Pregnant and Bf don't want kid

[spongey]

I'm 28 yrs old, not married but with a loving BF who is 33 years old.

Recently, I've discussed / asked my bf about having kids and "What IF I'm pregnant" because I suspected myself pregnant which I hasn't told him about. His respond is he do not want kids at all and he's determined about it. And IF I'm really pregnant, he got no choice but to terminate it because he said he cannot handle fatherhood.

Now that I've confirmed myself pregnant, I do not know how to tell him and I'm in a dilemma to go for the single mother path or to abort it without telling my BF. Don't get me wrong, I do love kids a lot and has always wanted a baby with a proper family. While I live in Asia with pretty conservative parents, I'm really worried about how my parents and other family members view me and talking at my back.

I'm really not sure if I should tell my BF about this or to abort it myself or to go through the whole cycle being a single mother.

[sidehop]

What does he mean by terminate it? End all relationship with you and the child? If he's saying he'll terminate the baby it's obviously not his decision. Ever.

 

This is ultimately your decision spongey, as much as you want the father to be involved, you're talking about a new life here. He just may change his mind, there's always a possibility. There are other options to consider also.

[ButterflyWrists]

if you've always wanted a child, then aborting it wont be for you, and it will likely hurt you and haunt you for the rest of your life. while his oppinion should go towards your choice, he cannot say you have to abort it, especially if it will make you hurt.

[pumpkinmoon]

If he is so against becoming a father, he should have taken stronger precauctions to prevent it from happening. Were you using any form of contraception?

 

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

[kaligrl22]

I think you should tell your boyfriend. I believe the decison in 50/50.

[d24]

The decision is never 50-50, the woman always gets the final say.

 

the only thing he a decision over is, if she were to keep the baby, does he want to stay with her or be part of the child's life or not. Even then, there's ways she can veto his deicison by rejecting him or taking the child away or claiming sole custody.

 

The power is firmly with the woman in this situation

[spongey]

Thanks everyone. I've been with my bf for 2 years now and yes, I'm using morning contraceptive pills I guess it's because I've missed it during a period of my sick time before pregnant.

He's still now all loving to me not knowing what happened and I just don't know how to go through this. And he's determined with his words that I should abort the kid IF i am pregnant. My guess is the whole relationship will tumble down and I'm just running out of thoughts.

[sidehop]

He has no right to tell you what you should do. You're the one carrying the baby whether his genetics are in the baby or not. The relationship may tumble but if he can't respect and try to control you than you deserve someone better.

[Shortpants]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position spongey. It is a horrible decision to make. My opinion is that you do discuss this with your boyfriend, as he has a right to know. The final decision is ultimately yours, as it is your body alone, but it is your baby together. You both created this life and need to discuss what the future plan together.

 

Please make sure you think through termination completely before pursuing this option. I will tell you that I made that really hard decision with MUCH pressure from my ex when we found out I was pregnant, and to this day I regret the decision we made to terminate. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it, and is an incredibly emotional thing to go through. There is always adoption to consider as well. Please make sure you investigate all your options.

 

I recommend talking with your BF, you may be suprized that he might change his tune once faced with the truth. You never know. Bottom line is that you both created this life and need to decide how to proceed. Even if the relationship ends due to this, you need to make sure you are true to yourself and don't get pressured into something you don't feel is right.

 

Take care of yourself and stay strong. I hope you can figure this out and feel good about your decision.

[DN]

He can't force you to make a decision as to whether to keep the baby or not but he does have a right to express his opinion and to tell you what he will do in the event that you keep the baby. I don't know what the laws are in Singapore regarding child support etc. but if you decide to keep the baby you should make yourself aware of them. I imagine that he will be required to pay some sort of child support but he can't be made to parent - that is something over which he has a choice.

 

I don't think it was wise to talk about what his attitude would be if you did get pregnant and not tell him that you are because if you do tell him he may feel you did this deliberately. If you are going to tell him you should do so soon and explain why you didn't immediately.

