Giving online guys a chance

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i guess it really just depends on the person. I'm not saying that phyiscal attraction is not important for women, but when I'm looking at an online profile, I personally pay more attention to the profile. I am more likely to not pay attention to an unflattering picture or a bad haircut if I like what the profile says. Whereas like I said before.. i think some guys would more likely let a few things on a profile slip by if they really liked the pictures.

[adamt]

i think you hit the nail on the head here. I think a lot of guys look at the pics first and then figure they can deal with whatever it says on her profile afterwards, especially if she's attractive. After that, dealbreakers may not be dealbreakers any longer. "She's hot! I guess it's not a big deal if she smokes".

 

On the otherhand, I always read the profile before I even look at the guys pictures. Yeah, I see the first one, but I dont click to look at the rest of them until I have read the profile and I am interested.

 

I dunno, I just have the feeling that most guys dont read the profiles as thoroughly as women do before making contact. Or they dismiss certain things in it, just because they find the woman attractive.

 

I think it mirrors real life in some ways. Men go for looks a lot more than women. women give bigger interest to personality. traditionally men do the persuing.

 

I'm on a dating website in London which has a huge database. it would take forever to read in great detail and send an email to all the ones i am interested in. so i'll add anyone i like to my favourites and if they add me back then i will red their profile properly and send an email.the response is very very small percentage. I imagine the women dont spend as much time searching the database and spend most of their time just logging in a couple of times a day ,checking and sifting through who has shown an interest. then they find only a small percentage they are interested in. too many people a under the illusion that just because everyone is single that means its going to be easy to 'pull'. in reality its not an hedonism weekend! and its more like applying for a job with your cv along with many others. if you get an interview then your chances increase but then there are other applications having interviews too.

[newwave]

I think it mirrors real life in some ways. Men go for looks a lot more than women. women give bigger interest to personality. traditionally men do the persuing

 

Possibly to some extent, but this is also misleading as well. Many guys think they can date above their looks, and this is often a falsehood. What I mean by that is on online dating sites, many times you'll see these unattractive guys looking for hot women. While they MIGHT get a hot woman, they might need to lower their standards if they want a girlfriend or wife.

[Clarity]

Possibly to some extent, but this is also misleading as well. Many guys think they can date above their looks, and this is often a falsehood. What I mean by that is on online dating sites, many times you'll see these unattractive guys looking for hot women. While they MIGHT get a hot woman, they might need to lower their standards if they want a girlfriend or wife.

 

I've found this goes both ways, there are both men and women that feel they can date "above their looks" and honestly, good for them for trying

[Ms Darcy]

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Non of my pictures are unflattering or anything... I would worry that when if I went on a date, I would look worse in person than I did in my pictures. I don't want to give off a false impression

 

Do you and your friend share the same height and weight? It is really hard to compare yourself to someone else unless you are very similar. She looks different. Different looks get different responses.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Do you and your friend share the same height and weight? It is really hard to compare yourself to someone else unless you are very similar. She looks different. Different looks get different responses.

 

yeah, I guess I can't really compare myself to her. We are the same height, she weighs about 20 lbs less than me and her hair is a lighter color. We both wear glasses but she's not wearing them in any of her pictures, I wear mine all the time. I guess that must make a difference. We both have the "girl next door" kinda look. We're both pretty plain, no crazy outfits, don't wear makeup, etc...

[Ms Darcy]

yeah, I guess I can't really compare myself to her. We are the same height, she weighs about 20 lbs less than me and her hair is a lighter color. We both wear glasses but she's not wearing them in any of her pictures, I wear mine all the time. I guess that must make a difference. We both have the "girl next door" kinda look. We're both pretty plain, no crazy outfits, don't wear makeup, etc...

 

For my body, 20 lbs is the difference between looking thin and looking chubby. Anywho, it sounds like you two look different. I have to be honest with you, men who are online dating are going to be more 'picky' about weight than they would be in real life. They can't see you and interact so that's all they see.

 

Also, I remember a couple of years ago marvelling about all the guys (except a handful) only wanted "slim or slender" women. It happens.

 

Really, the best thing you can do is to get to a place where you are comfortable with how you look so you don't have to compare yourself with your friends.

