Giving online guys a chance

[BriarRose]

It's nice to know women will always have better options. At this point I'm thinking I might as well remove myself from the running so the decision making process will be easier for them. It must be soooo hard having to filter through dozens of attractive men and deciding which ones are worthy of acknowledgment and basic human respect. I guess since it's the internet we don't all actually count.

 

If you need me I'll be over here in the corner living my life and hoping to run into somebody through good old-fashioned blind luck instead...

Maybe if you look like a pin-up gal, that may be true - but for those of us that are average looking ladies we are not "filtering through dozens of men".

[LonelyPast]

Dude, this attitude isn't going to get you anywhere. You're generalizing an entire population into one really rude, unfair generalization. I will once again reiterate that online dating and dating in general require a thick skin. Women not replying to your messages on an online dating site does not mean they lack basic human respect for you. It means they don't find you attractive and/or interesting. That's their right, just like it's yours to not respond to a message from a girl who you think is heinously ugly.

 

Seriously, everyone needs to calm down. It's just online dating. It's not the end of the universe.

 

Am I not allowed to be a little frustrated?

 

At this point it doesn't seem like it's really about having thick skin so much as "women have the upper hand in dating so please just sit back and accept the patronizing and dehumanization of the process." It's not just a generalization, it's a statistically significant trend. I'm not inferring this is how it works from one or two attempts but from dozens and dozens and dozens! Do you really have any idea how it feels to get the cold shoulder that many times? At some point, "get over your attitude, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and keep on trying!" just doesn't cut it any longer...

 

Also, I don't just ignore the girls that I don't find attractive. On the rare attempts when they put more effort into contacting me than "hey there, let's chat some time!" then I at least bother to get back to them. If I don't think we're a good match then I'll tell them why! If somebody is clearly overweight (and every single woman that's contacted me first has been) then frankly that's going to be a deal breaker since I like to get out and do athletic stuff. It's harsh, but it at least let's them know what's going on. On the other hand I'm usually just left with silence either right away or after a couple of messages. Nobody will even tell me why I'm being disqualified and it's really quite maddening. I'm left with nothing but bitter assumptions that everybody tells me I need to get rid of. Well, where are the exceptions folks!?

 

So many eligible women get in the habit of sitting back basking in the attention they receive that it's become the norm for them to ignore or abandon most communication entirely. That doesn't make it right. Sure, it's an emotionally trying and time consuming process to keep up with everybody that's getting in touch with you, but then again so is reaching out to so many people in the first place! Shouldn't there be some equality to this whole process? As it stands online dating is hardly even worth the effort for most guys. Something's gotta change. I know I have...

 

Maybe if you look like a pin-up gal, that may be true - but for those of us that are average looking ladies we are not "filtering through dozens of men".

 

I don't think it's just the supermodels that have fallen into this trend. I'd say I'm physically attracted to around half of the women I see. That's hardly being too selective, but I still find myself being ignored a vast majority of the time. If it's not because they're spending their time pursuing other options then you'd think they could at least take a few minutes to let me down. Really, how hard is it to say "I don't think I really felt a connection with you" or maybe even provide a substantive reason!? How are guys supposed to change for the better if we don't know what we're doing wrong in the first place?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

So I hung out with my friend last night and she told me that one of her other friends made her an okcupid account as a joke the night before, but then after she was on it for a while, she thought it was kinda cool. She has NOTHING on her profile, but she is really cute. She barely filled it out, it has like 1 sentence in each section. She's not even seriously looking for anyone. I asked her if she was planning on going on dates with any of the guys and she said that she was more comfortable just chatting but might meet some of them eventually.

 

She just joined monday and has been getting a steady flow of messages since she joined. She got like 30 the first night i think and she just chats with the guys on im. I know I shouldnt compare myself to her but its just really frustrating when I really want to meet someone and she is getting all these messages and looking at it as a joke.

[BriarRose]

Well, she must be really hot. I guarantee you if she was of average looks (or below average) and had nothing in her profile or a crappy profile, I doubt she would have received "30" messages.

 

Yes, a hot gal with a great body is going to get more messages than those of us that are average in appearance.

