Giving online guys a chance

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I guess I shouldnt be complaining because some guys have been contacting me on through online dating, but no one seems to be all that serious. Last night I got a message that said, "how are you doing i thought i would message and see if you wold like chat and get to know each other".

 

I checked out his profile and his grammer and spelling was horrendous and it was actually hard to understand what he was saying. No punctuation, run on sentences, etc. I'm not even sure if he read my profile or just sent that message to 100 other girls.

 

Today a guy who lives about an hour away from me added to my favorites. He doesn't have a photo and he didn't send me a message. His profile is short and doesnt say much about him, but it seems decent enough. He is 18 though which seems kind of young for me. I'm not sure if I should send him a message. I would think if he was interested me he would have and I can't understand why he just added me without saying anything.

 

I dont know. I want to go on a date and maybe I should give the guys who are contacting me a chance, but I just feel like they should take the time to actually read my profile or send me a message. I know I posted about guys not contacting me and now a couple have so I feel kinda bad for complaining but these arent the kind of messages I was hoping to get.

[mightyreal]

i think you should at least wait for him to send you a message. it sounds like he's not willing to message you and that he wants you to initiate the contact and do all the leg work.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I'm sorry but no, you shouldn't give these guys a chance. Nothing good will come out of it. Do you want just any guy or a decent guy?

[orchidrose]

Don't give them a chance. And sweetheart, I say this because I care - you REALLY need to calm down on the online dating thing. This is your third thread in a few days on online dating. It's never going to work if you obsess and expect great things within a few days of joining. Online dating is NOT the massive pool that people sometimes think it is. You're going to have to wade through a bunch of losers before you find someone you're even remotely interested.

 

Just calm down and go with the flow.

[TakingtheBlame]

Yeah, I do a lot of online dating (and have been using such sites on and off for six years.) In my experience, guys who are worth the effort will go through the effort of writing you a somewhat targeted, coherent message, or will at least respond to your message in a similar fashion. The ones who send you "winks" and "woos" and who "friend" you are usually just looking for quantity over quality (though as with all things, this isn't the case 100% of the time.) Go with your gut I say; if a guy seems shady he probably is, and you're better off waiting for the ones who don't just sound weird. (They do exist; I've met several!)

[mightyreal]

so why is it that the genuine men that do send meaningful messages get ignored?

[abitbroken]

If someone doesn't have much of a profile, he may just be testing the waters or filled out the minimal so he can check out the site. I wouldn't contact him. As far as the other guy - well - he is a bit forward, but be careful to judge someone on horrendous spelling. My guy is not the best speller, etc, but when one meets him, they can see how brilliant he is. He is just a bit dyslexic. Okay, a big bit. If I would have judged him based on his grammar, I would never have met a wonderful man.

 

If the substance of the first man's profile seems like he might be a decent guy, I would message him and tell him that you aren't into online chat, but are willing to exchange a few emails to get to know eachother first. Then you can see if he is worth dating - or at least getting an ice cream with. Or if he is not serious, he will never email you.

 

Guys are pretty much confused when it comes to online dating because a lot of girls want a guy who is direct, but if they are direct, it creeps some of them out, so sometimes any approach is the wrong one unless the girl saw his profile first and was smitten, and then he happens to message her.

 

I agree though - balance this out by joining clubs or exploring hobbies to put you in line to meet guys the traditional way

[abitbroken]

so why is it that the genuine men that do send meaningful messages get ignored?

 

My bf sent me a meaningful message. But it wasn't a poem or some deep, thoughtful thing. He pointed out similar interests and wondered if I ever liked to go to a place in his town where people who had the same hobby as I do tend to gather. Or if I heard of it. And the rest is history.

[obs]

If the guy can't be bothered to use proper grammar or construct a coherent sentence he's probably not worth giving a chance. It doesn't take a genius to run your profile and messages through word. I'm not talking about understanding the proper use of effect vs affect. Just writing a sentence that you can read and understand easily.