[galaxy71]

I never really know why it's so popular for people here to consider dating to be pure luck. I heard one woman mention why she didn't care to know why she was getting rejected. I think it's easier to cope with rejection when you get the hope of knowing that you can correct your mistakes. Success is preparation meeting luck. Knowing that your success in dating is based on skill might provide meaning to rejection. It's much better than feeling like a failure in life. I don't know why some of the women are so unsymphathetic toward guys who are frustrated with on-line dating. After getting rejected many times, your rejection and self-confidence is going to go downhill. For guys who are not athletic nor charming, we have to go through a lot of rejections to get one measly date. What is overlooked is the fact a lot of us don't have a support network to motivate us or comfort us when we are frustrated. Instead of having Phil Jackson give a pep talk or critique our profiles, we are lectured about how we have "to man up" and not be "bitter". Thanks for kicking me when I am down coach. None of us have a dating coach to motivate us or to teach us how to interact with women online.

 

I also have to say that the internet makes men and women rude. Women get this cold, heartless attitude about how they owe guys nothing. Instead of saying no thanks, these women will pretend that he doesn't exist. It doesn't matter how respectful or thought out a guy's reply is. Guys become rude too when they treat women like sex objects. The difference is the fact that it is OK to bash horny guys as creepy sleazebags, but if a guy criticizes women online, he is shamed as bitter. At a party or a singles party, women will give a guy a chance by talking to him. They are bound by social convention to talk to him for a short period of time before she decides to continue talking to him or politely exit the conversation. In online dating, women won't even talk to if you don't meet her looks tests. Even in a bar or a nightclub, many woman will talk to a guy for twenty or thirty seconds before deciding if a guy is cool or not.

 

I don't know what is so special about online dating. It's great for women who are quiet in social settings and who sometimes get overshadowed by their more outgoing friends. However, I think it sucks for regular guys who don't not have that larger than life personality. Heck, I think dating in general disadvantages average guys with ho-hum personalities. As someone said in another post, at least in a bar, you might charm a woman through your flirting. What really bothers me is the fact that I get the feeling that some women would rather keep their power by tearing guys a new one, instead of helping guys out when they are struggling with dating.

 

I will give an analogy about how I perceive dating. Imagine if a student doesn't get a good grade for his class. He doesn't know what he has to do to get a good grade because the teacher's grading is so subjective. There are no tests, no syllabus, nor quizzes, nor papers. Instead of getting told what he could work on, the teacher tells him to work hard and to stop complaining.

[LonelyPast]

It's good to know I'm not alone. Thanks!

[Cherry1077]

I know people who have done the whole Eharmony and match thing and the dates they have gotten from there were...well something you would see on Mad TV. It seems the entire world is now proficient in photoshop, so Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome is usually Mr. Short, hairy, and Psycho. The men on these sites have a tendency to be needy. Alot of them "love" you after the first date and if by some miracle you find one that makes it past the first date you find out that he got a divorce because he was hooked on drugs. My friend broke up with one guy after two weeks and he sent her 543 messages in a 3 day time period. One minute begging her back saying he wanted to marry her and the next calling her a psycho witch. So yea not a fan of the online dating.

[newwave]

I know people who have done the whole Eharmony and match thing and the dates they have gotten from there were...well something you would see on Mad TV. It seems the entire world is now proficient in photoshop, so Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome is usually Mr. Short, hairy, and Psycho. The men on these sites have a tendency to be needy. Alot of them "love" you after the first date and if by some miracle you find one that makes it past the first date you find out that he got a divorce because he was hooked on drugs. My friend broke up with one guy after two weeks and he sent her 543 messages in a 3 day time period. One minute begging her back saying he wanted to marry her and the next calling her a psycho witch. So yea not a fan of the online dating.

 

That's another reason I'm not a fan of online dating. People lie all the time about looks. My dad was talking to a friend of his doing online dating and said all the women on there were lying about their looks, and most posted old or fake photos. The needy aspect scares me too. I've heard many stories about women meeting guys and some even proposing marriage within a few months. Yes, I want to marry, but not within 6 months of dating, especially if it's someone I met through online.

[adamt]

You really shouldn't invest to much emotion into online dating. The odds on finding someone where the feelings are mutual and leads onto a relationship are very very small. just because everyone is single doesnt mean everyone is right for each other. Just have it there as an option along with joining clubs,networking, going to events,gym,bars,clubs. I think people have high expectations of online dating jsut because everyone is single. Also i think people are looking to punch above their weight. Some people seem to think it is like going into a book shop and just picking a book of the shelf you like.you pay your money, you find the book you like then walk back out again. in reality you liek the look of the book cover, you then read the intro on the sort of book it is, you may put it back down, you may start to read it then realise its not really your sort of book. or you may read the first chapter but then realise its not what appeals to you. or you may be still interested and read more chapter. but more than likely you will leave the bookshop empty handed because you cant find the perfect book and you have been in there ages.

