43 Good Reasons for Going NC!

[The_Seeker]

#44 - You want space? I can give you so much F'n space you'll think you're an astronaut.

 

#1 - You're talking to someone who doesn't want to talk to you. You're trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Stop. Your new attitude is, "Don't do me any favors. Don't let me burden you with gifts you don't want."

 

The laws of supply and demand are universal, and they apply to both of you. People take you for granted like cheap gasoline. When you can get it anytime, you're not worried about it. When there's a shortage, people will wait in line and pay whatever you ask.

 

LOL Gullible! Love your response for rule #44.

 

I'm saving all these 43 reasons on Word Document. Really good advices! Wish I had these 2 months ago.

 

I'm 3/4 on the way of being healed. Just trying to ignore the memories and dreams of him is tough.

[4dogs]

My problem is how do I show a positive change in my behavior, looks, life, etc when we arent in contact? Are we just to assume that the dumper will contact us eventually?

[CrapAtNC]

They simply sense it. Plus, when you have reached that point, you won't be worrying so much about how and when that will happen anyway. Wait and see.

[J-L-T]

Good read.

[4dogs]

I feel that most people really need to read this thread. Any contact from you will just push your ex away in almost all cases. Either that, or it will make the time for when you ex does contact you a little farther away. Its just not a good idea. Wait but dont want. My only problem is the concern that she may not get in touch with me...but I think thats a stupid fear.

 

Be productive with your time away from each other...assess the situation with your head not your heart and make positive changes for yourself. This will only help your chances.

[CrapAtNC]

Whether securing a business deal, negotiating a contract, or rebuilding a relationship, if you enter talks in a desperate state of mind you will get badly stung. You have to remove all anxiety about the income or you will blow it. The biggest lesson that most people here need to learn is that the best tools and methods in the world are useless--nay, dangerous--in the hands of someone who just isn't yet ready to use them.

 

You MUST take time to lose your neediness, your desperation, your clinginess, your constant questioning, your stress about what they may be doing or thinking. All the time you are trying not to fall, you will be preparing to fall. Only when you are ONLY focused on a happy ending for YOU and for your ex will you be in the right state of mind to work on reconciliation.

 

So, if you need to ask a question about what you should be doing next to get your ex back, then you are simply not ready and will certainly blow it. Accept this, and all will be fine for you and your ex.

 

To take control of the situation, you must first take control of you and your own state of mind.

 

 

Crap

[deecbee]

This thread has been buried for a bit, but I just read it and there's a lot of good stuff in here.

 

Question (for anyone who can answer):

 

Why do you think contacting the ex only pushes them further away? Even if it has been a few months and the initial shock and hurt of the breakup has worn off? I'm not disputing that it pushes the other person away, in fact I have witnessed first-hand that it does, but WHY?

[CrapAtNC]

This thread has been buried for a bit, but I just read it and there's a lot of good stuff in here.

 

Question (for anyone who can answer):

 

Why do you think contacting the ex only pushes them further away? Even if it has been a few months and the initial shock and hurt of the breakup has worn off? I'm not disputing that it pushes the other person away, in fact I have witnessed first-hand that it does, but WHY?

 

If you have been badgering them too much, then obviously it'll just be seen as another unwelcome call.

 

But I think the main reason is that many people simply aren't able to handle communicating with their ex. Once you think you have reached a point where you can talk to your ex in a way that is good for both of you, then, in my opinion, break NC and say hi. Just be sure to leave all neediness, questioning, blame--all negative stuff--in your past where it belongs. The goal should be for you to adopt an infectious air of contentment and confidence throughout.

[deecbee]

If you have been badgering them too much, then obviously it'll just be seen as another unwelcome call.

 

But I think the main reason is that many people simply aren't able to handle communicating with their ex. Once you think you have reached a point where you can talk to your ex in a way that is good for both of you, then, in my opinion, break NC and say hi. Just be sure to leave all neediness, questioning, blame--all negative stuff--in your past where it belongs. The goal should be for you to adopt an infectious air of contentment and confidence throughout.

 

Good food for thought. Thanks.

[WomanWriter]

I am going to test this for my current situation:

 

[1] All the time we are available to them, seeking them out, or reassuring them of our feelings, we are pushing them further away.