[Sunny1607307996]

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

 

As the other posters have said, he has a right to know. But ultimately the decision is up to you. Please don't let him pressure you into anything. If you've always wanted children I think terminating the pregnancy would be a very hard decision to make, and there's no guarantee that he'll stick around if you terminate.

 

I think that it's unfair of him to decide that if a pregnancy ever occurs he'll just abort because he "can't handle fatherhood". Pregnancy is ALWAYS a possibility and if he can't handle that possibility than he is not mature enough to be having sex. He cannot demand or force you to have an abortion because he is not mature enough to handle the weight of his decisions. At 33, he really should be financially, emotionally, and mentally ready to have a child. Whether he wants a child or not is a different story but he should be able to "handle fatherhood" at his age.

 

You're just going to need to tell him. Pick a time where it's not too hectic (I would not choose right after you/he/both are winding down from work, for example) and a time where you will have a few hours to talk if need be. Bring it up gently (maybe refer back to your previous conversation) and explain that you've had the pregnancy confirmed.

 

I would not bring it up as if you want him to make the decision, but as if you are simply weighing your options and wanted to take his opinion into account. Never, ever allow him to force you into a decision you are not 100% comfortable with.

 

Keep us posted on what he says.

[Mauxly]

Whatever you do, do not get an abortion if you've ever wanted children. If you terminate because of him alone, the relationship is likely doomed anyway. You will not be able to help yourself but feel extreme resentment. I allowed myself to be pressured into a terminancy once. Single biggest mistake of my life. We are no longer together and I'm now unable to have children. Ultimately it was my choice, never the less I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive his mother for the harsh words and threats of condemnation that she inflicted on a terrified young woman.

 

I am pro choice, and believe that it IS your choice. Don't let anyone make it for you.

 

I so wish I'd listened to my heart and not other people. Crying as I type this. Lost my only chance at a family. Even if it were just me and the kiddo.

 

Don't make the same mistake I did.

[Hope75]

I agree with DN that you should be honest with your boyfriend and tell him ASAP that you are in fact pregnant. He will probably be shocked and upset but honestly you both made this baby and he does have some responsibility in that, whether he wants to admit it or not.

 

Although there sounds like there is a good chance he will not participate in parenting this child and he does have a right to express his opinion on it, ultimately the choice to keep the baby and raise it or not is up to you, and if you do I would plan to do so as a single parent and weigh your ability to do so.

 

If you have always wanted children and think this is at all feasible, I hope you can find a way to make it work.

 

Good luck!

[IntotheWild]

How is your financial situation? Do you think you can take care of the kid all by yourself and still accomplish everything you want to accomplish in life? Given your boyfriend's attitude, it's best to evaluate this decision without him in the picture.

 

If you're in a good position and you feel like keeping the child is a challenge you can reasonably undertake, then go for it. But if you feel like doing so will prevent you from ever accomplishing your dreams and goals, then maybe an abortion is right. You have to put yourself first because a parent that has achieved what they want in life is going to be a better parent.

[DN]

I think he is no more wrong for wanting to avoid fatherhood by abortion than a woman is who wants to avoid motherhood by the same method. The only difference is that he doesn't get to make the actual decision.

[Mauxly]

I think he is no more wrong for wanting to avoid fatherhood by abortion than a woman is who wants to avoid motherhood by the same method. The only difference is that he doesn't get to make the actual decision.

 

I agree that he's not exactly wrong. But ultimately it is her choice. Her body, her life. If he's not willing to be a father then he should have taken full responsibility for birth control by wearing a condom every time or getting clipped.

[DN]

I agree that he's not exactly wrong. But ultimately it is her choice. Her body, her life. If he's not willing to be a father then he should have taken full responsibility for birth control by wearing a condom every time or getting clipped.

He should - any man should who doesn't want to get a woman pregnant. But my point is that he should not be blamed for not wanting to be a father any more than a woman should be for not wanting to be a mother.