 

It is terribly frustrating when you exchange emails with someone and then they suddenly stop responding or you go on a date and it goes well but nothing more happens. Don't put all your eggs in one basket thinking online dating is the winning formula. it may work but more than likely it wont. Don't come accross desperate and needy. you just have to let the other person do what they want to do at their pace, if they are interested they will keep intouch. Silence is just the way of saying they are not interested. Dont take it personal, you haven't done anything wrong. if they are interested then they will drop hints or you will get the hint somehow

 

I know how hard it is not to build up hope when you start talking to someone you like but you have to realise it is at the very early stages and there will be alot of competition from other people.Some women are genuinely just curious or just happy for a chat. One example i had was after a few emails with a girl in a different city i realised i knew someone who worked with her. so i thought it was best to mention it sooner rather than later. it was either going to help me or break it. She wrote back saying she didnt want to mix work with personal life so said we should stop writing. I was a bit angry at first but the best thing i did was just not bother with her. if she was interested in me she would have carried on. or maybe she had some history and didnt want work people finding out.

 

I try to be honest, be myself and if that doesnt appeal to them then it's never going to work out anyway. you are just wasting your own time.

 

people lie in the real world too not just online. just treat it as a bit of fun and be open minded and enjoy meeting new people if it happens

[orchidrose]

To those who say they want to be outright rejected and be given a reason for the rejection: remember that the reason for that rejection is often not something you can improve, and often is not something that needs improved. Your appearance may be the reason; it may not appeal to me, but another woman. Your interests might not match mine. Your goals might not match mine.

[HouseKitten]

To those who say they want to be outright rejected and be given a reason for the rejection: remember that the reason for that rejection is often not something you can improve, and often is not something that needs improved. Your appearance may be the reason; it may not appeal to me, but another woman. Your interests might not match mine. Your goals might not match mine.

 

100% agree.

 

For a lot of guys who contacted me when I was online, there was nothing fundamentally wrong with them. I could maybe have picked out a few things but it would boil down to 'not my type of guy'. Why should that man change himself for me? He shouldn't - there will be plenty of women out there who think he's their type.

 

Just to be clear though, there is a difference between someone who has a good profile, decent pictures and an interesting first-contact message but just isn't my type, and someone who could be my type but I'd never be able to tell because his profile only has three lines, his one picture is a fuzzy pic taken at a distance/when he's drunk, and his first message was 'hi sexy, wanna go out some time?'

[oldenoughtoknow]

I know people who have done the whole Eharmony and match thing and the dates they have gotten from there were...well something you would see on Mad TV. It seems the entire world is now proficient in photoshop, so Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome is usually Mr. Short, hairy, and Psycho. The men on these sites have a tendency to be needy. Alot of them "love" you after the first date and if by some miracle you find one that makes it past the first date you find out that he got a divorce because he was hooked on drugs. My friend broke up with one guy after two weeks and he sent her 543 messages in a 3 day time period. One minute begging her back saying he wanted to marry her and the next calling her a psycho witch. So yea not a fan of the online dating.

 

Now THAT'S a good story. Back in my online dating days, I also heard some great stories from the women I met. But then, I have a quite a few stories of my own. And I remember a survey a few years ago that stated over 40% of the men online are married!

[newwave]

Now THAT'S a good story. Back in my online dating days, I also heard some great stories from the women I met. But then, I have a quite a few stories of my own. And I remember a survey a few years ago that stated over 40% of the men online are married!

 

Yes and that's another bad thing about online dating. I once dated a guy (as in 2 dates) and he seemed nice until his wife showed up. Other guys I've dated online (or even chatted with) were also married and usually I can pick this up right away by certain signs.

 

I also agree about the rejection with guys, and how often nothing was wrong. I am attracted to a certain type and has nothing to do with looks. If we are different in terms of values, moral, beliefs, interests, etc we just aren't going to work. For instance I am an independent person, and even though I hope to marry, I don't want a guy I see everyday. Even if we marry I still have my own interests. Many of the guys I met online were the opposite.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

very very true, this is something that I have to remember when doing this.

 

I guess I'm more optomistic about it because I have found true love online. I met my ex online 5 years ago, so I am hopeful that it will happen again one day. I met 4 guys online before I found him and had all but given up, when I finally decided to message him just to hang out. I was bored and was tired of the dating thing. He asked for my number, we hung out that night and instantly became best friends for 3.5 years. Unfortunately love isn't enough sometimes and we ultimately wanted different things out of life. But I did find love online.