 

--I don't know about that. The more my ex is around me, the more he shows an interest in me, it seems. The more responsive I am to him, the more he opens up and tells me his feelings. When I ignore him, he ignores me.

 

[2] We can all remember how previous exes finally showed interest again the very moment we really had let go, moved on, and started focusing on other things - even though we had made all the terrible, needy, insecure, desperate, and downright damaging moves early on after the break-up.

 

---Not necessarily! My ex fiance didn't show interest when I let go. In fact, my second ex (who was in love with me) started asking me to do stuff with him when I made reference to our past relationship. So in my cases, this is not true.

 

[3] Our exes almost always give us exactly the information we need to get them back, if that is at all possible: they tell us to move on; they tell us not to keep loving them; they tell us to forget them; they tell us to find someone new; they tell us to sort our lives out; they tell us to forget about ever getting back with them - these are all the actions you must take to find yourself after a break-up, and finding yourself and changing your focus away from your ex is what will ultimately bring them back, if that can happen.

 

--My last ex most definitely did not tell me to forget him or find someone new! In fact, he told me he misses me and wants me back too, but can't make a decision because of his trust issues about me. I don't see how going NC would prove to him that I'm consistent instead of wishy-washy. The more I express my feelings, the more he does the same. He does communicate what he wants---for me to continue to care about him. If he wanted me to let go, why would he keep bringing up memories, looking at me that special way, offering to fix my bike, and talking about our future?

 

[4] Almost every time we do contact them, we sooner or later regret it deeply, and that puts our self-development back a good few notches.

 

--Actually, I don't regret the times I talked to him because it clarified information that was not previously expressed. I don't regret any contact I had with my ex fiance, either. It gave me closure. If I hadn't had that contact over time, I would have probably been going crazy mentally because I'm obsessive and always think, "What if?"

 

[5] Holding on to the past is not healthy, and you need to be in the healthiest mind possible if your next relationship is to be one that works.

 

--The problem is that the person is still held onto whether they are present or not. I think about things that happened years ago whether I contact a person or not. It's a mental thing.

 

[6] Getting back with an ex when there is still some pain, some insecurity, some lack of confidence, some annoyance is surely a recipe for disaster. If you are to get back with your ex, it should be only once all the water has passed under the bridge so you truly can dive right in to a more refreshing relationship next time around. Let the baggage go before you go shopping again!

 

--I do agree with this, but if you just disappear, you can't talk things out or see the changes being made. I would suggest LC (but then, what do I know)

 

[7] How many times have you been frustrated trying to do something well or right only for it to get worse and worse the more you try or practice? How many times have you found that, by taking a short break from that task and focusing on other things, you were able to come back and do it considerably better?

 

--This is true. Taking a break refocuses your energy.

 

[8] You say you truly love and care about your ex and can't understand why they won't try again with you, but do you truly love them enough to let them go - to give them the space they need - when clearly that is what they want right now? Are you being there for them ... or are you actually being selfish and being there for you? Selfishness has no place in a healthy relationship.

 

--True, but sometimes it's not clear whether or not they want space...especially if they are trying to be friends with us. So if space is not what they are requesting, we are getting mixed messages and think we aren't being loving if we ignore them and that we'll sabotage our chances because we only want to be with them if we get romance, not friendship. That's kinda a turn off. I've had friends who "liked" me turn me off because they care more about lovey doviness than friendship. I want a partner who wants to be my friend first and foremost, so I wonder if by turning down friendship with the ex, we are saying we only want things on our terms?

 

[9] You are obviously a good person, one who believes in making efforts in relationships - so how about giving others a chance with you? Be open to sharing yourself at this point: go out on some dates and show the world just what a great person you are, and don't be so mean as to focus it all on one individual who really doesn't want it right now.

 

--It wouldn't be fair to lead someone on when our hearts are still getting over someone else. We're just using the poor new person as a rebound.

 

[10] Give the one you a love a challenge. We rarely appreciate what is handed to us on a plate, but we treasure - and desire far more - those things that we really had to work at. The fish that put up a fight and nearly got away is far more treasurable than the one who floated to the surface to be easily scooped into the net.

 

---What if the person is tired of working so hard, though? They have had enough challenges trynig to jump through hoops for you and now they are done. So if you really want them to trust you, you have to prove it.