[oldenoughtoknow]

From my past online experience, this guy is 18, with no picture, who friended you and then hasn't contacted you? That's not a contact. I would de-friend him.

 

You know in the online world, it's very common for women to contact men. Then you can read their profile upfront and check it for common interests, proper punctuation, etc., whatever you feel is important to you. If they look interesting, send them a quick note or wink or whatever. You'll be able to determine if they are a "wolf" after your first few contacts.

[mightyreal]

My bf sent me a meaningful message. But it wasn't a poem or some deep, thoughtful thing. He pointed out similar interests and wondered if I ever liked to go to a place in his town where people who had the same hobby as I do tend to gather. Or if I heard of it. And the rest is history.

 

i'm glad it worked for you. i think thats what the genuine men on dating sites want to happen. the problem is being ignored just for the sake of it-that happens a lot.

[obs]

i'm glad it worked for you. i think thats what the genuine men on dating sites want to happen. the problem is being ignored just for the sake of it-that happens a lot.

 

You're not being ignored for the sake of it. You're being ignored because they're not interested in you. This happens even when you have a good profile and sent meaningful messages. I know from experience. It's not a big deal, you just move on an keep trying.

[TakingtheBlame]

so why is it that the genuine men that do send meaningful messages get ignored?

 

Well this is a rather broad statement...I don't think it's only men who get ignored on dating sites (I've been ignored quite a few times and I doubt it's anything personal.) I also think "meaningful messages" can only help your chances at getting a response, and if your messages are not responded to then the person who you've messaged just isn't into your "type" for some reason or another (I've ignored coherent messages from decent guys because they are way older or younger than I'd be interested in dating, or not my type physically, or just seemingly not into things I think I'd have the slightest interest in doing...and that's not to say I don't completely understand and respect somebody else doing the same to me.) As abitbroken puts it, a "meaningful message" need not be poetry or philosophy, but an icebreaker that makes evident the qualities that you may share with the person messaging you. Just be coherent and honest, and you'll find someone that is right for you.

[mightyreal]

i think at least the women who ignore the messages should reply and say 'not interested' in a polite way. i would respect that and leave it at that. i understand that many men on there are pests but if you've taken the time to leave a meaningful message, then the least you should expect is a respectful decline if they're not interested. it causes disillusion to the genuine men.

[savignon]

his grammer and spelling

Grammar is spelled with an -ar and I ONLY point that out to say that nobody is perfect and we don't want anyone to judge us on every little thing.

Take it easy on these guys...most of them are looking for the same thing you are.

[mightyreal]

true point savignon.

[TakingtheBlame]

i think at least the women who ignore the messages should reply and say 'not interested' in a polite way. i would respect that and leave it at that. i understand that many men on there are pests but if you've taken the time to leave a meaningful message, then the least you should expect is a respectful decline if they're not interested. it causes disillusion to the genuine men.

 

Well first of all, there are lots of guys out there who feel the need to argue with me when I say I'm not interested, and try to explain to me why I'm "wrong" for not giving them a chance. I realize it's unfair to assume everyone will give me such a hard time but I don't want to take the chance of being guilt tripped just because I'm not interested for whatever reason, hence my blanket practice of not answering when I'm not interested.

 

Also, why would anyone take it personally to begin with? Obviously people on online dating sites don't know you, so why would you assume they have any meaningful reason for rejecting you, aside from personal preferences about basic compatibility, like looks or interests? When a guy ignores my initial message on a dating site, my initial reaction is "I guess he's into tall brunettes" (I'm small and blond) or "Maybe I sounded too substantial and he's looking for a fling." Basically, I'm cool with it. It's guys who date me for awhile and then disappear that make me feel super self conscious.

[mightyreal]

i think it doesn't take much for a bit of communication after you're the one who initiates contact with them. i understand that people do argue back but then you know you made the right decision in the first place.