 

I actually met him on a social networking site, myspace when it was very popular. I pretty much used it as a dating site though. I would search for single guys at my college or within my area, add them and send a message. I wonder if I would have found someone if I had used an acutual dating site or if online dating has changed dramatically within the last 5 years.

 

I think it did make a difference though, because on social networking sites, people arent getting tons of messages looking for a date. They might get one here and there, but they are mostly used to connect and interact with people you already know. So when you get a random message from someone new, you are more likely not to blow them off so easily. No one uses myspace anymore though and facebook doesn't allow you to look at random peoples profiles, so i havn't even attempted to go that route again.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i got another message today...

 

a one liner from a 50 year old man that says, "would like to discuss things with you interested?"

 

obviously I'm not going to respond. Does anyone know if theres a way to set up your profile on okcupid so you can't get messages from people over a certain age or distance?

[AuthenticAuthor]

Does anyone know if theres a way to set up your profile on okcupid so you can't get messages from people over a certain age or distance?

 

Should be somewhere in your profile settings. It's been a while since I used OkCupid. Otherwise good luck filtering anything. From what I understand its a spamfest for women, and a barren mailbox for men. At least for me it was. Being a guy that is.

[newwave]

Should be somewhere in your profile settings. It's been a while since I used OkCupid. Otherwise good luck filtering anything. From what I understand its a spamfest for women, and a barren mailbox for men. At least for me it was. Being a guy that is.

 

That's true on all the sites, at least it was for me. I was literally getting bombarded with hundreds of responses. Even now, I have bare bones profiles on the free sites (no photos, basic info, etc) and still get bombarded. I only have these profiles strictly to lurk so I'm not even looking.

[AuthenticAuthor]

That's true on all the sites, at least it was for me. I was literally getting bombarded with hundreds of responses. Even now, I have bare bones profiles on the free sites (no photos, basic info, etc) and still get bombarded. I only have these profiles strictly to lurk so I'm not even looking.

 

With all due respect, why do you have profiles on these sites if you're "not even looking"? Its like putting a job ad without actually doing the hiring.

[newwave]

With all due respect, why do you have profiles on these sites if you're "not even looking"? Its like putting a job ad without actually doing the hiring.

 

To lurk mostly. I've considered deleting them and will if/when I get serious with the guy I want. If we don't get serious I'll probably add to them. I know it sounds weird, but it's kind of a way to reassure me that there are decent guys out there. Btw, I created these profiles either before I connected with him or when he gave me a hard time.

[AuthenticAuthor]

To lurk mostly. I've considered deleting them and will if/when I get serious with the guy I want. If we don't get serious I'll probably add to them. I know it sounds weird, but it's kind of a way to reassure me that there are decent guys out there. Btw, I created these profiles either before I connected with him or when he gave me a hard time.

 

Gotcha. To be honest, I've done something similar in the past. In the end I still deleted my profiles and have never looked back. I've found that forums prove to be far better online meetups than dating sites seem to ever offer, even if I never really meet the people I'm chatting with. Conversation, not matchmaking, is the Internet's forte...at least for now.

[oldenoughtoknow]

^^ This reminds me of another thing related to the other posters worried about a lack or responses to their correspondence...

 

All of these sites are fighting for market share, and one thing they do is default to keeping your profile open - so they can advertise even more "millions" of active members. If you leave, stop paying, etc., and don't have email forwarding turned on, your "dormant" account will continue to be viewed and receive winks and emails from prospective suitors. You have to go in and close it from public view, or delete it entirely.

 

I'd never thought about this before, until after the first few months my ex and I were dating. I mentioned to her that I'd tried online dating (we met the old-fashioned way). Well, she was looking over a friend of hers shoulder one day when she was browsing her online dating account...and my profile shows up! Needless to say, I had some 'splainen to do.

 

Not all sites show a profile's last activity date. Keep that in mind when you never hear back from "The One." They may just be gone.

[vale]

I know people who have done the whole Eharmony and match thing and the dates they have gotten from there were...well something you would see on Mad TV. It seems the entire world is now proficient in photoshop, so Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome is usually Mr. Short, hairy, and Psycho. The men on these sites have a tendency to be needy. Alot of them "love" you after the first date and if by some miracle you find one that makes it past the first date you find out that he got a divorce because he was hooked on drugs. My friend broke up with one guy after two weeks and he sent her 543 messages in a 3 day time period. One minute begging her back saying he wanted to marry her and the next calling her a psycho witch. So yea not a fan of the online dating.

 

I think you're wrong. There are plenty of amazing guys on eHarmony (I'm one of them and I'm damn proud of it).

 

You totally sound like a 17 year old red head who's stalking and totally in love with a 22 year old on some online forum.