43 Good Reasons for Going NC!

[CrapAtNC]

I originally started this thread here and have been adding items to the list as I think of them, but we're no longer able to edit our posts. An interesting study inspired the latest entry, so I'm starting a new thread so I can add it. I really hope this helps some of you.

 

For those, like me, who have difficulty maintaining NC, there are a couple of things to bear in mind:

 

[1] All the time we are available to them, seeking them out, or reassuring them of our feelings, we are pushing them further away.

 

[2] We can all remember how previous exes finally showed interest again the very moment we really had let go, moved on, and started focusing on other things - even though we had made all the terrible, needy, insecure, desperate, and downright damaging moves early on after the break-up.

 

[3] Our exes almost always give us exactly the information we need to get them back, if that is at all possible: they tell us to move on; they tell us not to keep loving them; they tell us to forget them; they tell us to find someone new; they tell us to sort our lives out; they tell us to forget about ever getting back with them - these are all the actions you must take to find yourself after a break-up, and finding yourself and changing your focus away from your ex is what will ultimately bring them back, if that can happen.

 

[4] Almost every time we do contact them, we sooner or later regret it deeply, and that puts our self-development back a good few notches.

 

[5] Holding on to the past is not healthy, and you need to be in the healthiest mind possible if your next relationship is to be one that works.

 

[6] Getting back with an ex when there is still some pain, some insecurity, some lack of confidence, some annoyance is surely a recipe for disaster. If you are to get back with your ex, it should be only once all the water has passed under the bridge so you truly can dive right in to a more refreshing relationship next time around. Let the baggage go before you go shopping again!

 

[7] How many times have you been frustrated trying to do something well or right only for it to get worse and worse the more you try or practice? How many times have you found that, by taking a short break from that task and focusing on other things, you were able to come back and do it considerably better?

 

[8] You say you truly love and care about your ex and can't understand why they won't try again with you, but do you truly love them enough to let them go - to give them the space they need - when clearly that is what they want right now? Are you being there for them ... or are you actually being selfish and being there for you? Selfishness has no place in a healthy relationship.

 

[9] You are obviously a good person, one who believes in making efforts in relationships - so how about giving others a chance with you? Be open to sharing yourself at this point: go out on some dates and show the world just what a great person you are, and don't be so mean as to focus it all on one individual who really doesn't want it right now.

 

[10] Give the one you a love a challenge. We rarely appreciate what is handed to us on a plate, but we treasure - and desire far more - those things that we really had to work at. The fish that put up a fight and nearly got away is far more treasurable than the one who floated to the surface to be easily scooped into the net.

 

[11] A refreshing break will help you get yourself back, but even better than before. Your ex was attracted to you once, and that was when you were yourself: you weren't needy, crowding them, desparate, crying, begging. If you are to get together with your ex, it must be as a totally new relationship, with you being the person they once fell in love with ... not the one they are currently pulling away from.

 

[12] By being there for your ex when he or she is clearly not being there for you, you are giving a very clear message that such behaviour will not just be tolerated, but actually rewarded. By showing your ex that you will always be around no matter how they behave or what they say, you are conditioning yourself to accept less than you deserve, and you are conditioning your ex to always be unthoughtful, heartless, selfish etc. in order to get your attention. That is not what you want for you, and it is not how you want to teach any loved ones to behave. NC enables you to nip such bad behaviours in the bud, before they become a destructive mode of loving and having relationships for both of you.

 

[13] Going NC is a great way to give yourself time and space to be the kind of person you want to be, to improve yourself by working out at the gym and reading a few good relationship books, so that you can make the maximum impression on whomever the next one will be.

 

[14] NC gives you the opportunity to look at yourself, your ex, and the relationship objectively and work out what you can do to be a better lover next time around ... and whether this really is a relationship you want to revive.

 

[15] NOTHING you can say in your call, email, or other message can gain you more points than the million or so you will lose by not giving them the space that they - and you - so obviously need and deserve.

 

[16] By sticking around, you are not allowing them to miss you, and realise just what they're missing. Go NC and your absence will make you much more conspicuous. Let him or her miss you.

 

[17] Going NC allows them time to forget all your bad points while you work on them.

 

[18] Others will only value you if you value yourself, and going NC is a great way to show the world that you consider yourself to be priceless.