 

[11] A refreshing break will help you get yourself back, but even better than before. Your ex was attracted to you once, and that was when you were yourself: you weren't needy, crowding them, desparate, crying, begging. If you are to get together with your ex, it must be as a totally new relationship, with you being the person they once fell in love with ... not the one they are currently pulling away from.

 

---This is true, but my ex also likes attention, so if I don't pay attention to him, he'll probably give up.

 

[12] By being there for your ex when he or she is clearly not being there for you, you are giving a very clear message that such behaviour will not just be tolerated, but actually rewarded. By showing your ex that you will always be around no matter how they behave or what they say, you are conditioning yourself to accept less than you deserve, and you are conditioning your ex to always be unthoughtful, heartless, selfish etc. in order to get your attention. That is not what you want for you, and it is not how you want to teach any loved ones to behave. NC enables you to nip such bad behaviours in the bud, before they become a destructive mode of loving and having relationships for both of you.

 

---Or you are giving them the impression that you are consistent and care about them beyond just what you can get out of them. Some of our exes want that reassurance if they are to date us again.

 

[13] Going NC is a great way to give yourself time and space to be the kind of person you want to be, to improve yourself by working out at the gym and reading a few good relationship books, so that you can make the maximum impression on whomever the next one will be.

 

---True.

 

[14] NC gives you the opportunity to look at yourself, your ex, and the relationship objectively and work out what you can do to be a better lover next time around ... and whether this really is a relationship you want to revive.

 

---True, but if the person is not around, you don't learn as much. I've learned a ton by having to face my ex in person from time to time. I keep learning new things.

 

[15] NOTHING you can say in your call, email, or other message can gain you more points than the million or so you will lose by not giving them the space that they - and you - so obviously need and deserve.

 

--Not true...lol...my ex said that if I would have told him how I felt last week, he would have gotten back together with me on the spot. But I waited and it may be too late!

 

[16] By sticking around, you are not allowing them to miss you, and realise just what they're missing. Go NC and your absence will make you much more conspicuous. Let him or her miss you.

 

---I have to agree with this...and yet at the same time, the more time I spend with my ex, the more i miss him and think he feels the same...because he is forced to think about me when he's with me. He must go home missing the time we used to spend together. When we're apart for a few weeks, he starts forgetting about the past...but when I'm spending time with him, he remembers.

 

[17] Going NC allows them time to forget all your bad points while you work on them.

 

--They forget the good parts too...and move on to someone else.

 

[18] Others will only value you if you value yourself, and going NC is a great way to show the world that you consider yourself to be priceless.

 

---Nc doesn't show anything much. I've been just as depressed all the weeks I haven't talked to my exes. I don't think it's anything special.

 

[19] By going NC, it's impossible for you to do or say anything wrong.

 

--It's also impossible to say anything right that might get them back...like I said...my ex said if I would have told him my feelings last week, he would have asked to get back together! But now he is working things out with the rebound. Ughhh

 

[20] If you have been very pushy and needy since the break-up, your ex will be totally surprised if you break contact, and that will at least make you interesting to them again. They will be expecting you to bother them, but you won't ... how mysterious!

 

--Maybe, or they could be like many others on this board who ask why their exes aren't contacting them and conclude "if she loved me, she'd be contacting me by now. How can she be so cold? Forget them!"

[21] Going NC puts you back in control.

 

[22] What you have been doing has not been working or you wouldn't be here. So try NC! See why 9 out of 10 ENAers recommend it!

 

---Well being in NC wasn't helping either. I was still obsessing over him every day and he wasn't trying to contact me.

 

[23] NC is the best way to end those patterns we get into that always bring about the same destructive result; it ensures a new trajectory for your relationship, which can only be better than the one you were on previously.

 

---Not necessarily.

 

[24] "I'm going NC" or "I'm in NC" has a cool, assertive sound to it! Seriously, though, it's an assertive action, which is probably something you've not been doing much of recently.

 

--Nc is not necessarily assertive if you're just doing it as a last resort or to prove something. Whenever you go after what you want is being assertive. Not going after what you want because you're afraid of the consequences isn't assertive.