[obs]

Well, she must be really hot. I guarantee you if she was of average looks (or below average) and had nothing in her profile or a crappy profile, I doubt she would have received "30" messages.

 

Yes, a hot gal with a great body is going to get more messages than those of us that are average in appearance.

 

This is also true for men as well.

[BriarRose]

This is also true for men as well.

Absolutely.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Well, she must be really hot. I guarantee you if she was of average looks (or below average) and had nothing in her profile or a crappy profile, I doubt she would have received "30" messages.

 

Yes, a hot gal with a great body is going to get more messages than those of us that are average in appearance.

 

well, i actually think she is pretty average in person. She just photographs really well and found the best pictures of herself to put up there. I saw all the messages she was getting though, and it was insane. One of the sections is about her "favorites" and she listed 1 movie in that section, thats it. and a ton of guys emailed her just based on that one thing. They were like, "i love that movie too, we should watch it together sometime" or talking about going to the movies. I can't even get a guy to comment on one thing in my profile and it's pretty well filled out.

[orchidrose]

Of course you're entitled to feel frustrated.

 

I suppose we have different ideas on this - but what you describe above, to me, simply requires a thick skin. And yes, I do have an idea about how it feels to get the cold shoulder over and over and over. I contact guys on OKC several times a week; maybe 5 or so messages a week. Usually 1-2 get replied to. So I am familiar with being ignored, and I simply choose not to take it personally. To me, it's just an indication that the guy I messaged is not interested and therefore not worth my time, and I need to move on to greener pastures. I don't see it as a personal affront or rejection. The guy knows nothing about me, so how can he hurt me?

 

Again, we may have different views on this, but I have no interest in hearing why I'm not a good match, so I don't do the same for guys. I can think of the reasons why - I'm only average looking, I'm not extremely skinny, I don't have the same interests - there are a thousand reasons why I may not be for a certain guy, but I don't need to know because frankly, I don't care. I know who I am and I know who I want to date, and if they don't want me, someone else will. I don't make "bitter assumptions" about how these men are cowardly idiots for not wanting me. I just know they don't, and that's that.

 

And your assumption that every woman is basking in thousands of e-mails is simply false. I get a few a week, if I'm lucky. I got a few week when I first joined. Again, there was never a flood of messages from hot guys determined to date me. You have to understand that every woman, like every man, is different. There are men who are having different experiences from you, and there are woman who are having different experiences from you.

[BriarRose]

Like Aneffigy, I received maybe a few a week, also.

[NightLily]

It's nice to know women will always have better options. At this point I'm thinking I might as well remove myself from the running so the decision making process will be easier for them. It must be soooo hard having to filter through dozens of attractive men and deciding which ones are worthy of acknowledgment and basic human respect. I guess since it's the internet we don't all actually count.

 

If you need me I'll be over here in the corner living my life and hoping to run into somebody through good old-fashioned blind luck instead...

 

I'm sure other women know what I was talking about, but the first day I had a profile up I got nearly 300 messages. There is obsolutely no way for somebody to respond to all of those. I don't know how women do it.

 

If you don't get a response she just wasn't into you as it is a numbers game of how much time she has to answer email etc. I also think if you are taking it personally or to the heart it might be best for you to step off online dating because there just isn't much way around it.

[NightLily]

If I was trying to do things this way (online dating) the type of guy I would be interested in wouldn't get tied up in knots over something like that. The would let it roll off. Just because a woman has her information up on a profile doesn't mean she is obligated to respond or talk to you.

 

Also the idea that overweight women can't be active is just completely false. If you just don't find it to be sexy then you should just say it that way. Everybody has a right to be interested or not interested in people. Those women have their standards or desires and you have yours.

[BriarRose]

well, i actually think she is pretty average in person. She just photographs really well and found the best pictures of herself to put up there. I saw all the messages she was getting though, and it was insane. One of the sections is about her "favorites" and she listed 1 movie in that section, thats it. and a ton of guys emailed her just based on that one thing. They were like, "i love that movie too, we should watch it together sometime" or talking about going to the movies. I can't even get a guy to comment on one thing in my profile and it's pretty well filled out.