 

[19] By going NC, it's impossible for you to do or say anything wrong.

 

[20] If you have been very pushy and needy since the break-up, your ex will be totally surprised if you break contact, and that will at least make you interesting to them again. They will be expecting you to bother them, but you won't ... how mysterious!

 

[21] Going NC puts you back in control.

 

[22] What you have been doing has not been working or you wouldn't be here. So try NC! See why 9 out of 10 ENAers recommend it!

 

[23] NC is the best way to end those patterns we get into that always bring about the same destructive result; it ensures a new trajectory for your relationship, which can only be better than the one you were on previously.

 

[24] "I'm going NC" or "I'm in NC" has a cool, assertive sound to it! Seriously, though, it's an assertive action, which is probably something you've not been doing much of recently.

 

[25] Think of someone you regard as having great relationships (all kinds: friends, lovers, family, etc.). He or she is probably very happy, and more than likely very attractive. Now, ask yourself what he or she would do in your situation. Beg, cry, 'be there for them', try to prove his or her love? I don't think so. Would he or she go NC? I'll leave you to answer that one.

 

[26] Take a good look at the posts from people who got back with their ex. Notice a common theme that runs through all of them? That's right: their exes all came back after an extended period of NC.

 

[27] Going NC brings us in line with our exes instead of acting against them, because trying to get back with them is not what they want. Which is more likely to take you where you want to go? Leading a horse, or pushing head-first against it?

 

[28] If you've been knocking on someone's door for way longer than you should, they won't open up until they're sure you've gone away.

 

[29] Would you really want to be with someone who gives in to pressure from crying, begging, gift-giving and manipulation, or would someone who is attracted to those who are calm, assertive, confident, and non-needy be more likely to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve? Then you need to be that calm, assertive, confident, non-needy person.

 

[30] NC is easier to spell than any other alternative.

 

[31] NC puts the ball in their court. If your next contact (and most thereafter) are initiated by your ex - that is, he or she comes to you - half the battle has been won. The ex's mindset is now on coming to you and not moving away. And coming to you will be his or her choice - very powerful stuff that!

 

[32] Not enjoying the pain of the situation right now? NC is your bus ride away from it.

 

[33] Remember how new love always comes along when you're least expecting it - when you're not looking for it? And how we never meet Mr or Mrs Right when we're trying to? NC closes the door marked 'Expectation' and opens the one signed 'Opportunity'.

 

[34] You're trying desperately to hang on to something that's slipping away from you; better to let go now so you can get into a better position where (and when) you'll be able to catch and keep this time - or realise that there are other better catches out there. Let go so you can have what you want!

 

[35] Nothing can make them come back. So do nothing; nothing works! Go NC!

 

[36] Studies show that rebound relationships almost always fail, so, if you've just broken up with your ex, use NC to let time pass and wounds heal; if you jump right back into this relationship before you and your ex have recovered, you will be the rebound!

 

[37] Which sounds more attractive and desirable to you? "Please love me! Please love me! I need to be loved by you!" or "I'm happy just being me."?

 

[38] Often, you really have no other choice.

 

[39] By going NC, we spare ourselves the pain of finding out bad news and the hurtful confusion that comes with trying to work out what their words meant.

 

[40] Stuck for the best way to respond to contact from the ex? Easy: say nothing. "I hate you and never want to see you again!"; best response = NC. "It's not you, it's me."; best response = NC. "Just wanted to see how you're doing."; best response = NC. "I will get a restraining order on you!!!"; best response is definitely NC!

 

[41] If you stay in touch with them, there's the very real danger of becoming a safety net for them while they look into starting relationships with others. Go NC and you'll leave them hanging in mid-air wondering how they're going to survive without you.

 

[42] Focusing so much of our time, energy, emotion, and even money on getting our exes back means other areas of our lives are surely going to suffer. Going NC allows us to focus resources on achieving other things, and - you know what? - that makes us attractive.

 

[43] Recent studies show that people who are able to practice delayed gratification are the most successful in life. You may desperately want to talk to your ex right now, but by not giving in to that immediate need and instead remaining in NC, you will be far more likely to get what you want in life. You can contact your ex, but you must do it after an extended period of NC.

