her (imo).

 

I tend to agree with this. I think you are spending a lot of time trying to determine what's 'wrong' with her for wanting out of a short relationship. That might not be the most helpful thing for you to do.

[abitbroken]

I don't think its about your income, but perhaps because you felt inadequate about the salary disparity, it was much bigger in your mind or you are projecting that.

 

We don't know everything else about this relationship to say. But, I do think it was a faux pas to remind her about the money for the chairs. When you do something like that, don't expect it back, but heartily thank her when she does. if you were further along in the relationship - it would be more appropriate to tell her to pay you from the business account when she had the chance.

 

Also, even if someone says "you don't have to pay for my son and I", tell them "no, that's okay, I don't mind" or at least make an ATTEMPT to fight for the bill. If she protests, then put up half. especially in front of the child if you are meeting them for the first time.

 

I will say what i find bigger than money is the way you write it, it seems to be a titfor tat. About the wine, you said "i didn't ask her to do that" so you didn't count it as a contribution on her part or just think "oh, she didn't have to but it was very nice of her!". It seems only things that you expect her to do count, rather than things that she does that she doesn't have to.

 

So going forward into the next relationship, keep that in mind. Its not a scoreboard. But if that's just your nature to think of things that way, then make sure you find someone who is either also keeping score or is more predictable. I don't mean that in a snarky way - but just let things go with the flow.

[DN]

We don't know everything else about this relationship to say. But, I do think it was a faux pas to remind her about the money for the chairs. When you do something like that, don't expect it back, but heartily thank her when she does. if you were further along in the relationship - it would be more appropriate to tell her to pay you from the business account when she had the chance.

 

Sorry but I strongly disagree with this. Why should he not have asked for the money back? - it was a loan not a gift and was very clearly money she agreed to reimburse. There is no reason on earth why he should have to subsidise her business and let her take advanage of him like that. Clearly this woman was out to take what she could from him and that is entirely wrong even if he earned more than she - men are not walking wallets for women like this to use to pay their bills.

[FootofGod]

Sorry but I strongly disagree with this. Why should he not have asked for the money back? - it was a loan not a gift and was very clearly money she agreed to reimburse. There is no reason on earth why he should have to subsidise her business and let her take advanage of him like that. Clearly this woman was out to take what she could from him and that is entirely wrong even if he earned more than she - men are not walking wallets for women like this to use to pay their bills.

 

Either way, we're talking about ridiculously small sums of money. For this to be a factor at all requires either other things to be present or a really heartless, money-frenzied person.

[wayoverit]

I agree with FootofGod, the amount is petty and it is exactly the petty amount of money that will bring immense judgement on a character. I think the OP blew it when he reminded her of the $40. My advice for OP is to set aside a free spending fund ($300 month) and let your next girlfriend know of it. Sure it's embarrassing but it sure beats harboring negative feelings everytime you go out for a meal.

[FootofGod]

I mean, I've *lost* more money than this on more than one occasion and just gone "oops," and I am very not well off when it comes to money. To pretend this is an actual reason for a breakup is ludicrous, and if it really was, she has some serious issues. This is one of those "straw breaking the camel's back" things, it seems.

[HereIGoAgain]

I think you are right that it was because of the money and I also believe you are well rid of her. She sounds like one of these people with the mindselt "what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own".

 

This sadly rings true with me where my ex actually used to say this, more or less, to me in the form, "what's yours is mine and what is mine is mine". In my case, my ex was already pricing up my possessions in terms of pairs of shoes she could buy with the proceeds when I sell them in order to move in together.

 

As others have said, there are people like this who see you as a resource or a means to an end, not something to love. You will be better off without them in time.

[Honey Pumpkin]

How do you know it's about the money? I'm really puzzled - she didn't say it was, did she? After three months, she didn't want a relationship, it happens. I think you might be projecting to be totally honest, about your own feelings.

[blossom88]

Its hard to say why your relationship did not work out. You are certainly allowed to speculate but do not let it get out of hand. It seems that the way you both view money is different so I guess the good thing is you can find some one who has the same money spending ideals as you. Perhaps decide to go 50 50 as mentioned earlier a future relationship to avoid misunderstandings.

[DN]

People who are stingy and mean about small amounts of money - especially taking it from other people - are likely to be even worse about larger sums. The fact remains that she borrowed money for furniture for her business and then balked at paying it back and that is very indicative of her thinking.

 

Even if that were not the reason she broke up with the OP it would be a good reason for him to break up with her because people who start out like that will continue like that.

 

Any woman who views men as people who should pay more while dating or even give them money should be avoided - leeches are not attractive.

[keith515]

 

 

I will say what i find bigger than money is the way you write it, it seems to be a titfor tat. About the wine, you said "i didn't ask her to do that" so you didn't count it as a contribution on her part or just think "oh, she didn't have to but it was very nice of her!". It seems only things that you expect her to do count, rather than things that she does that she doesn't have to.

 

 

I wrote about the liquor because this was one of the "incidents" she cited as one of her reasons to feel different towards me. It was HER reason. She brought it up. She was upset because SHE bought the liquor. How can you be upset with someone when it was something you did by your own choice?