It's hard to say without seeing either your profile or your friends, but you sound very personable from your threads. I am sure there is nothing wrong with your profile, and you said you have pics up, so that's good. Just keep trying, maybe try a different site? I had better luck on some sites than others.

[NightLily]

well, i actually think she is pretty average in person. She just photographs really well and found the best pictures of herself to put up there. I saw all the messages she was getting though, and it was insane. One of the sections is about her "favorites" and she listed 1 movie in that section, thats it. and a ton of guys emailed her just based on that one thing. They were like, "i love that movie too, we should watch it together sometime" or talking about going to the movies. I can't even get a guy to comment on one thing in my profile and it's pretty well filled out.

 

If you think she is average but just very photogenic then perhaps get some better photos taken or something?

 

Like a picture that really picks up the color of your eyes or something

[peanutbutterandjelly]

If you think she is average but just very photogenic then perhaps get some better photos taken or something?

 

Like a picture that really picks up the color of your eyes or something

 

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Non of my pictures are unflattering or anything... I would worry that when if I went on a date, I would look worse in person than I did in my pictures. I don't want to give off a false impression

[Tristanlogd]

To add on to LonelyPasts points, it seems like most women on dating sites expect the guy to make the first move. Now I'm not trying to generalize or throw everyone into one pile because I know not all are like this, but it just seems to be the case. If this is most often the case however this makes things very unbalanced in terms of who gets messages and who doesn't, some women will get tons some won't, but guys overall do not get many first mails from girls. I have used many sites, match, singles net, and a few others and I think the amount of messages and winks I sent out greatly dwarfed the amount of first time messages and winks I received. I have yet to receive a response from anyone on match, and after being there AND being a subscriber for around 4 months and sending on average 5 messages a week to people i found, maybe a handful of people responded nicely. I have received maybe 2 first time winks, which I responded that I was not interested, and had one meaningful relationship that lasted about a month (not on match, frankly link removed sucks!).

 

After awhile of trying it just starts to feel pointless, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who seems to feel this way. Again, this is not directed at anyone here, and I understand the thick skin argument as the Internet can be even tougher than real life, but it just seems like overall it's tougher for guys especially when messages go unanswered or ignored, but we are looked upon as the initiators by many women on these sites.

 

As a side note I just started using PoF and I will see how it goes, I do like that it's free.

[waveseer]

The most important thing to remember when meeting people online is that you should hold them to the same standards as you would someone you met in person.

[adamt]

I think men just focus on what she looks like then worry about the profile write up if she shows interest.

 

Women probably take more notice of the profile write up looking for common interests.

 

with regards to LonelyPast, it can be time consuming wading through 100s of profiles and not getting a response from many. Ity becomes frustrating and can really knock someones confidence.

 

The difficulty with online dating is everyone looks for people who punch above their weight. Some people look better in photos others look worse. You also dont have that chance to have a bit of banter and chemistry you would get if you had jsust met in the street or a bar, had a chat and felt you got on well and had some flirty chemistry. online dating is like applying for a job. you put up your cv, it catches an employers eye. you then go on a first date which is the initial interview. its like a predate date. if been on some great first online dates but not reached a 2nd date.

[BriarRose]

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Non of my pictures are unflattering or anything... I would worry that when if I went on a date, I would look worse in person than I did in my pictures. I don't want to give off a false impression

 

I agree...I would always post pics that more closely resembled me on a "normal" day rather than me all dolled-up. I'm not saying don't try to look good, obviously, I just feel the photos should represent the person he will be meeting for the first time.

[Fudgie]

I met my boyfriend online. I was on the dating sites for a long time and then he finally contacted me and we met a few months later and it's been great. Now we rarely talk online, haha. Given our age gap, I was looking for someone older and he was looking for either someone his age or younger...we probably would not have met in real life because of the age thing. He probably would have liked me but would be worried to say anything. Online dating has allowed me to find him in an area that is free from worries or societal judgments.