 

These are just some of the thoughts that have been coming to mind after breaking up with my much loved ex. I'm probably worse at NC than anybody here, but I am certain I can do a lot better if I keep referring back to these points. I hope they help you too. I'll add more as I think of them.

 

For me, NC means not contacting them, and it means ignoring any words or behaviours that you do not want to encourage, but it also means replying nicely, calmly, confidently, without neediness or desperation, and briefly to any messages or behaviours that you would like to encourage from your ex ... or others that you may later choose to have a relationship with. But it means not in any way trying or accepting reconciliation until at least 30 days - preferably far more - have passed and you are able to look at the whole situation objectively and without obstructive emotion.

 

Hang in there all!

[pumpkinmoon]

Good points in theory but this post focussing far too much importance on doing NC to get an ex back.

 

I will NEVER take someone back who breaks up with me again.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Very nice post. You should try to add 7 more items to the list...this way you can have "50 Reasons to Go NC" and send it to Paul Simon so that he could write a rhyming song for it!

[CrapAtNC]

What's important is getting people to go NC. We all have our different motivations. Some will do it to get over an ex. Some cannot do it because they want their ex so badly. The ideas appeal to all, I hope you'll agree.

 

Anyway, this is the Getting Back Together forum.

[pumpkinmoon]

What's important is getting people to go NC. We all have our different motivations. Some will do it to get over an ex. Some cannot do it because they want their ex so badly. The ideas appeal to all, I hope you'll agree.

 

Anyway, this is the Getting Back Together forum.

 

Ah yes I see your point. Maybe it's because I am a break up veteran that makes me skeptical lol

[Gullible]

#44 - You want space? I can give you so much F'n space you'll think you're an astronaut.

 

#1 - You're talking to someone who doesn't want to talk to you. You're trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Stop. Your new attitude is, "Don't do me any favors. Don't let me burden you with gifts you don't want."

 

The laws of supply and demand are universal, and they apply to both of you. People take you for granted like cheap gasoline. When you can get it anytime, you're not worried about it. When there's a shortage, people will wait in line and pay whatever you ask.

[Gullible]

Very nice post. You should try to add 7 more items to the list...this way you can have "50 Reasons to Go NC" and send it to Paul Simon so that he could write a rhyming song for it!

 

 

He only listed 5 or 6 in that song anyway. Typical ripoff.

[CrapAtNC]

Hey, yeah, please do provide suggestions for the list. When we have seven good ones, I'll ask admin if they can add them to the original post.

[jenna-is-here]

Great list. Thanks for posting. I will refer back to this often.

[fr0z3n]

good post though I only scan read it... but there's still some points in there about getting the ex back or the ex contacting you or your ex's impression towards your NC, I think you should remove all of that... If you'll be doing NC, don't think anything about the ex because the ex is out of your life (or getting the ex out of your life) thats why you are doing NC... Thinking about the ex (if the ex will contact you again, if ex will come back, what will ex think/feel if your not contacting them) will just give you expectations and if those expectations will not be met then it will turn into why and what if (why ex didnt contact me? what if this is the thing i did? etc...)

[MalibuOne]

Here's one...

 

You cant control what your ex will or wont do. Going NC gives you something to focus on that IS within your control.

[confused2010]

Great post! Regardless if it concentrates on NC to try to get your ex back, it's thought provoaking and that's what we all need something. I virtual slap in the face!

 

Lol @ astrounant comment!

[Live-N-Learn]

I will NEVER take someone back who breaks up with me again.

 

Why would you never take someone back who breaks up with you? Just curious.

[Live-N-Learn]

Here are a few.

 

Don't hold onto that which has already ended.

 

Let go the past is dead

[confused2010]

Here are a few.

 

Don't hold onto that which has already ended.

 

Let go the past is dead

 

Might be a bit morbid, but I really like the idea of thinking of the relationship as a "dead person,". Good symbolism. Can't get somone that's dead back, can only appreciate all the good things they did, learn from their mistakes and move on.

[CrapAtNC]

Whatever your reasons, NC will help you get yourself back, help make you stronger, and actually help make you more attractive because you are letting go of neediness; what you do once you are in such a powerful position is up to you.

[pumpkinmoon]

Why would you never take someone back who breaks up with you? Just curious.