 

i do find it refreshing that you approach people on the dating sites. i've been a member of sites briefly on and off and i've never once been approached on their by a woman.

[TakingtheBlame]

Well I didn't use to approach people, on dating sites or off. In my younger years I always let men come to me. Eventually I realized how much time waiting wasted, and I figured better to get out there and make it happen and if it's not going to happen, move on to the next one.

 

I don't know much about being a man on dating sites so I can't speak for the assertiveness of women in general. But I do know that my experience as a woman on dating sites hasn't been ideal by any stretch of the imagination (contrary to popular belief....waaaay too many guys I've spoken to think that a woman's experience on a dating site consists of it raining men)...eventually you just learn to take it easy, do whatever you feel comfortable doing, and most importantly, NOT TO TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY.

[mightyreal]

i think when i've been on them in the past, i hindered myself by not displaying a photo. if the conversation grew, i would offer a photo or photos. i guess i just felt exposed by having my photo and details on a site that anyone could see.

[obs]

Wait, you didn't have a photo? That was 90% of the problem right there.

[mightyreal]

i think it was just paranoia really. i thought maybe someone i know would see my profile and pics, etc. i think if i tried it now, i really wouldn't care and put the pics up.

[obs]

i think it was just paranoia really. i thought maybe someone i know would see my profile and pics, etc. i think if i tried it now, i really wouldn't care and put the pics up.

 

You really should if you go at it again. People often dismiss any message from someone without pics unless your profile and message are basically perfect.

[HouseKitten]

i think at least the women who ignore the messages should reply and say 'not interested' in a polite way. i would respect that and leave it at that. i understand that many men on there are pests but if you've taken the time to leave a meaningful message, then the least you should expect is a respectful decline if they're not interested. it causes disillusion to the genuine men.

 

Takingtheblame has pretty much said what I wanted to anyway, but I'm a dating-site person and I want to add my 2 cents.

 

I used to write a polite no thank you to any guy who messaged me that didn't interest me. Then I started getting messages back. Typically along the lines of 'but why not?'. And even when I reiterated that I didn't feel a connection but thanks anyway, they'd persist. Jesus, what do men want? A specific list of all the reasons I don't find you attractive? An analysis of why your profile pictures just don't rock it for me? No, they want to shame a woman into giving them a chance, and there's no honour in that.

 

You mention 'genuine men' but honestly, a lot of communication doesn't feel that genuine. Eventually I stopped replying to decline the guys who sent one-liners that were poorly spelt, and only replied to decline the men who had obviously taken the time to write a detailed and personal message. Even then, one apparently intelligent young man wouldn't be discouraged until I told him I couldn't date him because he bore a spooky resemblance to an ex-roommate who I had a bad parting of ways with.

 

The thing to remember is that no one owes you a damn thing, online or otherwise in the dating world. Just because you got up the nerve to message a girl doesn't mean she has to even read it if she changes her mind about the whole thing. And if she reads it and finds you completely unattractive, not her type at all, she doesn't owe you an explanation.

 

Online dating should come with terms and conditions that state you message others at your own risk - no one else is at fault somehow if you don't get responses, or the responses you'd like. You can't please everyone - it's no different when online dating.

 

I also don't think any girl or guy should lower their standards just because it's online and therefore a bit of a disadvantage for those who don't grasp spelling. I knew I couldn't date anyone who couldn't use a comma properly, so I didn't lower that standard to date the guys who sent badly spelt mails that had obviously been sent after seeing my picture but without having read my profile. Milkandhoney - have patience, but don't go for guys you wouldn't normally bother with just because you're worried you won't meet someone. You might, you might not. Relax

 

 

Edit: Just noticed that you didn't put pictures up. That is going to be exactly why a lot of women didn't message you back, mightyreal. Someone who doesn't put pictures up makes others think they have something terrible to hide. And since there are plenty of guys who are perfectly happy to post pictures, it puts you out of the running pretty swiftly.

[mightyreal]

yeh true. good point. i may give it a go again.