 

I am not joking. When she was bringing up the "incidents" she said "I bought the liquor for the party." I responded, "I didn't ask you to do that so how can you be upset with me for doing something you did on your own?"

 

I didn't expect her to buy the liquor and I was planning on buying it on the way to the party.

[keith515]

How do you know it's about the money? I'm really puzzled - she didn't say it was, did she? After three months, she didn't want a relationship, it happens. I think you might be projecting to be totally honest, about your own feelings.

 

The night we had the talk before we broke up she brought up the 4 incidents:

 

1) she paid for breakfast

2) she paid for the babysitter

3) she bought the liquor

4) i reminder her if she went to the bank for the cash

 

There were HER reasons as to why she started feeling differently towards me. It all happened on the day she said she started feeling different towards me.

ALL of them have to do with money. Clearly, if I had paid for everything, nothing would have changed.

 

She said everything was fine until that day.

 

Also, if you have read some of my previous threads, you know I got the feeling the reason she broke up with me because she couldn't handle someone treating her so well. Her last words were "I wish I felt the same way towards you" with tears in her eyes. BUT, that explanation didn't "fit" with the reasons she cited as the day her feelings changed. A week later after these "incidents" she broke up with me.

 

Maybe it's both. She was overwhelmed with the attention I gave her and that day was the "straw that broke the camel's back."

[Honey Pumpkin]

Well, I suppose it was your friends' party, and yet she bought the wine and organised the babysitter, and at breakfast you expected her to pay for her son and for you as well. Maybe she thought that you were a bit of a freeloader? I don't know. Or maybe you reminded her about the bank when she was nowhere near a bank and was about to go out?

 

Anyway, I've been out with a mean person, and it's the most horrible thing. I also strongly dislike people who keep a mental account of money in/money out - I tend to be very generous, and like that feature in other people. Keeping count sits badly with me.

 

I don't know her reasons, and I think that it could be read a slightly different way. However, you are better off out of this relationship - a lot of relationships end after three months, because they either get more serious or they don't. In this case, for whatever reason, she decided to end it. You can tell yourself it's about the money if that makes it easier - it might have been, it might have been about other things.

 

Good luck with the next girl!

[DN]

I think people are missing this:

She drove out to spend the weekend with me (this was only the 2nd time in 2 months she came over). She suggested we go out on Friday night. I said "good idea" and I paid for dinner and drinks. Then we went to 2 other bars and I paid for that as well. The next day we ordered take out and I paid for that. We went the mall and she bought me a coffee and a cookie. I didn't say or think anything much about it since she made the trip over to my place (about 20 miles plus tolls).

 

and this:

In the previous day I brought $40 worth of chairs that she was going to reimburse me for her business. She told me to remind her to go the bank. The next day I did when she came back from picking up the babysitter and she seemed to get irritated about that.

[keith515]

Thank you DN because people are missing the point. I am going to summarize below:

 

We had been going out for about 3 months and whenever we went out (about 2-4 times a week) I paid for us 90% of the time. For example) on the trip we went with our friend I spent about $500 and she spent $100. I didn't complain or feel bad about doing it at all.

 

BUT, when I found out she was making $15,000 more than me, yes, I admit it, I felt funny spending my money the majority of the time, I was going broke. I did feel she should contribute a little more. In addition to me paying for us, I was the one driving out to see her 5 days a week (a 20 mile trip plus tolls). Like I said before, she drove out to my place 2 times in 2 months. If I'm wrong, OK, I'll admit it because I want to better myself for the next relationship.

 

And, then one day, we go out for breakfast at her suggestion and I don't offer to pay, her feelings changed and it just steamrolled from there. I asked if she went to the bank (which she told me to remind her the day before) and she got irritated.

 

I believe, knowing who she is (I have been told repeatedly that she is self-centered and selfish), that the one day I didn't offer to pay she felt I WAS NOT going to pay for everything all the time anymore. She didn't want it 50/50, or even 60/40, she wanted it like it was before with me paying for us the majority of the time. Her friend also told me that my ex expects the friend and her husband to pay for her when they go out because they make more than her. And knowing that, erases ALL desire to want to be with her.

[DN]

I have said this on other threads when similar issues have come up. In the early stages of dating it is irrelevant who earns more. Both people should be contributing more or less equally providing the person earning more isn't expecting the other to expend more than they can afford on expensive places. Once a relationship is established, then a different method can be worked out. But for one person to expect the other to pay more, especially based on outdated gender roles is absurd and unfair.

 

It is much better that you found this out sooner rather than later - and even if she didn't break up with you for that reason her behaviour was still what it was.

[lavenderdove]

Some people look at relationships as a way to leverage their finances. They look for someone with money because they want to live a certain way, and not do the work/effort themselves to earn the money to get what they want for themselves. They'd rather let someone else bear that burden.

 

She's looking for a sugar daddy, not a partner. There are plenty of people out there like this (male and female) who specifically look for someone with money because they are lazy and don't want to work, or are very materialistic and want lots of nice things that they can't afford on their own.

 

Bottom line is you're better off without her. Most people who end up with money grubbers/freeloaders are very unhappy when they realize their prime role is to provide money to the other person, and that they've married a depdendent or leech, not a partner.