 

About the whole "replying to declining thing". I never did that. I did it a couple of times in the beginning and yes, some guys DO argue with you or get nasty. It's childish and I didn't like it, so I just stopped doing it.

I've only had handful of guys write me personal messages and those I reply to, even to say no. I think being genuine ups your chances of finding someone. My boyfriend sent me a personal message that was about 2 pages long (that's just how he is) and I was very impressed.

 

As waveseer said, you need to hold online guys to the same standards that you have for guys you meet in real life. Ask yourself, "would I want to date this person if we met in real life?" if the answer is "no" then move on.

[Tristanlogd]

That's awesome that you found someone after that long, it seems like it takes dedication, thick skin, and luck to find the right person. I guess that goes for real life too. My thing is I used to write long winded messages, but quit due to no responses. Little short but nice messages seeing if they're interested is what I do now, and if they are and respond then I talk more because I know I am not wasting my breath. Kind of like an icebreaker. I will just keep trying and not give up.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I think men just focus on what she looks like then worry about the profile write up if she shows interest.

 

Women probably take more notice of the profile write up looking for common interests.

 

i think you hit the nail on the head here. I think a lot of guys look at the pics first and then figure they can deal with whatever it says on her profile afterwards, especially if she's attractive. After that, dealbreakers may not be dealbreakers any longer. "She's hot! I guess it's not a big deal if she smokes".

 

On the otherhand, I always read the profile before I even look at the guys pictures. Yeah, I see the first one, but I dont click to look at the rest of them until I have read the profile and I am interested.

 

I dunno, I just have the feeling that most guys dont read the profiles as thoroughly as women do before making contact. Or they dismiss certain things in it, just because they find the woman attractive.

[obs]

i think you hit the nail on the head here. I think a lot of guys look at the pics first and then figure they can deal with whatever it says on her profile afterwards, especially if she's attractive. After that, dealbreakers may not be dealbreakers any longer. "She's hot! I guess it's not a big deal if she smokes".

 

On the otherhand, I always read the profile before I even look at the guys pictures. Yeah, I see the first one, but I dont click to look at the rest of them until I have read the profile and I am interested.

 

I dunno, I just have the feeling that most guys dont read the profiles as thoroughly as women do before making contact. Or they dismiss certain things in it, just because they find the woman attractive.

 

This could be true, but most likely a result of choice. When you have more people to sift through, you tend to filter people out more. Since men generally receive less responses than women, they aren't as restrictive on their choices.

[BriarRose]

I disagree that men choose based on looks more than women do. Sorry, but if a woman doesn't find you attractive in her eyes, it doesn't matter how great your profile is. And this would apply to men, too.

[orchidrose]

I disagree that men choose based on looks more than women do. Sorry, but if a woman doesn't find you attractive in her eyes, it doesn't matter how great your profile is. And this would apply to men, too.

 

Agreed. A guy can write me a really great, thought out, funny message, like one I got today, but his picture will give me a far better idea of if I'd be serious about going out on a date with him. The message was lovely but I was just not attracted to him at all (he had 5 or 6 pictures, and was just so not my type). I don't know if I'll reply to the message.

[newwave]

i think you hit the nail on the head here. I think a lot of guys look at the pics first and then figure they can deal with whatever it says on her profile afterwards, especially if she's attractive. After that, dealbreakers may not be dealbreakers any longer. "She's hot! I guess it's not a big deal if she smokes".

 

On the otherhand, I always read the profile before I even look at the guys pictures. Yeah, I see the first one, but I dont click to look at the rest of them until I have read the profile and I am interested.

 

I dunno, I just have the feeling that most guys dont read the profiles as thoroughly as women do before making contact. Or they dismiss certain things in it, just because they find the woman attractive.

 

 

I have to agree from my personal experience online. I got so many guys saying how hot I was, and most of the guys didn't say anything about my profile. In fact the majority of the guys were NOT what I was looking for (most were fathers though I clearly stated no dads) so why they contacted me I don't know. The only guys I took seriously were the ones who sent messages and asked me questions about my profile.

 

I will admit though that looks make a difference to everyone. I have rejected guys who have a look I find unattractive. Not to say they are unattractive, just not my type.