 

[25] Think of someone you regard as having great relationships (all kinds: friends, lovers, family, etc.). He or she is probably very happy, and more than likely very attractive. Now, ask yourself what he or she would do in your situation. Beg, cry, 'be there for them', try to prove his or her love? I don't think so. Would he or she go NC? I'll leave you to answer that one.

 

---My ex actually got with me by being persistent. I rejected him at first because I was still getting over someone, but then he made the move and held my hand spontaneously, hung around me, and asked me out. He went after what he wanted. I was stunned...and i said YES. If he just accepted my NO, I would have moved on, but he continued to pursue me and changed my mind. And here I am 9 months later still getting over this guy! The tables have turned!

 

[26] Take a good look at the posts from people who got back with their ex. Notice a common theme that runs through all of them? That's right: their exes all came back after an extended period of NC.

 

---Wrong! None of my exes came back after NC! In fact no one I know got an ex back through NC.

 

[27] Going NC brings us in line with our exes instead of acting against them, because trying to get back with them is not what they want. Which is more likely to take you where you want to go? Leading a horse, or pushing head-first against it?

 

--Going NC tells them to not bother with us. My friend's ex just IM'd her today after a month of NC. She thought, "why did he wait so long to contact me? Forget him" and didn't respond. She figured if he was going to wait that long, she didn't care to bother with him.

 

[28] If you've been knocking on someone's door for way longer than you should, they won't open up until they're sure you've gone away.

 

--Yes, but if you don't knock at all, they will never answer.

 

[29] Would you really want to be with someone who gives in to pressure from crying, begging, gift-giving and manipulation, or would someone who is attracted to those who are calm, assertive, confident, and non-needy be more likely to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve? Then you need to be that calm, assertive, confident, non-needy person.

 

--It's worked for me if I really loved the person. Sometimes it just took me seeing how much they cared for me to open my eyes and let them in...because I had been insecure about their love before that.

 

[30] NC is easier to spell than any other alternative.

 

---Grasping at straws, eh?

 

[31] NC puts the ball in their court. If your next contact (and most thereafter) are initiated by your ex - that is, he or she comes to you - half the battle has been won. The ex's mindset is now on coming to you and not moving away. And coming to you will be his or her choice - very powerful stuff that!

 

--Sometimes the ex is tired of making all the moves. Mine were.

 

[32] Not enjoying the pain of the situation right now? NC is your bus ride away from it.

 

---The mind cannot escape itself no matter how busy you make yourself.

 

[33] Remember how new love always comes along when you're least expecting it - when you're not looking for it? And how we never meet Mr or Mrs Right when we're trying to? NC closes the door marked 'Expectation' and opens the one signed 'Opportunity'.

 

---Nc doesn't change your inner hopes and desires. You may still hold a flame for someone until you get closure. My friend is in a situation like that. She always hopes he'll come back crying to her so she refuses to get closure. If they would just talk and get closure, she could move on.

 

[34] You're trying desperately to hang on to something that's slipping away from you; better to let go now so you can get into a better position where (and when) you'll be able to catch and keep this time - or realise that there are other better catches out there. Let go so you can have what you want!

 

-I rather go after what I want to the fullest before I move on to something else. At least I can say I tried everything.

 

[35] Nothing can make them come back. So do nothing; nothing works! Go NC!

 

--Nothing can MAKE someone come back, but there is such a thing as winning friends and influencing people.

 

[36] Studies show that rebound relationships almost always fail, so, if you've just broken up with your ex, use NC to let time pass and wounds heal; if you jump right back into this relationship before you and your ex have recovered, you will be the rebound!

 

--Good point, unless they have the rebound and you are there for them when they realize they don't want thier rebound because she keeps making him think of you!

 

[37] Which sounds more attractive and desirable to you? "Please love me! Please love me! I need to be loved by you!" or "I'm happy just being me."?

 

--Depends how I feel about the person...lol...I'd be grossed out by the first choice if it was someone I didn't like and flattered if it was someone who I was hoping would come back to me.

 

[38] Often, you really have no other choice.

 

--If you've tried everything. But there is usually a way to do most things. Problem is, we don't know how.

 

[39] By going NC, we spare ourselves the pain of finding out bad news and the hurtful confusion that comes with trying to work out what their words meant.

 

---Oh, that's true! But we also know what's going on so we can make an informed decision.