[Hope75]

He should - any man should who doesn't want to get a woman pregnant. But my point is that he should not be blamed for not wanting to be a father any more than a woman should be for not wanting to be a mother.

 

I'm not blaming the father, they both made this baby together.

 

Your point of view is definitely understandable, but what I fail to understand is if he (or anyone) who doesn't want to be a parent has unprotected sex, surely they recognize the implications of those actions. I realize that both parties have a responsibility to protect against pregnancy, but if a man knows he doesn't want to be a father, than it seems reasonably prudent to wear a condom at all times or even have a vasectomy if he's certain about it.

 

I also realize that after the fact abortion is an option, but once a life is there, it is a much more difficult and less convenient decision to end a pregnancy than it is to prevent one altogether.

[itsallgrand]

Did your bfs attitudes towards having children suddenly change or is this something the two of you didn't really discuss all that much before now?

 

How far along are you in the pregnancy?

 

I believe the father has a right to know; regardless of what you fear you may hear when you tell him.

 

It's so easy to spout one's mouth when talking in theoretical. You may get a different answer or feeling from him once he realizes this isn't a theoretical question you are asking him, but a real situation that he now finds himself.

 

Regardless of how he may feel, it's important for you to know it. It will be more information to consider when making this choice about the pregnancy.

 

How do you feel about this pregnancy? Were you happy when you found out?

[spongey]

Thanks a lot for all your advice.

 

First of all, I've always wanted to have kid but with a proper family (a father and a mother). Then, when I found out what his respond is when I asked him that "What If" question, my heart shattered. Worse is when I confirmed myself pregnant, I didn't know if I should be feeling happy or sad about it while he's still treating me all lovingly. And I start reading about single motherhood stories, challenges and how am I to face my super conservative parents who is living with me now.

Besides, If my child is to get his/her birth certificate, the father's information would be left blank. How am I to explain to my child next time? Will my child forgive me for not giving him/her a dad?

As for financial, both my BF and I were also financially capable person although I earn much lesser while he earns much more than the average does. But, what can I say if he does not want to own the kid, then he won't need to support the kid since his name does not appear as the father.

 

I don't know whether from all my actions and thoughts here actually reflected myself wanting or not wanting the kid. But I knew that I love kids a lot and I cannot mentally afford to do an abortion unless I force myself to.

 

and I've yet to talk to him because I have the feeling that he will be all angry and probably things will be over too.

 

I can only choose to keep this quiet and to abort the baby without telling him

OR

to go through single motherhood without him (if he chose to leave me)

 

I'm so lost and devastated now.

[Hope75]

Do they not have DNA testing available and child support orders where you are, Spongey?

 

 

The father could not be forced to parent but he should at least financially assist in supporting his child.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

can only choose to keep this quiet and to abort the baby without telling him

OR

to go through single motherhood without him (if he chose to leave me)

 

If you choose to abort the baby without his knowledge in order to hang on to the relationship then you will always feel that your relationship is based on a lie...and one day he may find out that you had an abortion and never told him. Then his reaction might be much worse because of the deception.

 

You should talk to him and tell him you are pregnant. He has the right to know AND he also needs to be aware of the consequences of not using a condom if he doesn't want children. He needs to take his fair share of the responsibility for the conception. He can't force you to have an abortion, nor can you force him to remain in your life or in your child's life but since you made the baby together then both of you need to discuss how each of you feel about the situation and where to go from here.

[spongey]

Over here, if the dad's name is not on the birth cert, then he hold no responsibility of the kid

[Sunny1607307996]

Spongey, have you talked to him yet? You really need to soon.

[newwave]

You need to tell him because you'd be surprised what he might say. I knew several guys who insisted they never wanted kids. Their girlfriends got pregnant and they did the right thing by sticking around. Most of the guys married the girls and are still married. Once the babies were born they got attached.