 

Because if they can break up with you once they can do it again. I personally could not break up with someone who I truly loved and wanted to be with. From now on, one chance is all they're gonna get.

[DarkStorm]

after a month without my ex, (spending every weekend with her). ive been making all the changes i need to to win her back she admits that our time together since the breakup has been "perfect, best ever, etc etc". and yet im still without her i will give this nc a go, my fear tho is will the nc mean easier to forget about?.

[Live-N-Learn]

Because if they can break up with you once they can do it again. I personally could not break up with someone who I truly loved and wanted to be with. From now on, one chance is all they're gonna get.

 

I hear what you are saying. I think it really depends on so many different factors. Sometimes the dumpee does not value the the op as they should and only realizes it after they bu with them. The dumper may have felt they had no other choice and decided to leave. On the other hand they could have talked to the dumpee and told them how they were feeling before checking out.

 

So I do not think it is as simple as saying I could not break up with someone I love in some cases.

[pumpkinmoon]

I hear what you are saying. I think it really depends on so many different factors. Sometimes the dumpee does not value the the op as they should and only realizes it after they bu with them. The dumper may have felt they had no other choice and decided to leave. On the other hand they could have talked to the dumpee and told them how they were feeling before checking out.

 

So I do not think it is as simple as saying I could not break up with someone I love in some cases.

 

Definitely see what you are saying. My case is different of course. But yes, if the dumpee was causing it to fail and realised their mistakes then that's great, but in that case, it would be the dumper taking them back, not the other way around.

 

In my case, I did all I could for him. He messed me about so much. Ended it, wanted me back, ended it, wanted me back. That is why I say never again.

[CrapAtNC]

after a month without my ex, (spending every weekend with her). ive been making all the changes i need to to win her back she admits that our time together since the breakup has been "perfect, best ever, etc etc". and yet im still without her i will give this nc a go, my fear tho is will the nc mean easier to forget about?.

 

What will make the biggest difference with NC is not whether they forget you (they won't) but on whether you show fearlessness.

 

Fear brings about clinginess; throwing caution to the wind and just letting go is cool--damned cool!

 

NC is for you, not for your ex or your relationship, but hear this: your fearing losing your ex is not attractive to her; what's bloody attractive is showing that, yeah, maybe you want her, but you don't need her. Show you can be happy with or without her and that's what will most likely end up giving you that choice.

[Belle]

Because if they can break up with you once they can do it again. I personally could not break up with someone who I truly loved and wanted to be with. From now on, one chance is all they're gonna get.

 

Not always true, but mostly. I have seem many reconciliations, but I've seen far more real breakups than not.

[bwhite00]

Great post. Awesome insight. My problem is, as soon as I initiate NC she contacts me!

 

Now I've made it clear that I want a fresh start, so I assume anything from her NOT on this topic needs to be disregarded completely.

 

She's made it clear she's trying and needs 'time' (it's been s little under 2 months) but I let her know I can't do this alone and each time I get rejected (which has been less and less) it hurts worse and worse.

[CrapAtNC]

I'm not a big fan of the ultimatum approach; that is, only responding when they give in to your demands. I don't see how a healthy relationship can grow from such a start.

 

I would, however, reward more the kind of behaviour you want to see more of and ignore what you don't. So, if she's friendly and warm, respond with a smile (and then get back to what you were doing). If she initiates something you don't like, such as trying to get you to argue about something, dismiss is calmly and assertively (I usually just respond with something like "You'll survive" and then change the subject to something more positive or walk away).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm not a big fan of the ultimatum approach; that is, only responding when they give in to your demands. I don't see how a healthy relationship can grow from such a start.

 

I would, however, reward more the kind of behaviour you want to see more of and ignore what you don't. So, if she's friendly and warm, respond with a smile (and then get back to what you were doing). If she initiates something you don't like, such as trying to get you to argue about something, dismiss is calmly and assertively (I usually just respond with something like "You'll survive" and then change the subject to something more positive or walk away).

 

So, if she's friendly and warm, respond with a cookie and a pat on the head

 

If she initiates something you don't like, such as trying to get you to argue about something, dismiss is calmly and assertively (I usually just respond with something like "Bad Girl" and then walk away.

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist Reminded me of how I react to my dog!