cold feet??

[dundermiflin]

My boyfriend of 7 months asked me to marry him a few days ago. I think he's an amazing guy and I'm lucky to have found him, but I'm scared that I don't have that head-over-heels feeling for him. I told him it was a little soon for me since we had only just met 7 months ago.

 

I've been through quite a few relationships and I know the odds of finding someone like him are low. If I tell him that I'm nervous, he might back away from me or be hurt enough that I'll lose him for good.

 

A major thing- he has kids (50% custody) and his apartment lease is up in just a few months. We are starting to gear up to get my house ready for them all to move in- that includes a major investment of time and money on both sides to make rooms for them. I love the kids, and if it doesn't work out between us it will hurt them too and they would all have to move out. They already picked out what colors their rooms will be.

 

Even though we are not engaged and he isn't pressuring me about it, I feel like we almost have to be at that point because of the kids' situation. Having doubts after they move in would be hard on everybody.

 

Also... I have kind of a crush on a guy a work. Don't get me wrong- he's not a good match for me and I'd never act on it. It's just that it bothers me that I even have this crush- why can't I feel this way about my bf? I just wish I felt more strongly about him. I've told him I loved him and meant it... but "in love"- I'm not totally sure. I don't want to have crushes and doubts when I'm at a point where I'm engaged to someone. Is this an indication that he isn't the right one for me? I look at him sometimes and I know I am lucky; he's really special. Is that enough? I don't want to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I don't want to force myself into marriage. I am so stuck

 

[JusticeLaw9]

That's a hell of a decision to have to make and it seems right now that you're having to do that under a lot of pressure. I wouldn't force it, though. Seven months is not a very long time to date to consider marriage. Nevertheless, you seem to already be on that plateau right now. By letting him and the kids pickout room colors, allowing them to move in and so forth you really have backed yourself against the wall. Worst of it all is that you're not sure about all of this.

[Capricorn3]

To be honest, I think you are being extremely wise here. I think getting married after only 7 months is way too soon too, but even worse than that and far more worrying (to me, anyway), is all the plans of him and his kids moving into your home and the kids already choosing the colours of their bedrooms, etc etc. I have to admit, that would have me in such a panic, I'd probably head for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me for dust, lol.

 

I have no doubt many people here will disagree with me and say "go for it!! marry him!!".

 

I say "when in doubt, DON'T!!", and clearly you have many doubts. I strongly advise you trust your gut instinct on this one. Good luck.

[RedDress]

I think that 7 months is really fast (especially if you've only just met 7 months ago and it's not like you've known each other for a long time) and I think it's normal that you would have doubts at this stage in the relationship. I mean... you haven't even gone through all of the seasons with him!

 

I don't know... I'd have a serious case of cold feet too... but, I like to take things slow.

 

I think you might be a little stuck between a rock and a hard place, though. This is something you probably should have discussed and considered before even mentionning the possibility to the kids. Now they are already invested.

 

Have there been any other red flags? At this point I think your choices are to jump in or call it quits. I agree that it's hard to back out at this point... you're kinda in it. Can he renew his lease month-to-month? Or does it have to be a full year renewal? Has he given notice? That may be your only 'out' in terms of delaying things...

[annie24]

i don't think you should marry him right now. i would tell him you feel it's too soon to marry. perhaps it is better to not move in together just yet either? it sounds like you have a lot of hesitation and doubt, so it's probably better to wait.

[DN]

How did he react when you refused his proposal and did you tell him you aren't in love with him?

[LisaC]

I think you already know you shouldn't marry this man. You need confirmation to allow yourself to accept it maybe. Never stay with someone because you might feel there isn't anyone nicer, or better. Eventually you will meet the man that will take your breath away, until then, never settle.

[dundermiflin]

How did he react when you refused his proposal and did you tell him you aren't in love with him?

 

He took it really well and said I should ask him when I'm ready. Did I tell him I'm not in love with him... no... There have been some times when I've been excited that he's mine, but it isn't most of the time. I'm really afraid of losing him.

 

I think he could still renew his lease yet, probably for a minimum of 6 months. He'll definitely be mad that I'm coming up with this after he got the kids excited, but I guess I hadn't thought it through enough at the time. Maybe we could tell them it will take 6 months to build their rooms...

 

I just don't understand, how can I not love this guy. I tend to want what I can't have. Letting him go might be a big mistake?

[DN]

But allowing him and his kids to move in and then totally disrupting their lives would be very misleading and unfair.

 

I think you owe him the truth that you don't love him romantically and that is why you turned him down. Of course he, and probably his kids, will be hurt and upset, but not as much as they would if you drop that on them after they have moved in.

 

Yes, you will lose him but he deserves someone who loves him wholeheartedly and should have the chance to find her as soon as he can - presumably he has been through this before with the mother of his kids.

[Capricorn3]

I just don't understand, how can I not love this guy. I tend to want what I can't have. Letting him go might be a big mistake?

Actually, I think quite the opposite - I think letting him go would be a very GOOD idea. No mistake at all. It seems you are more afraid of being alone (imo) and just staying with him because you "tend to want what you can't have" is both wrong and unfair to BOTH of you. You both deserve better.

 

The fact that there are children involved in this makes it even more important that you do the RIGHT thing here, and I think letting him go would be the best option for ALL concerned.

[Puddincup]

The infatuation part of falling in love is great but after it wears off, then you have a whole life in front of you that you'll spend together. I think the important things are compatibility, being able to talk together, sharing interests, and feeling lucky that you are with this person. If you can have those things, then the fleeting romantic stuff is a lot less important. Of course, I'm a pretty practical women and most people don't feel this way. HOWEVER, most arranged marriages in other cultures last longer than those in cultures that don't have arranged marriages.

[notsogood]

7 months to get engaged is not too fast I mean c'mon people you should know by now it depends on the couple. How much quality time you spend together vs. quantity and how much you click. The only advise is wait until after the honeymoon phase is over to do it.

 

I always used to be the one who said wait at least 4 seasons until i met my now gf who I am proposing too soon after 7 months and change being together. It just depends.

 

As for your situation it sounds like you love the idea of him and he could be a best friend but you are not in love with him. He has kids what if you get married and get divorced? It would be hell on them. They would have to go through not one but TWO divorces in their life (you said he was divorced already). How do you feel about him physically? (romantically). Is it just so/so?

[notsogood]

The infatuation part of falling in love is great but after it wears off, then you have a whole life in front of you that you'll spend together. I think the important things are compatibility, being able to talk together, sharing interests, and feeling lucky that you are with this person. If you can have those things, then the fleeting romantic stuff is a lot less important. Of course, I'm a pretty practical women and most people don't feel this way. HOWEVER, most arranged marriages in other cultures last longer than those in cultures that don't have arranged marriages.

 

Also arranged marriages it is HIGHLY frowned on if you get divorced. As in if you do your family basically doesn't speak to you anymore. So there's always that too lol.