 

[40] Stuck for the best way to respond to contact from the ex? Easy: say nothing. "I hate you and never want to see you again!"; best response = NC. "It's not you, it's me."; best response = NC. "Just wanted to see how you're doing."; best response = NC. "I will get a restraining order on you!!!"; best response is definitely NC!

 

--The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Say nothing and the person says "ok then...you force me to move on."

 

[41] If you stay in touch with them, there's the very real danger of becoming a safety net for them while they look into starting relationships with others. Go NC and you'll leave them hanging in mid-air wondering how they're going to survive without you.

 

---I do worry about this. I think it has to be intermittent contact, to be honest. You can't be there 24/7 or they get too comfortable. But if you're not there at all it's out of sight out of mind. Show up now and then and they'll be guessing.

 

[42] Focusing so much of our time, energy, emotion, and even money on getting our exes back means other areas of our lives are surely going to suffer. Going NC allows us to focus resources on achieving other things, and - you know what? - that makes us attractive.

 

--Yeah, but we still think about them anyway so it hardly makes a difference. I do stuff whether I contact my ex or not or I don't do stuff whether I contact him or not. It has more to do with if he's on my mind.

 

[43] Recent studies show that people who are able to practice delayed gratification are the most successful in life. You may desperately want to talk to your ex right now, but by not giving in to that immediate need and instead remaining in NC, you will be far more likely to get what you want in life. You can contact your ex, but you must do it after an extended period of NC.

 

---Heck, I have to agree with this, but I tend to be a procrastinator and have missed out on a lot in life by delaying a lot. Sometimes it's all about timing. If you see a chance, take it...don't wait! I should have spoken up a few times when I had windows of opportunities with my exes, but I chose to wait and respond at a later time. It's all about timing. Looking for windows of chance.

[CrapAtNC]

(44) NC keeps you away from the cause of your obsession. It's great for those who tend to overanalyze at great length and detail. ;-)

[shelbubbly]

great thread thanks shall be referring to this everytime i can feel myself wanting to contact hubby x

[mistrall]

#44 - You want space? I can give you so much F'n space you'll think you're an astronaut.

 

.

 

haha thats wiked!

[expert01]

BUMP

 

this is for all the people like me who are struggling with no contact

[okane24]

Bump

 

I'm struggling right now and had to re-read this.

 

Super helpful.

 

Thanks Crap.

[perio]

Im sorry your struggling. I have better days than some but am determined to hold out at least 2 months. I plan on simply letting her know that her families wellbeing is i my thoughts over the holidays.

[deecbee]

Bump! I had to read this again too.

[LapointeP]

I have gone back and forth on this but I finally realized I need to go no contact for a bit and give myself some space. It is all about me for a bit. I need to move on and talking to him makes me want to see him and talk to him about everything. We need to move past what happened and start anew when the time is right...for now it's gonna be apart and probably forever...

[PrettyGood]

Wow, those are very powerful advices And I found them at the same moment while surfing for the NC answer "Now not to connect him if I want to do it so much!" I even had an excuse for myself and a thoughful message for him. Thank's GOD I didn't send it.

[UpsideDwn]

I too am struggling with to or not to contact. We didn't really break up -- he just said he wants to go back to "just dating" that he doesn't want to have to be committed to seeing each other at any specific time -- basically, if I want to see him, call him and if he wants to see me, call me. But we've been in a very serious relationship for 1 1/2 years, so I don't see how I can do that -- I want to see him weekly, not just now and then, so I told him I have to go on. I did tell him to call me if he decided he missed us and wanted to start a new, committed, normal relationship. He's text me every day since and I've been brief and light with my responses...I'm so scared I am pushing him away. I do not want to loose him, but I don't want to be casual either. I'm totally loosing it today over this...I so want to call him and talk to him. It's been a week since we've seen each other.

[faithful14]

needed this today. thank you.

[fullofregret]

'Crap' as he seems to be fondly known posted this on one of my posts. I thought it deserved bumping, it def helps when you're having a weak moment!

 

Thank you v much x

[carrie8484]

this post is really good, thank you, Crap, for making it so clear why NC is important for us broken hearted ones

[BONO]

A different spin and view on things - still a LC or a decent amount of NC is required.

[CrapAtNC]

[44] NC prevents you obsessing over the details for the sake of argument.